Christian Counseling: Fears That Overtake Us

If there is any single word that so corrupts a person other than "sin," it is fear. Fear, as any other feeling, is not a sin, but the decisions we make about handling our fear can be. Too often people fear what others think and what they will do, so they choose not to stand up for what they believe, become silent in their witnesses for Him, and permit others to be harmed, like a child at the hand of an inappropriate parent. Consequently, many will feel some guilt and even direct some anger at themselves for not following their conscience in doing the right thing. But key to these and many other situations is the awesome power and control fear has over people.

I have seen many male and female clients who faint under another's assumed possession of kryptonite, be it their spouse, boss, parent or other authority figure. They want to act in strength and may even fantasize about having superhuman strength when confronting others in their minds, but are weak in the presence of another's felt massive power. The majority of people, especially women, don't want to hurt another person at any cost, so they keep the peace by silently withdrawing and allow the worms of hurt and anger to eat at them, while the tentacles of fear wrap themselves around their tongues, take freedom from their spirits, confidence from their esteem, and joy from their lives. They all know there is something quite wrong about it all, but fear has its way by confusing the mind and numbing the heart, until it becomes a way of life and imprisons.

Overcoming fear is no easy task, but truth, love and relationships, righteousness, and dying to this world are helps of great measure. Truth clarifies, such as lording one's power over another is contrary to Jesus' words. Instead, we are to be servants and mutually submissive to all (Mark 10:42,43; Ephesians 5:21). The love of God and others helps extinguish fear and supports us in cultivating new attitudes and behaviors (I John 4:18). We find power in a righteous purpose that gives us the courage to take some heat, like Jesus suffering for us. And when we are accustomed to dying daily to this life, fear loses its control because if we are not afraid of dying we've mastered the biggest fear of all (I Corinthians 15:31).

In the end, one must be "exposed" to the fear that mercilessly grips them. Bit by bit and experience by experience, through exposure kryptonite loses its power, insights about what underlies fear leads the way to new possibilities and freedom reigns. That is His wish for us all and to that end He is working, every day. Do you know in what ways He is at work in helping you overcome fear? Lastly, team up with two other people who can offer you encouragement and lend their strength until fear submits to you.

Christian Counseling - So Little Time, So Much To Do!

Who hasn't wished for more time in the day or a week? If we, like the Beatles, had "Eight Days A Week" and if we, like them, could spent it on a "want to" like love or something pleasurable instead of a "have to" like a chore, perhaps we would all wholeheartedly agree with the catchy clothier saying, "Life is good."

However, we know the problem is not time, but rather things like: management of time, high expectations,  perfectionism, a hurry up driver, fear of making mistakes, having too many interests, faulty beliefs, difficulty making decisions, attention deficit, expressing and maintaining personal boundaries, and not planning, setting goals, asserting and delegating. Generally, one of the main problems is not saying "No!" to a request for one's time. Saying "Yes!" prevents a person from feeling guilty and self-imposing a negative evaluation of being selfish. Saying "Yes!" often enough leads some into a life of resignation or giving in in order to please others at one's own expense. Eventually, many people get stuck in these conflicted thoughts and feelings, which take on a life of their own.

Some attempt to solve the problem by taking a cognitive or intellectual approach by signing up for a time management course. Though this can be helpful and should be looked at as one of many things needed to be addressed, by itself it will likely fail many because it doesn't sufficiently consider and remedy the emotional side of the problem. Gaining self-understanding and seeking knowledge and wisdom through prayer and the help of others is necessary to quiet the frustration of so little time, so much to do. Ironically, in spite of all the world's inventiveness, time has become more precious than ever and, I predict, the sense of not having enough of it will only get worse in the future. Therefore, the time to act is now.

Christian Counseling - Making Your Vacation Last

Most people who go on vacation can attest to its health benefits, such as: feeling more relaxed, happier, less anxious, more at peace, and more tired (coming down from the adrenaline rush of everyday life) and/or more energized. One of the great treasures of time off is time together, with those you love. Bonding without many of the usual distractions of everyday duties fills one's emotional tank. These wonderful experiences yield other fruit, like the fond memories that are recounted in one's older age and giving people one more reason to be thankful to God about life.

The health benefits of vacation, however, are short-lived. Recent research has shown that within the first week to month, many of the health benefits fade out. One of the studies concluded that job demands contribute to the fade-out. It also suggested that making time for things that are relaxing and enjoyable can prolong the positive effects of vacationing. I suggest regular downtime and maintaining the bonds and intimacy with family and friends, along with developing an attitude that highly values physical and mental calm, which is critical to a happier life and health.

What benefits do you derive from vacationing? What do you do that helps you maintain those vacation benefits?

Christian Counseling: Pleasure Seeking Christians: An Oxymoron?

