Christian Counseling: Forgiveness: What Does God Really Say About It?

"God won't forgive me, if I don't always forgive others. Besides, I need to forgive so I can be released from anger." I have repeatedly heard these words from so many Christians, whether in person, in print or in a sermon. Only once have I heard that forgiveness is not absolutely unconditional, and that was from author Gary Chapman in a radio interview with Focus on the Family. It is also fairly briefly mentioned in his book The Five Languages of Apology. I have not heard the same from anyone since.

I have never believed in absolute unconditional forgiveness, nor have I found such in the Bible. Though I admit it sounds so wonderful, I wanted to believe it. And there is a sense of it in that Jesus unconditionally died for our sins, but forgiveness must be appropriated to the individual. What I have found is numerous believers locked into a common pattern of repeatedly forgiving an offender, due to resurfacing and unresolved emotions, such as: strong grief, anger and the sense of injustice. They tell themselves if they truly forgave they shouldn't reexperience negative feelings or thoughts. I agree, true forgiveness emotionally releases one to care for the welfare of the offender. Yet the unwanted feelings keep coming back. The reason they state is that they are human and the right thing to do is forgive again.

Very, very rarely do I find anyone willing to question if that theological belief is correct (truly Scripturally-based and the clear and only intention of God) or responsible for the emotion impasse and conflict of repeated forgivers of the same offense. Only rarely have I found others who deeply research the subject beyond a book or article or two.

There are numerous Bible references regarding forgiveness, which I cannot fully cover here, but I will review a few of the ones that raise questions about the existence of absolute unconditional forgiveness (AUF) (meaning everyone should always forgive every offense, regardless of whether the offender confessed and repented or not):

1. (Deuteronomy 29:20) ‘“The Lord shall never be willing to forgive him... and the Lord will blot out his name from under heaven.”’

2.  (Psalm 109)  It is too long to record here, but the essence is that David does not forgive a friend who turned against him. Instead, he prays for God's vengeance without being remorseful for his attitude or prayer, nor does God challenge him in that regard.

3.  (Jeremiah 18:23) “Yet You, O Lord, know all their deadly designs against me; do not forgive their iniquity or blot out their sin from Your sight.” Jeremiah goes on to ask for specifics regarding their punishment. There is no forgiveness from him or God and He fulfilled the prophet's prayer of vengeance in full, as recorded in subsequent chapters.


 4.  (Matthew 6:15) "'But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.'" This is most frequently used to support AUF. What is often missed by readers is that God is modeling the withholding of forgiveness, proving here God's forgiveness is conditional. It is understood to mean, He refuses to forgive those who have no heart for forgiveness. Why would He ask us to AUF if He doesn't?

5.   (Matthew 12:31) "'but blasphemy against the Holy Spirit shall not be forgiven.'" Some wrongly say this refers to rejection of salvation, but the words are clear in the Greek and English--don't attribute evil to the Holy Spirit who is good, i.e., by calling Him a devil.

6.   (Matthew 18:15-17) ‘“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”’ Where is AUF?


7.  (Luke 17:3,4) ‘“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”’ This is the essence of God's intended process for forgiveness. We always get ready to forgive another's offense, but grant it only when an offender confesses and repents. Otherwise, his sin remains. Is this not what is required of all who come to Jesus for salvation, first, confess one's sins and second, turn away from continuing them? Is anyone forgiven or saved without confession and repentance? Why wouldn't God simply give AUF?

8.  (Revelation 6:10) "'How long, O Lord, holy and true, will You refrain from judging and avenging our blood on those who dwell on the earth?'" The question come from saints, who could be you and I, who were killed during the great tribulation (7:13,14) and stand in heaven before Jesus and the Father and eagerly ask for vengeance. Again, where is AUF? God doesn't expect it from the saints, nor does He give it Himself without confession and repentance!

There are many more Biblical references, points and questions that can be raised. Such as, if one righteously withholds forgiveness, how does he or she then manage grief and anger without it being harmful? The answer to this and other questions is offered in a more detailed article on forgiveness that can be found in our Shop on the cccrd.com website entitled, Theologies That Wound:  A Study of Biblical Forgiveness (25 pages).

Christian Counseling: Knowing God

Richard Cecil, an Anglican clergyman in the 1700's and 1800's, aptly said, "The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant." I would add, "and that we remain more ignorant than knowledgeable throughout our lives, despite whatever knowledge we have acquired."  The wisest man on earth, besides Jesus (who was also God), was Solomon who admitted to his own limitations in Ecclesiastes 7:23-24: "I tested all this with wisdom, and I said, 'I will be wise,' but it was far from me. What has been is remote and exceedingly mysterious. Who can discover it?" This is true not only of wisdom, but any body of knowledge including knowing the Person of God.

Paul Tillich, a twentieth century theologian and philosopher, penned the phrase, "God beyond God." This presents to us the idea that whatever image we have conceived or developed about the Person of God, there is more, far more, infinitely more. After all, God is infinite and no one can grasp infinity but God Himself. The far greater number of His thoughts, judgments and behaviors are beyond us. One of understanding will eventually come to admit we humans all live a life largely in ignorance of who God is. What we largely know of Him is contained in the limited, approximately 1600 pages of Biblical revelation, which is coupled with our interpretation, imagination and wish.

The ultimate reality of God or the correct image of Him will not be understood this side of heaven, and I wonder if we will ever fully and completely know Him. I wonder if the angels have discovered and experienced new thoughts, emotions and understandings about God as the result of their observing His creating and interacting with human beings. I image that to be the case. I image that in the timeless world of heaven, God will forever be revealing Himself. I image that the wonderful and exciting path of searching out the Person of God will forever remain part of His amazing glory (Proverbs 25:2).

