Christian Counseling: Heroes and Leadership

Optimus Prime, Xena, Buffy, Spiderman, Princess Leia, Ironman, yes, they are all heroes. Is there any child, along with some adults, who does not at some point idealize a person or Autobot? All of us at one time or another desire, and in some ways need, to look up to someone or something greater than ourselves. It almost seems instinctive. Most children identify with the hero who almost always possesses characteristics, like: courage, strength, fairness and concern or love for others. This seems like a good thing, and certainly is not all bad. But I have a concern that it morphs into the adult version of desiring or needing heroes.

It appears the adult version is desiring more realistic humans who can't transform or cling to a smooth surface, and who eventually physically tire and are unable to win every single battle. They are seen as quasi-superhuman. These adult heroes are given names or titles or their given names are idealized. Contemporary names include: some nicknames, sports figures, doctor, the overused "hero," rabbi, pastor, teacher, leader and even Father. This list is not exhaustive. We could include any name that is accompanied by an attitude or belief that raises the value and importance of a man or woman beyond what is true and wise, beyond the One we call Jesus. Some of these other names are: CEO, chief, Senator and counselor. In biblical times some men's names were lifted up--"I am of Paul..."I am of Apollos" (1 Corinthians 3:4), to which Paul responded by saying they are but servants. Paul planted, Apollos watered, but God grew (:6). Paul says we can follow his (and other men's) example, but we don't extol them to the position of hero, or said differently, people who replace Jesus on some level. And it is right to honor those in positions of responsibility. But there are limitations. In the Old Testament, Israel wanted kings to rule over them, but God didn't want it so. The people pressed the point and God relented, saying the people have rejected Him as King for inferior earthly kings (1 Samuel 8:4-7).

Matthew 23:8-10 tells us not to call others rabbi or teacher or father or leader because "'One is your Leader, that is, Christ.'" There are authors today, with whom I agree, who say there is no biblical mandate, suggestion or even hint there should exist a hierarchy of leadership in the church (by which we identify with a label), for we are all one and equal, though some more talented or differently gifted. Verse 11 goes on to say we are all servants and Ephesians 5:21 unequivocally states mutual submission is the standard by which every Christian lives his or her life in the body of Christ.

First Peter 5:3 says those who lead (however, are not called leaders, but servants, shepherds, overseers, etc.) are not to lord it over others who are in their care. Those who have charge over others are to model their leading by the greatness of serving and by persuasion (Greek - convince. Other similar words are win and urge. Matt. 28:14; 2 Cor. 3:43 and Acts 13:43).

Also, using the word "leadership" is at the very least confusing, if not wrong, because it refers to the state or position of being a leader. Any time we call someone by an elevated name, accompanied by the same attitude of extolling him beyond what is appropriate, we place him between us and God, similar to putting one who hears confession between us and God--Jesus is our only Mediator. God is jealous to keep the honored position of being our One and Only Leader, Teacher, Father and King. It is so easy for young people and children to attribute their desire and need for heroes to men and women. The developmental consequence of that is it seems normal and natural for adults to want their presidents, kings, leaders, etc. In the church, Jesus Christ is The Leader, let it be so.

Christian Counseling: Church: Sunday Morning Praise, Worship and Dissimulation

Praise and worship of God is the order for Sunday mornings and really anytime for those devoted to God. Those who are His, know He is the only One worthy of our adoration. The church is ordained by Him and is special enough to be called His bride. Its value is unmatched, except by God Himself. Yet, according to George Barna research, with 10's of millions of born-again Christians who have left the tradition or institutional church and the million or so that is added to their ranks each year, not all is well, far from it. In truth, the crumbling state of our contemporary church is a dead serious issue and should have denominations quaking in their pulpits.

On any given Sunday morning in most any institutional church, the people enter a building with smiles, engage in a round of greetings and perhaps a couple of brief, positive conversations. They sit passively in their pews and follow the bulletin that outlines the upbeat, corporate service that often begins with a hymn, then perhaps announcements, a second, superficial greeting of those sitting close by, Bible reading, prayers, offering, sermon and other activities often led by a sole leader. At the conclusion, the smiles continue as some make a beeline for the parking lot, some have a couple more brief, positive conversations, and a few discuss church business or follow up previous talks that have a modicum of depth.

