Christian Counseling: Why Teens and Twenties Are Leaving Church

You may recall the legend of "The Wandering Jew" who made insulting comments to Jesus while carrying His cross and who was subsequently cursed to wander the earth until the second coming. Today, there are many, many wandering Christians who have left the traditional, organized church in search of an alternative church. Each year one million born-again Christians become wanderers, according to Barna research.

David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group headed a five-year study to determine why those 15 years of age to early twenties were leaving church permanently or for an extended period of time. His findings are reported in his book, "You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving Church and Rethinking Church."

Three of five teens and young adults leave the church for a variety of reasons. Kinnaman's research suggested six reasons for their long temporary or permanent departure.

1. Christians are overprotective - "demonize everything outside of the church" and over concerned about the harm caused by movies, music and video games.

2. The Christian experience is shallow - church is boring, faith not relevant to living, and God is missing from church.

3. Churches are antagonistic to science - they perceive Christians as out of step with science or anti-science.

4. The churches teachings on sexuality is simplistic and judgmental - no practical advice on how to live up to expectations of chastity or purity, especially since marriage is often delayed to the later twenties.

5. Christianity is too exclusive - they are close-minded, intolerant and unaccepting of those who are different than themselves, which puts a wedge between them and other races, religions and sources of authority, etc.

6. Church is unfriendly to those who have doubts - it is not okay to express doubts or ask challenging questions. They don't feel safe addressing their most pressing issues regarding their faith.

I wonder if you have experienced any of those concerns yourself? Any suggestions for resolution?    

Christian Counseling: One View Of A Man's Heart

The poet, Don Blanding, wrote these revealing words of a man's struggle with two selves at war with each other. This man in the poem is led by his flesh and not the Spirit, yet it helps us understand what many men battle within themselves and yields insights about how to talk to them about the alternative of Christ who can help calm the two spirits. 




How very simple life would be
If only there were two of me
A Restless Me to drift and roam
A Quiet Me to stay at home.
A Searching One to find his fill
Of varied skies and new found thrill
While sane and homely things are done
By the domestic Other One.

And that's just where the trouble lies;
There is a Restless Me that cries
For chancy risks and changing scene,
For arctic blue and tropic green,
For deserts with their mystic spell,
For lusty fun and raising Hell,

But shackled to that Restless Me
My Other Self rebelliously
Resists the frantic urge to move.
It seeks the old familiar groove
That habits make. It finds content
With hearth and home — dear prisonment,
With candlelight and well-loved books
And treasured loot in dusty nooks,

With puttering and garden things
And dreaming while a cricket sings
And all the while the Restless One
Insists on more exciting fun,
It wants to go with every tide,
No matter where…just for the ride.
Like yowling cats the two selves brawl
Until I have no peace at all.

One eye turns to the forward track,
The other eye looks sadly back.
I'm getting wall-eyed from the strain,
(It's tough to have an idle brain)
But One says "Stay" and One says "Go"
And One says "Yes," and One says "No,"
And One Self wants a home and wife
And One Self craves the drifter's life.

The Restless Fellow always wins
I wish my folks had made me twins.




Some questions to ponder:


What do you think and feel after reading the poem?


Do some women feel similarly? If so, how is it different than men?


What is it that men really desire underneath the obvious (inner peace and enjoyment of life)?  Below the surface of restlessness could be such things as the desire or need for adventure, exploration, knowledge, security or connection with God.


In what ways do you struggle with two or more selves opposed to each other? This is something with which we all have difficulty and it is often spoke of as a war between flesh and spirit, yet there is more. Psychologically we all have a few divisions of personality, such as the outgoing me and the reserved me, or the happy, carefree one and the more melancholy one, the ideal and the real, etc.  

Christian Counseling: How Important is Illegal Immigration To The Average Citizen?

This writing was prompted by Fox News commentary and an August 29, 2011 article by Edwin Mora of CNSNews who reported Labor Secretary, Hilda Soles, signed an agreement with Mexico, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic and El Salvador giving all immigrants in the U.S. protection from labor abuses. She fully supports legals' and illegals' rights and benefits under that agreement and commented that illegals need not fear reporting employer abuse because they will not be deported.    

The moment the word "illegal," as in illegal immigration, is used it should rightfully stir all to ask questions, especially Christians because it is not just a legal issue, but a moral issue with consequences that run deep for everyone.

