Christian Counseling: Forgiveness: What Does God Really Say About It?

"God won't forgive me, if I don't always forgive others. Besides, I need to forgive so I can be released from anger." I have repeatedly heard these words from so many Christians, whether in person, in print or in a sermon. Only once have I heard that forgiveness is not absolutely unconditional, and that was from author Gary Chapman in a radio interview with Focus on the Family. It is also fairly briefly mentioned in his book The Five Languages of Apology. I have not heard the same from anyone since.

I have never believed in absolute unconditional forgiveness, nor have I found such in the Bible. Though I admit it sounds so wonderful, I wanted to believe it. And there is a sense of it in that Jesus unconditionally died for our sins, but forgiveness must be appropriated to the individual. What I have found is numerous believers locked into a common pattern of repeatedly forgiving an offender, due to resurfacing and unresolved emotions, such as: strong grief, anger and the sense of injustice. They tell themselves if they truly forgave they shouldn't reexperience negative feelings or thoughts. I agree, true forgiveness emotionally releases one to care for the welfare of the offender. Yet the unwanted feelings keep coming back. The reason they state is that they are human and the right thing to do is forgive again.

Very, very rarely do I find anyone willing to question if that theological belief is correct (truly Scripturally-based and the clear and only intention of God) or responsible for the emotion impasse and conflict of repeated forgivers of the same offense. Only rarely have I found others who deeply research the subject beyond a book or article or two.

There are numerous Bible references regarding forgiveness, which I cannot fully cover here, but I will review a few of the ones that raise questions about the existence of absolute unconditional forgiveness (AUF) (meaning everyone should always forgive every offense, regardless of whether the offender confessed and repented or not):

1. (Deuteronomy 29:20) ‘“The Lord shall never be willing to forgive him... and the Lord will blot out his name from under heaven.”’

2.  (Psalm 109)  It is too long to record here, but the essence is that David does not forgive a friend who turned against him. Instead, he prays for God's vengeance without being remorseful for his attitude or prayer, nor does God challenge him in that regard.

3.  (Jeremiah 18:23) “Yet You, O Lord, know all their deadly designs against me; do not forgive their iniquity or blot out their sin from Your sight.” Jeremiah goes on to ask for specifics regarding their punishment. There is no forgiveness from him or God and He fulfilled the prophet's prayer of vengeance in full, as recorded in subsequent chapters.


 4.  (Matthew 6:15) "'But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.'" This is most frequently used to support AUF. What is often missed by readers is that God is modeling the withholding of forgiveness, proving here God's forgiveness is conditional. It is understood to mean, He refuses to forgive those who have no heart for forgiveness. Why would He ask us to AUF if He doesn't?

5.   (Matthew 12:31) "'but blasphemy against the Holy Spirit shall not be forgiven.'" Some wrongly say this refers to rejection of salvation, but the words are clear in the Greek and English--don't attribute evil to the Holy Spirit who is good, i.e., by calling Him a devil.

6.   (Matthew 18:15-17) ‘“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”’ Where is AUF?


7.  (Luke 17:3,4) ‘“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”’ This is the essence of God's intended process for forgiveness. We always get ready to forgive another's offense, but grant it only when an offender confesses and repents. Otherwise, his sin remains. Is this not what is required of all who come to Jesus for salvation, first, confess one's sins and second, turn away from continuing them? Is anyone forgiven or saved without confession and repentance? Why wouldn't God simply give AUF?

8.  (Revelation 6:10) "'How long, O Lord, holy and true, will You refrain from judging and avenging our blood on those who dwell on the earth?'" The question come from saints, who could be you and I, who were killed during the great tribulation (7:13,14) and stand in heaven before Jesus and the Father and eagerly ask for vengeance. Again, where is AUF? God doesn't expect it from the saints, nor does He give it Himself without confession and repentance!

There are many more Biblical references, points and questions that can be raised. Such as, if one righteously withholds forgiveness, how does he or she then manage grief and anger without it being harmful? The answer to this and other questions is offered in a more detailed article on forgiveness that can be found in our Shop on the cccrd.com website entitled, Theologies That Wound:  A Study of Biblical Forgiveness (25 pages).

Christian Counseling: Do You Believe In The Human Unconscious?

Most every driver has experienced the action of an altered state of mind. Many times over the decades of driving my car I have traveled a few blocks while so engaged in thought I didn't recall doing the driving.  I've asked myself: "How did I safely get through those last two lights without an accident? Who drove the car because it was not my conscious mind?" It's scary and feels a little like being out of control when it's critical to be consciously in control. The same unconscious part can take over when doing routine activities, such as mowing a lawn or washing dishes. Sometimes we attempt to complete a task and discover it's all ready done, and may vaguely remember doing it. Other times people tell us we said things that we swear we would or could never have said, but find we did. And, of course, there is the proverbial "slip of the tongue." The obvious answer to understanding how these things happen is that another part of us takes charge that speaks and finishes tasks. That part is the unconscious.

A parallel to the unconscious is the reality of a spiritual world. We cannot perceive that world through our five senses, which is unconscious to us, yet, as Christians, we know another entire world of spirits think, feel and act. The goal in insight-oriented counseling is to make conscious the unconscious. Similarly, our spiritual goal is to make visible the unseen world of spirituality or to bring heaven down to earth.

What is the unconscious? It is part of our mind and body that houses information. It is a bank where we deposit facts and memories that we do not want to remember because they are too fearful, shameful or guilty, for example. In that part of ourselves we cut off from consciousness wishes, impulses, fantasies, experiences and conflicted emotions, such as rage or overwhelming grief. We also have a preconscious (like a hard drive on a computer, we can search and bring up stored information, such as your cell phone number). There are moments where there is an attempted conscious interchange between consciousness and unconsciousness. When people receive thrillingly good news or catastrophically tragic news they are temporarily caught between the maneuvering conscious mind who momentarily accepts the news and in the next moment disbelieves it in an attempt to place it in the unconscious by denying its reality.

I do not believe that we were created with a divided mind; with separate conscious and unconscious parts. This was created by humans after the Fall when sin, fear, doubt, insecurity, etc. entered our awareness. It is a human adaptation to the evil in oneself and the world. It is a defense mechanism. It helps a young, powerless child cope with things like physical or sexual abuse. But the problem of the unconscious occurs later when it secretly and negatively influences the grown child's thoughts, feelings and behaviors and distorts present realities by blending the past with the present.