How do we discover who God is? Of course we study the Bible, in depth. We dialogue with God--we speak, He listens and He speaks, we listen (prayer). He lives in Christians, therefore, through one another's behavior, attitude and words we can often see God. We discover Him in nature and all His creation as Romans chapter one tells us. We discover Him by raising unending, hard, unusual and perhaps scary questions and seeking to answer them as best we can. We use our minds and imaginations to piece together disparate events and decisions of God to formulate an impression of His character and learn as we attempt to forecast some future events or actions of God. You can also ponder the process you went through in getting to know someone special and how they got to know you and then apply it your relationship with God. Finally, let the Holy Spirit lead you into all truth. Ultimately, your God beyond God or image of Him will be unique, different than anyone else. Collectively, our images, if we could blend them, would be closer to the true Person of God, so do not be quick to dismiss other's images, but first get to know and consider them.

If ever you find yourself thinking something like, I know the vast majority of things about the Person of God, know that you can add to your self-understanding, the capacity to be self-deceived. There exists a world, no an ending universe of truth about the nature and Person of God. See what you can find. In so doing you will likely find your relationship with Him energized by having a deeper connection to Him, greater trust and faith in His unfailing goodness toward you, an unbreakable emotional bond and a calm and peace that passes understanding.

Christian Counseling: One View Of A Man's Heart

The poet, Don Blanding, wrote these revealing words of a man's struggle with two selves at war with each other. This man in the poem is led by his flesh and not the Spirit, yet it helps us understand what many men battle within themselves and yields insights about how to talk to them about the alternative of Christ who can help calm the two spirits. 




How very simple life would be
If only there were two of me
A Restless Me to drift and roam
A Quiet Me to stay at home.
A Searching One to find his fill
Of varied skies and new found thrill
While sane and homely things are done
By the domestic Other One.

And that's just where the trouble lies;
There is a Restless Me that cries
For chancy risks and changing scene,
For arctic blue and tropic green,
For deserts with their mystic spell,
For lusty fun and raising Hell,

But shackled to that Restless Me
My Other Self rebelliously
Resists the frantic urge to move.
It seeks the old familiar groove
That habits make. It finds content
With hearth and home — dear prisonment,
With candlelight and well-loved books
And treasured loot in dusty nooks,

With puttering and garden things
And dreaming while a cricket sings
And all the while the Restless One
Insists on more exciting fun,
It wants to go with every tide,
No matter where…just for the ride.
Like yowling cats the two selves brawl
Until I have no peace at all.

One eye turns to the forward track,
The other eye looks sadly back.
I'm getting wall-eyed from the strain,
(It's tough to have an idle brain)
But One says "Stay" and One says "Go"
And One says "Yes," and One says "No,"
And One Self wants a home and wife
And One Self craves the drifter's life.

The Restless Fellow always wins
I wish my folks had made me twins.




Some questions to ponder:


What do you think and feel after reading the poem?


Do some women feel similarly? If so, how is it different than men?


What is it that men really desire underneath the obvious (inner peace and enjoyment of life)?  Below the surface of restlessness could be such things as the desire or need for adventure, exploration, knowledge, security or connection with God.


In what ways do you struggle with two or more selves opposed to each other? This is something with which we all have difficulty and it is often spoke of as a war between flesh and spirit, yet there is more. Psychologically we all have a few divisions of personality, such as the outgoing me and the reserved me, or the happy, carefree one and the more melancholy one, the ideal and the real, etc.  

Christian Counseling: Don't Worry, Be Happy

In 1988, Bobby McFerrin released this catchy song, having a simple, clear and encouraging message--"Don't Worry, Be Happy." It ends with, "Don't worry, it will soon pass whatever it is. Don't worry, be happy. I'm not worried." All of us wish for a guarantee that no matter what bad things come our way they would pass and always leave the door of happiness wide open and us with a smiley face. In some Christian circles, there are those that posit those kinds of thoughts in a spirit of a guarantee. 


I am referring to unfounded, romantic-sounding statements like: we, as Christians, should always be happy because we are so blessed, or we should never be lonely because we know God and He lives within us, or we don't need to be angry, fearful, insecure, anxious, etc. because Jesus gives us His peace and God is in control, and, lastly, God is in control, so anything that happens is His will. (I'll support my criticism in a moment.)


The truth is we Christians have very much to be happy about (the comforting presence of God, guidance of the Holy Spirit, a hope of a sure future in heaven, forgiveness, grace, the Bible, mercy, and the list could go on and on). But it is another matter to suggest or imply we should only be happy and avoid life's problems and troubles by conjuring up simplistic nonsense that ultimately leads to injury and unresolvable conflict. I write these things because any untruth wounds, leads people astray and opens one up to the possibility of a spiritual crisis of faith, i.e., through disappointment. False beliefs, even ones that make us temporarily feel better, are like quicksand in that they steal the life from us and have the ability to do the same to others who are in earshot of those tempting proclamations. 


Consider the numerous distortions of biblical truth that must precede the belief in those unfounded, romantic-sounding statements: 
1.  All of creation groans (Romans 8:22,23).
2.  The promises and blessings of God do make life easier and happier, but they are not meant to be the absolute antidote to troubled feelings and painful trials.
3.  If we should never be lonely because we have a relationship with God, why did God say to Adam it was not good for him to be alone (Genesis 2:18)? Adam walked with God! The truth is this world is not our home, we are strangers and sojourners on this earth (1 Peter 2:11). Heaven is our only home. Therefore, loneliness is a part of life for all of us.
4. Some like to think Jesus was always cool, calm and collected; that nothing ruffled his feathers. Those people also think if we have God in our lives that nothing should really bother us and if it does, it is only an issue of too little faith or immaturity. Do they forget Jesus was a suffering servant who stormed the temple with a whip, asked how long He had to put up with the disciples, was deeply troubled by the spiritually destructive Pharisees and anxious in the Garden before His arrest (hematidrosis- sweating blood due to severe mental stress)? How about Paul who revealed his fears? Do they forget the Holy Spirit grieves (in the Greek, has pain)? Having perfect peace and love does not mean we don't suffer, sometimes significantly, from anger, fear and other inner turmoil. 
5. If God is in control of everything and nothing happens outside His will, why does Ephesians 4:30 say, "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God"? According to the belief, we must see this verse as supporting a troubling thought, that God grieves Himself. Also, we know God is not the author of sin. Sin is never what He wants in this world. It only happens contrary to His will. He is sovereign, but not in control of everything, such as our freewill.


