Christian Counseling - Romantic Feelings and Antidepressant Medication

One of life's greatest emotional pleasures is the head-over-heels experience of new love. From this we likely get phrases, such as "madly in love" and "love is blind." What is responsible for this experience, and what can inhibit this loving feeling?

Spiritually, many Christians believe God's care and His sovereignty provides direction in our meeting, bonding and decisions about a mate.

Psychologically, we all develop an internal representation of our ideal mate, which is both conscious and unconscious. Most people have a list of spousal requirements (conscious), but filling that list doesn't create the spark that ignites passion. What primarily sets our hearts aflame is a mystery (unconscious).

Biochemically,the brain producing hormone, oxytocin, has been shown to increase feelings of love, attachment, and trust, for example. It is released during a massage and a positive relational experience (even thinking about being in love with a particular person) in women (likely in men, as well) who are generally secure in their relationships. It is also released in women during delivery and in men and women during orgasm. This likely accounts for a good amount of the bonding experience between mother and child and also couples.

It is unfortunate in one sense that the brain betrays us in ceasing production of oxytocin after 17 months or so. However, this gives us the chance to develop mature love that is not based on the instability of feelings of love. Scripturally, it may be a move from phileo (affectionate) love to agape (logical, decision-making) love.

It is also unfortunate that antidepressant medication in the form of SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, such as: Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, and Celexa) decrease levels of oxytocin. It appears these meds interfere in the experience of romantic and sexual feelings and may even prevent a romantic relationship. Should you be concerned about this impacting your present or future relationships, talk with your medical doctor about your options. There are other, though limited, medication alternatives in the treatment of depression, and psychotherapy can help.

Christian Counseling - The State of the Union

Tonight is the State of the Union. We can likely expect the same generalities and largely empty promises. However, I am hoping to hear some evidence of self and other awareness. Many politicians have at the least narcissistic tendencies if not a diagnosable personality disorder. Narcissism among politicians is almost a pre-requisite, but it is certainly an occupational hazard. Jimmy Carter, whether you liked his policies or not, is seemingly a very devout Christian. When asked if he had a large ego, he responded that anyone who seeks to become the leader of the free world by definition has an enormous ego.

So, in our society, a servant leader is difficult to come by. Even if a politician is not a servant leader, we can expect that, while they are going to act in their self-interest, they do not only act in their self-interest. We would hope that they would consider the needs and desires of the people. Recently, President Obama stated that the same anger that brought him to office is the same anger that brought Scott Brown to office in Massachusetts. Let me get this straight… the anger with George Bush (a Republican) that brought the election of President Obama is the same anger that brought Scott Brown to office (also a Republican). Does this make sense to anyone? Others in the Obama administration have stated the same theory which essentially is saying that the Brown election acts as some sort of mandate for President Obama and his policies.

President Obama’s theory left me with one of two possible conclusions. The first is that President Obama is delusional and actually believes what he said. If this is the case, he lacks the self awareness and reflection necessary to make necessary personal and policy changes. The second is that he knows why Scott Brown was elected, and he is lying to us as a people. This reflects a lack of awareness of the other, in this case the other being the American people. To believe that people lack the necessary intelligence to see through this theory crosses the border of insulting. Which one is worse?

Even Bill Clinton, in the face of the Republican takeover of the House of Representatives in 1994, changed his tone and worked with the new Republican Congress to pass significant legislation. I’m not saying that Bill Clinton did not have narcissistic tendencies. However, he was at least a pragmatist, and saw that it was in his self-interest to moderate his views in order to get re-elected.

So, while others may be listening for policy statements, I will be listening for personal statements. If President Obama can exhibit self and other awareness, I would have hope for his administration and the change that he promised. If not, I will be waiting for 2012 (as long as the movie of the same title is not correct). Right now, however, I have the same feeling about the Obama administration that I had about the movie Avatar. I feel like I have seen both before. I liked the less sleek version of Avatar better when it was called Dances with Wolves. To me, the Obama administration is just a sleeker version of the Carter administration. If he does not change, those of you who are not happy with the direction the country is going can hopefully take some solace in what my brother is fond of saying. “The country has survived many terrible presidents. We can survive President Obama.”