It may sound self-centered to think about directly seeking pleasure, especially if you are a Christian who practices dying to self and living for God and others. Whether or not to look for pleasure appears somewhat confusing to quite a few Christians and, at the extreme end, can result in hedonophobia - fear of pleasure. This fear often encompasses feelings of guilt, unworthiness and excessive concern over offending God that prevents a person from receiving any pleasure or feeling badly when he or she does.

All of us seek pleasure! We find pleasure in products that are better tasting (toothpaste, cereal and beverage), better looking (shirt, car and house), in reading materials that excite us, work that satisfies, a church group that brings us joy, TV shows that entertain, friends who make us feel good, etc.

Scripture has a fair amount to say about the ills of pleasure, but without the full context, one is likely to conclude experiencing and seeking pleasure only results in displeasing God.  For example, Hebrews 11:25 refers to the "passing pleasures of sin," 2 Timothy 3:4 warns us about being "...lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God" and Proverbs 21:17 says, "He who loves pleasure will become poor." Initially, it seems clear, "Avoid the sin of pleasure." But that is throwing out the baby with the bath water. The implication in the latter verse is not about the wrong in loving pleasure, but loving pleasure more than God or others, which is exemplified in Jesus asking Peter, "...do you love Me more than these?" (John 21:15). From what sources are we looking for pleasure? There are ones that are good and bad. Are we bypassing all righteous sacrifices?

The truth is that God is at work in us "for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). Psalm 16:11 tells us that "eternal pleasures are at His right hand." The streets of the New Jerusalem in Revelation 21:21will be paved in gold (pleasure in seeing). In Greek and Hebrew pleasure refers to satisfaction or delight, as is the case in Luke 10:21 where we find God takes pleasure in His decisions--"...this way was well-pleasing in Your sight" (hiding things from the wise and revealing them to infants).

As are most things in scripture, balance is the name of the game. Philippians 2:4 says we are to seek to please God and others more than ourselves, but embedded in that statement is the truth that it is okay to seek our own pleasure. Are you avoiding seeking pleasure in some things that are good or neutral? You may have good reason not to, but are you clear on why you have not?

Christian Counseling - The Zeitgeist of the 2010s

Zeitgeist is the mood or spirit of a particular time in history understood by the ideas and beliefs of the times. How would you define this spirit in America today? Uncertain, angry, confused, fearful, anxious, or something else?

It appears there is a trend toward all of these, but the overarching and growing zeitgeist might be labeled anxiety or, at least, niggle. Those who thoughtfully follow U.S. and world news are likely to experience some increase in worry over the significant and redefining events in the Mideast, Japan's nuclear disaster, some truth in climate change, high unemployment, deflating housing market, the falling value of the dollar, the rise in commodity prices such as gasoline, the increase in inflation with the threat of hyperinflation, out-of-control government spending, S&P's lowering U.S. ratings outlook to negative, etc.

Most Christians have likely wondered if these are signs of the decline of America and, therefore, the end time. That is very possible. The outcome of these things could easily and quickly have a monumental impact, as to change the face of the world we know. However, for some Christians their initial discomfort at the thought of these problems is remedied by not thinking about them or by believing all is okay because God is in control and Jesus will return and save them from these devastating hardships. If they truly believe the latter two points, then it should be evident in their behavior--not concerned about saving money, not bought any metals (gold, silver), have no food reserves, not preparing for inflation and going about life as usual. They may believe that anything short of detaching from these issues and exercising faith in God to protect them is spiritual weakness or faithlessness.

But I ask them, "Why not exercise discernment, search for wisdom that can add years to life and use the mind that God created? Are we free from all self-protection? Where in scripture do we find that we are to be do nothing people? Is not faith without works dead?" These protective actions do not exclude faith, but accompany it. Faith is not supposed to be blind and not to be used to avoid personal responsibility. We cease to act when we are beyond our means to do anything else. Faith helps carry us when we act and when we can do no more.

Faith with action can aid us in modifying today's zeitgeist of growing anxiety.

Christian Counseling: The Thrill Of Contentment And The Agony Of Want

One aspect of maturity is leaving wants behind and cleaving to contentment. Not that this is perfect, for we will always want (and need) food, shelter, etc.--necessities for our survival. Because of that there will always be at least some discontentment, some of the time. On the other hand, excessive wanting can be pure agony when people desires things that are not theirs, be it a relationship, a better standard of living, power, freedom, love, security, and the like. Some wants are good, but no want is healthy when its power overtakes a person who ends up controlled, enslaved and significantly altered in attitude and behavior. In fact, unbridled want or desire is the reason for most human quarrels and conflicts (James 4:1,2). This kind of wanting produces anxiety--"How, when and will I get. . .?"