Does the Bible say anything about the human unconscious? Yes, indirectly it points to its existence. It reveals the idea that some of our thoughts, feelings and actions are separate from another part of us; that a gulf exists in us that keeps separate certain realities:

1. The heart is more deceitful than all else...who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
2. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. (Romans 7:20)
3. Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults. (Psalm 19:12. Also see Leviticus 5:2. These verses refer to not only to sins one didn't know are wrong, but to ones he or she knows are wrong and didn't know he or she committed. It is possible this could refer to faults that we hide from ourselves.)
4.  Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (Psalm 51:6)
5. But let it be the hidden person of the heart... (1 Peter 3:4)
6. Then God said to him in a dream... (Genesis 20:6)

Do you believe the mind is divided and that we all  have an unconscious? If so, what do you know about how it influences your life today? What do you believe God wants you to do about your unconscious, especially in light of verses that express His desire, such as, "'For nothing is hidden that will not become evident, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light.'" (Luke 8:17) Do you desire truth in the inner most being?

Christian Counseling: Knowing God

Richard Cecil, an Anglican clergyman in the 1700's and 1800's, aptly said, "The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant." I would add, "and that we remain more ignorant than knowledgeable throughout our lives, despite whatever knowledge we have acquired."  The wisest man on earth, besides Jesus (who was also God), was Solomon who admitted to his own limitations in Ecclesiastes 7:23-24: "I tested all this with wisdom, and I said, 'I will be wise,' but it was far from me. What has been is remote and exceedingly mysterious. Who can discover it?" This is true not only of wisdom, but any body of knowledge including knowing the Person of God.

Paul Tillich, a twentieth century theologian and philosopher, penned the phrase, "God beyond God." This presents to us the idea that whatever image we have conceived or developed about the Person of God, there is more, far more, infinitely more. After all, God is infinite and no one can grasp infinity but God Himself. The far greater number of His thoughts, judgments and behaviors are beyond us. One of understanding will eventually come to admit we humans all live a life largely in ignorance of who God is. What we largely know of Him is contained in the limited, approximately 1600 pages of Biblical revelation, which is coupled with our interpretation, imagination and wish.

The ultimate reality of God or the correct image of Him will not be understood this side of heaven, and I wonder if we will ever fully and completely know Him. I wonder if the angels have discovered and experienced new thoughts, emotions and understandings about God as the result of their observing His creating and interacting with human beings. I image that to be the case. I image that in the timeless world of heaven, God will forever be revealing Himself. I image that the wonderful and exciting path of searching out the Person of God will forever remain part of His amazing glory (Proverbs 25:2).

How do we discover who God is? Of course we study the Bible, in depth. We dialogue with God--we speak, He listens and He speaks, we listen (prayer). He lives in Christians, therefore, through one another's behavior, attitude and words we can often see God. We discover Him in nature and all His creation as Romans chapter one tells us. We discover Him by raising unending, hard, unusual and perhaps scary questions and seeking to answer them as best we can. We use our minds and imaginations to piece together disparate events and decisions of God to formulate an impression of His character and learn as we attempt to forecast some future events or actions of God. You can also ponder the process you went through in getting to know someone special and how they got to know you and then apply it your relationship with God. Finally, let the Holy Spirit lead you into all truth. Ultimately, your God beyond God or image of Him will be unique, different than anyone else. Collectively, our images, if we could blend them, would be closer to the true Person of God, so do not be quick to dismiss other's images, but first get to know and consider them.

If ever you find yourself thinking something like, I know the vast majority of things about the Person of God, know that you can add to your self-understanding, the capacity to be self-deceived. There exists a world, no an ending universe of truth about the nature and Person of God. See what you can find. In so doing you will likely find your relationship with Him energized by having a deeper connection to Him, greater trust and faith in His unfailing goodness toward you, an unbreakable emotional bond and a calm and peace that passes understanding.

Christian Counseling: Why Teens and Twenties Are Leaving Church

You may recall the legend of "The Wandering Jew" who made insulting comments to Jesus while carrying His cross and who was subsequently cursed to wander the earth until the second coming. Today, there are many, many wandering Christians who have left the traditional, organized church in search of an alternative church. Each year one million born-again Christians become wanderers, according to Barna research.

David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group headed a five-year study to determine why those 15 years of age to early twenties were leaving church permanently or for an extended period of time. His findings are reported in his book, "You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving Church and Rethinking Church."

Three of five teens and young adults leave the church for a variety of reasons. Kinnaman's research suggested six reasons for their long temporary or permanent departure.

1. Christians are overprotective - "demonize everything outside of the church" and over concerned about the harm caused by movies, music and video games.

2. The Christian experience is shallow - church is boring, faith not relevant to living, and God is missing from church.

3. Churches are antagonistic to science - they perceive Christians as out of step with science or anti-science.

4. The churches teachings on sexuality is simplistic and judgmental - no practical advice on how to live up to expectations of chastity or purity, especially since marriage is often delayed to the later twenties.

5. Christianity is too exclusive - they are close-minded, intolerant and unaccepting of those who are different than themselves, which puts a wedge between them and other races, religions and sources of authority, etc.

6. Church is unfriendly to those who have doubts - it is not okay to express doubts or ask challenging questions. They don't feel safe addressing their most pressing issues regarding their faith.

I wonder if you have experienced any of those concerns yourself? Any suggestions for resolution?    

Christian Counseling: One View Of A Man's Heart

The poet, Don Blanding, wrote these revealing words of a man's struggle with two selves at war with each other. This man in the poem is led by his flesh and not the Spirit, yet it helps us understand what many men battle within themselves and yields insights about how to talk to them about the alternative of Christ who can help calm the two spirits. 




How very simple life would be
If only there were two of me
A Restless Me to drift and roam
A Quiet Me to stay at home.
A Searching One to find his fill
Of varied skies and new found thrill
While sane and homely things are done
By the domestic Other One.

And that's just where the trouble lies;
There is a Restless Me that cries
For chancy risks and changing scene,
For arctic blue and tropic green,
For deserts with their mystic spell,
For lusty fun and raising Hell,

But shackled to that Restless Me
My Other Self rebelliously
Resists the frantic urge to move.
It seeks the old familiar groove
That habits make. It finds content
With hearth and home — dear prisonment,
With candlelight and well-loved books
And treasured loot in dusty nooks,

With puttering and garden things
And dreaming while a cricket sings
And all the while the Restless One
Insists on more exciting fun,
It wants to go with every tide,
No matter where…just for the ride.
Like yowling cats the two selves brawl
Until I have no peace at all.

