Christian Counseling: Why Teens and Twenties Are Leaving Church

You may recall the legend of "The Wandering Jew" who made insulting comments to Jesus while carrying His cross and who was subsequently cursed to wander the earth until the second coming. Today, there are many, many wandering Christians who have left the traditional, organized church in search of an alternative church. Each year one million born-again Christians become wanderers, according to Barna research.

David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group headed a five-year study to determine why those 15 years of age to early twenties were leaving church permanently or for an extended period of time. His findings are reported in his book, "You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving Church and Rethinking Church."

Three of five teens and young adults leave the church for a variety of reasons. Kinnaman's research suggested six reasons for their long temporary or permanent departure.

1. Christians are overprotective - "demonize everything outside of the church" and over concerned about the harm caused by movies, music and video games.

2. The Christian experience is shallow - church is boring, faith not relevant to living, and God is missing from church.

3. Churches are antagonistic to science - they perceive Christians as out of step with science or anti-science.

4. The churches teachings on sexuality is simplistic and judgmental - no practical advice on how to live up to expectations of chastity or purity, especially since marriage is often delayed to the later twenties.

5. Christianity is too exclusive - they are close-minded, intolerant and unaccepting of those who are different than themselves, which puts a wedge between them and other races, religions and sources of authority, etc.

6. Church is unfriendly to those who have doubts - it is not okay to express doubts or ask challenging questions. They don't feel safe addressing their most pressing issues regarding their faith.

I wonder if you have experienced any of those concerns yourself? Any suggestions for resolution?    

Christian Counseling - Making Your Vacation Last

Most people who go on vacation can attest to its health benefits, such as: feeling more relaxed, happier, less anxious, more at peace, and more tired (coming down from the adrenaline rush of everyday life) and/or more energized. One of the great treasures of time off is time together, with those you love. Bonding without many of the usual distractions of everyday duties fills one's emotional tank. These wonderful experiences yield other fruit, like the fond memories that are recounted in one's older age and giving people one more reason to be thankful to God about life.

The health benefits of vacation, however, are short-lived. Recent research has shown that within the first week to month, many of the health benefits fade out. One of the studies concluded that job demands contribute to the fade-out. It also suggested that making time for things that are relaxing and enjoyable can prolong the positive effects of vacationing. I suggest regular downtime and maintaining the bonds and intimacy with family and friends, along with developing an attitude that highly values physical and mental calm, which is critical to a happier life and health.

What benefits do you derive from vacationing? What do you do that helps you maintain those vacation benefits?

Christian Counseling - ADHD in Children and Food Coloring

For more than 30 years researchers have investigated the link between food additives, such as food coloring, and children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Even though additional research is needed, the current consensus derived from studies is that the additives account for about 10% of ADHD symptoms or the disorder. They report, "diet alone is probably not the driving force behind ADHD symptoms such as inattention, hyperactivity, or impulsive behavior." 1 

It is also reported that radical diets (eliminating processed foods, additives and a number of fruits and vegetables, such as the Feingold diet) is of no benefit to most children. If parents wonder whether or not diet affects their children, then consider the following common sense advice. Reduce the primary sources of additives (candy, soda, junk food, etc.) to see if it results in a positive change in behavior or reduced symptoms. Maintain a sensible, nutritional diet and support your child's involvement in physical activities.

What is your experience in dealing with your child's ADHD and food additives like dyes? Has it been helpful to reduce or eliminate them or not?


1 Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. FDA: No link between food colorings and hyperactivity in most children. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. July 2011: Vol. 28, No. 1, p. 8.