Below the surface a lot more is going on. But to see it one has to, and I'll date myself, "Put on your thinking cap!" What is going on? What is missing from the above Sunday morning example? What are you missing in your church experience. Of course, there are individual services, as well as periods of time, where all seems well and one is happy with the way things are going when church is assembled. But that will not last, especially as one gets older, becomes spiritually mature and is better informed.

Before getting to what is missing, it is necessary to understand what else is going on. It is dissimulation. It means concealing or disguising one's thoughts, feelings or character. I am not saying there are no genuine smiles or that every single person conceals everything. But the majority of people in the majority of American churches do conceal their negative thoughts, feelings and characteristics. Dissimulation seems to have become a way of life for most Christians in our country. For them there exist subjects, experiences, truths and realities that are off limits in conversation with each other and in which prayer requests long ago morphed into "unspoken" requests (though on rare occasion they are warranted). Examples of taboo subjects include: anger, fear, money, sex, spiritual questions, doubts, and boredom, marital and family conflicts, anxiety, depression, and especially and foremost avoided are those things having to do with one's own sin nature. An example of such would be the rampant porn addiction that affects leaders and laity alike. The result of dissimulation is manifold and, I believe, connected to why so many are leaving the institutional church.

Dissimulation misses and ignores the present imperative, requiring "confessing your sins to one another" portion of James 5:16. I have little doubt the idea of confessing to others strikes fear into a lot of people. Many will claim there are a thousand roadblocks (containing some mixed faulty and truth-filled thinking) to doing it, like: I only need to confess to God, God is in control of everything, no guarantee of confidentiality, concern with what others will think, being judged, fear of rejection, loss of position in church, difficulty with humbling oneself, etc. The price to pay is too high, fear is too strong and no one is going to be the voluntary guinea pig. This resistant thinking is friends with a lifestyle of "play it safe," which is the opposite of the courage God expects in living for Him, even to the extent of losing one's life. Christian's safety resides in the next life, not this one.

Some will say, "Well you can't have confession on Sunday mornings in a large crowd of people." Really, can't? It's not the first place to start, but...  Some may continue to say, "You can have the openness in a mini-church" (or other small group). Speaking to these small groups, save a few, experiencing some minor depth of mutual self-revelation can seem monumental and feel sufficient, so there is the temptation to leave it there and not push the envelope. Of course, any beginning is good, but it is only a beginning. Most don't know and have not experienced a group unmasking that, if properly handled, leads to church as God intends.  

Christians who engage in dissimulation quash the Holy Spirit, cannot offer genuine relationships or participate in authentic community. They cannot experience the depth of full acceptance, belonging, or unconditional love, except to a limited degree. The Holy Spirit is relegated to a few peeps and scripture is applied only to what the individual allows or the corporate body permits, and that, without the necessary and intended checks and balances created by God that should exist in the church; that is, in part, the voices of everyone contributing to the building up of the church rather than the voices of a leader or two. That's what it takes to grow oneself and the church--a plurality of relationships. Every church body has a form of personal relationships and a general sense of  community, but today most all are far, far from His design. As a professional counselor, I believe that at the root of most non-biological mental illnesses is the inadequacy of past and present relationships. Church is meant by God to be the healing force, first to its own members and second to the the world (by our inviting example) to come and find rest from their burdens and pains of life in an environment of life-giving support and nurture.

The alternative to concealing oneself is mutual self-revelation, that is what James 5:16 is partly about--being open, honest and truthful in living one's life out in the open, just as the Bible openly displays its characters. Consider this partial Facebook posting I recently read:

              Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer,                                  
                   Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was
                   moody, Moses stuttered...


And we could easily add to that list other far from perfect, biblical characters. Why does God display the dark side of these men and women? Because that is the example of how we are all to live - in the open, not hidden lives; revealing and not cutting off despicable parts of ourselves. We are not different from one another, we all have a living, active and treacherous sin nature. Why do many Christians agree with that, but publicly act as if that nature was dormant?

For those of you who feel compelled to defend the church from these words, I feel as you, but I will not hide from a discussion of the problems, nor from people, historically and contemporarily, who have incorporated secular principles from culture, religion and business and transformed the church into something unbiblical, especially when I so frequently hear from and see in my clients the silent pain of spiritual crisis and the suffering that results from the repression of feelings and thoughts, from a lack of deep, genuine, healthy spiritual relationships and from the absence of the powerful healing force of authentic community where Christ truly has first place.