One eye turns to the forward track,
The other eye looks sadly back.
I'm getting wall-eyed from the strain,
(It's tough to have an idle brain)
But One says "Stay" and One says "Go"
And One says "Yes," and One says "No,"
And One Self wants a home and wife
And One Self craves the drifter's life.

The Restless Fellow always wins
I wish my folks had made me twins.




Some questions to ponder:


What do you think and feel after reading the poem?


Do some women feel similarly? If so, how is it different than men?


What is it that men really desire underneath the obvious (inner peace and enjoyment of life)?  Below the surface of restlessness could be such things as the desire or need for adventure, exploration, knowledge, security or connection with God.


In what ways do you struggle with two or more selves opposed to each other? This is something with which we all have difficulty and it is often spoke of as a war between flesh and spirit, yet there is more. Psychologically we all have a few divisions of personality, such as the outgoing me and the reserved me, or the happy, carefree one and the more melancholy one, the ideal and the real, etc.  

Christian Counseling: Don't Worry, Be Happy

In 1988, Bobby McFerrin released this catchy song, having a simple, clear and encouraging message--"Don't Worry, Be Happy." It ends with, "Don't worry, it will soon pass whatever it is. Don't worry, be happy. I'm not worried." All of us wish for a guarantee that no matter what bad things come our way they would pass and always leave the door of happiness wide open and us with a smiley face. In some Christian circles, there are those that posit those kinds of thoughts in a spirit of a guarantee. 


I am referring to unfounded, romantic-sounding statements like: we, as Christians, should always be happy because we are so blessed, or we should never be lonely because we know God and He lives within us, or we don't need to be angry, fearful, insecure, anxious, etc. because Jesus gives us His peace and God is in control, and, lastly, God is in control, so anything that happens is His will. (I'll support my criticism in a moment.)


The truth is we Christians have very much to be happy about (the comforting presence of God, guidance of the Holy Spirit, a hope of a sure future in heaven, forgiveness, grace, the Bible, mercy, and the list could go on and on). But it is another matter to suggest or imply we should only be happy and avoid life's problems and troubles by conjuring up simplistic nonsense that ultimately leads to injury and unresolvable conflict. I write these things because any untruth wounds, leads people astray and opens one up to the possibility of a spiritual crisis of faith, i.e., through disappointment. False beliefs, even ones that make us temporarily feel better, are like quicksand in that they steal the life from us and have the ability to do the same to others who are in earshot of those tempting proclamations. 


Consider the numerous distortions of biblical truth that must precede the belief in those unfounded, romantic-sounding statements: 
1.  All of creation groans (Romans 8:22,23).
2.  The promises and blessings of God do make life easier and happier, but they are not meant to be the absolute antidote to troubled feelings and painful trials.
3.  If we should never be lonely because we have a relationship with God, why did God say to Adam it was not good for him to be alone (Genesis 2:18)? Adam walked with God! The truth is this world is not our home, we are strangers and sojourners on this earth (1 Peter 2:11). Heaven is our only home. Therefore, loneliness is a part of life for all of us.
4. Some like to think Jesus was always cool, calm and collected; that nothing ruffled his feathers. Those people also think if we have God in our lives that nothing should really bother us and if it does, it is only an issue of too little faith or immaturity. Do they forget Jesus was a suffering servant who stormed the temple with a whip, asked how long He had to put up with the disciples, was deeply troubled by the spiritually destructive Pharisees and anxious in the Garden before His arrest (hematidrosis- sweating blood due to severe mental stress)? How about Paul who revealed his fears? Do they forget the Holy Spirit grieves (in the Greek, has pain)? Having perfect peace and love does not mean we don't suffer, sometimes significantly, from anger, fear and other inner turmoil. 
5. If God is in control of everything and nothing happens outside His will, why does Ephesians 4:30 say, "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God"? According to the belief, we must see this verse as supporting a troubling thought, that God grieves Himself. Also, we know God is not the author of sin. Sin is never what He wants in this world. It only happens contrary to His will. He is sovereign, but not in control of everything, such as our freewill.


The thought, "Don't worry, be happy," can encourage us to look at the positives in life, especially during difficult times, but as an absolute, it only works in the world where the heavens and earth are restored and God does away with pain (Revelation 22:1-4). The latter is a truth you can depend on. It gives me a smiley face.

Christian Counseling: A New Look At Taking The Lord's Name in Vain

Is there anyone in America who is not somewhat familiar with the ten commandments? I suppose such a person would be hard to find. Exodus 20 reveals those commands, the third of which says, "'You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.'"


The common application is that we don't curse saying G.. D... or use use His name--God or Jesus or Jesus Christ--to express angry or negative emotions or even to express surprise ("O my God!"). To some the latter may seem innocent, but if you understand what is behind why God included this commandment in the Ten, it won't seem innocent anymore. Further, there is another application of misuse or vanity in using the name of Jesus worth great consideration. But before I speak about that take a quick look at the Hebrew understanding of the command.

In the Hebrew, the word "take" means to lift up, magnify or extol, which is a sign of respect for something or someone important and special. The word "name" refers to one's fame, honor and character. And "vain" means to use something in a destructive, useless or deceptive way. Said differently, we are not to uselessly, destructively or deceptively magnify any name or the fame or character of the supreme God of the universe.

There are quite a few occasions when I hear Christians using His name in vain in a way they think and often the hearers think is honoring Him. For example, is it not an issue of misuse, vanity, uselessness or deception when people say things like: "Jesus is the answer to every question and every problem...Only Jesus can heal...Jesus is all we need" or saying, "God bless you" to one in need and where no action is taken on behalf of that individual? Let's get realistic. The individual and his or her thought processes, beliefs and faith are interactive with the work of God. It is most often Jesus and our faith, for example. That's why Jesus couldn't do many miracles in His own hometown. Also, people find some healing in secular counseling and medicine and Jesus isn't going to solve my garbage disposal problem. Almost never does God go against the laws of nature and never against true knowledge, but encourages our getting understanding and wisdom. He expects us to participate in life and our future by cultivating these because they help us know what we are responsible for and how to handle situations that can add years to our lives, as Proverbs tells us. Again, it is most often Jesus and us. That is honest and not a deceptive and romantic portrayal of God who does everything and is the answer for everything. In my opinion, this does not diminish the power or glory of God, but adds to our understanding of our place and the part He expects us to take in the world.