Christian Counseling - The Sexualization of Children

I have attached a link to a Fox story about 12-year-old students in Massachusetts who were "forced" (without parental consent) to take a very graphic survey regarding sexuality and sexual behavior. The survey was part of grant-funded research. Let me know what you think:

1. At what age (if ever) do you think it is appropriate to have children be asked about their sexual practices?

2. At what age should children be allowed to participate in activities without direct parental consent?

3. What role (if any) should the public school system play in the collection of data for research?

These are important questions to consider as we move forward. In addition, schools, who are looking for new financial streams, may be more inclined going forward to accept grant money, company sponsorship of sports programs (i.e. Nike), or corporate involvement in providing food (i.e. Taco Bell). Do you think these are valid ways for the schools to replace money lost from the slowing economy? What are the dangers, if any, of accepting this type of support? Again, let me know what you think.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/06/15/school-surveys-7th-graders-on-oral-sex/?test=latestnews

Christian Counseling - Monitoring Your Children

Below you will find an interesting link to an article regarding spying on your children. My view is that parents should monitor their children's behavior, both online and off. However, this monitoring should not be a substitute for a relationship with your child. In addition, while there may be no expectation of privacy on the Internet and cell phone as information there can be accessed by others, I believe that a child's diary is off limits. A diary is something that is not intended for others to read. It is intended for the child to process their own internal thoughts and feelings.


http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/should-parents-spy-on-their-children-or-teens/

Christian Counseling - One Benefit of Social Relationships

Although the benefits of social relating are numerous and far-reaching, a recent study highlights how much they affect longevity. A meta-analysis was conducted on 148 studies that researched the effects of health outcomes and longevity on 300,000 people who averaged 64 years of age.

The study revealed a "50% greater likelihood of survival when compared with those who are isolated or have poor social relationships." Further, it is thought having socializing regularly adds a survival advantage that is equivalent to stopping smoking and twice the benefit of regular exercise or maintaining normal weight.1

One theory as to why health benefits exist for those who socialize, to which I subscribe, is the result of our need for connection. One characteristic of being connected to others is the opportunity to receive trusted support from close friends, family, etc. This is especially helpful when people are most open to and need support--during the trials and stresses of life. Support likely reduces anxiety and depression and offers hope, which have a positive effect on health. Other research shows there is a strong association between depression or anxiety to increased risk for physical health problems, such as coronary heart disease.

It seems to me that most all problems in life (some of them physical) are the result of relationships gone bad. Therefore, the obvious help, sometimes cure, for them are healthy and redeeming relationships with God, others and even oneself (i.e., positive self-image and self-statements). The Bible is clear, there is nothing more important than good relationships. One reason relating is so critical to human life beyond physical health is it makes possible acceptance, love, understanding, joy, salvation, and purpose in life.

  
1 Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. Socal relationships and longevity. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. February 2011: Vol. 27, No. 8, p. 7.   

Christian Counseling - Time Magazine Brief on Mental Health and Video Games

Time (January 31, 2011, p.17) printed a brief article on "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." The study included 3034 young students in Singapore (up to middle school age) in which Douglas Gentile, a researcher at Iowa State University, participated. He concluded that addicted gamers were more likely over two years to become depressed, anxious and develop social phobias. The researchers classified 9-10% of the participants as "addicted" or "pathological" (though I wonder if the classification should have been excessive playing rather than addiction - confusing). (Some of the study's details were obtained from sources other than Time.)

 Gentile also stated that those who were addicted and stopped gaming had less symptoms of depression, anxiety and social phobia. The simple conclusion made at the end of the article is that gaming causes these symptoms or disorders. But causation cannot be determined by correlation studies, just that there is an undetermined relationship or association. It could be these three mental health problems developed as the result of the common struggle, especially with young people, to develop self-esteem and a positive self-image, which can be challenged by quick reacting computers that can easily trash gamers' serious efforts to consistently win. The repeated defeats can easily lead young gamers to conclude they are a failure, a loser and not as smart as their peers. Over time, these negative experiences can result in feelings of depression and anxiety, especially if gamers rely on winning for self-definition, which I believe often happens.

It is highly possible that addictions or excessive gaming, or being obsessive or compulsive about anything for that matter, are a substitute for the great human need for satisfying and healthy relationships.  Substitutions are chosen, for example, when a person is not socially well-developed or when relationships have deeply and repeatedly wounded a person. It may feel far safer to relate to a game where one has more control or, at least, the illusion of it.