I want to see the church thrive, not just try to survive. At this unique time in America, Christians everywhere need to engage in discussion about what church is, means, how it functions and what God is saying to the church today. Seismic activity has hit the church and hurricane winds are threatening (at the time of this writing, the East Coast has had both within a couple of days). Shall we heed the signs and fiercely march toward changing what we can or just hunker down and hope God and others will take care of it all?

What can you do? Here are a couple of starting places.
1. Talk to your small group about the in's and out's of unmasking and self-revelation. First, be informed yourself.
2. Determine you are going to reveal some aspects of yourself, for starters, despite whether or not others agree to do the same. Educate them on what is and is not helpful to you regarding their responses.
3. Form a discussion group of three or more people and study and talk about church, or to say it differently, discuss with each other what you want to give and receive from your group.
4. Consider study materials, such as the writings of: Frank Viola, Neil Cole, Melt Rodriguez, and Tony and Felicity Dale. I warn you that if you are open to what they have to say and ponder it as you look at scripture, you will not be the same.

Christian Counseling - The Sense of Community Lights The Way

In the 80's, President George H. W. Bush spoke about a "thousand points of light," which referred to the many people who's beacons shine because of their societal contributions. Acts such as these give the world another reason to believe in America's great and generous spirit and help solidify its exceptionalism. People's light inspire others to similar action in their communities and/or serve as an attraction beckoning people to come and live in the Land of the Free.

As Christians, we are given the honored title and responsibility of being the "light of the world." In a world that's dark, light attracts. What light attracts the most? There is nothing like the light of genuine community. A diverse group of people who are unified by love around spiritual truths and the wondrous presence of God. Unfortunately, this is not the state of the institutional church in America who has lost sight of true community, but seems to be the property of only a few small groups. The powerful and telling words of Jesus reflect the importance of community in His priestly prayer in John 17:23, "I in them and You in Me, that they [Christians] may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me." Christians in genuine community are the spiritual thousand points of light.

A genuine community is open (not reserved in the give and take of love, honest criticism and deep self-disclosure), accepting (without condition, despite being so different in looks, customs and beliefs--there's ample room for individuality), a place of unique belonging (we are family. As Jesus said, family is no longer about biology, but spirituality-- Matthew 12:46-50), committed to God and one another (like the strong unconditional covenant God makes with us and exemplified in the relationship between Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18:1 and 2 Samuel 1:26 and other verses interspersed between them). The focus of such a group is on the here-and-now; that is, the relationships between self, God and others who are present. Group tasks and book studies, etc. can distract people from the primary focus of relationships that are happening in the room. Harmony, safety and love rule in genuine community, even when they are in conflict. Such people don't just showcase the sense of community, they live it with each other, out in the open. Who wouldn't be attracted to that?

Are you in a genuine community of believers who shine like this to each other and those outside? Don't settle  for less. Find, create or reform a group (with a couple of others) and develop that community. Jesus wants it and every person needs it. It starts with one person who is willing to live the life. Is that you?

Christian Counseling - Men and Father Hunger

Robert Bly is an author and speaker and has been called the secular father of the men's movement in America. He eloquently stated all men are wounded by their fathers (often because they were emotionally distant or absent) that created a hole in their son's hearts, which they attempted to fill with demons (achievement, substance abuse, power, etc.).

Numerous books, articles and the Promise Keepers movement have highlighted the need for men to grow in awareness of the father wound that leaves men vulnerable to developing a profound father hunger--the need for closeness with and guidance and affirmation from their fathers. Many I have counseled over the years initially had little recognition of the impact of their uninvolved father. Yet, in time, with self-understanding, most discovered their woundedness and father hunger. They then sought to meet that need.

God is a fairly good and certainly needed substitute for the lack of an earthly father, but that relationship lacks the physical arms and presence of a man as a role model, as well as the ability to have immediate and direct conversation. This leads men to develop relationships with other men to satisfy the hunger, especially if their fathers remain unavailable. But developing ties with other men is tricky.

All men need close male connections for many reasons, one of which is that a woman cannot help a man be a man or teach him about what it means to be masculine, only a man can do that. Despite their need for male connection, men are pulled in the opposite direction--to keep the learned distance. Part of the problem is that men feel competitive with other men and want to maintain an image that is strong, fearless and self-sufficient, all of which limits or even prevents connection and the ultimate healing that came come from those needed male relationships. It is a significant dilemma, but one that can be overcome.