I'll use my name to demonstrate the effect of misusing some one's name in a positive way and a negative way. You can replace it with your own name or the name of a loved one to see how it might feel. If every time a person was angry, hurt, afraid, etc., they said derogatorily, "Oh, Frank Mancuso." If you didn't know me, what would you associate with my name? Something negative at least and you would likely develop an insensitivity to my name. In other words, it wouldn't mean much to you over time. It would lose it's intended good feel and it's usefulness.This is what happens when we misuse His name in whatever form it takes. We make His name common, thereby reducing it's effect and power in the hearers. It's a matter of impugning one's reputation by association. In time, associating a "good name" with a negative emotion separates the "good" from the "name".

On the other hand, if people go about telling others I, as a counselor, am the answer to every one's problemed personality or marriage, that I perform miracles in counseling and there is absolutely no one better, what will those false and deceptive statements do to my clients in the end? I love Coke, but there is only one "real thing"--the truth. Either way, if my name is used in the spirit of a fairy tale or derogatorily, it would hurt me and the hearers of such.

There are further consequences of misusing God's name through overstating the work or fame of God. Non-Christians, as well as Christians, experience disappointment, disillusionment, broken trust and sometimes a crisis of faith when God doesn't live up to the romantic claims of who people say He is or what He does. It tarnishes His name, makes Him appear unreliable and unloving and, overall, gives Him a bad rap.

Consider this quote from Benjamin Disraeli who was an 1800's British Prime Minister, "Favor or disappointment has been often conceded, as the name of the claimant has affected us; and the accidental affinity or coincidence of a name, connected with ridicule or hatred, with pleasure or disgust, has operated like magic."

We all would do well to be cautious about when and how we use the sacred names of God. Anyone who cares about himself or herself will do whatever is necessary to protect their good name, so is God by His command.

What do you think?

Christian Counseling: A Spiritual Time Out for Adults

When you hear the words "time out" you may think about a child who needs to calm down and/or be disciplined. It is good to take a child out of the usual activities and sit him or her down in a chair to learn about quiet and be alone with his or her thoughts. Though adults on occasion need a time out when their emotions run high, this writing is not about that. It is about adults' need to cease from life as usual, which could easily include Sundays when the activities of daily life go on (chores and church). I can imagine some readers saying, "Uhuh, I don't have enough time to do all I am supposed to, let alone take some me time." This blog is especially for you.

It is so very easy to get caught up in the demands of necessary activities that we lose ourselves and abandon our priorities to task-oriented living. Perhaps we should reframe that and say task-oriented "bondage" because that is not living. Toil has a slow and sneaky way of tempting us and grabbing hold of us, while our adrenaline pushes us to do more and more until we are surprised by the quick passage of years and the reality of being trapped, like Marley and Scrooge in the Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol.

In the story, Marley had already died. But in a vision Scrooge saw Marley carrying the chains that he bore in life--caring for the have to's of business and not attending to the real business of caring for people. However, Scrooge was given a time out. He had the opportunity of changing his ways by visiting Christmas past, present and future. He saw the way his life started out and how he intended it to be. He was also given understanding about the realities of life in the here and now (the suffering of Tiny Tim and family). But it wasn't until he saw his own gravestone that his heart gave way to dying to his old ways, while begging for a chance to change his future. This he did by taking one step at a time in a different direction in the present--the only thing he truly possessed. His time out gave him an opportunity to reconsider whether or not he wanted to continue life as usual.

Like some of the O.T. prophets who were called into the wilderness, Jesus who withdrew to the mountains and Paul who returned to tent making, they had their time outs. What would God say to you if you took just one time out? Would you feel sad about some past dreams that never materialized? Would you be filled with insight about the realities of your present life? Would you want to change your future? Are you living the way you want? Are you living the way He wants? This is what He wants for you--"'Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light'" (Matthew 11:28-30).

Christian Counseling: Fears That Overtake Us

If there is any single word that so corrupts a person other than "sin," it is fear. Fear, as any other feeling, is not a sin, but the decisions we make about handling our fear can be. Too often people fear what others think and what they will do, so they choose not to stand up for what they believe, become silent in their witnesses for Him, and permit others to be harmed, like a child at the hand of an inappropriate parent. Consequently, many will feel some guilt and even direct some anger at themselves for not following their conscience in doing the right thing. But key to these and many other situations is the awesome power and control fear has over people.

I have seen many male and female clients who faint under another's assumed possession of kryptonite, be it their spouse, boss, parent or other authority figure. They want to act in strength and may even fantasize about having superhuman strength when confronting others in their minds, but are weak in the presence of another's felt massive power. The majority of people, especially women, don't want to hurt another person at any cost, so they keep the peace by silently withdrawing and allow the worms of hurt and anger to eat at them, while the tentacles of fear wrap themselves around their tongues, take freedom from their spirits, confidence from their esteem, and joy from their lives. They all know there is something quite wrong about it all, but fear has its way by confusing the mind and numbing the heart, until it becomes a way of life and imprisons.

Overcoming fear is no easy task, but truth, love and relationships, righteousness, and dying to this world are helps of great measure. Truth clarifies, such as lording one's power over another is contrary to Jesus' words. Instead, we are to be servants and mutually submissive to all (Mark 10:42,43; Ephesians 5:21). The love of God and others helps extinguish fear and supports us in cultivating new attitudes and behaviors (I John 4:18). We find power in a righteous purpose that gives us the courage to take some heat, like Jesus suffering for us. And when we are accustomed to dying daily to this life, fear loses its control because if we are not afraid of dying we've mastered the biggest fear of all (I Corinthians 15:31).

In the end, one must be "exposed" to the fear that mercilessly grips them. Bit by bit and experience by experience, through exposure kryptonite loses its power, insights about what underlies fear leads the way to new possibilities and freedom reigns. That is His wish for us all and to that end He is working, every day. Do you know in what ways He is at work in helping you overcome fear? Lastly, team up with two other people who can offer you encouragement and lend their strength until fear submits to you.

Christian Counseling: Heroes and Leadership

Optimus Prime, Xena, Buffy, Spiderman, Princess Leia, Ironman, yes, they are all heroes. Is there any child, along with some adults, who does not at some point idealize a person or Autobot? All of us at one time or another desire, and in some ways need, to look up to someone or something greater than ourselves. It almost seems instinctive. Most children identify with the hero who almost always possesses characteristics, like: courage, strength, fairness and concern or love for others. This seems like a good thing, and certainly is not all bad. But I have a concern that it morphs into the adult version of desiring or needing heroes.