Illegal immigration is a touchy topic, subject to many different "politically correct" views, abuses on all sides and extremely relevant for every American citizen. The idea and reasonable practice of immigration brings me joy (my father and about 20 other family members migrated to the US in the early 1900's), giving them, and eventually me, opportunities that did not exist in Italy. On the other hand, illegal immigration, though I care about the plight of refugees and those struggling to eek out an existence elsewhere, brings indignation when I compare them to those who respect our good laws and patiently wade through the citizen application process. Finally, I distrust people in government who violate their pledge--to uphold the laws of the land, such as those relative to illegal immigration.

If people did not have a sin nature, all countries could have an open border policy, perhaps there would not even be any countries, but only one world, one land for all. However, with the presence of evil, no country can permit an open border, whether in law or practice without dire consequences, especially when that country is wealthy and rich in opportunities like America. Of the many consequences of this current administration's practice of implying American's borders are open, here are two of them that concern us all. The first is the freedom of terrorists to cross our borders. I have no doubt those illegal crossings have happened many times in the last several years and even more since 2009 since Obama took office. I believe a good number acts of terrorism will be committed in our country in the coming years, but when it becomes known they were done by illegals, there is going to be an outrage from our citizens that is directed more at our own government than those conspiring terrorist states for allowing politics and so called political correctness to supersede the protection of Americans.

The second concern about the practice of implying we have open boarders is the erosion of values, morals, role models and trust of the American people, as well as the world, toward authority. This may be subtle or it may be obvious to readers, but when authority figures disregard laws, put their own political agenda ahead of the will of the people they swore to serve and act corruptly with impunity it greatly impacts the citizenry. To put it another way, our society has been showing signs of collapse--people who are becoming more suspicious, uncaring, lacking personal boundaries, corrupt, disunited, immoral, angry and hateful, disloyal, ungrateful and lovers of self. If those descriptors sound familiar, many of them are also contained in 2 Timothy 3:1-4 regarding the end of days. This is how cultures and countries fall from within, from moral decay.

Illegal immigration is an important issue even though it is only one of many sensitive issues in our country. Its importance is also recognized in that it not only affects immigrants, but every American citizen in very specific ways--financially (we pay for the increased work required of the Department of Labor to uphold its regulations and agreements), morally (giving all illegal aliens a pass from the law, tempts us to violate laws expecting a similar pass--entitlement), and psychologically (anxiety over the deterioration of our society, as well as the insecurity of our country's future--affecting the business world, unemployment and investments).

It is my hope that all Americans see the personal relevance in every issue that faces our nation, and then asks themselves, "What am I willing to do to help protect me and my loved ones' future, as well as America's future?" The first step is to be informed.

Christian Counseling: Church: Sunday Morning Praise, Worship and Dissimulation

Praise and worship of God is the order for Sunday mornings and really anytime for those devoted to God. Those who are His, know He is the only One worthy of our adoration. The church is ordained by Him and is special enough to be called His bride. Its value is unmatched, except by God Himself. Yet, according to George Barna research, with 10's of millions of born-again Christians who have left the tradition or institutional church and the million or so that is added to their ranks each year, not all is well, far from it. In truth, the crumbling state of our contemporary church is a dead serious issue and should have denominations quaking in their pulpits.

On any given Sunday morning in most any institutional church, the people enter a building with smiles, engage in a round of greetings and perhaps a couple of brief, positive conversations. They sit passively in their pews and follow the bulletin that outlines the upbeat, corporate service that often begins with a hymn, then perhaps announcements, a second, superficial greeting of those sitting close by, Bible reading, prayers, offering, sermon and other activities often led by a sole leader. At the conclusion, the smiles continue as some make a beeline for the parking lot, some have a couple more brief, positive conversations, and a few discuss church business or follow up previous talks that have a modicum of depth.

Below the surface a lot more is going on. But to see it one has to, and I'll date myself, "Put on your thinking cap!" What is going on? What is missing from the above Sunday morning example? What are you missing in your church experience. Of course, there are individual services, as well as periods of time, where all seems well and one is happy with the way things are going when church is assembled. But that will not last, especially as one gets older, becomes spiritually mature and is better informed.

Before getting to what is missing, it is necessary to understand what else is going on. It is dissimulation. It means concealing or disguising one's thoughts, feelings or character. I am not saying there are no genuine smiles or that every single person conceals everything. But the majority of people in the majority of American churches do conceal their negative thoughts, feelings and characteristics. Dissimulation seems to have become a way of life for most Christians in our country. For them there exist subjects, experiences, truths and realities that are off limits in conversation with each other and in which prayer requests long ago morphed into "unspoken" requests (though on rare occasion they are warranted). Examples of taboo subjects include: anger, fear, money, sex, spiritual questions, doubts, and boredom, marital and family conflicts, anxiety, depression, and especially and foremost avoided are those things having to do with one's own sin nature. An example of such would be the rampant porn addiction that affects leaders and laity alike. The result of dissimulation is manifold and, I believe, connected to why so many are leaving the institutional church.