When we are deprived of what we want it can grow in intensity and become an obsession, if we don't have a healthy way to deal with it. In WWII (as in other wars I am confident), prisoners who lacked provisions of food, safety and shelter fantasized about satiating these wants and needs that forever changed their lives upon their release. Some became a prisoner a second time to their appetites.

What is the alternative? The answer is found in the well known words of wisdom in Philippians 4:11, "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." It is a process, years in the making, to accept contentment as a way of life, which leads to quieting our desires, wants and drivenness to acquire things we don't have or don't have enough of.

In the Greek, contentment means sufficient or enough. The mental focus is on what one has and not  what is missing. It is being satisfied with self, life and one's accomplishment, even though most believe they could have been better, done more and acquired more. This is not meant to give anyone license to avoid responsibility, cease from good works or stop growing in Christlikeness, but to be content along the way. It means we learn to diminish the strength of wanting and refuse to be under its control.

Literally, it is calming, a bit of heaven and even thrilling to be content with life, as it is. It is the greatest of all freedoms for the living because, unlike other freedoms, it cannot be taken away. In the end, let your wants be transformed in wanting things like: justice, bringing heaven to earth and developing the fruit of the Spirit, while remembering to marry want with contentment.

Christian Counseling - Is There An Upside To Anger?

Have you ever hear someone say that anger is good, useful, necessary and a sign of maturity? If you have you know that is rare, and you may have questioned their IQ level or biblical knowledge. Seemingly, the universal Christian message is that anger is a sign of immaturity and loss of self-control and something to be withheld and repented of.

Most accept the existence of righteous anger, but the majority act as if that anger should be the exclusive possession of God, as only He can feel it and express it appropriately. In discussions, writings, and presentations on forgiveness, anger is touted as something that is only harmful and forgiveness the righteous, only and necessary path to healing (there are two sides to that issue, but that's for another time, or you can visit our website and find the article: Theologies That Wound: A Study of Biblical Forgiveness). 

The most common Christian responses to anger (in oneself or others) are to vent and repent or see how quickly one can rid himself of the disease or temptation. It can readily create feelings of mild anxiety or fear to feelings of dread and, occasionally, terror (when one is traumatized by anger or rage). If a person, in response to anger, experiences a persistent and excessive fear or anxiety and exhibits avoidance behaviors, all of which interfere with one's normal routine, it is likely this person has an anger phobia. More specifically, it is has been called angophobia and cholerophobia.

Anger, as most anything, can be used to help or destroy. Without question, it is powerful and needs to be respected. You may ask, "How can anger be of help, useful or good?" Biblically, anger is not condemned, it is cautioned. It does not say or even imply that righteous anger belongs only to God. Going beyond or a step up from anger, scripture says hatred is a characteristic of spiritual maturity, "The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverted mouth, I hate" (Proverbs 8:13) and King David wrote, "Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?. . . I hate them with the utmost hatred" (Psalm 139:21,22). The Bible says we are not to seek vengeance directly, but we can feel it, own it, want it and ask for it (Psalm 109; Jeremiah 18:19-23; and Revelation 6:10), without it eating up a person.

Anger is useful in protecting ourselves and others, in defending our constitutional and God-given rights, in setting relational boundaries and motivating us to actions that are necessary and righteous.

Together, the Bible and psychological research join in pointing out strong anger that is internalized and unexpressed in any form is as physically and emotionally [and spiritually] damaging as explosive anger. Both sources highlight the moderate expression of anger as being optimal, which means some amount of anger is not detrimental to us, but can be good, useful, necessary and healthy. 


 

Christian Counseling - One Benefit of Social Relationships

Although the benefits of social relating are numerous and far-reaching, a recent study highlights how much they affect longevity. A meta-analysis was conducted on 148 studies that researched the effects of health outcomes and longevity on 300,000 people who averaged 64 years of age.

The study revealed a "50% greater likelihood of survival when compared with those who are isolated or have poor social relationships." Further, it is thought having socializing regularly adds a survival advantage that is equivalent to stopping smoking and twice the benefit of regular exercise or maintaining normal weight.1

One theory as to why health benefits exist for those who socialize, to which I subscribe, is the result of our need for connection. One characteristic of being connected to others is the opportunity to receive trusted support from close friends, family, etc. This is especially helpful when people are most open to and need support--during the trials and stresses of life. Support likely reduces anxiety and depression and offers hope, which have a positive effect on health. Other research shows there is a strong association between depression or anxiety to increased risk for physical health problems, such as coronary heart disease.

It seems to me that most all problems in life (some of them physical) are the result of relationships gone bad. Therefore, the obvious help, sometimes cure, for them are healthy and redeeming relationships with God, others and even oneself (i.e., positive self-image and self-statements). The Bible is clear, there is nothing more important than good relationships. One reason relating is so critical to human life beyond physical health is it makes possible acceptance, love, understanding, joy, salvation, and purpose in life.