Next time, I will step down from my political soap box to discuss how you can do a yearly state of YOUR union (your marriage).

Christian Counseling - Happiness

What would you give if someone could explain what happiness is and how you could get it? Unfortunately, there is nothing that definitive, but a step in that direction comes from Richard Easterlin's writing*, which summarizes happiness research and posits some of his theories. If the above question and realistic answer caused you to be a little disappointed or unhappy, then this blog is for you.

Here are some highlights from his article:
(1) He says happiness is synonymous with welfare, life satisfaction and well-being.
(2) Life events negatively affecting happiness include: separation, divorce, serious physical disability, deteriorating health due to aging, and widowhood.
(3) Life events positively affecting happiness include: marriage and remarriage.
(4) An increase in income doesn't mean increased happiness (beyond, perhaps, an initial surge of happiness).

Those who are separated, divorced, seriously disabled, aging and widowed do adapt to their life situations to some varying degree, but these problems have a lasting and negative effect. About half of single people continue to believe that marriage will bring happiness because they relate it to being part of the "good life."

Those who are married or remarry are happier than those who are single and it's not due to the idea they were happier people to begin with. Further, over life, the happy/unhappy gap widens for those married and those unmarried, meaning after decades of marriage they are happier than those unmarried.

Likely, it is not surprising to most Christians that higher income doesn't correlate with increased happiness, at least beyond a certain point or for any significant length of time. Theoretically, it seems those who have more, want more. They aspire for more goods or more money in the bank thinking they lead to more comfort and, therefore, happiness. However, this is not true. Most people increase the size of their goals or aspire to acquire even more in a never-ending cyclical process. This recreates a gap between what one has and what one wants, thus leading to a feeling of perpetual longing, not satisfaction or happiness.

These thoughts and findings seem to support scripture--"...the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing" (Proverbs 1:8); "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am" (Philippians 4:11); and "(be) content with what you have" (Hebrews 13:5).

There is an apparent contradiction in some Christians who espouse a hierarchy of values with relationships being at the top--God first, spouse second, and family third--but they give much more of their time to work, career building and acquiring goods at the expense of their marriages, families, and spiritual development. Being content with one's goods and income could lead people to live out their stated values, turn their hearts toward home and allow for a happier disposition.

Other considerations for increasing happiness are: improving one's health (medical procedures, exercise, losing weight), learning to change what you can and accept what you can't, and resisting temptations to change or add to expectations and aspirations, which create longings that compromise satisfaction, well-being and happiness.


* Easterlin, Richard A. (2003). Explaining Happiness. Retrieved from www.pnas.org/content/100/19/11176.full?sid=0d540f-57be-44c7-9383-afd93331955a9

Christian Counseling - Are You A SAD Person?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a depression related problem with which most of us are somewhat familiar. It is also referred to as the "winter blues," as that is the most frequent season in which it occurs. In the latest version of the diagnostic manual for mental disorders it used as a "specifier" for Major Depression and Bipolar Disorders. Those who have one of the latter two types of depression may experience the onset and remission during specific times of the year, usually the fall and winter months, although there are some who experience it in the spring and summer.

The cause of SAD is not well known, but contemporary understanding is the symptoms occur due to reduced exposure to sunlight. This in turn can cause changes in the brain's production of chemicals, such as decreased serotonin (neurotransmitter) and increased melatonin (hormone produced by the pineal gland), both of which can cause depressive feelings. It may be that reduced light also interferes with our biological clock. Other symptoms include fatigue, lethargy, increased appetite, craving for carbohydrates and sweets, weight gain, anergy (absence of immune response to toxins or allergens), irritability, social withdrawal, hypersomnia and reduced concentration. SAD is more frequently found in women (60-90% of the cases).

Current treatments are antidepressant medication, psychotherapy and light therapy. Twenty years ago Daniel Kripke, MD, University of California began studies on light as a treatment for SAD. Subsequently, there have been several studies suggesting it can be an effective treatment. The light treatment necessary to be of help is a special light box that produces 10,000 lux (measure of light that is equal to 10 to 20 times that of ordinary indoor lighting) that requires being positioned 1 to 1.5 feet from the light for about 15-30 minutes daily. Usually within 3 to 5 days some benefit is achieved.