It appears the adult version is desiring more realistic humans who can't transform or cling to a smooth surface, and who eventually physically tire and are unable to win every single battle. They are seen as quasi-superhuman. These adult heroes are given names or titles or their given names are idealized. Contemporary names include: some nicknames, sports figures, doctor, the overused "hero," rabbi, pastor, teacher, leader and even Father. This list is not exhaustive. We could include any name that is accompanied by an attitude or belief that raises the value and importance of a man or woman beyond what is true and wise, beyond the One we call Jesus. Some of these other names are: CEO, chief, Senator and counselor. In biblical times some men's names were lifted up--"I am of Paul..."I am of Apollos" (1 Corinthians 3:4), to which Paul responded by saying they are but servants. Paul planted, Apollos watered, but God grew (:6). Paul says we can follow his (and other men's) example, but we don't extol them to the position of hero, or said differently, people who replace Jesus on some level. And it is right to honor those in positions of responsibility. But there are limitations. In the Old Testament, Israel wanted kings to rule over them, but God didn't want it so. The people pressed the point and God relented, saying the people have rejected Him as King for inferior earthly kings (1 Samuel 8:4-7).

Matthew 23:8-10 tells us not to call others rabbi or teacher or father or leader because "'One is your Leader, that is, Christ.'" There are authors today, with whom I agree, who say there is no biblical mandate, suggestion or even hint there should exist a hierarchy of leadership in the church (by which we identify with a label), for we are all one and equal, though some more talented or differently gifted. Verse 11 goes on to say we are all servants and Ephesians 5:21 unequivocally states mutual submission is the standard by which every Christian lives his or her life in the body of Christ.

First Peter 5:3 says those who lead (however, are not called leaders, but servants, shepherds, overseers, etc.) are not to lord it over others who are in their care. Those who have charge over others are to model their leading by the greatness of serving and by persuasion (Greek - convince. Other similar words are win and urge. Matt. 28:14; 2 Cor. 3:43 and Acts 13:43).

Also, using the word "leadership" is at the very least confusing, if not wrong, because it refers to the state or position of being a leader. Any time we call someone by an elevated name, accompanied by the same attitude of extolling him beyond what is appropriate, we place him between us and God, similar to putting one who hears confession between us and God--Jesus is our only Mediator. God is jealous to keep the honored position of being our One and Only Leader, Teacher, Father and King. It is so easy for young people and children to attribute their desire and need for heroes to men and women. The developmental consequence of that is it seems normal and natural for adults to want their presidents, kings, leaders, etc. In the church, Jesus Christ is The Leader, let it be so.

Christian Counseling: How Important is Illegal Immigration To The Average Citizen?

This writing was prompted by Fox News commentary and an August 29, 2011 article by Edwin Mora of CNSNews who reported Labor Secretary, Hilda Soles, signed an agreement with Mexico, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic and El Salvador giving all immigrants in the U.S. protection from labor abuses. She fully supports legals' and illegals' rights and benefits under that agreement and commented that illegals need not fear reporting employer abuse because they will not be deported.    

The moment the word "illegal," as in illegal immigration, is used it should rightfully stir all to ask questions, especially Christians because it is not just a legal issue, but a moral issue with consequences that run deep for everyone.

Illegal immigration is a touchy topic, subject to many different "politically correct" views, abuses on all sides and extremely relevant for every American citizen. The idea and reasonable practice of immigration brings me joy (my father and about 20 other family members migrated to the US in the early 1900's), giving them, and eventually me, opportunities that did not exist in Italy. On the other hand, illegal immigration, though I care about the plight of refugees and those struggling to eek out an existence elsewhere, brings indignation when I compare them to those who respect our good laws and patiently wade through the citizen application process. Finally, I distrust people in government who violate their pledge--to uphold the laws of the land, such as those relative to illegal immigration.

If people did not have a sin nature, all countries could have an open border policy, perhaps there would not even be any countries, but only one world, one land for all. However, with the presence of evil, no country can permit an open border, whether in law or practice without dire consequences, especially when that country is wealthy and rich in opportunities like America. Of the many consequences of this current administration's practice of implying American's borders are open, here are two of them that concern us all. The first is the freedom of terrorists to cross our borders. I have no doubt those illegal crossings have happened many times in the last several years and even more since 2009 since Obama took office. I believe a good number acts of terrorism will be committed in our country in the coming years, but when it becomes known they were done by illegals, there is going to be an outrage from our citizens that is directed more at our own government than those conspiring terrorist states for allowing politics and so called political correctness to supersede the protection of Americans.

The second concern about the practice of implying we have open boarders is the erosion of values, morals, role models and trust of the American people, as well as the world, toward authority. This may be subtle or it may be obvious to readers, but when authority figures disregard laws, put their own political agenda ahead of the will of the people they swore to serve and act corruptly with impunity it greatly impacts the citizenry. To put it another way, our society has been showing signs of collapse--people who are becoming more suspicious, uncaring, lacking personal boundaries, corrupt, disunited, immoral, angry and hateful, disloyal, ungrateful and lovers of self. If those descriptors sound familiar, many of them are also contained in 2 Timothy 3:1-4 regarding the end of days. This is how cultures and countries fall from within, from moral decay.

Illegal immigration is an important issue even though it is only one of many sensitive issues in our country. Its importance is also recognized in that it not only affects immigrants, but every American citizen in very specific ways--financially (we pay for the increased work required of the Department of Labor to uphold its regulations and agreements), morally (giving all illegal aliens a pass from the law, tempts us to violate laws expecting a similar pass--entitlement), and psychologically (anxiety over the deterioration of our society, as well as the insecurity of our country's future--affecting the business world, unemployment and investments).

It is my hope that all Americans see the personal relevance in every issue that faces our nation, and then asks themselves, "What am I willing to do to help protect me and my loved ones' future, as well as America's future?" The first step is to be informed.

Christian Counseling: Church: Sunday Morning Praise, Worship and Dissimulation

Praise and worship of God is the order for Sunday mornings and really anytime for those devoted to God. Those who are His, know He is the only One worthy of our adoration. The church is ordained by Him and is special enough to be called His bride. Its value is unmatched, except by God Himself. Yet, according to George Barna research, with 10's of millions of born-again Christians who have left the tradition or institutional church and the million or so that is added to their ranks each year, not all is well, far from it. In truth, the crumbling state of our contemporary church is a dead serious issue and should have denominations quaking in their pulpits.