The thought, "Don't worry, be happy," can encourage us to look at the positives in life, especially during difficult times, but as an absolute, it only works in the world where the heavens and earth are restored and God does away with pain (Revelation 22:1-4). The latter is a truth you can depend on. It gives me a smiley face.

Christian Counseling: A New Look At Taking The Lord's Name in Vain

Is there anyone in America who is not somewhat familiar with the ten commandments? I suppose such a person would be hard to find. Exodus 20 reveals those commands, the third of which says, "'You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.'"


The common application is that we don't curse saying G.. D... or use use His name--God or Jesus or Jesus Christ--to express angry or negative emotions or even to express surprise ("O my God!"). To some the latter may seem innocent, but if you understand what is behind why God included this commandment in the Ten, it won't seem innocent anymore. Further, there is another application of misuse or vanity in using the name of Jesus worth great consideration. But before I speak about that take a quick look at the Hebrew understanding of the command.

In the Hebrew, the word "take" means to lift up, magnify or extol, which is a sign of respect for something or someone important and special. The word "name" refers to one's fame, honor and character. And "vain" means to use something in a destructive, useless or deceptive way. Said differently, we are not to uselessly, destructively or deceptively magnify any name or the fame or character of the supreme God of the universe.

There are quite a few occasions when I hear Christians using His name in vain in a way they think and often the hearers think is honoring Him. For example, is it not an issue of misuse, vanity, uselessness or deception when people say things like: "Jesus is the answer to every question and every problem...Only Jesus can heal...Jesus is all we need" or saying, "God bless you" to one in need and where no action is taken on behalf of that individual? Let's get realistic. The individual and his or her thought processes, beliefs and faith are interactive with the work of God. It is most often Jesus and our faith, for example. That's why Jesus couldn't do many miracles in His own hometown. Also, people find some healing in secular counseling and medicine and Jesus isn't going to solve my garbage disposal problem. Almost never does God go against the laws of nature and never against true knowledge, but encourages our getting understanding and wisdom. He expects us to participate in life and our future by cultivating these because they help us know what we are responsible for and how to handle situations that can add years to our lives, as Proverbs tells us. Again, it is most often Jesus and us. That is honest and not a deceptive and romantic portrayal of God who does everything and is the answer for everything. In my opinion, this does not diminish the power or glory of God, but adds to our understanding of our place and the part He expects us to take in the world.

I'll use my name to demonstrate the effect of misusing some one's name in a positive way and a negative way. You can replace it with your own name or the name of a loved one to see how it might feel. If every time a person was angry, hurt, afraid, etc., they said derogatorily, "Oh, Frank Mancuso." If you didn't know me, what would you associate with my name? Something negative at least and you would likely develop an insensitivity to my name. In other words, it wouldn't mean much to you over time. It would lose it's intended good feel and it's usefulness.This is what happens when we misuse His name in whatever form it takes. We make His name common, thereby reducing it's effect and power in the hearers. It's a matter of impugning one's reputation by association. In time, associating a "good name" with a negative emotion separates the "good" from the "name".

On the other hand, if people go about telling others I, as a counselor, am the answer to every one's problemed personality or marriage, that I perform miracles in counseling and there is absolutely no one better, what will those false and deceptive statements do to my clients in the end? I love Coke, but there is only one "real thing"--the truth. Either way, if my name is used in the spirit of a fairy tale or derogatorily, it would hurt me and the hearers of such.

There are further consequences of misusing God's name through overstating the work or fame of God. Non-Christians, as well as Christians, experience disappointment, disillusionment, broken trust and sometimes a crisis of faith when God doesn't live up to the romantic claims of who people say He is or what He does. It tarnishes His name, makes Him appear unreliable and unloving and, overall, gives Him a bad rap.

Consider this quote from Benjamin Disraeli who was an 1800's British Prime Minister, "Favor or disappointment has been often conceded, as the name of the claimant has affected us; and the accidental affinity or coincidence of a name, connected with ridicule or hatred, with pleasure or disgust, has operated like magic."

We all would do well to be cautious about when and how we use the sacred names of God. Anyone who cares about himself or herself will do whatever is necessary to protect their good name, so is God by His command.

What do you think?

Christian Counseling: A Spiritual Time Out for Adults

When you hear the words "time out" you may think about a child who needs to calm down and/or be disciplined. It is good to take a child out of the usual activities and sit him or her down in a chair to learn about quiet and be alone with his or her thoughts. Though adults on occasion need a time out when their emotions run high, this writing is not about that. It is about adults' need to cease from life as usual, which could easily include Sundays when the activities of daily life go on (chores and church). I can imagine some readers saying, "Uhuh, I don't have enough time to do all I am supposed to, let alone take some me time." This blog is especially for you.

It is so very easy to get caught up in the demands of necessary activities that we lose ourselves and abandon our priorities to task-oriented living. Perhaps we should reframe that and say task-oriented "bondage" because that is not living. Toil has a slow and sneaky way of tempting us and grabbing hold of us, while our adrenaline pushes us to do more and more until we are surprised by the quick passage of years and the reality of being trapped, like Marley and Scrooge in the Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol.