Diagnosis is not always easy, as there are many factors to consider, such as differentiating between the types of depression and assessing underlying medical issues. But if you suspect you have SAD, first contact your physician and request an exam. If the disorder is suspected or diagnosed, light therapy is the most cost effective and least invasive technique available. Psychotherapy or counseling can help confirm the diagnosis, treat thought patterns and behaviors that may be supporting depressive symptoms and teach coping strategies.

You may have tolerated this problem for years, but many research studies have linked untreated depression with serious physical disorders, such as coronary heart disease. In this situation, endurance is not a good attribute or a wise coping strategy. Get the help you need.

Christian Counseling - Necessary Conflict

Many couples avoid conflict like the plague. Why? Well, for many the word conflict itself has a negative connotation. Do a little free association yourself. When you think of the word conflict, what comes to mind? Words like yelling, anger, crying probably come to mind.

Yet, in healthy relationships, conflict is absolutely necessary. Conflict actually helps us to grow in relationships, both with God and with one another. Why does it seem so negative, and why do we avoid it so much? Say a couple has a fight (which is one form of conflict). They say horrible things to each other. They may even go days without speaking. They certainly do not resolve the issue that "started" the fight. Each person leaves with the same thought, "Man, that was ugly. I don't ever want to do that again." As a result, they attempt to let the little things go. They become annoyed with each other from time to time but do not discuss the issues. This builds up over time. Then, one day, something happens, and they start fighting. All the feelings that have been bottled up come to the surface. It goes badly. Afterward, they once again say to themselves, "Man, that was ugly. I don't ever want to do that again." They proceed down the same path of attempting to avoid the issues that come up between them until the next blow up.

What has happened is that the couple has made an inappropriate association. The couple is associating conflict with the terrible fighting that they experience. I would argue that it is not the conflict that is at fault. It is the avoidance of conflict that is a major factor in the explosion that occurs in the relationship. If they were able to handle issues as they come up, many couples would be able to resolve issues without resorting to childish name calling, screaming, etc.

The Bible states that we should not let the sun go down on our anger and that we should not keep a record of wrongs. The best way to do follow those instructions is to deal with problems when they come up, rather than avoiding them until they can no longer be avoided. Don't, in the words of Richard Dreyfuss to the Mayor of Amity in Jaws, "avoid this particular problem until it swims up and bites you on the ___ (word omitted)." Is there something that you are holding against your spouse today that you need to confront?

Christian Counseling - Haitian Tragedy or Punishment?

Yesterday, CNN and CBS News reported Christian leader, Pat Robertson (700 Club), as saying the Haitian people were being punished by God by the recent 7.2 earthquake that took the lives of an estimated 20,000 to 100,000 people from a nine million population. Robertson said the reason for the curse of God was due to a Haitian pact with the devil, who agreed to free them from French rule, if they served him. The Haitians gained their freedom in 1804.

What many of us are left with are questions and, if you believe Robertson, perhaps a negative or judgmental attitude toward these people in thinking they got what they deserved. Some of the questions are:

1. Do not all prophetic utterances (telling others about God's actions, beforehand or after) require a testing of the spirit?
2. Who exactly was responsible for and agreed to this pact?
2. Why would God and has He ever waited five generations to visit punishment on the great-great-great-grandchildren for the sins of those who made such a pact?
3. What is the impact of such interpretations on the world's view of God and conservative Christianity?

Admittedly, it's not always easy to discern whether or not people are right or wrong in their views of God's actions in the world, especially when we see scriptural evidence that could support those views. We know from the Bible that God punishes non-believers and chastises Christians for their sins. Robertson's understanding of God punishing evil in the world isn't in question, but his application must be scrutinized. Did God do this to the Haitians? This is similar to Robertson's belief that terrorism on American soil is related to our country's abortion of about 40 million fetuses. Do you also believe that?

People in Old Testament times knew victories, defeats, punishments and rewards came from God or gods--someone beyond just themselves. Today, it appears the majority of earth's people don't know or understand this. Discipline or punishment without understanding is useless; it can't accomplish its intended purpose--a change in behavior and heart. The only exception to this is the final future judgment of God where a person's change or reconciliation is not the goal. Therefore, what would be God's point in continuing this practice for people living on the earth?