Parental awareness and involvement in their children's gaming habits is a part of good and necessary parenting. There are times they should step in and set boundaries around the types of games and number of hours played (19 hours of gaming a week is the average, though that doesn't mean it's good or healthy, while the study's "pathological" gamers played about 31 hours a week). If or when parents restrict their children's play they also need to redirect them to other things or relationships that help give them balance and develop other skills.

Sometimes gamers, if they cut back or stop gaming, feel restless and bored. It is important for parents to assess these feelings in their children. It may be they have reconnected to feelings they attempted to avoid by gaming, which have been long standing, apart from game playing. Depression and anxiety have many faces, two of which are restlessness and boredom.

Christian Counseling - To What Or Whom Should We Be Loyal?

Loyalty, as seen through the eyes of humor:

A grandmother was told by her grandson that her Sunday school teacher said Jesus was Jewish. The Presbyterian grandmother replied, "Well that may be, but I assure you, God is still a Presbyterian."

A wealthy old man was very enthusiastic about his lovely young bride, but sometimes wondered if she married him for his money. He asked her, "If I lost all my money, would you still love me?"
She retorted, "Of course I would still love you! Don't be silly. But I would miss you."

The loyalty of these protagonists is revealed to be short of what we know should be a greater loyalty - to people, above a denomination or money. But the question, loyalty to whom or what, becomes more difficult to figure out given certain circumstances.

"Blood is thicker than water" is an adage meaning family will be there, should be there for one another and supersedes the loyalty to non-family members. It appears most Christians still hold to this view. Some believe going against family for any reason is wrong and doing so should leave one feeling guilty over an obvious betrayal. However, the word betray refers to disloyalty that is treacherous and favors an enemy over one's family, friend, country, etc.

All of this begs the question, what is family? Is it the nuclear or extended members of our clan or is it any group to whom we are bonded, such as an organization or the human race? What is the family to which we should be most loyal? Consider what Jesus said that redefined the definition of family. Someone approached Jesus and said that his mother and brothers were outside, wanting to speak to Him. He replied, "'Who is My mother and who are My brothers?' And stretching His hand out toward His disciples, He said, 'Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.'"  (Matthew 12:46-50). Herein is our greater loyalty, a new family that is bound by Jesus' blood.

Yet, are there righteous occasions when our loyalty to the spiritual family should be abandoned? You don't think I am going to to say "No!" do you? Yes, there is an even greater loyalty that supersedes our new family. It is synonymous with God and is the foundation of righteousness. It is something that is at the top of the heap, at the very apex of any pedestal, and bows to no other. It is truth. If our loved ones are not living in truth and expect us to go along to protect the family, we are presented with a temptation and dilemma, but our allegiance to the truth, according to our understanding and conscience, trumps all other offers of loyalty. In that we can have confidence and freedom from guilt. In these situations, the priority is not people, but truth, because the people, who may be Christians, have abandoned the truth for falsehood, lies and self-preservation.
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It is a hard road that is too infrequently traveled, and most travel the road of truth alone. But God sees, knows and rejoices in those who live a life of integrity and maintain ultimate loyalties. He understands because Jesus traveled this road. Many of those who choose the higher road have experienced His sustaining gift of peace that passes understanding. To whom or what are you most loyal?
 

Christian Counseling - Loving Discipline

The book of Hebrews states that God disciplines us because He loves us. For many of us, loving discipline is a foreign concept. Perhaps because we were not raised with it. If our parents disciplined out of anger, we may have grown up thinking of discipline and correction as negative. This can impact us as parents. We may either repeat the pattern of our parents and discipline selfishly or angrily, or, in an effort to move away from the example of our parents, we may become too lenient or indulgent.

We are not to shy away from disciplining our children. However, we must ask, is the correction that I am giving for their benefit or mine? Is the rule that I am setting for their benefit or mine? Finally, what will likely happen if I do not address this issue? God disciplines those He loves not for His benefit, but for ours. His correction of us is always appropriate for the issue, and He corrects us to protect us from further harm and to help us to move away from sinful actions.

Christian Counseling: Is There A Link Between Trauma and Perfectionism?