  
1 Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. Socal relationships and longevity. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. February 2011: Vol. 27, No. 8, p. 7.   

Christian Counseling - Time Magazine Brief on Mental Health and Video Games

Time (January 31, 2011, p.17) printed a brief article on "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." The study included 3034 young students in Singapore (up to middle school age) in which Douglas Gentile, a researcher at Iowa State University, participated. He concluded that addicted gamers were more likely over two years to become depressed, anxious and develop social phobias. The researchers classified 9-10% of the participants as "addicted" or "pathological" (though I wonder if the classification should have been excessive playing rather than addiction - confusing). (Some of the study's details were obtained from sources other than Time.)

 Gentile also stated that those who were addicted and stopped gaming had less symptoms of depression, anxiety and social phobia. The simple conclusion made at the end of the article is that gaming causes these symptoms or disorders. But causation cannot be determined by correlation studies, just that there is an undetermined relationship or association. It could be these three mental health problems developed as the result of the common struggle, especially with young people, to develop self-esteem and a positive self-image, which can be challenged by quick reacting computers that can easily trash gamers' serious efforts to consistently win. The repeated defeats can easily lead young gamers to conclude they are a failure, a loser and not as smart as their peers. Over time, these negative experiences can result in feelings of depression and anxiety, especially if gamers rely on winning for self-definition, which I believe often happens.

It is highly possible that addictions or excessive gaming, or being obsessive or compulsive about anything for that matter, are a substitute for the great human need for satisfying and healthy relationships.  Substitutions are chosen, for example, when a person is not socially well-developed or when relationships have deeply and repeatedly wounded a person. It may feel far safer to relate to a game where one has more control or, at least, the illusion of it.

Parental awareness and involvement in their children's gaming habits is a part of good and necessary parenting. There are times they should step in and set boundaries around the types of games and number of hours played (19 hours of gaming a week is the average, though that doesn't mean it's good or healthy, while the study's "pathological" gamers played about 31 hours a week). If or when parents restrict their children's play they also need to redirect them to other things or relationships that help give them balance and develop other skills.

Sometimes gamers, if they cut back or stop gaming, feel restless and bored. It is important for parents to assess these feelings in their children. It may be they have reconnected to feelings they attempted to avoid by gaming, which have been long standing, apart from game playing. Depression and anxiety have many faces, two of which are restlessness and boredom.

Christian Counseling: Is There A Link Between Trauma and Perfectionism?

It has been said that the closest to perfection anyone ever gets is when they fill out a job application. The truth behind the humor is that we all wish for others to see us in a positive light and to like and accept us,  perfectionists even more so. They hide their faults and sins from others, yet strangely, can be ever so quick to see their shortcomings and apologize, frequently even if it is not their fault. Mostly, and severely, they avoid conflict. Their goodness, acceptability and worth is welded to doing everything right. Internally, they must deny their frail and weak humanity. They are easily given to feelings of anxiety, guilt and self-hate and behaviors of self-criticism and self-punishment, such as rejecting good things in life because they do not deserve them.

There are many possibilities about how perfectionism develops in a person, one of which is the result of traumatic childhood/teenage experiences, which can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  In the future, I suspect trauma will be viewed differently in that it will be defined by the individual and his or her response to a threatening emotional or physical situation and not by today's standards of a collective set of criteria developed, for the most part, independent of victims, which includes only a threat of physical injury or death of oneself or others.

Two arenas surface as proving grounds that can lead to one's growth or block development--home and school environment. Home life can be chaotic and threatening, such as when there is physical or sexual abuse, or the home may be a place of insecurity and unsupportive relationships that leave a person vulnerable to traumatic experiences later in life. Peers in school and even the neighborhood can have a profoundly  negative effect on a person's life. We all know that kids can be cruel, but to a sensitive and insecure person it can be shattering. Whether one is bullied or laughed at for making mistakes, it can feel so emotionally threatening to a person's identity and existence that he or she refuses to go to school or begins to think about dying.

For many, the way out of helpless and painful feelings is to become perfectionists. Perfectionistic belief holds if one can perfect, he or she will avoid criticism and rejection and find respect and acceptance. Unfortunately, it is a dead-end pursuit. Not only can a person never achieve it, but the mental energy required to daily live that life style takes a massive toll on the joy in life and one physically. Also, consider that Jesus was perfect, but was hated, rejected and killed. Perfectionism guarantees only a different, more complicating, frustrating, disappointing and eternal kind of pain in life.

Recovering from past trauma is a first step in healing. Adopting a new belief and attitude that "good enough" is the antidote to perfectionism will further help. And learning to manage relationships and conflict through assertiveness will go a long way in assisting perfectionists in giving up an impossible role God never intended anyone to live.