Matthew 24:30 and Revelation 6:15,16 reveal the people of the earth will come to know that the tribulations during that time are related to Him. They will know because they will see "the sign of the Son of Man...in the sky." It is then they mourn and hide themselves from God, or, for some, turn to God. Subsequent chapters in Revelation explain the remaining seal, trumpets, woes and bowls of wrath are His punishments, which are unmistakable to earth's inhabitants. God wants those who suffer under His punishments or chastisements to have clear knowledge and understanding about what and why. Therefore, I can't give assent to Robertson's application of God's justice against the Haitian people by way of this devastating earthquake.

For those who are steadfast in a contrary belief, let's assume the earthquake was God's punishment, what would He do next? Would He abandon the people? Would He be without pity or compassion for them? Would God avoid remembering those He created, loved and with whom He wanted a relationship? We have ample scriptural references that express post-curse grace.

By definition, grace is not getting what we all deserve--life without God or hell, because we are all sinners. In Jeremiah Chapter 3, God divorces Israel, but continues to engage them by promising remarriage if they turn to Him. Genesis Chapters 8 and 9 tell the great and terrible story of the death of all life that draws breath (at least upon the land), Save Noah, his family and the ark's load of animals, birds and creeping things. This causes Him grief and He vows never to do again. In 9:15 it says the sign of the rainbow in the sky will lead Him to remember His covenant. But, the greatest example of post-curse grace is His sending Jesus to live among us and reconcile us with God.

Even if the earthquake was God's curse on the people, He will not turn away forever from a people in severe need, and neither should we. This is a time for our Christian witness to shine like the noonday sun. It is a time to help in whatever ways we personally determine--prayers or a gift of words, time or money. Should you be inclined by God, you can visit the following watchdog site and choose a Christian organization that can direct your resources appopriately:

http://www.ministrywatch.com/pdf/2009shininglightministries.pdf

Christian Counseling - Taking Time to Relax

As I write this, I am sitting in sunny, warm, Florida. Well, it is sunny and Florida, so I guess two out of three isn't bad. I came on this vacation with a plan (as i often do). I brought books that I wanted to read and thought of things that I wanted to see and do. How much have I done that was on my list? Some, but, certainly, not all. Am I ok with the change in plans? The answer is a certain yes.

It is always interesting to me that as I make my plans, I do not plan for the most satisfying parts of a vacation. For me, these include: lingering over a wonderful dinner, sharing new and old stories while staying up late, laughing with the people I love the most, and sharing new memories with my wife and children. In the end it won't much matter what I did on vacation. What will matter is who was with me on vacation.

Isn't that how it always is for many of us? We spend most of our time thinking about projects rather than people. Yet, the significant relationships we have breathe life into us and often give meaning to our lives. Many of you are in the same place in this life as me with parents getting older and caring for and enjoying young children. Remember, this time will never come our way again. Yes, there are problems that we are dealing with in our country, our church, and our careers. Ten years from now, we will likely still have issues that we will be dealing with, for that is the stuff of life. Not that we should ignore the issues as insignificant. However, we need to enjoy and invest in the people in our lives with the same vigor we invest in dealing with life's issues. As Burt Lancaster said in Field of Dreams, "We don't recognize the most significant events in our lives until they've passed." Ask God for eyes to recognize the significant relationships in your life today, and then seek to be deliberate in enjoying them.

Which, by the way, is what I plan to do right now...

Christian Counseling - Antidepressant Medication and Sexual Dysfunction

An ABC News article (August 4, 2009) reported nearly 10% of the U.S. population, about 27 million people, were taking antidepressant medication in 2005. From other reports we find these meds are used to treat a variety of ills including pain, anxiety and sleep disorders. Among possible medication side effects is the decrease in sexual desire and performance.


A Harvard Mental Health Letter article entitled, "Dealing with sexual side effects" (May, 2008) stated that up to 50% of people suffer with sexual dysfunction as the result of depression. SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors--most prescribed class of antidepressants) can help with depression, but also affect sexual function--delay or prevention of orgasm (30-40%), decreased libido (20%) and erectile dysfunction (10%).