Dissimulation misses and ignores the present imperative, requiring "confessing your sins to one another" portion of James 5:16. I have little doubt the idea of confessing to others strikes fear into a lot of people. Many will claim there are a thousand roadblocks (containing some mixed faulty and truth-filled thinking) to doing it, like: I only need to confess to God, God is in control of everything, no guarantee of confidentiality, concern with what others will think, being judged, fear of rejection, loss of position in church, difficulty with humbling oneself, etc. The price to pay is too high, fear is too strong and no one is going to be the voluntary guinea pig. This resistant thinking is friends with a lifestyle of "play it safe," which is the opposite of the courage God expects in living for Him, even to the extent of losing one's life. Christian's safety resides in the next life, not this one.

Some will say, "Well you can't have confession on Sunday mornings in a large crowd of people." Really, can't? It's not the first place to start, but...  Some may continue to say, "You can have the openness in a mini-church" (or other small group). Speaking to these small groups, save a few, experiencing some minor depth of mutual self-revelation can seem monumental and feel sufficient, so there is the temptation to leave it there and not push the envelope. Of course, any beginning is good, but it is only a beginning. Most don't know and have not experienced a group unmasking that, if properly handled, leads to church as God intends.  

Christians who engage in dissimulation quash the Holy Spirit, cannot offer genuine relationships or participate in authentic community. They cannot experience the depth of full acceptance, belonging, or unconditional love, except to a limited degree. The Holy Spirit is relegated to a few peeps and scripture is applied only to what the individual allows or the corporate body permits, and that, without the necessary and intended checks and balances created by God that should exist in the church; that is, in part, the voices of everyone contributing to the building up of the church rather than the voices of a leader or two. That's what it takes to grow oneself and the church--a plurality of relationships. Every church body has a form of personal relationships and a general sense of  community, but today most all are far, far from His design. As a professional counselor, I believe that at the root of most non-biological mental illnesses is the inadequacy of past and present relationships. Church is meant by God to be the healing force, first to its own members and second to the the world (by our inviting example) to come and find rest from their burdens and pains of life in an environment of life-giving support and nurture.

The alternative to concealing oneself is mutual self-revelation, that is what James 5:16 is partly about--being open, honest and truthful in living one's life out in the open, just as the Bible openly displays its characters. Consider this partial Facebook posting I recently read:

              Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer,                                  
                   Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was
                   moody, Moses stuttered...


And we could easily add to that list other far from perfect, biblical characters. Why does God display the dark side of these men and women? Because that is the example of how we are all to live - in the open, not hidden lives; revealing and not cutting off despicable parts of ourselves. We are not different from one another, we all have a living, active and treacherous sin nature. Why do many Christians agree with that, but publicly act as if that nature was dormant?

For those of you who feel compelled to defend the church from these words, I feel as you, but I will not hide from a discussion of the problems, nor from people, historically and contemporarily, who have incorporated secular principles from culture, religion and business and transformed the church into something unbiblical, especially when I so frequently hear from and see in my clients the silent pain of spiritual crisis and the suffering that results from the repression of feelings and thoughts, from a lack of deep, genuine, healthy spiritual relationships and from the absence of the powerful healing force of authentic community where Christ truly has first place.

I want to see the church thrive, not just try to survive. At this unique time in America, Christians everywhere need to engage in discussion about what church is, means, how it functions and what God is saying to the church today. Seismic activity has hit the church and hurricane winds are threatening (at the time of this writing, the East Coast has had both within a couple of days). Shall we heed the signs and fiercely march toward changing what we can or just hunker down and hope God and others will take care of it all?

What can you do? Here are a couple of starting places.
1. Talk to your small group about the in's and out's of unmasking and self-revelation. First, be informed yourself.
2. Determine you are going to reveal some aspects of yourself, for starters, despite whether or not others agree to do the same. Educate them on what is and is not helpful to you regarding their responses.
3. Form a discussion group of three or more people and study and talk about church, or to say it differently, discuss with each other what you want to give and receive from your group.
4. Consider study materials, such as the writings of: Frank Viola, Neil Cole, Melt Rodriguez, and Tony and Felicity Dale. I warn you that if you are open to what they have to say and ponder it as you look at scripture, you will not be the same.