It has been said that the closest to perfection anyone ever gets is when they fill out a job application. The truth behind the humor is that we all wish for others to see us in a positive light and to like and accept us,  perfectionists even more so. They hide their faults and sins from others, yet strangely, can be ever so quick to see their shortcomings and apologize, frequently even if it is not their fault. Mostly, and severely, they avoid conflict. Their goodness, acceptability and worth is welded to doing everything right. Internally, they must deny their frail and weak humanity. They are easily given to feelings of anxiety, guilt and self-hate and behaviors of self-criticism and self-punishment, such as rejecting good things in life because they do not deserve them.

There are many possibilities about how perfectionism develops in a person, one of which is the result of traumatic childhood/teenage experiences, which can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  In the future, I suspect trauma will be viewed differently in that it will be defined by the individual and his or her response to a threatening emotional or physical situation and not by today's standards of a collective set of criteria developed, for the most part, independent of victims, which includes only a threat of physical injury or death of oneself or others.

Two arenas surface as proving grounds that can lead to one's growth or block development--home and school environment. Home life can be chaotic and threatening, such as when there is physical or sexual abuse, or the home may be a place of insecurity and unsupportive relationships that leave a person vulnerable to traumatic experiences later in life. Peers in school and even the neighborhood can have a profoundly  negative effect on a person's life. We all know that kids can be cruel, but to a sensitive and insecure person it can be shattering. Whether one is bullied or laughed at for making mistakes, it can feel so emotionally threatening to a person's identity and existence that he or she refuses to go to school or begins to think about dying.

For many, the way out of helpless and painful feelings is to become perfectionists. Perfectionistic belief holds if one can perfect, he or she will avoid criticism and rejection and find respect and acceptance. Unfortunately, it is a dead-end pursuit. Not only can a person never achieve it, but the mental energy required to daily live that life style takes a massive toll on the joy in life and one physically. Also, consider that Jesus was perfect, but was hated, rejected and killed. Perfectionism guarantees only a different, more complicating, frustrating, disappointing and eternal kind of pain in life.

Recovering from past trauma is a first step in healing. Adopting a new belief and attitude that "good enough" is the antidote to perfectionism will further help. And learning to manage relationships and conflict through assertiveness will go a long way in assisting perfectionists in giving up an impossible role God never intended anyone to live.


(Note: The info in this blog is anecdotal, not research-based.)

Christian Counseling - Make Me Happy Baby!

Most people deeply desire to be happy and to make others happy too. This is most evident in family life. Children want their parents to be happy and make efforts to cheer them up when they are down. Most parents will protect their children from anything that threatens their well-being and happiness. More often than wives I hear husbands express their longing to please their spouses and make them happy. However, these men frequently experience a sense of failure, guilt and angry because their efforts are not good enough or approved by their wives. Wives complain their spouses' efforts are somewhat inconsistent, lack a romantic touch or discordant with their love language. A fair amount of life conflict centers around the unmet need for happiness, which comes by way of things like peace, understanding, love, security, respect and acceptance. Why is another's happiness so important to so many, and who's responsible for one's happiness?


Out of a good heart a person wants to do good things for others and that person also wants to be treated similarly. Those possessing reasonable empathy understand how it feels to be in a world where happiness eludes them and, therefore, they take up the mantle of doing things to bless others. Beyond this is trouble. Some learned the role of caretaking in their growing up families and find extensive meaning and fulfillment and their self-worth in unreasonable giving to others to make everyone happy. Some of that sounds good, but underlying its thin, beautiful appearance is heartache that comes from assumptions, such as:

               I can make a person happy.
               I am responsible for other people's happiness.
              My spouse should make me happy.
               That's how one connects with and feels attached to people.

Reality is that we are not and cannot be responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves, as we don't possess the power or knowledge to do so. The moment we believe another's joy, happiness, peace, feeling loved, etc. is our responsibility is the moment that frustration, disappointment and guilt take control. Perfectionism, commonly accompanied by anxiety and depression, may also find a foothold in our psyche. And we increase the likelihood of the marital blame game for our felt unhappiness. The moment we believe someone else is responsible for our happiness is the moment we give up control over our life and become overly dependent on anothers for how we feel. In either of these two senarios, misery is sure to follow.