Here are some things a person on antidepressant medication can do to increase sexual function:

1. Although 80% of people seek help for depression from non-psychiatric MDs, don't be one of them. It's not their expertise, and it's well known that general practitioners tend to undermedicate when it comes to psychotropic medication (antidepressant and antianxiety).
2. Stay the course. Side effects of new medications can decrease or be nonexistent after a few weeks.
3. Reduce the amount of prescribed medication. Talk with your doctor about this first.
4. Try other antidepressants. There are other medications that have less or no affect on sexual function, such as Wellbutrin, Remeron or Cymbalta.
5. Continue sexual activity on a regular basis. If the activity creates strong negative feelings and thoughts this may not be a good idea. However, if a person can, at least temporarily, accept the reality of his or her decrease in sexual desire or function, then this is an idea worth considering. The saying, "Lose it or loose it" is often true when it comes to sexuality.
6. Talk with God about your sexual life. He won't be embarrassed by this and hopefully you won't either. Be absolutely open in the details and language with Him. If you can find comfort and peace with Him through honest prayer, it will reduce your anxiety, which inhibits desire and performance.
7. Seek psychological help. The treatment of choice for moderate to severe depression remains to be combined medication management and talk therapy. Further, it remains true that the organ most responsible for good sexual function is the brain. Sexuality is not just about sex. It is also about any object or issue that an individual has connected to sex, such as: power, anger, anxiety or loneliness.

Please consider leaving an anonymous post with any info that has been of benefit to you about this issue.

Christian Counseling - Finger Pointing As A Failed Marital Bridge of Connection

Bridges are constructed to connect two separate things or people, which makes traveling between them possible. Marriage is the bridge that connects a husband and wife. Couples expect they will be able to freely travel to and from one another according to each others' needs and guidelines. But, when these are not well understood or followed, one or both will feel too disconnected, which will give way to loneliness, insecurity and feeling unloved. If the disconnection is traumatic (an affair) and/or extended over a long period of time, the marital bridge can collapse.


Before a marriage collapses one or both partners will have analyzed the reasons for disconnection and attempted to resolve them. A frequent, but sure to collapse bridge rebuilding or reconnection effort is pointing out flaws in their partner's thoughts, feelings and behavior. Once one spouse begins down this hazardous road, the other often feel compelled to do likewise.


Think about this, rebuilding through finger pointing. Doesn't that sound like an oxymoron, like foolishness? Does finger pointing ever build a relational bridge between people? Isn't it much more likely to result in reduced support and collapse? This approach and its predictable end is as tragic as it is avoidable. The kicker to finger pointing is that often short-sighted fault finders fail to see faults in themselves. Some who do see their own faults won't acknowledge it to their partner. The result is both feel a sense of being completely blamed for all the conflicts. To avoid the unhappiness of disconnection and the destruction of the relationship, a different approach is necessary.

If one partner refuses to accept responsibility for his or her actions, the remaining partner must resist the temptation to become like the weaker one and follow suit. That partner also needs to continue doing what is right by owning and working on his or her faults. Further, it is right to expect the other to do the same. The problem is some people deny responsibility or use the confessed fault of the other against them.

These latter behaviors require firm boundaries that can help protect the goodness of the relationship from being eaten away. For example, a spouse may say she refuses to discuss any problem unless both people first point the finger at themselves and express a willingness to correct their negative contribution. For this to work, both people need to be fairly reasonable. When one is not reasonable a couples resolution may require experienced help, especially if he or she also chronically avoids responsibility and is generally given to projecting or shifting blame to others. These poor behaviors are indications of a more serious problem, that of an enduring personality disturbance, which is unlikely to be remedied solely by a marital partner.

These and other techniques are part of a useful plan that can serve as a blueprint on how to rebuild a marital bridge of connection where trust, safety, fairness and caring can once again freely flow.

Christian Counseling - An Unforgiving Society?