Christian Counseling - Writer's uh...mmm...Block or...?

A little word of caution! This blog does not contain my usual content and its style is uncharacteristic.

At mid-morning I began to write a blog for today. It is now 1 p.m. Writer's block? Yea! There are dozens of reasons for blocking. Mine? Well, today it's about the vestige of perfectionism that slyly rose out of bed with me, secretly drank an energy drink and turned into the likeness of a Tasmanian devil (Tas). Nothing was good enough to write about today, much to his glee and my groans!

Sometimes I secretly wish I was a little (more?) on the narcissistic side because everything I would write would be just great. In that vein, I might even agree that "Life is a bowl of cherries." But I know the Tas would be quick to point out the pesticides on the cherries, the stem is inedible, somewhere in the world there are sweeter ones, and one could choke and die on a pit. At these times, what I wouldn't give to have the problem written in Proverbs 21:2, "Every man's way is right in his own eyes..." How happy, at least for a little while, is one who is blind and ignorant and possesses a massive array of psychological defenses. One of the negative consequences of knowing psychology is that it is very difficult for me to put my defenses to good use without me knowing what I am really doing.

Okay, so where is this going? Well, I cautioned you. So, what is right in your eyes; what do you think? Is this writing about one take on writer's block, a simple slice of humor, about nothing in particular, or is it about a blank slate onto which you can project your own meaning? Of course, the answer lies in the uh...the...title, well, it also has some attempted humor and it's a blank slate too. Heck, if you cracked a smile, I am happy. Just consider this a mini vacation, unlike how my day is going.

Christian Counseling - Fit to Stand Trial

Many people have been watching and/or following the murder trial of Casey Anthony, who is accused of taking the life of her 2-year-old daughter. Recently a question came up during the trial regarding her seemingly erratic behavior. It seemed to concern the defense enough that they had Ms. Anthony examined to determine whether she was fit to stand trial. While some may believe that this was some type of ploy by the defense to gain a mistrial, the concept of fitness for trial is an important one to consider.

In order to be fit to stand trial, the defendant has to be found to be physically, cognitively, and psychologically able. What this means is that they must be able to:

1. understand the nature of the charges against them.
2. understand the possible consequences they face.
3. participate and communicate effectively with counsel in their defense.

For example, a person who is in a coma would be unfit to stand trial. As a result, they would not be tried until which time they were physically able to face the charges against them. Someone who is cognitively disabled may be determined to be unfit to stand trial due to cognitive limitations that would keep them from meeting the three standards discussed above. Finally, someone may also be determined to be psychologically disabled (i.e. suffering from certain symptoms of schizophrenia) to the point that they also would not meet the criteria outlined above. It was fears of psychologically disability that prompted the evaluation of Casey Anthony last weekend. She was determined by several mental health professionals to be competent to stand trial. As a result, the trial continued.

Christian Counseling - A Note on the Passing of Clarence Clemons

Clarence "the Big Man" Clemons passed away this weekend from complications of a stroke suffered a week earlier. Many of the younger generation have been more moved by the passing of Ryan Dunn of "Jackass" fame than by the loss of Clemons. However, for many of my generation, the death of Clemons represents a significant loss.

For those who enjoy the music of Bruce Springsteen, the experience of being a fan is only in part the enjoyment of the music. The live marathon concert is what made Springsteen famous. His 4 hour shows often felt like a Rock and Roll revival that left fans exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. As time has passed, and Springsteen has aged as we all have, the length of his concerts has moved from 4 to close to 3 hours. One of the unkindest parts of aging is dealing with decline and loss. For Springsteen fans, many who have seen him upwards of 40 times in concert (I've only seen him 13 times), the loss of Clemons will fundamentally alter their experience of a Springsteen concert.

The loss of Clemons represents something deeper than just the present experience of Bruce Springsteen and his music. The loss of Clemons represents a loss of youth. Rock and Roll, the music we grow up with, and Bruce Springsteen in particular all represent freedom, youth, and the possibilities of life. That is why, while people may still enjoy new music, there is nothing quite like the music of our youth. You see, it is not only the music itself that touches us, but the context in which we first hear the music. Now, death brings sadness to our memories of youth. The passion of Clemon's saxophone is tinged with grief.