No one possesses the power to make others feel anything including happiness, although we can influence other's feelings. Happiness is not a object or gift we can give to another. Making ourselves happy is hard enough and something frequently we don't achieve, but it's impossible to make others happy. Happiness either exists within a person or it doesn't. Happiness is a state of mind, not just a feeling.

The world of feelings are not completely trustworthy, as they come and go and are affected by an infinite number of things (biology, night and day dreams, touch, past experiences, smell, beliefs, etc.). Therefore, a consistent and complete feeling of happiness is beyond every one's control. I believe we have the capacity to influence other's feelings, but not control them. To do so would mean we must override another's free will, something God will not do.

Christian Counseling - Summer Structure Part II

Sorry for the delay in this post. I have been compiling some ideas for summer structure for children, Please feel free to email me with your ideas. Some initial comments... First, structure for the sake of structure is not the idea. Having them move a mound of dirt from the back of the house to the front of the house and back again on a timed schedule provides some structure. What is the point of the task? Try to think about what you want them to learn while you have them for the summer. Instead of simply surviving the summer, you can take the time to teach them. Second, try to think about what you would like to learn about them. They are constantly changing. If we don't keep up, we might get lost. Anyway, here are some ideas (in no particular order)

1. Vacation Bible School

2. Summer Acting and Music Camps

3. Neighborhood Co-op - Divide time with several parents to take days to come up with fun or learning based activities.

4. Summer Reading Club - You can do this with only your child or several children and their parents. You can use a book of your choice or a book that your child needs to read for school.

5. Make meals together to teach your children how to cook.

6. Volunteer at a Shelter.

7. Learn a foreign language together.

8. Make a chore/behavior chart for them to earn points for special outings.

9. Make/edit a movie of your summer together.

10. Plant and maintain a garden.

Well, that is 10 ideas. Not a complete list by any means, but a start. If you have other ideas, I would love to hear them. If you need any help with the one's listed here, please feel free to contact me. Have a meaningful and fun summer!

Christian Counseling - Summer Structure

Now that children are finally out of school (thank you 2ft. of snow for the shortened summer), many parents are trying to figure out what to do with their children. As I talk to parents, some express fear of the unstructured time that summer brings. They say that their children start to act like "train wrecks". One possible reason for this is that we take children from a school environment where they know what is expected of them, and they come to a home environment where the expectations are as hazy as a August afternoon.

If our children don't get in trouble at school, but regularly get in trouble at home, we have to ask why. There are many possible explanations. One is that they know what they can do to stay out of trouble at school. In addition, school is structured. I heard someone on the radio who is a GM for a sports franchise, and he had an interesting theory as to why professional athletes tend to get in trouble with the law during the off season more than during the season. He said that during the season, the athlete's day is extremely structured as they prepare to play. In the off season, they have a lot of time on their hands without much in the way of structure. Sound familiar?

I am not suggesting that we structure our child's life from morning to night. However, we need to have a plan of what each day will bring. Find some things that they can help with to feel productive. We need to communicate our expectations to them, and praise them when the expectations are met.

Some parents struggle with placing structure on their children during the summer. I certainly understand this struggle. We know that the children have worked hard during the school year and need a break. However, to go from a great deal of structure to none at all can be overwhelming for a child. Some structure may be the child's best friend. I would be interested in hearing your stories of how you provide structure for your children during the summer. Post a reply or email me, and I will include your ideas with mine in subsequent posts.

Christian Counseling - The Importance of Fathers

A student asked their teacher recently why the class was not doing a project to celebrate Father's Day. The teacher responded, "Dads don't really care about Father's Day." Is it that dads do not care about Father's Day, or is it that our society does not care about dads?

We do much to celebrate the value of mothers in our world, and rightly so. Mothers deserve to be honored every day for what they do to raise children. However, as we have increased in our value of motherhood, we seem to have decreased in our value of fatherhood. Over the last 40 years, we have treated gender issues as a zero sum game. As mothers have increased, fathers have decreased. In order to be accepting of single parent families, society has lessened the importance of having a father involved in a child's life. Look at any family sitcom of the last 30 years, and you will likely see the father portrayed as a lovable buffoon. Rather than being portrayed as a necessary and important part of the family, he is seen as another child for the mother to take care of in the home. The mother is seen as the logical one who saves the family in every episode. The Cosby Show serves as an exception to this rule.