In the story, Marley had already died. But in a vision Scrooge saw Marley carrying the chains that he bore in life--caring for the have to's of business and not attending to the real business of caring for people. However, Scrooge was given a time out. He had the opportunity of changing his ways by visiting Christmas past, present and future. He saw the way his life started out and how he intended it to be. He was also given understanding about the realities of life in the here and now (the suffering of Tiny Tim and family). But it wasn't until he saw his own gravestone that his heart gave way to dying to his old ways, while begging for a chance to change his future. This he did by taking one step at a time in a different direction in the present--the only thing he truly possessed. His time out gave him an opportunity to reconsider whether or not he wanted to continue life as usual.

Like some of the O.T. prophets who were called into the wilderness, Jesus who withdrew to the mountains and Paul who returned to tent making, they had their time outs. What would God say to you if you took just one time out? Would you feel sad about some past dreams that never materialized? Would you be filled with insight about the realities of your present life? Would you want to change your future? Are you living the way you want? Are you living the way He wants? This is what He wants for you--"'Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light'" (Matthew 11:28-30).

Christian Counseling: Fears That Overtake Us

If there is any single word that so corrupts a person other than "sin," it is fear. Fear, as any other feeling, is not a sin, but the decisions we make about handling our fear can be. Too often people fear what others think and what they will do, so they choose not to stand up for what they believe, become silent in their witnesses for Him, and permit others to be harmed, like a child at the hand of an inappropriate parent. Consequently, many will feel some guilt and even direct some anger at themselves for not following their conscience in doing the right thing. But key to these and many other situations is the awesome power and control fear has over people.

I have seen many male and female clients who faint under another's assumed possession of kryptonite, be it their spouse, boss, parent or other authority figure. They want to act in strength and may even fantasize about having superhuman strength when confronting others in their minds, but are weak in the presence of another's felt massive power. The majority of people, especially women, don't want to hurt another person at any cost, so they keep the peace by silently withdrawing and allow the worms of hurt and anger to eat at them, while the tentacles of fear wrap themselves around their tongues, take freedom from their spirits, confidence from their esteem, and joy from their lives. They all know there is something quite wrong about it all, but fear has its way by confusing the mind and numbing the heart, until it becomes a way of life and imprisons.

Overcoming fear is no easy task, but truth, love and relationships, righteousness, and dying to this world are helps of great measure. Truth clarifies, such as lording one's power over another is contrary to Jesus' words. Instead, we are to be servants and mutually submissive to all (Mark 10:42,43; Ephesians 5:21). The love of God and others helps extinguish fear and supports us in cultivating new attitudes and behaviors (I John 4:18). We find power in a righteous purpose that gives us the courage to take some heat, like Jesus suffering for us. And when we are accustomed to dying daily to this life, fear loses its control because if we are not afraid of dying we've mastered the biggest fear of all (I Corinthians 15:31).

In the end, one must be "exposed" to the fear that mercilessly grips them. Bit by bit and experience by experience, through exposure kryptonite loses its power, insights about what underlies fear leads the way to new possibilities and freedom reigns. That is His wish for us all and to that end He is working, every day. Do you know in what ways He is at work in helping you overcome fear? Lastly, team up with two other people who can offer you encouragement and lend their strength until fear submits to you.

Christian Counseling: How Important is Illegal Immigration To The Average Citizen?

This writing was prompted by Fox News commentary and an August 29, 2011 article by Edwin Mora of CNSNews who reported Labor Secretary, Hilda Soles, signed an agreement with Mexico, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic and El Salvador giving all immigrants in the U.S. protection from labor abuses. She fully supports legals' and illegals' rights and benefits under that agreement and commented that illegals need not fear reporting employer abuse because they will not be deported.    

The moment the word "illegal," as in illegal immigration, is used it should rightfully stir all to ask questions, especially Christians because it is not just a legal issue, but a moral issue with consequences that run deep for everyone.

Illegal immigration is a touchy topic, subject to many different "politically correct" views, abuses on all sides and extremely relevant for every American citizen. The idea and reasonable practice of immigration brings me joy (my father and about 20 other family members migrated to the US in the early 1900's), giving them, and eventually me, opportunities that did not exist in Italy. On the other hand, illegal immigration, though I care about the plight of refugees and those struggling to eek out an existence elsewhere, brings indignation when I compare them to those who respect our good laws and patiently wade through the citizen application process. Finally, I distrust people in government who violate their pledge--to uphold the laws of the land, such as those relative to illegal immigration.

If people did not have a sin nature, all countries could have an open border policy, perhaps there would not even be any countries, but only one world, one land for all. However, with the presence of evil, no country can permit an open border, whether in law or practice without dire consequences, especially when that country is wealthy and rich in opportunities like America. Of the many consequences of this current administration's practice of implying American's borders are open, here are two of them that concern us all. The first is the freedom of terrorists to cross our borders. I have no doubt those illegal crossings have happened many times in the last several years and even more since 2009 since Obama took office. I believe a good number acts of terrorism will be committed in our country in the coming years, but when it becomes known they were done by illegals, there is going to be an outrage from our citizens that is directed more at our own government than those conspiring terrorist states for allowing politics and so called political correctness to supersede the protection of Americans.

The second concern about the practice of implying we have open boarders is the erosion of values, morals, role models and trust of the American people, as well as the world, toward authority. This may be subtle or it may be obvious to readers, but when authority figures disregard laws, put their own political agenda ahead of the will of the people they swore to serve and act corruptly with impunity it greatly impacts the citizenry. To put it another way, our society has been showing signs of collapse--people who are becoming more suspicious, uncaring, lacking personal boundaries, corrupt, disunited, immoral, angry and hateful, disloyal, ungrateful and lovers of self. If those descriptors sound familiar, many of them are also contained in 2 Timothy 3:1-4 regarding the end of days. This is how cultures and countries fall from within, from moral decay.