Some will have difficulty listening to Springsteen's music in the future knowing that the "Big Man" has been silenced. We can never recapture our youth. However, as we embrace that loss is a part of life, we can cherish the memories of our past, take what was best from our youth, and move on to face the challenges of the future.

So, the loss of the "Big Man" is similar to many losses that we will need to grieve in life. As with other losses, grief is not something that can be avoided. We either deal with grief or it deals with us. Grief is multifaceted. It is not one size fits all. The death of Clarence Clemons may represent a loss of youth, while the death of Ryan Dunn may represent, for a younger generation, the loss of the personal fable of invulnerability. As with many things, the what is not as important as the why. We need not judge what we are grieving. Instead, we need to understand why we are grieving. By doing this, we can begin the process of healing and moving forward.

Christian Counseling - Politicians Behaving Badly

Another week... another scandal. It seems we cannot open our newspapers without seeing another politician fall. First, Arnold Schwarzenegger, then John Edwards, and then Anthony Weiner. Each accused of using their power in inappropriate ways. Many people have asked me the question, "If these politicians are so smart, how is it that they seem so stupid?" Another way of looking at this is how did they think that they would not get caught?

There are many possible explanations for these issues. I will focus on one possible explanation that would not be unique or specific to the men mentioned above. There are personality traits that are often associated with people who pick certain careers. Politicians often score high on scales of narcissism and sociopathy. People who score high on narcissism and sociopathy typically lack empathy for others. In addition, there is a tendency toward manipulative behavior associated with narcissism and sociopathy.

Lack of empathy and manipulative behavior has often been associated with career politicians. However, this does not explain the risky behavior that some politicians display. One explanation for this is the idea of homeostasis. Our personalities, like our body temperature, seek level ground. When we get too hot, we sweat, which serves to cool our body to a natural set point (typically 98.6). Well, we also have a set point for arousal. Some people have a higher set point for arousal than others. The set point for arousal of those with narcissistic or sociopathic traits is often significantly higher than others. What this means is that a "normal" family or sex life does not help them reach their natural set point. As a result, they feel a need to engage in more arousing activities to reach that set point. For some people, this results in engaging in risky sexual behavior.

Finally, like with drug abuse, as they engage in riskier sexual behavior, they get used to, or become habituated to the sexual behavior and need to increase the behavior either in terms of frequency or severity to reach the previous level of arousal. This increase in the behavior sometimes results in the person being "found out".

The above answer represents only one possible answer as to why some people, not just politicians, engage in this type of sexual behavior. It is not meant to excuse behavior. Rather, the above serves as one possible explanation for certain behaviors.

Christian Counseling - Psychoneuroimmunology

Psychoneuroimmunology is the study of the relationship between behavior, the central nervous system and the immune system and health. Like any other modern branch of research, it is in its infancy. Yet, when multiple studies reveal similar results, we can have more confidence in the outcome.  Here is some of the latest news of interest.


COLDS:

-  Colds are transmitted and brought on more effectively in people with fewer types of good relationships, who exhibit poor stress responses and are depressed.

CANCER:

- In animal studies, stress accelerates tumor growth and metastasis.
- Group therapy lengthens the life of victims of breast cancer and melanoma.
- Socially isolated cancer victims have a much worse course.
- The fewer calories eaten the fewer tumors one gets.
- Fat (not from fish or vegetable oils) increases cancer, i.e. colon, and suppresses the immune system.

HERPES:

- Recurrences are associated with passive coping styles (drinking or sleeping more), which are related to depression.

DEPRESSION & GRIEF:

- Bereavement predicts worse immune responses.
- Cultivating positive thoughts and responses to the loss of a loved one is good for the immune system.
- Depression has been repeatedly shown to suppress the immune system and enhance disease progression. As depression rises so do the number of illnesses.


Here is a short list of things one can do to boost the immune system and increase health:

- Don't overdose on vitamins. They should always be taken in moderation and not exceed recommended dosages with the exception of "C" which can be taken in large doses without any known negative effect. Increasing recommended dosages is related to immunosuppression, unless it is only done so for a couple of days, i.e., zinc for a cold.
- Maintain a diet of low bad fat and sugar.
- Be sure to keep your Body Mass Index (BMI) below 30 (visit http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ to calculate).
- Quit smoking.
- Get a massage.
- Learn to meditate and take up moderate exercise through Yoga, Qigong, etc.
- Get treatment for depression.
- Learn to relax.
- Manage stress, which is your response to external stressors.
- Develop open and supportive relationships with family, friends and your church.
- And keep on praying, as it positively affects the immune system.