Mother's do not have to decrease as we increase in our honor of fathers. Both can be honored together. If you missed Father's Day, or did not do celebrate accordingly, remember that any day could be Father's Day. Just pick a day and choose to honor your father. As we celebrate Father's Day, here are some statistics that show the importance of fathers:

• 85% of all children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes. (Center for Disease Control)
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. (Rainbow for all God's Children)
• 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. (U.S. Dept. of Justice)
• Daughters in fatherless homes are 711% more likely to have children during their teenage years, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth, and 92% more likely to get divorced. (Parents or Prisons)
• Children with involved fathers are 70% less likely to drop out of school, more likely to get A's in school, and involved in more extracurricular activities. (Development and Psychopathology)

These statistics are not meant to denigrate single parent families or mothers. As was said above, I do not believe we have to tear one down down as we build up another. That being said, have a Happy Father's Day!!

Christian Counseling - To Pass Or Not To Pass

Among the issues that I deal with in therapy are students in danger of not passing the grade in high school. It is often around this time of year that these problems come to the fore. Often the realization that the teen may not pass is followed by frantic efforts on the part of the school and the parents to work out some arrangement for the student to pass. This effort, while well-meaning, may not be in the best interest of the teen. Yes, it is important that the teen pass the grade. However, it is also important that they learn that their actions have consequences. The teen needs to take responsibility for their own behavior.

We are constantly teaching our children. It is a matter of what we are teaching. There is a distinct possibility that by rescuing them, they may not realize the problems inherent in their behavior, and, thus, may not change going forward. This is an argument that has been made in terms of the government bailing out Wall Street. The danger is that they may repeat the same behaviors going forward and find themselves in a similar situation again and again.

Certainly, there are times when aiding a student in this predicament would be the right thing to do. If the student is repentant rather than oppositional, then helping them through the situation might be the right thing. However, I often find that we as parents are more invested in our children succeeding than they are. If this is the case, then helping can move to enabling. I often ask clients how long they plan to be on the earth. If a person is going to live 80 years on this planet, repeating one year of school or going to summer school is just a blip on the radar screen. If the consequence faced helps them to grow, then the blip would be a lesson well learned.

There is another problem with rescuing children. Not only may they become dependent on help in the future, but they may also be hindered in their development of empathy. There is a growing body of research that shows when teens do not face consequences of their actions, they are less likely to develop empathy. This lack of developed empathy has been cited in a number of cases of athletes who commit crimes, most recently the UVA Lacrosse player accused of murdering his ex-girlfriend.

Finally, there is wonderful scene in the movie "Glory" in which a drill Sergeant is training a less-talented recruit harshly. The Colonel, who is a boyhood friend of the recruit, questions the methods of the Sergeant. The Sergeant confirms with the Colonel the childhood relationship. He then says, "You two grew up together? Let him grow up some more." We are training our children for a tough and sometimes unforgiving world. We need to make certain that we are helping them grow rather than enabling them to stay the same.

Christian Counseling - Therapy Guidelines for Teenagers Part One

If you find yourself considering seeking therapy for your teenager, here are several guidelines to help you with the process. These are guidelines I share with parents who have some concerns about their child.




First, make sure you look at your child from a global perspective. What this means is that you should not focus solely on one area of their life when deciding whether they might need help. Here are some areas to look at:



1. School Performance

2. Emotional Life

3. Family Life

4. Social Life

5. Spiritual Life



By thinking about their life in these areas, you can have a more well-rounded view of your child. If they are having significant difficulty in one area or moderate difficulty in more than one area, it may be a good idea to seek help for them.



When you take your teenager for counseling, there are usually two situations that might arise. First, it is determined that the child would benefit from counselling, but counseling may not be imperative. If this is the case, I usually encourage parents to bring the child for at least one session. If the child decides they want to continue, then therapy continues. If they decide that they do not want therapy, although they might benefit from it, I usually encourage parents not to force their children to go. There may come a time, in the future, that the teenager decides they want to seek therapy. If they have already gone for therapy once, the process of getting them started becomes easier as they have already met a therapist before.