What men need is a community of men where they are safe, accepted and free to express themselves in all honesty and openness. The growth in this type of men's group reaches it apex when their communication is centered exclusively on living the Christian life with one another and developing those relationships. In this vain, books, bible study topics and work tasks (which have their place, in other groups) are seriously limited or not permitted because they often lead to logical interaction and hamper personal revelation and emotional connection. This type of group is rare. It is also scary at first, until the awkwardness subsides and authenticity of relationships finds a foothold.

From personal experience, there is no church group for men that is better than this type--male to male, open communication. An experience of this kind gives clarity to what David meant and felt about Jonathan after his death in 2 Samuel 1:26, "I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; you have been very pleasant to me. Your love to me was more wonderful than the love of women."

Christian Counseling - To What Or Whom Should We Be Loyal?

Loyalty, as seen through the eyes of humor:

A grandmother was told by her grandson that her Sunday school teacher said Jesus was Jewish. The Presbyterian grandmother replied, "Well that may be, but I assure you, God is still a Presbyterian."

A wealthy old man was very enthusiastic about his lovely young bride, but sometimes wondered if she married him for his money. He asked her, "If I lost all my money, would you still love me?"
She retorted, "Of course I would still love you! Don't be silly. But I would miss you."

The loyalty of these protagonists is revealed to be short of what we know should be a greater loyalty - to people, above a denomination or money. But the question, loyalty to whom or what, becomes more difficult to figure out given certain circumstances.

"Blood is thicker than water" is an adage meaning family will be there, should be there for one another and supersedes the loyalty to non-family members. It appears most Christians still hold to this view. Some believe going against family for any reason is wrong and doing so should leave one feeling guilty over an obvious betrayal. However, the word betray refers to disloyalty that is treacherous and favors an enemy over one's family, friend, country, etc.

All of this begs the question, what is family? Is it the nuclear or extended members of our clan or is it any group to whom we are bonded, such as an organization or the human race? What is the family to which we should be most loyal? Consider what Jesus said that redefined the definition of family. Someone approached Jesus and said that his mother and brothers were outside, wanting to speak to Him. He replied, "'Who is My mother and who are My brothers?' And stretching His hand out toward His disciples, He said, 'Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.'"  (Matthew 12:46-50). Herein is our greater loyalty, a new family that is bound by Jesus' blood.

Yet, are there righteous occasions when our loyalty to the spiritual family should be abandoned? You don't think I am going to to say "No!" do you? Yes, there is an even greater loyalty that supersedes our new family. It is synonymous with God and is the foundation of righteousness. It is something that is at the top of the heap, at the very apex of any pedestal, and bows to no other. It is truth. If our loved ones are not living in truth and expect us to go along to protect the family, we are presented with a temptation and dilemma, but our allegiance to the truth, according to our understanding and conscience, trumps all other offers of loyalty. In that we can have confidence and freedom from guilt. In these situations, the priority is not people, but truth, because the people, who may be Christians, have abandoned the truth for falsehood, lies and self-preservation.
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It is a hard road that is too infrequently traveled, and most travel the road of truth alone. But God sees, knows and rejoices in those who live a life of integrity and maintain ultimate loyalties. He understands because Jesus traveled this road. Many of those who choose the higher road have experienced His sustaining gift of peace that passes understanding. To whom or what are you most loyal?
 

Christian Counseling - "Us and Them"

Do you remember the words from this song?
You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world.
When all others turn their back and walk away
You can count on me to stay.


During the 70's the Australian born pop singer, Helen Reddy, sang the hit "You and Me Against the World" to her daughter Traci, who was featured in speaking the opening and closing words. The song is about commitment and dependability and speaks to the eternal bond between a mother and her daughter and of family life that continues beyond "when one of us is gone."


The peaceful security of knowing someone will always be there is something to which most everyone can relate. Those who know this have also likely experienced others who have walked away or abandoned them.


It is seriously unfortunate that many Christians take an "us and them" position. It is not infrequent to hear someone express, in so many words, that their denomination or even their specific church is the "us" and all others are "them," meaning the "us" alone has the truth. This kind of exclusivity is not birthed from scripture, but from protectionism and fear.


A person who feels he or she have been identified as one of "them," knows the pain of rejection, especially after having been a significant part of the life of a group or church. They are deeply affected by the suspicious and unaccepting attitude of others who have emotionally and/or physically walked away. They know the chastisement of being treated as a stranger. They also know it can easily happen by committing, what seems like, an unpardonable sin or by not believing exactly like the "us" does. They often continue on in their church the best they can, for a while.