On any given Sunday morning in most any institutional church, the people enter a building with smiles, engage in a round of greetings and perhaps a couple of brief, positive conversations. They sit passively in their pews and follow the bulletin that outlines the upbeat, corporate service that often begins with a hymn, then perhaps announcements, a second, superficial greeting of those sitting close by, Bible reading, prayers, offering, sermon and other activities often led by a sole leader. At the conclusion, the smiles continue as some make a beeline for the parking lot, some have a couple more brief, positive conversations, and a few discuss church business or follow up previous talks that have a modicum of depth.

Below the surface a lot more is going on. But to see it one has to, and I'll date myself, "Put on your thinking cap!" What is going on? What is missing from the above Sunday morning example? What are you missing in your church experience. Of course, there are individual services, as well as periods of time, where all seems well and one is happy with the way things are going when church is assembled. But that will not last, especially as one gets older, becomes spiritually mature and is better informed.

Before getting to what is missing, it is necessary to understand what else is going on. It is dissimulation. It means concealing or disguising one's thoughts, feelings or character. I am not saying there are no genuine smiles or that every single person conceals everything. But the majority of people in the majority of American churches do conceal their negative thoughts, feelings and characteristics. Dissimulation seems to have become a way of life for most Christians in our country. For them there exist subjects, experiences, truths and realities that are off limits in conversation with each other and in which prayer requests long ago morphed into "unspoken" requests (though on rare occasion they are warranted). Examples of taboo subjects include: anger, fear, money, sex, spiritual questions, doubts, and boredom, marital and family conflicts, anxiety, depression, and especially and foremost avoided are those things having to do with one's own sin nature. An example of such would be the rampant porn addiction that affects leaders and laity alike. The result of dissimulation is manifold and, I believe, connected to why so many are leaving the institutional church.

Dissimulation misses and ignores the present imperative, requiring "confessing your sins to one another" portion of James 5:16. I have little doubt the idea of confessing to others strikes fear into a lot of people. Many will claim there are a thousand roadblocks (containing some mixed faulty and truth-filled thinking) to doing it, like: I only need to confess to God, God is in control of everything, no guarantee of confidentiality, concern with what others will think, being judged, fear of rejection, loss of position in church, difficulty with humbling oneself, etc. The price to pay is too high, fear is too strong and no one is going to be the voluntary guinea pig. This resistant thinking is friends with a lifestyle of "play it safe," which is the opposite of the courage God expects in living for Him, even to the extent of losing one's life. Christian's safety resides in the next life, not this one.

Some will say, "Well you can't have confession on Sunday mornings in a large crowd of people." Really, can't? It's not the first place to start, but...  Some may continue to say, "You can have the openness in a mini-church" (or other small group). Speaking to these small groups, save a few, experiencing some minor depth of mutual self-revelation can seem monumental and feel sufficient, so there is the temptation to leave it there and not push the envelope. Of course, any beginning is good, but it is only a beginning. Most don't know and have not experienced a group unmasking that, if properly handled, leads to church as God intends.  

Christians who engage in dissimulation quash the Holy Spirit, cannot offer genuine relationships or participate in authentic community. They cannot experience the depth of full acceptance, belonging, or unconditional love, except to a limited degree. The Holy Spirit is relegated to a few peeps and scripture is applied only to what the individual allows or the corporate body permits, and that, without the necessary and intended checks and balances created by God that should exist in the church; that is, in part, the voices of everyone contributing to the building up of the church rather than the voices of a leader or two. That's what it takes to grow oneself and the church--a plurality of relationships. Every church body has a form of personal relationships and a general sense of  community, but today most all are far, far from His design. As a professional counselor, I believe that at the root of most non-biological mental illnesses is the inadequacy of past and present relationships. Church is meant by God to be the healing force, first to its own members and second to the the world (by our inviting example) to come and find rest from their burdens and pains of life in an environment of life-giving support and nurture.

The alternative to concealing oneself is mutual self-revelation, that is what James 5:16 is partly about--being open, honest and truthful in living one's life out in the open, just as the Bible openly displays its characters. Consider this partial Facebook posting I recently read:

              Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer,                                  
                   Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was
                   moody, Moses stuttered...


And we could easily add to that list other far from perfect, biblical characters. Why does God display the dark side of these men and women? Because that is the example of how we are all to live - in the open, not hidden lives; revealing and not cutting off despicable parts of ourselves. We are not different from one another, we all have a living, active and treacherous sin nature. Why do many Christians agree with that, but publicly act as if that nature was dormant?

For those of you who feel compelled to defend the church from these words, I feel as you, but I will not hide from a discussion of the problems, nor from people, historically and contemporarily, who have incorporated secular principles from culture, religion and business and transformed the church into something unbiblical, especially when I so frequently hear from and see in my clients the silent pain of spiritual crisis and the suffering that results from the repression of feelings and thoughts, from a lack of deep, genuine, healthy spiritual relationships and from the absence of the powerful healing force of authentic community where Christ truly has first place.

I want to see the church thrive, not just try to survive. At this unique time in America, Christians everywhere need to engage in discussion about what church is, means, how it functions and what God is saying to the church today. Seismic activity has hit the church and hurricane winds are threatening (at the time of this writing, the East Coast has had both within a couple of days). Shall we heed the signs and fiercely march toward changing what we can or just hunker down and hope God and others will take care of it all?

What can you do? Here are a couple of starting places.
1. Talk to your small group about the in's and out's of unmasking and self-revelation. First, be informed yourself.
2. Determine you are going to reveal some aspects of yourself, for starters, despite whether or not others agree to do the same. Educate them on what is and is not helpful to you regarding their responses.
3. Form a discussion group of three or more people and study and talk about church, or to say it differently, discuss with each other what you want to give and receive from your group.
4. Consider study materials, such as the writings of: Frank Viola, Neil Cole, Melt Rodriguez, and Tony and Felicity Dale. I warn you that if you are open to what they have to say and ponder it as you look at scripture, you will not be the same.

Christian Counseling - Boundaries of Giving

On our Facebook page (Christian Counseling & Relationship Development, The Center for) I post "A DAILY SLICE OF LIFE." Today's quote and comment is about giving as an antidote to coveting. There are many, many good things that can be said about giving. But, of necessity, we all should ask, "Can giving ever be the wrong?"

