Christian Counseling - Christmas: A Time to Give and a Time to Take

"It is better to give than receive." That adage is consistently taught throughout our Christian education - giving over getting. Perhaps the almost exclusive focus on putting ourselves last or out of the picture on receiving is due to the perception that our nature is basically selfish. It seems the over focus on giving is meant to compensate for our self-centeredness, but, on one hand, it is troubling to me. It also seems to generate a belief that the righteous should not take unless it is absolutely necessary and they should have only a minimal desire to take, if any at all. This leaves many Christians in conflict about whether or not to accept appropriate praise and other good gifts. If they do take, some believe they must also express a considerable amount of humility. Sometimes those who take do so out of obligation or find it is accompanied by guilt, embarrassment and feelings of unworthiness. All of this limits the intended happiness in taking.

Why do we give gifts of words or goods to others? Because we want others to experience joy and it also gives us a measure of the same. We don't want the receivers of our gifts to feel uncomfortable, but to be happy and freely accept the offerings of our hearts. I wonder how often it is received that way. How often is it done freely without any discomforting feelings or words like "You shouldn't have!" or "I didn't get you a gift" or an unexpressed thought about not spending as much as the other did on a gift?

To be like God we also must completely bask in and enjoy both giving and taking. He so desires us to be moved with happiness and pleasure by His costly gifts. Without hesitation He wishes for us to take, just as He easily and fondly takes our praise and worship. I recall my college dean who lead about 40 students in a very informal and moving communion, as we sat on the floor talking about life. A few loaves of bread were passed around and each took a small portion, but the dean took an unexpected, large handful of bread. When asked about his taking so much, he responded by saying, "I want all of Jesus I can get."

The unfettered taking, not just giving, from a heart and mind that is genuinely free needs to be our consistent response to those offering us their precious gifts of words and goods. This is especially true during this Christmas season when we remember God who gave His very best for those He loves, and that includes you.

A heart that takes with thanksgiving is righteous.    

Christian Counseling - To What Or Whom Should We Be Loyal?

Loyalty, as seen through the eyes of humor:

A grandmother was told by her grandson that her Sunday school teacher said Jesus was Jewish. The Presbyterian grandmother replied, "Well that may be, but I assure you, God is still a Presbyterian."

A wealthy old man was very enthusiastic about his lovely young bride, but sometimes wondered if she married him for his money. He asked her, "If I lost all my money, would you still love me?"
She retorted, "Of course I would still love you! Don't be silly. But I would miss you."

The loyalty of these protagonists is revealed to be short of what we know should be a greater loyalty - to people, above a denomination or money. But the question, loyalty to whom or what, becomes more difficult to figure out given certain circumstances.

"Blood is thicker than water" is an adage meaning family will be there, should be there for one another and supersedes the loyalty to non-family members. It appears most Christians still hold to this view. Some believe going against family for any reason is wrong and doing so should leave one feeling guilty over an obvious betrayal. However, the word betray refers to disloyalty that is treacherous and favors an enemy over one's family, friend, country, etc.

All of this begs the question, what is family? Is it the nuclear or extended members of our clan or is it any group to whom we are bonded, such as an organization or the human race? What is the family to which we should be most loyal? Consider what Jesus said that redefined the definition of family. Someone approached Jesus and said that his mother and brothers were outside, wanting to speak to Him. He replied, "'Who is My mother and who are My brothers?' And stretching His hand out toward His disciples, He said, 'Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.'"  (Matthew 12:46-50). Herein is our greater loyalty, a new family that is bound by Jesus' blood.

Yet, are there righteous occasions when our loyalty to the spiritual family should be abandoned? You don't think I am going to to say "No!" do you? Yes, there is an even greater loyalty that supersedes our new family. It is synonymous with God and is the foundation of righteousness. It is something that is at the top of the heap, at the very apex of any pedestal, and bows to no other. It is truth. If our loved ones are not living in truth and expect us to go along to protect the family, we are presented with a temptation and dilemma, but our allegiance to the truth, according to our understanding and conscience, trumps all other offers of loyalty. In that we can have confidence and freedom from guilt. In these situations, the priority is not people, but truth, because the people, who may be Christians, have abandoned the truth for falsehood, lies and self-preservation.
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It is a hard road that is too infrequently traveled, and most travel the road of truth alone. But God sees, knows and rejoices in those who live a life of integrity and maintain ultimate loyalties. He understands because Jesus traveled this road. Many of those who choose the higher road have experienced His sustaining gift of peace that passes understanding. To whom or what are you most loyal?
 

Christian Counseling - 5 Reasons to Celebrate Christmas - Reason One

The Invisible Became Visible

With the birth of Jesus, the invisible (God) made Himself visible in human form. As a result, humankind had the opportunity to experience the character of God in human flesh. Through the accounts of the Gospels, we today have the opportunity to read the words of Jesus during His ministry on Earth and learn from His teachings.

What are you most thankful for about Christmas?

Christian Counseling - Thinking about: "God Told Me!"