(Note: The info in this blog is anecdotal, not research-based.)

Christian Counseling - In the Grip of Panic

Most all of us have experienced being overwhelmed by fear that dips into the realm of feeling panicky. This is referred to as a panic attack. Most of the time we know what brought on the attack, such as a specific troubling thought or threatening event. When these attacks randomly reoccur (without a reason or actual danger) along with the fear of having more of them for more than 30 days then a diagnosis of panic disorder needs to be considered. Between 30-50% of those with the diagnosis also present with agoraphobia (anxiety about and avoidance of being in places or situations from which a person may not be able to escape should they have a panic attack). A few symptoms of the disorder include: fear of dying, losing control or going crazy, feeling dizzy, nauseous or having chest pain, sweating, shaking and shortness of breath.

The good news is there are effective treatments for this disorder. Because the acute phase of the disorder (the beginning 2-4 months) most often leads to a chronic problem, it is important to get help as soon as possible. There are numerous research studies which strongly suggest a two-pronged approach be taken. First, begin see the help of a psychiatrist who will likely write a script for two medications--an anti-anxiety (fast acting) and an anti-depressant (SSRI - takes 4 to 6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels). Second, and simultaneously, enter counseling. The combination of these two approaches has the best record of success. Counseling alone can provide substantial relief, but medication helps to quickly get control of the symtoms with the hope of preventing the disorder from becoming chronic.

Effective counseling centers around correcting cognitive distortions ("I can't be assertive because I might hurt someone"), relaxation training (for muscles and controlling breathing), stress management (facing problems and not allowing them to build up) and unhooking from triggers that bring on attacks, such as any change in breathing. My experience tells me that many with panic disorder are consciously or unconsciouslly avoiding one or more particularly strong feelings that need to be understood and resolved through insight-oriented therapy.  Most people can eliminate their panic or, at least, learn to reduce the intensity of panicky feelings.

Christian Counseling - Tolerance Of The Unknown

There are many things in this world we don't know and many we will never know. Is that thought discomforting to you? It is for most people who look for a sense of security that comes from knowing. This knowing provides structure or a way to understand ourselves, others, God and the world. The degree of structure desired varies with individual makeup and seriously impacts many life choices, such as: avoiding spontaneity, over thinking safety, marital choice, parenting and career decisions.

To some point, the unknown is uncomfortable to everyone. We don't like bad surprises, some don't like any surprises at all. If life could be predictable, we would rest easier. We would prepare ourselves for the droughts of life and avoid the evil in the world. However, our lives are very limitedly predictable. A person's great intolerance of the unknown suggests an underlying, strong feeling of insecurity and anxiety.

To manage those uncomfortable feelings people have developed many coping mechanisms. One of them is focusing on a particular image of God or creating a theology which eases the discomfort. For example, you have likely heard a theology that goes something like this: "God is absolutely sovereign over every detail of life. Nothing happens in this world without His stamp of approval (directly or indirectly)." This belief is an attempt to make life more predictable and acceptable, eliminate disturbing surprises, and provide security in knowing that only God-directed events can occur in this world. This helps people cope with their intolerance of the unknown. Do you see anything wrong with this theological (man made) belief? If you don't and you are comforted by this belief, you may not want to read on.

The negative consequences of this belief are numerous. What do you think happens when a severe tragedy occurs in Christians' lives who completely rest in that belief? Most often they deny their emotions, try to convince themselves the entire situation is God's will and intended for good. They cut off their human feelings of hurt, anger and shock. Over time, these unattended troubling feelings acts like a fox that ruins the vineyard of their good relationship (Song of Songs 2:15) with God through fear, doubt, distrust, insecurity and diminished feelings of connection with Him.

Not everything that happens in life is of God. Sin is never his intention, nor are the evil consequences that follow. But they happen in this world more than 6 billion times a day. What He promises is that He will work out any bad circumstance of life for our good when we turn to and invite Him to participate in our healing (Romans 8:28 ). Further, if every detail of life's happenings were completely directed by God, He wouldn't say, "Do not grieve (in the Greek, cause pain to) the Holy Spirit of God" (Ephesians 4:30). If He has absolute control over everything, why would God do this to Himself?

Our faith should not rest in false theologies that distort life in order to comfort us or manage our troubled feelings. We need to be strong enough to tolerate the unknown and unpredictable, which is the way of human life. Our faith should rest in the truth that He sees, He knows and He is at work for our good in all circumstances, even those that are foul and unintended.