The second situation is one in which it is determined that the teenager needs therapy. In this case, the problems are severe enough that therapy is not an option but an imperative. In this case, I usually tell parents that they need to bring their child for therapy for at least 6 months, whether the child wants to go or not. The parents need to prepare themselves for the teenager's negative response to going to therapy, but still take them anyway. Although the teenager may be oppositional at first, typically, if they come regularly for therapy, they will begin to open up to the therapist. If the parents are not prepared to do this, then the therapy is usually ended prior to the teenager benefiting from it.

Christian Counseling - Creating God In Your Parents' Image

Our image of God is not something we are born with, nor is it like a finished program we download into our computer and run. Every one's image is created in piecemeal fashion; one idea or part of an idea at a time. Our image of Him changes and grows as we delete one thought or belief about God and add another. It's never complete, never without flaws and only a representation of God, not God Himself. This constructed image undergoes lifelong revisions.

Our image of Him is not just made up of what the Bible says, it also comes from the human or psychological side of us. Just as the world looks to Christians as representatives of God, so we, at a young age, look to our god-like parents who represent other people and God, for good or ill. Their attitudes, beliefs, words and behaviors are introjected (unconsciously incorporating aspects of others into oneself, which become part of one's personality and internal world). This collective image of our parents and significant others is transferred to other people and to God. Our images of people and God are enduring; that is, difficult to change, but not impossible.

If one's parents are unloving, uninvolved and uncommunicative, a child would tend to think and feel the same about God, although other people along the way may also positively influence this image. A kind and giving grandparent may be a saving grace to a child growing up in this kind of unhealthy environment. Without the good grandparent, the child would likely be somewhat relationally distrusting, distant and self-protective and fear committing to people and God.

If you want to know why you feel attached to God or can't connect, look beyond present influences to past relationships, which form the foundation for future relationships. Also helpful is developing new and deep relationships with two or three others where one can learn to trust and experience the joy intended in connecting to others and God.

Christian Counseling - Universal Guilt

Guilt is a self-conscious feeling of having done something wrong, of being imperfect. It's a warning device telling us we missed the mark. In the wilderness, when hikers fail to observe and follow trail markers they veer off the safe and intended path, leaving them vulnerable to consequences. Ultimately, a person may lose his or her life. When we fail to adhere to just one of God's markers, our spirits die. Yet, it is great news that we can be rescued by faith in Christ. He puts us back on the right trail.

Guilt is often coupled with a desire to undo the misbehavior through activities, such as confession and making up for the misdeed. Most people believe they deserve to be punishment for their poor behavior. This produces a sense of fear and anxiety over upcoming punishment. Once again, God extends His grace to us by saying there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ.

Theologically, we all have a sin nature and, therefore, we all have inherent guilt, whether or not we feel the guilt. All people in all their relationships are guilty of making mistakes and harming others, regardless of their good intentions. Every parent, child, coworker, boss, husband, wife, pastor, counselor, friend and family member has universal guilt, again, whether or not it's felt.

One of life's great tasks is for all of us to work out our universal guilt. This is done through being open to and ready to communicate with those who offend us or whom we offend, soon er or later to all with whom we regularly relate. The most unattended to and unfinished, problemed human relationship exists between a parent and adult child. Guilt rests on the souls all parents and their grown up children because on one is perfect. Every parent and adult child needs to squarely define their individual mistakes and openly discuss them with one another. This requires a series of exploring conversations and isn't something that can be done in one or two talks.

Expect to encounter resistance within yourself and in the other. For example, I have had several parents tell me that their adult child quickly discounts, excuses or forgives any parental wrongdoing, leaving little room for open and honest communication. In the end, most parents don't feel relieved by these kind of talks. Perhaps God experiences the same thing when His adult children offer confessions, which are often only a few sentences long.