Illegal immigration is an important issue even though it is only one of many sensitive issues in our country. Its importance is also recognized in that it not only affects immigrants, but every American citizen in very specific ways--financially (we pay for the increased work required of the Department of Labor to uphold its regulations and agreements), morally (giving all illegal aliens a pass from the law, tempts us to violate laws expecting a similar pass--entitlement), and psychologically (anxiety over the deterioration of our society, as well as the insecurity of our country's future--affecting the business world, unemployment and investments).

It is my hope that all Americans see the personal relevance in every issue that faces our nation, and then asks themselves, "What am I willing to do to help protect me and my loved ones' future, as well as America's future?" The first step is to be informed.

Christian Counseling - Boundaries of Giving

On our Facebook page (Christian Counseling & Relationship Development, The Center for) I post "A DAILY SLICE OF LIFE." Today's quote and comment is about giving as an antidote to coveting. There are many, many good things that can be said about giving. But, of necessity, we all should ask, "Can giving ever be the wrong?"

Certainly, you will find little to nothing written or spoken about the cons of giving, be it time, talent or material goods. After all, we are told to freely give because we have freely received. We are to give to him who asks and not refuse a borrower. Scripture glorifies the widow's mite, giving all she had. In Acts, we find the early church shared all their goods with each other. And Jesus gave to and encouaged giving to the poor. He even gave the ultimate, His life, for our reconciliation with God. How could anyone ever discourage giving or charge a giver with guilt? It appears giving is always in season in every situation, and, if our feelings are uncooperative, we are pelted with criticisms of being selfish.

But that is not the end of the story. Consider just a few verses and views:

1. "Do not give what is holy to dogs" or "throw your pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6).
2. Jesus did not often give the plain truth, but spoke in parables. He said to his disciples that the knowledge of the mystery of the kingdom of heaven was granted to them, but not to others (Mark 4:11,12).
3. "...if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either" (2 Thessalonians 3:10). We don't give food (or money or anything) to just anyone because he or she does not have it.
4. God does not give us everything we ask for, unless it is according to His will (Mark 6:23). In like fashion, we do not give just anything to anyone who asks.
5. Do we not use discernment in giving? Do we not validate the integrity of a person and his or her need before giving? In tithing, do we not first check out the credibility of a Christian organization (i.e., ministrywatch.com) and insist that a high percentage (about 80%) of every donation go directly to the needy?

Life is complex and so is every situation, even the act of giving. God expects us to be thinkers, to ask questions, seek the deeper truth and not settle for the ease of simplicity.







 

Christian Counseling - So Little Time, So Much To Do!

Who hasn't wished for more time in the day or a week? If we, like the Beatles, had "Eight Days A Week" and if we, like them, could spent it on a "want to" like love or something pleasurable instead of a "have to" like a chore, perhaps we would all wholeheartedly agree with the catchy clothier saying, "Life is good."

However, we know the problem is not time, but rather things like: management of time, high expectations,  perfectionism, a hurry up driver, fear of making mistakes, having too many interests, faulty beliefs, difficulty making decisions, attention deficit, expressing and maintaining personal boundaries, and not planning, setting goals, asserting and delegating. Generally, one of the main problems is not saying "No!" to a request for one's time. Saying "Yes!" prevents a person from feeling guilty and self-imposing a negative evaluation of being selfish. Saying "Yes!" often enough leads some into a life of resignation or giving in in order to please others at one's own expense. Eventually, many people get stuck in these conflicted thoughts and feelings, which take on a life of their own.

Some attempt to solve the problem by taking a cognitive or intellectual approach by signing up for a time management course. Though this can be helpful and should be looked at as one of many things needed to be addressed, by itself it will likely fail many because it doesn't sufficiently consider and remedy the emotional side of the problem. Gaining self-understanding and seeking knowledge and wisdom through prayer and the help of others is necessary to quiet the frustration of so little time, so much to do. Ironically, in spite of all the world's inventiveness, time has become more precious than ever and, I predict, the sense of not having enough of it will only get worse in the future. Therefore, the time to act is now.

Christian Counseling - Making Your Vacation Last

Most people who go on vacation can attest to its health benefits, such as: feeling more relaxed, happier, less anxious, more at peace, and more tired (coming down from the adrenaline rush of everyday life) and/or more energized. One of the great treasures of time off is time together, with those you love. Bonding without many of the usual distractions of everyday duties fills one's emotional tank. These wonderful experiences yield other fruit, like the fond memories that are recounted in one's older age and giving people one more reason to be thankful to God about life.

The health benefits of vacation, however, are short-lived. Recent research has shown that within the first week to month, many of the health benefits fade out. One of the studies concluded that job demands contribute to the fade-out. It also suggested that making time for things that are relaxing and enjoyable can prolong the positive effects of vacationing. I suggest regular downtime and maintaining the bonds and intimacy with family and friends, along with developing an attitude that highly values physical and mental calm, which is critical to a happier life and health.

What benefits do you derive from vacationing? What do you do that helps you maintain those vacation benefits?

Christian Counseling - Pleasure Seeking--Healthy or Unhealthy?

A primary human motivation is pleasure seeking. But how should we think about pleasure? Is pleasure seeking ever healthy or is it only unhealthy? How do we describe the difference between the two?

St. Augustine, a well-recognized theologian and philospher of the 4th and 5th centries, wrote to his close friend, Nebridius, that a person should resist with all his or her might the senses and the pleasure that eminates from them. How's that for a buzzkill, or is he right?

Let me confuse the issue a little with two quotes from the Bible:

1. If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, '"Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!" (which all refer to things destined to perish with use)--in accordance with the commandments and teaching of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence (Colossians 2:20-23).

2. Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone [or something] as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of [possibly addicted to] the one whom you obey ..." (Romans 6:16).

How would you answer the questions at the end of the first paragraph?

Christian Counseling: Pleasure Seeking Christians: An Oxymoron?

It may sound self-centered to think about directly seeking pleasure, especially if you are a Christian who practices dying to self and living for God and others. Whether or not to look for pleasure appears somewhat confusing to quite a few Christians and, at the extreme end, can result in hedonophobia - fear of pleasure. This fear often encompasses feelings of guilt, unworthiness and excessive concern over offending God that prevents a person from receiving any pleasure or feeling badly when he or she does.

All of us seek pleasure! We find pleasure in products that are better tasting (toothpaste, cereal and beverage), better looking (shirt, car and house), in reading materials that excite us, work that satisfies, a church group that brings us joy, TV shows that entertain, friends who make us feel good, etc.

Scripture has a fair amount to say about the ills of pleasure, but without the full context, one is likely to conclude experiencing and seeking pleasure only results in displeasing God.  For example, Hebrews 11:25 refers to the "passing pleasures of sin," 2 Timothy 3:4 warns us about being "...lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God" and Proverbs 21:17 says, "He who loves pleasure will become poor." Initially, it seems clear, "Avoid the sin of pleasure." But that is throwing out the baby with the bath water. The implication in the latter verse is not about the wrong in loving pleasure, but loving pleasure more than God or others, which is exemplified in Jesus asking Peter, "...do you love Me more than these?" (John 21:15). From what sources are we looking for pleasure? There are ones that are good and bad. Are we bypassing all righteous sacrifices?

The truth is that God is at work in us "for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). Psalm 16:11 tells us that "eternal pleasures are at His right hand." The streets of the New Jerusalem in Revelation 21:21will be paved in gold (pleasure in seeing). In Greek and Hebrew pleasure refers to satisfaction or delight, as is the case in Luke 10:21 where we find God takes pleasure in His decisions--"...this way was well-pleasing in Your sight" (hiding things from the wise and revealing them to infants).

As are most things in scripture, balance is the name of the game. Philippians 2:4 says we are to seek to please God and others more than ourselves, but embedded in that statement is the truth that it is okay to seek our own pleasure. Are you avoiding seeking pleasure in some things that are good or neutral? You may have good reason not to, but are you clear on why you have not?

Christian Counseling - Money: A Conversational Taboo for Christians?

From a respected source I heard that in England some people are rather free to talk about their yearly income without bravado, pride or comparison. It seems to them a natural thing to talk about. In our Christian culture money talk is avoided, as if it's taboo. One of the consequences is that we are left with our own feelings, thoughts and conclusions about it and without support in understanding and managing our attitudes about it. Most often we hear money referenced as the root of all evil (1 Timothy 6:10). Further, that we should not love, covet or desire money, but be free from its power and temptation and be content with what we have (Hebrews 13:5). The implication that many make is that a spiritual person's concern about money should border on nonexistence, except to meagerly provide for himself. These interpretations and resultant beliefs contain truth and error. Take a moment and see if you can sort it out?

The truth is that money is "a" root of evil (NASB), but not "the" root of all evil. For example, people can wrongfully act with vengeance when hurt by someone, which has nothing to do with money. So it is for others who think they are superior and are prejudicial because of their heritage, talents or connections to important people. Desiring money is not a problem as long as it is not obsessive and so powerful as to cause a person to place it on a pedestal and change her behavior to the point of straying from faith, values and committed relationships. If a person thinks he should have no desire for money then he would not, in an employment interview, think of asking about salary and benefits. If a person should be unconditionally content with their income then they would not give a hoot about having enough to save for retirement.

If you think you care too much about money, first check out the level of your care with others. Perhaps your caring is appropriate, or, in the reverse, perhaps you care more than you realize. Getting feedback from a few trusted and knowledgeable others is necessary to confirm or challenge one's sense of reality. Second, if you determine you do care too much, cultivate the following attitudes and behaviors taken from 1 Timothy 6:

1.  Flee the over concern with money and pursue character--righteousness, godliness, love... (:11)
2.  Learn to be content with having food and clothing, but you can still reasonably pursue things (:8).
3.  Be rich in good works (:18).
4.  Be generous (:18).
5.  Be ready to share (:18).
6.  Do not be conceited because you have a goodly amount of money (:17).
7.  Do not fix your hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God (:17).

Also, it is important for a person to gain self-understanding about what money symbolized or means to him or her. Money can represent power, security, self-importance, freedom, etc. By attempting to meet the underlying need(s), the strength of the love of money can diminish, even quite dramatically.

Christian Counseling - Are You Desperate to Reignite Emotions in a Relationship?

Being "head over heels" in love is the or at least one of the most potent emotions in life. A parallel of this is experienced by many in their early relationship with God. The initial connection often leads to an astounding awakening to newness of life, which carries a person for about 17 months (the life of the "love hormone"--oxytocine).  All the emotions of one's being are electrified and sustain the connection as the relationship develops roots. Beyond this simplistic understanding, this life-giving process is as wonderful as it is mysterious.

What lovers, very close friends, parents with newborns and newly converted Christians often experience after the early relational euphoria is a slow-paced, but significant letdown. People languish and pine for days of old when wondrous, comforting feelings kept the relational bond strong and sure. The sense of loss and grief are significant. They question if the relationship can ever be the same without the breathtaking fireworks of those profound and abundant feelings. Many spend years searching for ways to reignite those unmatched feelings of connection until, at some point, they understand they cannot and never will. Most feel guilty or blame the other for the emotional loss. They slip into despair, inactivity and ask if the experience was real or true because it did not last. I have witnessed numerous disheartened people who then abandon the relationships. Not infrequently, Christians wonder why God lets this happen and some even ponder whether or not He exists.