Christian Counseling - Universal Guilt

Guilt is a self-conscious feeling of having done something wrong, of being imperfect. It's a warning device telling us we missed the mark. In the wilderness, when hikers fail to observe and follow trail markers they veer off the safe and intended path, leaving them vulnerable to consequences. Ultimately, a person may lose his or her life. When we fail to adhere to just one of God's markers, our spirits die. Yet, it is great news that we can be rescued by faith in Christ. He puts us back on the right trail.

Guilt is often coupled with a desire to undo the misbehavior through activities, such as confession and making up for the misdeed. Most people believe they deserve to be punishment for their poor behavior. This produces a sense of fear and anxiety over upcoming punishment. Once again, God extends His grace to us by saying there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ.

Theologically, we all have a sin nature and, therefore, we all have inherent guilt, whether or not we feel the guilt. All people in all their relationships are guilty of making mistakes and harming others, regardless of their good intentions. Every parent, child, coworker, boss, husband, wife, pastor, counselor, friend and family member has universal guilt, again, whether or not it's felt.

One of life's great tasks is for all of us to work out our universal guilt. This is done through being open to and ready to communicate with those who offend us or whom we offend, soon er or later to all with whom we regularly relate. The most unattended to and unfinished, problemed human relationship exists between a parent and adult child. Guilt rests on the souls all parents and their grown up children because on one is perfect. Every parent and adult child needs to squarely define their individual mistakes and openly discuss them with one another. This requires a series of exploring conversations and isn't something that can be done in one or two talks.

Expect to encounter resistance within yourself and in the other. For example, I have had several parents tell me that their adult child quickly discounts, excuses or forgives any parental wrongdoing, leaving little room for open and honest communication. In the end, most parents don't feel relieved by these kind of talks. Perhaps God experiences the same thing when His adult children offer confessions, which are often only a few sentences long.

Allowing oneself and strongly requesting the other sit in the thoughts and feelings and explore the history and impact of those experiences will permit a rich exchange from which both can emerge guilt free.

Christian Counseling - Seeking Nirvana Through Perfectionism

Nirvana is the painless state of perfect happiness. Some believe this can only be achieved in heaven. Others, like the Buddists, believe we can transcend the world, our physical bodies and emotional desires and enter that blessed state during our earthly lives. We all seek, to varying degrees, to be free from emotional and physical pain through a variety of healthy and unhealthy methods--love, shopping, power, sex, reading, counseling, drugs, fantasy, perfectionism, food, spiritual connection, etc.

Perfectionism is the belief that one can and should be without flaw, error and mistake and not fail at anything. It is paradoxical that Christians who seek to be perfect often admit no one can achieve a state of sinless living while on earth. Perfectionists require themselves and/or others to live up to an impossible standard of behavior. The consequences for being unsuccessful include: frustration, anger, guilt, feelings of failure, troubled relationships, anxiety, depression and poor self-esteem and self-image, to name a few.

We are to become Christlike, but how fast and how much is determined by each person's thoughts and desires because God doesn't provide these instructive details. When Scripture says we are to be perfect, it means only "complete," which refers to a lifelong pursuit of being sanctified. Ecclesiastes 7:16 says, Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself?" Solomon, the wisest man ever, knew there are and should be limitations to seeking things, like wisdom and righteousness. The Bible also says Jesus came in order that we might have abundant life. That's "abundant" (in the Greek, advantaged or superior) life, not "perfect" life. Anyway, even if we could attain to being perfect so that we might approve of ourselves and protect ourselves from criticism and rejection, Jesus was perfect, but He was rejected, maligned, hated and killed.

Perfectionism is not a savior. It is a weighty albatross that grounds productivity and joy. The antidote to perfectionism is learning and accepting "good enough." The good enough is about reasonable and realistic adequacy and not about doing just enough to get by.

What has helped you in your recovery from perfectionism?

Christian Counseling - When Your Heart and Brain Don't Agree

As humans, we all occasionally experience disparity between what we feel and think. Our range of responses to them vary from curious to seriously anxious, depending on the value we place on the issue at hand.

Most of us have experienced or heard of someone who believed God loved him or her, but didn't feel it. We've also known what it is like to be generally angry without it being attached to anything in particular. And some think it is right to fully rely or depend on God, but feel they can't completely trust Him. I'm sure you can fill in many of your own examples.

What causes the incongruence of thought and feeling and what can we do about it? There are two primary reasons this happens--dissociation and the lack of knowledge. Dissociation is a psychological defense. (Our defenses are unconscious until they are brought to light, so you may not immediately connect this with your own behavior even thought it may exist.) Dissociation is a splitting or unplugging of feelings from thoughts. We can disconnect from any part of an experience, which serves to protect us from a harsh, scary, and unacceptable reality. The extreme end of this is dissociative amnesia. It occurs when a person fails to recall important information about oneself, i.e., memories, in the midst of a traumatic situation.