Often, the American people are described as a "forgiving" people. We like to give people second chances. While there is some truth to that claim, I have been astounded by the overall lack of forgiveness in our society at large. I am a bit of a political junkie. I listen to talk radio. I watch political talk shows (I even tivo them). I have become very concerned about the direction our country is headed. In fact, I am writing this blog from my shelter which is in an undisclosed location.

While there are many concerns I have politically, I have become increasingly concerned about the level of discourse we have in our society. We seem to be living in the age of "talking heads". I wish I was referring to the David Byrne, gigantic suit, Talking Heads of the 80s. Instead, what we are subjected to in our society are people who come into our living rooms shouting at one another. No one on these shows subscribes to the old saying that we have been given two ears and one mouth and should use them proportionately. Instead, the people on these shows seem not to listen to the other person at all.

There is one exception. Each person does seem to listen for one slip of the tongue. When they find one, they pounce. The person who slips is not allowed to revise their remarks. Instead, they are vilified. The most recent example of this is Janet Napolitano, the head of Homeland Security. After the "underwear bomber" was thwarted, she now famously said that the system had worked. Of course she was wrong. Immediately, calls came for President Obama to fire her. While I am no fan of Napolitano, does this knee-jerk response seem wise in our "forgiving" society?

Several years ago, then President Bush was asked to name some mistakes that he had made during his time in office. He fumbled for an answer, and, in the end, did not answer the question. Are we to believe that he did not think that he had made any mistakes? Of course not. He simply realized that had he admitted to any mistakes, those statements would have made headlines around the world and been used against him. This is called "gotcha" journalism.

How does this impact our communities? Well, I have seen many couples in therapy act as if they are "talking heads". They seem not to listen to one another. They do not allow for the possibility that the other may have made a mistake or simply misspoken. They take one statement out of context and hold it over the other's head. As they argue about who said what two weeks ago and what they meant by it, I find myself asking them to stop and tell me what they think and feel about the issue today... right now.

Instead of taking one statement and holding it against your spouse, your child, etc., allow them the space to communicate more fully what they intended to say. We all misspeak. Give your spouse the same benefit of the doubt that you would want them to give you. Don't engage in a "gotcha" marriage.

In our country, our community, and our families, we are dealing with serious issues. These issues need to be dealt with seriously and soberly if we are to have any hope for our future.

Christian Counseling - It Takes Two, But One Will Do

If "It takes two to tango," it would seem reasonable that it takes two to save a marriage. Ultimately that is true, but one must understand there is a timetable for change. There are many things one person can do to make a difference.


It is unfortunate that numerous people don't get help for their seriously troubled marriage because they believe no one can help if only one partner cares or is willing to change. In the short run this is false thinking. It is incumbent on the caring partner who sees a problem(s) to do whatever he or she reasonably can to change the direction of the relationship, and that beyond what the individual can envision alone. That person needs understanding and ideas from friends, family and those experienced in helping couples.


Individual counseling (one person) can bring about significant martial change, if it is strategically-based. This means one person enters treatment to learn about himself or herself, the other partner, underlying or unseen problems that influence the marriage, and how to develop ideas that lead to marital change. In my experience, about 80% of uninvolved partners are willing to enter counseling after his or her partner starts. One reason for the reluctant partners' willingness is their awareness of their partner's seriousness due to having entered counseling. Another is they see changes in their partner as the result of counseling.

One aspect of the counseling process is learning and applying the art of unconditional love. This love is not a weak, passive love, but one that decisively and caringly asserts relational boundaries. For example, the tough love partner protects his or her good feelings for the marriage by refusing to participate in any thing that undermines those feelings, such as the other's unrelenting accusations or an unwillingness to admit contributing to the problems. In those cases, the loving partner immediately ends any inappropriate criticizing talks by walking away, while waiting as long as it takes for an apology. This means no other discussions are to take place until the apology is made, save an emergency. Eventually, the couple will begin a conversation about apologizing, providing the reluctant partner wants to preserve the marriage.

Even if the partner wants to end the relationship, there may still be hope. If you have not see the Christian-based movie "Fireproof" starring Kirk Cameron and Erin Bethea, I suggest you rent it or buy it. If you did see it, you know from the movie's storyline that one person can begin to turn a marriage around. And we know from scripture that nothing is impossible with God when we commit our ways to Him.