Yet, I believe this is God's design, and, of course, He has a purpose(s). When we are no longer living for or moved by powerful feelings how will we act? Without the motivating feelings we see with depth and clarity what else exists in our hearts. When the wasteful search for resurrecting the strong emotional connection with God or another person is abandoned we are then open to the next phase of relational and spiritual development--relying on our own individual convictions and integrity. Admittedly, this is a very tough transition that is less impressive than living by feelings, from a human viewpoint. From God's view, He sees this person as serious-minded about living righteously, stable and more trustworthy because emotions can suddenly shift and change, mature, and ready for more responsibility, power and challenges. In the end, God is pleased with the person who learns to thrive in this, the highest spiritual state of human living.

Living by conviction and integrity and not feelings surprisingly creates new feelings of self-confidence, more healthy trust in oneself, joy in the relationship, contentment and security in believing one can go the distance of walking with God or another for life.

Christian Counseling - The Zeitgeist of the 2010s

Zeitgeist is the mood or spirit of a particular time in history understood by the ideas and beliefs of the times. How would you define this spirit in America today? Uncertain, angry, confused, fearful, anxious, or something else?

It appears there is a trend toward all of these, but the overarching and growing zeitgeist might be labeled anxiety or, at least, niggle. Those who thoughtfully follow U.S. and world news are likely to experience some increase in worry over the significant and redefining events in the Mideast, Japan's nuclear disaster, some truth in climate change, high unemployment, deflating housing market, the falling value of the dollar, the rise in commodity prices such as gasoline, the increase in inflation with the threat of hyperinflation, out-of-control government spending, S&P's lowering U.S. ratings outlook to negative, etc.

Most Christians have likely wondered if these are signs of the decline of America and, therefore, the end time. That is very possible. The outcome of these things could easily and quickly have a monumental impact, as to change the face of the world we know. However, for some Christians their initial discomfort at the thought of these problems is remedied by not thinking about them or by believing all is okay because God is in control and Jesus will return and save them from these devastating hardships. If they truly believe the latter two points, then it should be evident in their behavior--not concerned about saving money, not bought any metals (gold, silver), have no food reserves, not preparing for inflation and going about life as usual. They may believe that anything short of detaching from these issues and exercising faith in God to protect them is spiritual weakness or faithlessness.

But I ask them, "Why not exercise discernment, search for wisdom that can add years to life and use the mind that God created? Are we free from all self-protection? Where in scripture do we find that we are to be do nothing people? Is not faith without works dead?" These protective actions do not exclude faith, but accompany it. Faith is not supposed to be blind and not to be used to avoid personal responsibility. We cease to act when we are beyond our means to do anything else. Faith helps carry us when we act and when we can do no more.

Faith with action can aid us in modifying today's zeitgeist of growing anxiety.

Christian Counseling: Endurance: An Asset Or Liability Of Character?

A competitor who completes, let alone wins, an ironman triathlon is a marvelous example of human endurance. Scripturally, we have the perfect example of endurance in Jesus who gave up His power and position to enter our world in human form and take the rejection, humiliation, torture and extremely painful death without calling on the Father or the angels to save Him.

There are circumstances in which we have no choice but to endure and others in which we choose to do so. The desire to avoid pain and be more than a survivor seems inherent, but we can override that most powerful desire in favor of a greater cause or reason, just as Jesus did. We are called to be suffering servants like Him. So it can get confusing when we have to discern between endurance that is righteous or useless and a characteristic to develop or a liability to avoid. 

Those who play the martyr role receive esteem from others or oneself for their visible suffering. This also has the advantage of reducing other's criticisms and falsely diminishing or ending feelings of guilt. Their endurance of suffering is ostensibly righteous, but has no value beyond temporary self-gain.

For centuries, Christian women have been told to unconditionally submit to their husbands and those in authority. They endured numerous hardships and even emotional and physical abuse from their husbands because they were told that absolute submission was the woman's righteous response that would please God and bring her husband into obedience to the Word (1 Peter 3:1,2). This belief continued to be taught to most women seeking counseling from their pastors in the 1980's and still ocassionally exists today. An equivalent belief would be, if we just loved Muslim extremists they would end jihad against American infidels and become our brothers and sisters. These and others situations demand an action other than endurance, for there are those who will not be moved by love, kindness, submissiveness, or God Himself (Romans 1:28-32), but will take advantage of what they perceive as weakness, fear or ignorance.

Endurance is a liability and must end when goodness has no effect and evil rules the heart of an individual. In these circumstances, submission and endurance is understood as enabling the tyrrany of others.

What are you enduring? Why? Are you able to determine if your endurance is an assest or liability of character? What other response might God approve of?

Christian Counseling - Grumbling, Complaining and Murmuring

Anyone who has attempted to gain a deeper understand of the Bible's message about grumbling, complaining and murmuring is, at first, confused. As most all biblical issues, it is not a simple and easy thing to grasp. It is impossible to determine its meaning from a single verse. To further complicate the issue, there are numerous Hebrew and Greek words for this behavior.

For example, 1 Corinthians 10:10 (NASB) says, "Nor grumble, as some of them did [Hebrews in the wilderness], and were destroyed by the destroyer." If we took it at face value without any question or searching, we would think no one should ever say a cross word to anyone about anything. It would mean we should not criticize others, hold them accountable, or challenge or question them. This would leave us suppressing all our negative thoughts and feelings and omitting any critical word from our prayers. But scripture says God encouraged Jonah to talk about his being angry with Him for offering salvation to the Ninevites and David in Psalm 109 not only complains, but seeks God's vengeance for a friend's offence. We also find Habakkuk questioning God's actions and Jeremiah complaining about the Jews and about God for deceiving him. So what is the truth about grumbling, complaining and murmuring?