Certainly, you will find little to nothing written or spoken about the cons of giving, be it time, talent or material goods. After all, we are told to freely give because we have freely received. We are to give to him who asks and not refuse a borrower. Scripture glorifies the widow's mite, giving all she had. In Acts, we find the early church shared all their goods with each other. And Jesus gave to and encouaged giving to the poor. He even gave the ultimate, His life, for our reconciliation with God. How could anyone ever discourage giving or charge a giver with guilt? It appears giving is always in season in every situation, and, if our feelings are uncooperative, we are pelted with criticisms of being selfish.

But that is not the end of the story. Consider just a few verses and views:

1. "Do not give what is holy to dogs" or "throw your pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6).
2. Jesus did not often give the plain truth, but spoke in parables. He said to his disciples that the knowledge of the mystery of the kingdom of heaven was granted to them, but not to others (Mark 4:11,12).
3. "...if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either" (2 Thessalonians 3:10). We don't give food (or money or anything) to just anyone because he or she does not have it.
4. God does not give us everything we ask for, unless it is according to His will (Mark 6:23). In like fashion, we do not give just anything to anyone who asks.
5. Do we not use discernment in giving? Do we not validate the integrity of a person and his or her need before giving? In tithing, do we not first check out the credibility of a Christian organization (i.e., ministrywatch.com) and insist that a high percentage (about 80%) of every donation go directly to the needy?

Life is complex and so is every situation, even the act of giving. God expects us to be thinkers, to ask questions, seek the deeper truth and not settle for the ease of simplicity.







 

Christian Counseling - Writer's uh...mmm...Block or...?

A little word of caution! This blog does not contain my usual content and its style is uncharacteristic.

At mid-morning I began to write a blog for today. It is now 1 p.m. Writer's block? Yea! There are dozens of reasons for blocking. Mine? Well, today it's about the vestige of perfectionism that slyly rose out of bed with me, secretly drank an energy drink and turned into the likeness of a Tasmanian devil (Tas). Nothing was good enough to write about today, much to his glee and my groans!

Sometimes I secretly wish I was a little (more?) on the narcissistic side because everything I would write would be just great. In that vein, I might even agree that "Life is a bowl of cherries." But I know the Tas would be quick to point out the pesticides on the cherries, the stem is inedible, somewhere in the world there are sweeter ones, and one could choke and die on a pit. At these times, what I wouldn't give to have the problem written in Proverbs 21:2, "Every man's way is right in his own eyes..." How happy, at least for a little while, is one who is blind and ignorant and possesses a massive array of psychological defenses. One of the negative consequences of knowing psychology is that it is very difficult for me to put my defenses to good use without me knowing what I am really doing.

Okay, so where is this going? Well, I cautioned you. So, what is right in your eyes; what do you think? Is this writing about one take on writer's block, a simple slice of humor, about nothing in particular, or is it about a blank slate onto which you can project your own meaning? Of course, the answer lies in the uh...the...title, well, it also has some attempted humor and it's a blank slate too. Heck, if you cracked a smile, I am happy. Just consider this a mini vacation, unlike how my day is going.

Christian Counseling - So Little Time, So Much To Do!

Who hasn't wished for more time in the day or a week? If we, like the Beatles, had "Eight Days A Week" and if we, like them, could spent it on a "want to" like love or something pleasurable instead of a "have to" like a chore, perhaps we would all wholeheartedly agree with the catchy clothier saying, "Life is good."

However, we know the problem is not time, but rather things like: management of time, high expectations,  perfectionism, a hurry up driver, fear of making mistakes, having too many interests, faulty beliefs, difficulty making decisions, attention deficit, expressing and maintaining personal boundaries, and not planning, setting goals, asserting and delegating. Generally, one of the main problems is not saying "No!" to a request for one's time. Saying "Yes!" prevents a person from feeling guilty and self-imposing a negative evaluation of being selfish. Saying "Yes!" often enough leads some into a life of resignation or giving in in order to please others at one's own expense. Eventually, many people get stuck in these conflicted thoughts and feelings, which take on a life of their own.

Some attempt to solve the problem by taking a cognitive or intellectual approach by signing up for a time management course. Though this can be helpful and should be looked at as one of many things needed to be addressed, by itself it will likely fail many because it doesn't sufficiently consider and remedy the emotional side of the problem. Gaining self-understanding and seeking knowledge and wisdom through prayer and the help of others is necessary to quiet the frustration of so little time, so much to do. Ironically, in spite of all the world's inventiveness, time has become more precious than ever and, I predict, the sense of not having enough of it will only get worse in the future. Therefore, the time to act is now.

Christian Counseling - Who Gets The Best Of Your Love?

In my opinion, the best rendition of the song "Best Of My Love" was released in 1974 by the Eagles. The melody is as sad and captivating as are the lyrics--"Here in my heart, I give you the best of my love...But we both see it slippin' away." This is the paragon that highlights what most people believe love is...a feeling. But, it is a feeling that rises up and can evaporate like the morning dew, despite one's best attempt to love well.

Fairy tales from romantic novels and movies promote the idea that the only human love that exists is the feeling one. It is the one that supposedly keeps people together forever because the feelings are so powerful and special. There is not one doubt in me that it is awesome and even extremely helpful in bonding and attachment. But it is only a "part" of love, and it fades over times. At some point, most ask, "Is that all there is? Isn't there something more?" It happens for a thousand reasons, one of which is the love hormone (oxytocin) stops being produced after about 17 months. People then discover that love, like any other feeling, is fickled. It feverishly flies, fearfully flounders and faithfully falls. While romantic love gets seriously challenged, the bonding action of it helps hold people together. But that is most often not enough. The Greek word used in the Bible used for this type of love is "phileo," which refers to feelings of affection.

We are fortunate that God tells us there is another love that is higher than phileo, and He has demonstrated that love toward His Son, Jesus, and to all humanity in sending Him to earth. We need to grasp and religiously practice what the Bible refers to as "agape" love. This is the love that goes on further than the Energizer Bunny, for it does last forever. It won't run out of energy because it is not about feelings. It is about an irretractable, binding commitment or covenant that is based on a decision of the mind and an exercise of the will; it's a head thing, not a heart thing. Thus, agape love is beyond the influence and control of everything and everyone outside of the person who loves and even the object of love, regardless of his or her behavior.

If you, by virtue of practice, possess the greatest form of love, agape, and center it in all your relationships, then everyone fortunate enough to be a part of your world is getting the best of your love.