Allowing oneself and strongly requesting the other sit in the thoughts and feelings and explore the history and impact of those experiences will permit a rich exchange from which both can emerge guilt free.

Christian Counseling - Monitoring Your Teenager

When most of us were growing up, it was pretty easy for our parents to monitor our relationships with peers. If we were talking on the phone, the phone typically had a cord that could only reach so far. If they were in earshot, they could eavesdrop and get some idea of the content of our conversations. Now, with the increase in technology, it has become more difficult. As an example, most teens have cell phones with unlimited texting. With texting, they can be having numerous silent conversations while in the presence of their parents. In addition, they can be texting under the covers well past midnight.

Along with the increased technology, we are also experiencing numerous changes in family structure. The increase in single-parent households as well as the number of dual-income families has decreased the amount of time parents are spending with their children. As a result, parents are often anxious about what is going on in their child's life and looking for other ways to monitor their behavior.

As I work with families, here are some guidelines in terms of monitoring your teenager:

1. There can be no reasonable expectation of privacy for a child on the internet or their cell phone. Information we post online or text to someone can potentially be hacked by someone else or shared by the person we gave it to in the first place. Therefore, parental monitoring of text messaging or email can be appropriate.

2. I recommend that parents insist that they are added as Facebook "friends" on their teens account. Again, Facebook is not a place to post your most private thoughts as they cannot be expected to continue to be private for long once they are posted.

These guidelines of monitoring are not meant to replace a relationship. As parents, we need to be investing time in our relationship with our children. Monitoring email or text messaging is like following your child around. You can follow them around without having a relationship with them. Many people, when in high school, have a crush on someone, and through observing, not stalking, come to know who their friends are, what they like to do, what they like to eat, etc. However, this does not constitute a relationship. They could know all of this information and still have never spoken with the person.

Finally, there is a significant areas that is off limits when monitoring your teen. This area would be their journal or diary. When someone writes in a journal or diary, they are not intending for anyone else to read what they have written. The writing is designed for them to understand themselves better and express themselves. There is an expectation of privacy that goes with keeping a journal or a diary. Many parents are tempted to read their teen's journal or diary. It is a quick way to get at information that they may never feel comfortable sharing with you. While tempting, this violation of trust in the relationship can, and usually will have significant long-term consequences to the relationship between parent and child.

If you are considering reading your teen's diary, please see it as a sign that there is a brokenness in your relationship that needs to be repaired. In addition, the desire may also reflect significant concern regarding some aspect of the teen's life that needs to be addressed. Address the concerns in a healthy way by attempting to have a conversation with them. If they will not talk to you, consider seeking family therapy to begin to bridge the gap.

Christian Counseling - Managing Anger

Living with someone who is, shall we say, intermittently angry, can be extremely painful. Many in this situation start to change their behavior to not "offend" the angry person. Whether the angry person is a son, daughter, brother, sister, spouse, or child, our behavior will change in an attempt to not "set them off". We try to predict what could possibly make them angry based on past experiences. We avoid situations where they could get angry.

"I can't ask him to go to dinner with my family because I'll never hear the end of it."

"I have to leave my daughter alone to do her homework. If I try to talk to her about, she screams at me."

"Why is it my brother screams and yells, yet he gets his way all the time? It's not fair."

These types of statements are common in families that deal with an angry person. What we eventually come to understand is that managing some one's anger is impossible. Angry people simply get angry. As we try to predict what they might respond in anger to, we end up blindsided by something we could not predict. "I didn't see that coming" is a common refrain.

Rather than trying to manage their anger, we need to think more about how we are going to respond to their anger. We cannot change anyone, but we can make it difficult for them not to change. As the Marine's say in basic training, "We can't make you do anything, but we can make you wish that you had."

Our efforts to manage someone else's anger is an effort to gain control of the situation and remain safe. Since we cannot keep someone from getting angry, we need to focus on ourselves and how we are going to maintain physical and emotional safety regardless of whether the person changes or not. In some cases, this will result in setting emotional boundaries. In other more extreme cases, we may need to forge physical boundaries for our safety. Remember, however, that when we set boundaries, either physical or emotional, the boundaries are designed to protect us, not change the other person.