It have been common, in my 30 years of counseling, to find most Christians dissociate their anger for God or consciously minimize it to the point of avoidance. Most view being angry with God as sinful. Yet, it's a frequent reason biblical characters wrestled with God (Jeremiah, Jonah, Moses, Habakkuk, etc.). There is no scriptural evidence supporting God's rejection of or retaliation against people having angry feelings or thoughts about Him. However, carry that out into behavior and God will lovingly provide some discipline.

The lack of knowledge is the second reason that incongruence between thoughts and feelings exist. We all need to be more knowledgeable about ourselves. This comes by way of facing and analyzing the depth of our feelings and thoughts, which permit the cut off parts to surface. This then gives a person the chance to integrate the two into one, or to connect thought with feeling, which leads to a sense of the experience and oneself being whole.

Our knowledge helps us reason that God is never wrong, and that can leave us thinking our anger is unjustified and we are refusing to accept God as He is. Yet, correcting our thinking through getting knowledge doesn't always resolve our anger or other negative feelings, such as doubt or fear of God. This can be a result of other assumed facts which are unrecognized and in error. Sometimes it's simply a matter that we disagree with His choices or decisions. This is the exercise of free will, which God not only permits, but encourages. In our wrestling we have a responsibility to be truthful and respectfully disagree with Him when that is our experience. This helps prevent disparity of heart and mind.

Further, it is important to clarity what knowledge is and not. Our Western understanding of knowledge is not the same as a biblical understanding of knowledge. We Westerners think of it as acquiring facts and information. People say they believe Jesus is God who came in the flesh to save us from their sins, and that it is sufficient evidence of salvation. But scripture's view of knowledge is quite different. The bottom line is that if the facts and information don't translate into transformation, then the person doesn't biblically know. God's view of knowledge is that it must affect the entire person and not just a part of the person, such as the mind or feeling. This is why the demons believe Jesus is God and Savior of the world, but since it only influences their thinking, they don't have salvation. When we truly know something our feelings and thoughts will be in harmony with one another.

The ancient philosophy of "Know thy self" is critical in resolving the incongruences within ourselves. Any differences between thoughts and feelings need to be evaluated. We must also face our cut off or unacceptable emotions and thoughts, correct our faulty theologies, and allow ourselves to wrestle in truth with God and others about our struggles, all of which help prevent disparity.

Christian Counseling - Need-Meeting

Perhaps the most frequently cited passage on managing human need is Matthew 7:25-34. God challenges us not to worry about food, drink, or clothes, for life is more than these things. He tells us He sees and meets the needs of all creation--birds and lilies. Matthew asks, if He does it for them, will He not care even more for us? This thought can help us control our worry and limit becoming obsessed with pursuing our own need-meeting. Following this, He gives us some direction. '"But seek first the kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So don't worry..."' (:33-34).

Many seem to believe that we should "only" seek the kingdom and not seek to satisfy our own needs. These same people probably think self-satisfaction is akin to selfishness. But read the verses again. It begins with, "But seek first." It doesn't say don't seek or completely avoid caring for your own needs. There is a priority and an order of importance. We can be driven by our needs to the extent they become more important than anything or anyone else. Overly focusing on anything can lead to obsessiveness, which can create anxiety. Also, this passage isn't about self-denial, it's about the comforting empathy and provisions of God, which are meant to ease our very real burden about needs (a feeling of being deprived of physical, emotional, and/or spiritual necessities important to the continuation of life).

Should the unemployed, lonely, poor, insecure, rejected, hungry, terminally ill, unloved, ignored people of the world not give a thought to or attempt to meet their own desperate needs? No, proper self-responsibility and self-love move us to seek taking care of our own needs--one shouldn't look to others to pay their mortgage or grocery bill. But we are cautioned not to over think and dwell on them to the point we forget there are other important things in life. One limitation to that last thought is that unmet, legitimate needs can cause such pain and reasonable fear and anxiety that focusing on other nonsurvival issues becomes impossible. For this reason, rescue teams giving aid to victims or those near death from starvation don't talk about God and His kingdom first, they nurse the wounded, feed the hungry and then present the gospel.

Besides miracles, the exclusive way in which God meets our needs is through His creation. Bees make honey, animal hides are used for shoes, and people take up the role of being good Samaritans to meet other's needs. However, when we deplete an area of its natural resources or people aren't attending to the needs of others, needy people are left, for the most part, to fend for themselves when no miracle is forthcoming.

Many contend that God, without exception, will add all the things we need, if only we first seek His kingdom (:33). However, life indeed shows us there are exceptions. Martyred Christians are not always physically protected. Christians have also starved to death and died of thirst. Some never have their needs met, such as for joy, love, belongingness, etc. This presents us with a dilemma.

How are we to understand limitations that sometimes exist regarding the promises of God? How do you? Can you think of other promises that are not absolute? How about Proverbs 22:6--"Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it"?