Information taken from the seminar: "The Immune System: The Mind-Body Connection: Who Gets Sick and Who Stays Well" presented by Steven Keller, Ph.D. on March 11, 2011and sponsored by the Institute for Brain Potential. 

Christian Counseling - Beware Media Reporting

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/HeartHealth/diet-soda-linked-heart-attack-stroke-risk/story?id=12868269

Recently, the media began reporting on a study linking diet soda to increased stroke risk. A search of the Internet for "diet soda and stroke" came up with 1,400,000 hits. The above included link provides the best information I could find describing the study and its limitations. The problem with much of the material I viewed on the Internet and on television is that the study is presented as having found a cause and effect relationship between diet soda and stroke. This is simply not true. The data is correlational in nature. Therefore, there is a relationship between diet soda and stroke risk, but the nature of this relationship is not understood. The ABC News article does an excellent job of describing the other possible variables that may account for the relationship between diet soda and stroke.

Another problem with some media reporting is that, while they discussed the limitations of the study, they also encouraged people to cut back on their diet soda intake. Why? If there is no causal link between diet soda and health concerns, why would someone need to curtail their diet soda intake?

Finally, what is also problematic is that studies like this one are then used by some politicians to change public policy. It is likely that, in the near future, a state senator somewhere will write a piece of legislation designed to increase taxes on diet soda, using this study to say that there is an increased public health risk stemming from diet soda intake.

As always, we must be cautious about media reporting of scientific studies, and, when research is correlational in nature, we must consider the other variables that might be influencing the results. Remember, just because the rooster crows and the sun comes up, it does not mean that the rooster causes the sun to come up.

Christian Counseling - The Hard Realities of Cell Phone Use and Driving

One-third of all nationwide traffic accidents are the result of cell phone use while driving. If that is not sobering enough, consider that cell phone use and driving is similar to drinking and driving regarding impairment of attention. Perhaps surprising to some is hands-free cell phones are just as distracting as hand-held. Add to those research outcomes another study that showed people cannot really multitask, despite what they think. In reality, the brain focuses on one primary activity at a time. Phone talk results in a decreased ability to perceive and process external information, such as traffic. The studies also showed that drivers' patterns of speech are different when they are talking on the phone and when talking with a passenger. Perhaps because the passenger can see what's happening with the traffic it seems permissible for drivers to temporarily slow down their speech or temporarily terminate it to respond to traffic.1 

If the trend of research continues to move in a similar direction, it seems inevitable that in the not too distant future most states will pass laws prohibiting phone talk while driving. The question is, Why wait? If one believes the mounting evidence, why put oneself, loved ones and even strangers at risk? That is, unless a person thinks he or she is the exception--can multitask and an accident won't happen to him. Or perhaps a person feels she can't stop herself (one way to describe addiction).

What do you think? Are you willing to volunteer and join the 20% of people who do not phone talk and drive? I just did.


1. Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. Why Cell Phone Conversations Distract Drivers. September, 2010: Vol. 27, No. 3, p. 7.

Christian Counseling - The Left, The New Right And Christians

Chris Matthews of MSNBC hosted a documentary on June 16th entitled, "The Rise of the New Right: A Hardball." In truth, this was both propaganda for the Left and an expose on conservatives who should be greatly feared because of their hatred, rage and militant mentality against the government of the United States.

The docupropexpose hypocritically criticized the scare tactics of the default leaders of the right (Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly, etc.), while they themselves emphasized how fearful Americans should be of conservatives represented by those in the tea party, patriot groups, birthers and militias. They painted these groups as one and the same--a serious threat to our country that needs only a spark to ignite the flammable civil unrest, leading to civil war. This may be true for the fringe elements or true extremists of the Right, but it's not representative of the active, moderate mothers, grandfathers and Christian conservatives. The show frequently associated the Right with radicals, such as Senator Joseph McCarthy and terrorists, like Timothy McVeich (Oklahoma City bombing).

Generally, it's true most conservatives are very angry over the economy, Obamacare, out-of-control government spending, and the "towering national deficit." To that list I would add ignoring the majority of Americans' wishes, a big and growing government, influencing us to be afraid of government control and more specific issues, such as burgeoning socialistic entitlements. But Matthews went way beyond this to incite the Right and unify the Left by the completely unsubstantiated comment, "There is a clash of class and racial resentment that is loud, visible and unmistakable (in the Right)." The shows only reference to this was a purposefully veiled statement that any dislike or disapproval of Obama is racially motivated. Even with that they failed to cite one piece of evidence or show one clip from the multitude of available videos of tea partiers or even militias. This is pure propaganda, which remains one of the Left's tactics--to miseducate the public with tainted facts and gross, negative interpretations about the Right.