I can tell you what I believe. Understanding the Hebrew and Greek definitions of those three words strongly suggest there is a difference between right and wrong complaining. It seems it is not just about the words we choose, but the motive of the heart and the attitude we take when complaining. The wrong use of complaining seems to center around one or more of these evil things:

1. A malicious intent on harming or destroying someone.
2. Distorting truth for one's own purpose.
3. Disbelief.
4. Angry blaming.
5. Spreading doubt or strife.  
6. "Being" a complainer - having a personality characteristic of perpetually complaining.

God will never reject or chastise us for our questions, complaints or grumblings, if we have a heart that is seeking the truth, open to new ideas and avoiding evil in all its varied forms. Since He knows what is already in us, we must speak the truth to Him and be willing to confront those who offend us.

Here are a few of the verses from which I formed my conclusions: Exodus 15:24; Numbers 14:2; Deuteronomy 1:27; Psalm 55:17; 109; Jeremiah 20:7; Habakkuk 1:1-17; Mark 14:5; Luke 5:30; John 6:4; 7:32; Acts 6:1; 1 Corinthians 10:10; and James 5:9. 

Christian Counseling - Psychoneuroimmunology

Psychoneuroimmunology is the study of the relationship between behavior, the central nervous system and the immune system and health. Like any other modern branch of research, it is in its infancy. Yet, when multiple studies reveal similar results, we can have more confidence in the outcome.  Here is some of the latest news of interest.


COLDS:

-  Colds are transmitted and brought on more effectively in people with fewer types of good relationships, who exhibit poor stress responses and are depressed.

CANCER:

- In animal studies, stress accelerates tumor growth and metastasis.
- Group therapy lengthens the life of victims of breast cancer and melanoma.
- Socially isolated cancer victims have a much worse course.
- The fewer calories eaten the fewer tumors one gets.
- Fat (not from fish or vegetable oils) increases cancer, i.e. colon, and suppresses the immune system.

HERPES:

- Recurrences are associated with passive coping styles (drinking or sleeping more), which are related to depression.

DEPRESSION & GRIEF:

- Bereavement predicts worse immune responses.
- Cultivating positive thoughts and responses to the loss of a loved one is good for the immune system.
- Depression has been repeatedly shown to suppress the immune system and enhance disease progression. As depression rises so do the number of illnesses.


Here is a short list of things one can do to boost the immune system and increase health:

- Don't overdose on vitamins. They should always be taken in moderation and not exceed recommended dosages with the exception of "C" which can be taken in large doses without any known negative effect. Increasing recommended dosages is related to immunosuppression, unless it is only done so for a couple of days, i.e., zinc for a cold.
- Maintain a diet of low bad fat and sugar.
- Be sure to keep your Body Mass Index (BMI) below 30 (visit http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ to calculate).
- Quit smoking.
- Get a massage.
- Learn to meditate and take up moderate exercise through Yoga, Qigong, etc.
- Get treatment for depression.
- Learn to relax.
- Manage stress, which is your response to external stressors.
- Develop open and supportive relationships with family, friends and your church.
- And keep on praying, as it positively affects the immune system.


Information taken from the seminar: "The Immune System: The Mind-Body Connection: Who Gets Sick and Who Stays Well" presented by Steven Keller, Ph.D. on March 11, 2011and sponsored by the Institute for Brain Potential. 

Christian Counseling - Polishing God's Promises

"God is on display to the world, salvation of souls is at stake and I can help save some by making Him more attractive through polishing up His promises." What Christian would espouse such a belief? But I have no doubt there are some. There are others who verbally deny this way of thinking, yet act in a contradictory way.

A few weeks ago, while driving to work, I heard this statement made by a pastor on a local Christian radio station: "I guarantee you if you live rightly with God you will have His protection." All of us have heard similar promises about blessings of all kinds, if we just do what is right. Generally there is some truth in this statement. But as a blanket promise it cannot be found in scripture. Some promises are a compilation of verses that are consciously or unconsciously distorted for the purposes of the interpreter. Why do some think they need to embellish the work and Person of God? Are these people trying to capitalize on bringing more people to God because they enhance His image? God isn't appealing enough on His own merits? Embellishment is a lie of a different color, and there are significant consequences for those who believe such false promises.

Perhaps as you, I was given many polished promises in my early and middle years as a Christian, and I believed them because they sounded so nice and comforting and offered me a sense of security and love. They came from good people. The ideas sounded so wonderful they had to come from God. But shockingly, the heartache overtook me when I allowed myself to face the truth that a number of my beliefs didn't match the reality of my experience or my understanding of the Bible, like what the pastor said on the radio. In truth, there is no guaranteed safety in this world. Consider God's proclaiming Job to be a righteous man, but who greatly suffered, physically and emotionally. Jesus, who was without sin, paid the ultimate price of an extremely painful death, as have other good people who have been martyred. The only promise God makes about our safety is in regard to our salvation, which is fulfilled in the next life, not this one.

I have encountered many clients who needlessly suffered from serious disappointment, anger and doubt when God didn't turn out to be the God presented by others. I have sadly witnessed those who completely abandoned their faith after such a spiritual crisis. Polishing God's promises has far reaching negative consequences for the holders of false, but seemingly wonderful, romantic and soothing beliefs.

Can you identify with any of these polished promises? God will bless and is only happy and pleased when people:

 - stop attending to themselves and give to others
 - never wound another person
 - always forgive everyone, no matter what
 - have need of only faith in Him and the Bible for healing one's wounds
 - realize they don't need anything or anyone but God
 - believe that nothing happens outside of God's will, as He is always in control of everything.
 - consider the past is past, forget about it and move on.

I have no doubt you can create your own list. Care to share one or two of them with others on this blog?