Clearly, in scripture we find many who said words similar to "God told me!" Without question, He did speak directly to people and no doubt He could continue to do so, if He so chooses. Today, almost all people who use a phrase like this qualify it by adding something like, "in my heart, not audibly." Indeed, the Holy spirit leads us in many ways--circumstances, the Word, other people and a voice deep within.  Some who don't have that inner sense believe they are missing out on something or that those who do are a little off main street. In truth, there are blessings and problems in the use of this phrase.

What is good is that a part of us concurs with the idea at hand. It provides us with a sense of confidence and increases our faith, both of which are necessary for decision-making. We are also blessed with a conscience that is in agreement, something the Bible tells us to keep clear and not violate. Yet, "God told me" is not without problem.

A woman once told me with firm conviction that God told her to divorce her husband. Yet, she had no biblical grounds for divorce, she was simply unhappy in the marriage and believed God did not want her to be unhappy. I have heard quite a few stories and prayers that claimed to be the voice of God, yet were contrary to biblical reasoning or never materialized, according to the promise. I also found some proclaimers recanted because they realized it was not of God in the first place. Why does this happen? Because feelings, thoughts and beliefs also come from oneself or as a camouflaged temptation from the devil. It is complicated.

Since I believe there are three forces in this universe (God for good, Satan for evil and people who can sway in either direction) every Christian should "test the spirits." Scripture obviously refers to those spirits in others, but it is also about those within ourselves. Within ourselves are conscious and unconscious desires, wishes and needs, whether good or bad. We all need a great amount of self-understanding in order to properly assess the origin of our convictions.

I prefer to say, "I believe God has said to me," which is not a statement of doubt or a sign of a lack of faith, but the result of knowing we are all more than capable of being self-deceived (Jeremiah 37:9; Obadiah 1:3; 2 Timothy 3:13; and Galatians 3:6,7). 

Christian Counseling - Helping Heal The Conflict Between The Ideal & Real Self

Most children have fantasies about who or what they want to be when they grow up--airline pilot, firefighter,owner of their own business, mother, father, pastor, etc. Their real selves need to grow into more of their ideal selves. It is a little conflictual to them that they cannot be that person now.

It is considerably more problematic for people who have not achieved the ideal self they thought they could or should have at their present age. Perhaps they thought they would be smarter, earning more money, kinder, more secure, higher on the ladder of success, freer from sins, married, single, more spiritually-minded, have more friends, etc. The greater the disparity between the ideal and real self the greater the frustration, disappointment, insecurity, guilt, fear and/or poor self-esteem and self-image. This is especially true if a child had been told that he or she could be anything or do anything. What seems to be an encouraging statement is in reality untrue for 99% of the people, for we all have limitations on our energy, intelligence, talents and spiritual gifts, as well as our own interfering, personal problems and time on this earth.

Perfectionists have an even more severe negative reaction to not achieving the ideal self. They, in particular, engage in frequent negative self-statements that ensure their lack of success. Consequently, many try even harder, while some give up in despair. What would God say to us all about managing the conflict between the ideal and real self? At least two things!

First, "Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself?" (Ecclesiastes 7:16). I think we could fittingly exchange the words "righteous" and "wise" for most any other word that would define our ideal selves--rich, happy, loving, etc. His message encourages us to avoid or gain self-control over an ideal self that is unrealistic, excessive and detrimental to our health, even when it involves the pursuit of good things.

Second, God would say that we should not live a laissez-faire manner of life; that is, one who refuses to interfere in the natural course of things and simply lets them be what they are. This is a passive or lazy existence, which perfectionists fear they will live, if they slow down or give up the fight for their ideal self.

What is left is a middle of the road approach to managing the differences between the real and ideal self. This moderate life first requires one to truly accept his or her real self. After all, that is where God begins, in the reality and truth of who one is, not the ideal. The slow, slow journey then continues toward the never-to-be-reached goal of the perfect or ideal self. And that is okay, that the journey is slow and the goal unreachable. As long as we are on the path with God to become more than we are, it is enough. Enough because we can't get to the end, no matter how hard we strive. Enough because God doesn't expect us to reach it and has made provisions for our imperfections. The provisions are grace, mercy, forgiveness, compassion and Christ, which are what He unconditionally gave to every person who turned his or her life over to Him. The old song, "Just As I Am" is a tribute to this reality. We are loved and accepted independent of what we do and who we are. In consideration of these realities, we are already and absolutely freed from our own ideal self that demands we measure up to all of life's have to's, musts and shoulds, but only if we believe it and let ourselves off the hook. God already has! 

Christian Counseling - Loving Discipline

The book of Hebrews states that God disciplines us because He loves us. For many of us, loving discipline is a foreign concept. Perhaps because we were not raised with it. If our parents disciplined out of anger, we may have grown up thinking of discipline and correction as negative. This can impact us as parents. We may either repeat the pattern of our parents and discipline selfishly or angrily, or, in an effort to move away from the example of our parents, we may become too lenient or indulgent.

We are not to shy away from disciplining our children. However, we must ask, is the correction that I am giving for their benefit or mine? Is the rule that I am setting for their benefit or mine? Finally, what will likely happen if I do not address this issue? God disciplines those He loves not for His benefit, but for ours. His correction of us is always appropriate for the issue, and He corrects us to protect us from further harm and to help us to move away from sinful actions.