What does this mean to Christians? We are demeaned, disrespected and are quickly being viewed as enemies of the government. The Left's bitterness for us who are upsetting their well-planned agenda will likely lead to their direct and increased opposition to conservatives. This could prove to be a threat to our freedoms and open Christian way of life. Is this how persecution of Christians begins?

As a whole, moderate conservatives don't hate government. We know it's from God, and we respect it. What is despised and rejected is a controlling and intrusive government that threatens our civil liberties and God-given rights. What most of us hate is not government, but corruption in government. Proverbs 8:13 reminds us about a righteous and legitimate hatred that belongs in the quiver of every Christian--"The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverted mouth, I hate."

Christian Counseling - Memorial Day

"Four score and seven years ago our father's brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now, we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus so far nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us; that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion; that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation. under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." Abraham Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address", November 19, 1863.

Nothing more can be said but to have a safe Memorial Day as we honor our fallen.

Christian Counseling - Smoking and Depression

Recent research has found a link between smoking and depression. Those who smoke tend to be more depressed than non-smoking subjects.

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/04/14/many-smokers-suffer-from-depression/12846.html

There are several ways to look at this research. One is that there is something about smoking that leads to depression. This is a common perception among those who are against smoking and want the government to set policy banning smoking.

However, another view, which seems closer potentially to the facts of the research is that people who smoke and people who are depressed have something in common. Freud would say that people who smoke potentially are "stuck" in the oral phase of development. The oral phase is when the child seeks gratification and soothing through the mouth. It is also a period when the child has great dependency needs. One could argue that people who smoke are attempting to sooth themselves through smoking. In addition, Freud and other psychodynamic theorists would suggest that people who become depressed have greater dependency needs than others. As a result, they become more Id, or desire driven, in their approach to daily life, seeking immediate gratification for their needs. This way of looking at the link between smoking and depression also then provides an explanation as to why people who are depressed and smoke have greater difficulty quitting smoking.

As more research is done in this area, keep an open mind as the research is correlational in nature. Remember, correlation does not imply causation. In other words, just because the rooster crows and the sun comes up does not mean that the rooster is causing the sun to come up. I will post further thoughts on this area of research as new findings become available.

Christian Counseling - Banning Tanning

It is becoming ever more obvious that Man's logic is not the same as God's. The most recent example of this is the FDA considering banning the use of tanning beds for people under the age of 18. There could be multiple reactions to this story. Now, I am am not now nor have I ever been someone who has entered a tanning salon. My exposure to the world of tanning is limited to a "Friends" episode where Ross ventured unsuccessfully into a salon. One would only have to take a look at the Casperesque whiteness of my skin to know that tanning is not something that I think of very often.

As a society, we see people who are tan and thin as being more attractive. This is an interesting phenomenon since, prior to the 1900s, the opposite was considered attractive. If you look at the art of the 18th and 19th centuries, you will see that people were considered attractive if they were pale and, shall we say, slightly on the chubby side. The reason for this was that if you were pale and heavier, it meant that you had money for food and were not working outside. These were all attractive qualities at the time. Now, some of you may be thinking that I was born in the wrong century. Maybe if I was born earlier, I could have been the George Clooney of the 19th century.

There is another reason that the tanning issue is interesting to me. Actually, I find it more infuriating than interesting as it shows again how far we have moved away from God. We are interested in banning tanning because it is harmful to teens. However, that is not the only reason. If that were the case, we would ban all kinds of things that teens are involved in today. It is not just that it is harmful, it is that we consider teens judgment so poor that they cannot make the determination themselves about what is healthy or unhealthy for them. So, the government is interested in banning something that is potentially harmful for the teen because they do not yet have the ability to consider the long-term consequences of their actions. However, teenagers are encouraged to engage in sexual relationships and allowed to get abortions in many cases without parental consent or notification.

As we approach the celebration of Jesus' death and His glorious resurrection, I am reminded more and more of how our society is desperately in need of a Savior. Please join me in praying for our country. In addition, please pray for our leaders, including President Obama, that they will not just serve the will of the people, but will serve the will of God. Pray that our leaders and our fellow citizens will stand as one in defense of the sanctity of life. God bless you all this Easter.

Christian Counseling - Are We Really Friends?