Christian Counseling - Doing Versus Being

It's fairly easy to lose perspective and get trapped by busyness and a "doing" mentality. The never-tiring voices of career and home beckon "Give me a little more time and attention." Like "The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing" (Ecclesiastes 1:8b), so too the tempters of career and home seduce us through imagination into believing that more is better, and that doing or accomplishing can build esteem, enhance our reputation, and relieve us of guilt that comes from the possible failure to satisfy the wants and demands of those around us. But the grievous taskmaster of doing is a liar.


Like an addiction, doing is never satisfied and its appetite is insatiable. Once the adrenal glands are on full alert they drive us to perform, to do. Their bodies cooperate with the false prophet who steals also our minds and hearts, our very lives, through the addictive, but hated pace and the have-to's (I have to go here...do this...stop that...do it perfectly, etc.). Over time its victims are mercilessly led to the edge of the cliff of exhaustion. This kind of life is not what God had or has in mind, nor is it one we could ever agree with because we know something is terribly wrong. We know that kind of life is not life at all. It is drifting mindlessly through the motions, until we are suddenly shocked by the passage of decades, wondering how how our brief and precious lives secretly slipped away.

What happens when people become sick or elderly and can't rely on doing, what then? All this for what? For a little esteem, a little less guilt, a little better reputation in our own mind's eye? Perhaps some think gaining a little is better than gaining nothing and having to carry around some bad feelings of inadequacy and a lack of worth. Perhaps they don't know there is an alternative to the fast-paced, bone-tiring and truly ungodly life of only doing.


"Being!" "Being" is the alternative. Alphabetically, philosophically and biblically, being comes before doing. My blog on December 3rd ("Works is the Apple Proving the Type of Tree") refers to the necessity of faith first and works second; that works is meant only to be done as an outgrowth of faith. You can't get to heaven by works--God's heaven or the one on earth we are trying to establish. In the same way, being is first and doing is second.

Being, as faith, is about character. It is about who you are and not about what you do. It is also about learning to feel good about you and not the things you do. Your character is the only thing you will take with you when you leave this earth. It is the only thing that can't be taken from you or decay. It is one of the unseen things Colossians 3:1,2 tell us to focus on in our lives. Once you have developed a certain characteristic it is yours, unlike doing, which must be repeated over and over.

To say it differently, "be"come like Jesus, the person He was and is. This is God's will for us all. When we become the person we should and want to be we will have gained right perspective, the incorruptible esteem, the lasting good reputation and freedom from guilt because our value is not works dependent.

Finally, Christians are "in Christ." It is about who you are, about being born-again and not about works that get you there. Faith leads us to trust in God's words that He sees us as perfect or complete in His Son, first because of His 30 years of character development (i.e., sinless) and second because of His three years of works (i.e., died for our sins). Our works are secondary to person we are, and it is there in this proper order that we find rest from the false promises of doing who proclaims to be king. The true king is being.

Christian Counseling - Anxiety Producing Guilt

All of us experience anxiety (apprehensive mood brought on by perceived threats of impending danger or misfortune) as a temporary and manageable thought or feeling. Yet, for about 40 million Americans, it gets out of control and results in anxiety disorders, such as: generalized, obsessive-compulsive, separation, and social. Almost half of these people also experience depression and three times the incidence of cardiac disease.

Perhaps Christians experience less anxiety because of the loving and accepting relationship with God and because we know our blessed future. However, we are not exempt from anxiety, and many experience guilt from at least one belief that increases anxiety.

The belief is Christians should be anxiety-free. The phrase, "Be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6), is often coupled with the idea that all anxiety must be avoided because it is a sin. Most Christians who feel anxious end up feeling guilty about it. That guilt serves to increase one's anxious feelings. It can be a savage cycle that gets out of control and leads to a disorder.

This is one of those situations where a Greek definition is indispensable. "Be anxious for nothing" is a command, but what is the proper understanding? It means we are not to be distracted by over thinking something. It is not about the feeling of anxiety, but about the way we permit ourselves to behave--to think or dwell on a thought or feeling. It is a care gone too far. A better interpretation might be,"Do not allow yourself to start over thinking or over caring about a potential problem situation." Instead, follow the next couple of verses in Philippians, which is also seen in the example of Jesus.

While Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before His torture, humiliation and death, He experienced anxiety in the recognizable form of hematidrosis--bursting capillaries permitting blood to exit through pores. This stress response is due to a perceived life-threatening situation. Jesus followed Philippians 4:6,7 by turned from thinking about His cares to praying and asking God to help. I don't believe this solved all of Jesus' anxiety, nor will it ours. But at least we can develop competing thoughts and feelings to combat anxiety and not simply give in to it.