The fear of loss and rejection pressures people to be like the "us." We all need to belong and to be accepted and cared for, and we know that some sacrifice of individuality is required, but how much? Morally, not very much, for our acceptance of people should not be based on a requirement that others believe exactly what we believe, but based on the truth that they are a unique creation of God. The righteous attitude is to "accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us..." (Romans 15:7). We are fully accepted right in the middle of living our sinful life and with all the varied differences of beliefs, thoughts and feelings. As Christians, we are called by God to be like Him, to love all people and regard anyone who follows Christ as family. Yet, for the many who do not have this love or accepting and gracious attitude, their insecurity demands of others a devastating amount of negative self-denial to fit in.


The wounded are left anxious and restless, and grow dissatisfied with superficial acceptance. They feel adrift from the anchoring of deep relationships, inhibited from volunteering to do the work of the church and can be overwhelmed by loneliness. If that isn't enough, they often experience a cooling in their relationship with God. Over time, most realize that the price to pay for inclusion is too great and something has to give.

In their pain and as a result of their maturity, they come to realize they should be true to God and their own beliefs. The collected knowledge and insights gained over the years inevitably leads them to see a different light than others, and they know it is right to say so by reasonable comments and good questions. That assertive behavior is supported by the Word, but often not taken well by others who feel threatened, especially if the group or church has maintained an "us and them" mentality. In the end, many feel driven from their brothers and sisters in the Lord. Some will give other churches a try, but it will be difficult to rebuild a sense of safety and become an integral part of another church body.

Another response of the wounded is to join the ranks of 10's of millions of Americans who no longer attend church. They either go it alone with God or they create or find a small group to attend. Ironically, they can end up with a similar "us and them" attitude, if distrust prevails. God cares deeply about those who fall victim to this sin, and desires their recovery.

Perhaps you can be of help. Have you or others you know experienced the "us and them" mindset? What have you or others found to be helpful? Do you have any suggestions?

Christian Counseling - Leading Small Groups

If you have led a small group, such as a study, prayer or support group, you know the joy that comes with the position. It is a wonderful experience to see others' positive changes because of group interactions and your leadership. A small group is the most effective human change agent available, even more so when the Spirit is invited to be a part. Aside from the possible growth from a catastrophic event, a group experience has the greatest potential to be life-changing.

To achieve or enhance this outcome, a leader(s) must have a knowledge of group dynamics and have developed organizational and relational skill sets. It is not enough to have a good heart, and know the material to be presented, though these are essential. Members look to the leader for spoken and unspoken rules and guidelines about group process and content. Therefore, everything a leader does, says and doesn't influences every aspect of the group--atmosphere, self-disclosure, sense of community, interactions, freedom to be one's self, member growth, etc.

It is most often the subtle, indirect or nonverbal communications of a leader that create, intentionally or not, an understanding as to what is okay and not in the group. For example, a leader of a non-therapy small group must be self-disclosing in order for the members to reveal themselves, regardless of a leaders direct invitation to open sharing. His or her comfortability with conflict, or lack of, informs the group whether or not they are free to discuss problems with other members or suggest changes to the group structure (time, format, etc.).

A group cannot grow beyond the level of the leader. What a leader knows or not, or has and has not worked through in his or her personal life will either propel the group to new heights or prevent them from growing. His or her strengths and weaknesses are absolutely related to the successes and failures of the small group, but are not the only reasons for them. What a leader fears will be avoided in the group, just as his or her openness to members' new thoughts and ideas will encourage group self-revelation and self-acceptance.

Here are a few other essential leader characteristics and skills necessary for a healthy and successful small group:

1. Facilitating change that comes equally from study materials and group interactions.
2. Openness to the power, influence and direction of the group as a whole.
3. Balancing accomplishing tasks and keeping relationships intact.
4. Attending to both group process (member behavior) and group content (issues being discussed).
5. Developing a theory of group dynamics (i.e., stages groups pass through).
6. Flexibility to allow and reveal group conflict and let the here-and-now experience inform and guide problem solving.

These and other characteristics require much self-understanding and study of human behavior, regardless of one's level of development. Having a couple of experienced people to talk with about starting, developing, and managing a group is necessary for the growth of leaders and members.