Today, like any other, I logged onto my Facebook account to see what my friends were doing. One was getting ready to go on vacation. Another was having medical tests done. Yet another was saying they had a good sandwich for lunch (I may have to de-friend that one). I could not help but ask myself, "When was the last time you actually spoke to any of these people?" The truth is, I have not spoken to any of the people mentioned above in quite some time (actually years).

Perhaps you do a better job of keeping in touch with your Facebook friends than I do. I doubt it, though. If you are like me, between work, marriage, kids, you rarely have time for much else. Facebook gives us the illusion of close relationships with a great number of people. However, we cannot possibly keep in touch with that many people.

The illusion might not be so bad if it did not impact our other more significant relationships. However, I have found myself growing satisfied with keeping up to date with people in my life through Facebook. My deeper, more intimate friendships have been relegated to a check of Facebook status. This is not healthy for me or for any of us. First of all, we cannot have intimate friendship with 765 people. Our number of Facebook friends does not indicate who our true friends are. Second, we cannot have healthy relationships in 140 characters or less. We need to spend time physically and in conversation to develop intimate friendships.

Among many things, what Facebook allows us to do is to never feel the sadness of friendships changing or ending. There are many people who have been important to us over the years who we have lost touch with for many reasons. As we think of these friends, there is a mixture of joy in the memory and sadness in the loss. However, being realistic, our lives have changed. Many people are important to us in chapters in our lives. Some continue on and are important throughout the entire book of our lives. Just because someone's chapter has closed does not make that friendship any less real or valuable in the scope of our lives. It is OK for us to move on to new friendships. It is also OK for our friends to have moved on as well.

Take stock of your current friends. Who are the people with whom you would like to spend your time? Keep the list small and be deliberate about seeking those people out. I know it is difficult to find the time to invest in deep friendships. If you're stuck, here's a novel idea, take the time you spend on Facebook and spend that time actually talking with someone on your list. Good luck!

Christian Counseling - The State of the Union

Tonight is the State of the Union. We can likely expect the same generalities and largely empty promises. However, I am hoping to hear some evidence of self and other awareness. Many politicians have at the least narcissistic tendencies if not a diagnosable personality disorder. Narcissism among politicians is almost a pre-requisite, but it is certainly an occupational hazard. Jimmy Carter, whether you liked his policies or not, is seemingly a very devout Christian. When asked if he had a large ego, he responded that anyone who seeks to become the leader of the free world by definition has an enormous ego.

So, in our society, a servant leader is difficult to come by. Even if a politician is not a servant leader, we can expect that, while they are going to act in their self-interest, they do not only act in their self-interest. We would hope that they would consider the needs and desires of the people. Recently, President Obama stated that the same anger that brought him to office is the same anger that brought Scott Brown to office in Massachusetts. Let me get this straight… the anger with George Bush (a Republican) that brought the election of President Obama is the same anger that brought Scott Brown to office (also a Republican). Does this make sense to anyone? Others in the Obama administration have stated the same theory which essentially is saying that the Brown election acts as some sort of mandate for President Obama and his policies.

President Obama’s theory left me with one of two possible conclusions. The first is that President Obama is delusional and actually believes what he said. If this is the case, he lacks the self awareness and reflection necessary to make necessary personal and policy changes. The second is that he knows why Scott Brown was elected, and he is lying to us as a people. This reflects a lack of awareness of the other, in this case the other being the American people. To believe that people lack the necessary intelligence to see through this theory crosses the border of insulting. Which one is worse?

Even Bill Clinton, in the face of the Republican takeover of the House of Representatives in 1994, changed his tone and worked with the new Republican Congress to pass significant legislation. I’m not saying that Bill Clinton did not have narcissistic tendencies. However, he was at least a pragmatist, and saw that it was in his self-interest to moderate his views in order to get re-elected.

So, while others may be listening for policy statements, I will be listening for personal statements. If President Obama can exhibit self and other awareness, I would have hope for his administration and the change that he promised. If not, I will be waiting for 2012 (as long as the movie of the same title is not correct). Right now, however, I have the same feeling about the Obama administration that I had about the movie Avatar. I feel like I have seen both before. I liked the less sleek version of Avatar better when it was called Dances with Wolves. To me, the Obama administration is just a sleeker version of the Carter administration. If he does not change, those of you who are not happy with the direction the country is going can hopefully take some solace in what my brother is fond of saying. “The country has survived many terrible presidents. We can survive President Obama.”

Next time, I will step down from my political soap box to discuss how you can do a yearly state of YOUR union (your marriage).