Christian Counseling - The Sense of Community Lights The Way

In the 80's, President George H. W. Bush spoke about a "thousand points of light," which referred to the many people who's beacons shine because of their societal contributions. Acts such as these give the world another reason to believe in America's great and generous spirit and help solidify its exceptionalism. People's light inspire others to similar action in their communities and/or serve as an attraction beckoning people to come and live in the Land of the Free.

As Christians, we are given the honored title and responsibility of being the "light of the world." In a world that's dark, light attracts. What light attracts the most? There is nothing like the light of genuine community. A diverse group of people who are unified by love around spiritual truths and the wondrous presence of God. Unfortunately, this is not the state of the institutional church in America who has lost sight of true community, but seems to be the property of only a few small groups. The powerful and telling words of Jesus reflect the importance of community in His priestly prayer in John 17:23, "I in them and You in Me, that they [Christians] may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me." Christians in genuine community are the spiritual thousand points of light.

A genuine community is open (not reserved in the give and take of love, honest criticism and deep self-disclosure), accepting (without condition, despite being so different in looks, customs and beliefs--there's ample room for individuality), a place of unique belonging (we are family. As Jesus said, family is no longer about biology, but spirituality-- Matthew 12:46-50), committed to God and one another (like the strong unconditional covenant God makes with us and exemplified in the relationship between Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18:1 and 2 Samuel 1:26 and other verses interspersed between them). The focus of such a group is on the here-and-now; that is, the relationships between self, God and others who are present. Group tasks and book studies, etc. can distract people from the primary focus of relationships that are happening in the room. Harmony, safety and love rule in genuine community, even when they are in conflict. Such people don't just showcase the sense of community, they live it with each other, out in the open. Who wouldn't be attracted to that?

Are you in a genuine community of believers who shine like this to each other and those outside? Don't settle  for less. Find, create or reform a group (with a couple of others) and develop that community. Jesus wants it and every person needs it. It starts with one person who is willing to live the life. Is that you?

Christian Counseling - "The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself"

In the America of 2011, fear is an ever-present emotion for many. Fear is an equal opportunity offender. It can impact young and old, rich and poor. What do we have to fear? Well, for many, their fears are economic in nature. For others, their fears are about people we love who are in harms way in far off lands.

Whatever the nature of the fear, its effects on us are similar. Perhaps the worst effects are the feelings of impending dread as well as loss of control. As the fear grips us, we feel less and less in control of our lives. The feared situation and object seems to grow in size as we spend more and more time ruminating on it. As it grows, we feel more and more powerless against it.

The problem with the fear of a future event or possibility is that, since it has not yet come to pass, there is very little we can do in the present to deal with an event that has not happened yet. For example, many people today are concerned with losing their job. In this case, the fear is likely worse than the reality. Think about this for yourself. If you actually lost your job, you would wake up the next day, the sun would still rise, your family would still be there, and you would begin to cope. You would call people you know to begin networking. You might start sending out resumes. Certainly some of the things you would do after losing a job you could do now if you fear losing a job. In fact, it is helpful when you are fearful of something to examine whether there is something you can do today to help loosen the grip of fear.

There is a limit to what we can do today to prepare for something that might happen later. A wise person once told me that if what we feared actually came to pass, we would likely handle the dreaded event better than we handle the fear of the possibility of the event. Finally, I don't mean this next statement to sound trite. Remember that the God we worship is much bigger and more powerful than the whatever we fear. Join me in spending time in His word to gain a deeper understanding of not only His great power, but also His great love for us His children. God bless you as you work to conquer whatever fears grip you.

Christian Counseling - What Drives People Back To Porn Use?

The information in this blog comes from my counseling experience and not research.

It is tragic that many Christians view pornography on the Internet. Its incidence has increased for many reasons, including a growing amount of content that is offered for free, which eliminates credit card use and protects the viewer's anonymity. It is an epidemic, even in Christian circles, even among our leaders.

The timeline from occasional use of porn to addiction is most often short, but is sometimes not discernible because it occurs instantaneously. Some indicators of porn addiction include: a negatively altered user's life, secrets and lies that hide the truth, and a person who weekly (an approximate, not a fixed time) yields to the compulsion to look for sexual excitement.

The factors that attract and drive men and women back to porn use again and again are many. Christians understand one's sin nature pulls people to do things their minds and part of their hearts know is wrong and don't want to do (Romans 7). Some stop their analysis there, make confession and pray they won't succumb again. That formula, though necessary and a part of recovery, by itself is rarely successful. What many fail to deeply understand is that we are also human and there are many psychological drivers of porn use.

My counseling experience has shown me that central to the human side of every person's occasional use or addiction is the need for more and/or different relational connections. Here are three of several emotions that are very frequently attached to relational connection needs--loneliness, anger and anxiety. To better understand their relationship consider porn use as a relational connection via sex. Consider also porn use as a way to reduce the misery of those three feelings, which are almost always connected to people. We are lonely for people. We get angry with people. And we feel anxious about our relationships with others--what they think, feel and might say or do to us. If we don't work these things out directly with others, we leave ourselves vulnerable to unhealthy alternative ways of connecting with others and things (food, shopping) that can become addictive. These alternatives provide only temporary comfort by reducing the strength of negative emotions, like the three mentioned above.

The solution to the psychological side of porn use is to review one's quality and quantity of relationships and compare them to one's desires and fantasies (comparing the real to the ideal). The discrepancy between them should be minimal. Also, turning toward other people, as well as God, to meet underlying, previously mentioned (and other) needs of pornography use is necessary in overcoming the addiction, especially doing so the moment temptation strikes. 

Christian Counseling - Making Your Vacation Last

Most people who go on vacation can attest to its health benefits, such as: feeling more relaxed, happier, less anxious, more at peace, and more tired (coming down from the adrenaline rush of everyday life) and/or more energized. One of the great treasures of time off is time together, with those you love. Bonding without many of the usual distractions of everyday duties fills one's emotional tank. These wonderful experiences yield other fruit, like the fond memories that are recounted in one's older age and giving people one more reason to be thankful to God about life.

The health benefits of vacation, however, are short-lived. Recent research has shown that within the first week to month, many of the health benefits fade out. One of the studies concluded that job demands contribute to the fade-out. It also suggested that making time for things that are relaxing and enjoyable can prolong the positive effects of vacationing. I suggest regular downtime and maintaining the bonds and intimacy with family and friends, along with developing an attitude that highly values physical and mental calm, which is critical to a happier life and health.

What benefits do you derive from vacationing? What do you do that helps you maintain those vacation benefits?