Christian Counseling - Who Gets The Best Of Your Love?

In my opinion, the best rendition of the song "Best Of My Love" was released in 1974 by the Eagles. The melody is as sad and captivating as are the lyrics--"Here in my heart, I give you the best of my love...But we both see it slippin' away." This is the paragon that highlights what most people believe love is...a feeling. But, it is a feeling that rises up and can evaporate like the morning dew, despite one's best attempt to love well.

Fairy tales from romantic novels and movies promote the idea that the only human love that exists is the feeling one. It is the one that supposedly keeps people together forever because the feelings are so powerful and special. There is not one doubt in me that it is awesome and even extremely helpful in bonding and attachment. But it is only a "part" of love, and it fades over times. At some point, most ask, "Is that all there is? Isn't there something more?" It happens for a thousand reasons, one of which is the love hormone (oxytocin) stops being produced after about 17 months. People then discover that love, like any other feeling, is fickled. It feverishly flies, fearfully flounders and faithfully falls. While romantic love gets seriously challenged, the bonding action of it helps hold people together. But that is most often not enough. The Greek word used in the Bible used for this type of love is "phileo," which refers to feelings of affection.

We are fortunate that God tells us there is another love that is higher than phileo, and He has demonstrated that love toward His Son, Jesus, and to all humanity in sending Him to earth. We need to grasp and religiously practice what the Bible refers to as "agape" love. This is the love that goes on further than the Energizer Bunny, for it does last forever. It won't run out of energy because it is not about feelings. It is about an irretractable, binding commitment or covenant that is based on a decision of the mind and an exercise of the will; it's a head thing, not a heart thing. Thus, agape love is beyond the influence and control of everything and everyone outside of the person who loves and even the object of love, regardless of his or her behavior.

If you, by virtue of practice, possess the greatest form of love, agape, and center it in all your relationships, then everyone fortunate enough to be a part of your world is getting the best of your love.

Christian Counseling - Divorced? Ready For Your Next Relationship?

If you are divorced or separated from a live-in or marital relationship and desire to enter into another partnership, please read on. Statistically, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce, but it is higher for second marriages (about 70%) and higher still for third (around 80%). Research finds that couples who live together are less happy than married couples. Despite these realities most couples swear and believe it will be different the next time because they have gained self-understanding, know more about what it takes to make a relationship last and are more determined to stay committed. Good intentions, good thoughts, but...

Why the discrepancy between what divorced people believe and reality? The answer is something known by some, but only skin deep. That is because a good part of pain is housed in the unconcious. Even for those few with a depth of insight gained on their own, it does not seem to make much of a difference. The reason that second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than the previous one is largely due to deep-seated, unresolved pain and trauma. Time does not heal wounds, it only dulls the awareness, but the pain comes shining through in the next relationship when conflict surfaces.

People are painfully bruised in a breakup and the majority of it isn't healed before they are in another relationship. It doesn't take long before the new person presses on their bruise and the new pain opens the flood gate to past pain that are simultaneously and quickly felt, often accompanied by shock and fear. It is common to privately wonder if the new relationship is going to be a repeat of the last.

What is needed is to grab hold of and work out the conscious and unconscious pain, which requires the help of God and another person who can see and speak the truth. Without this critical insight and resolution of the problems, people are most likely going to reexperience the devastation of another broken relationship or, at least, to unnecessarily suffer in the next one.

I firmly believe that all couples should seek the help of a professional before saying "I do!" One who can help them see the blind spots, how a couple's personalities mesh or not, how their histories influence current thoughts, feelings and decisions, and how all of these things can be used to predict with a fair degree of accuracy what their relationship will be like. However, the truth is that the majority of people in love do not want to look at those painful and threatening realities. They are in a moment of sunshine and want to avoid stormy weather. However, it is a matter of look now or be forced to later on, which will be harder and more troublesome for many reasons.

The good news is that those who have chosen to know the truth about himself or herself and their loved one before marriage go into that marriage more realistically confident and committed. They have far less conflict, pain and doubt because, to a large degree, they do not bring much of their baggage into the new relationship, having resolved it. This and having gained significant knowledge about their future partner and the type of relationship they will experience permit them to make an intelligent and informed decision. This secondary point of decision about committing to the relationship becomes an important memory that is returned to many times over and serves as a needed anchor in unfavorable relational weather.

Christian Counseling - Are You Desperate to Reignite Emotions in a Relationship?

Being "head over heels" in love is the or at least one of the most potent emotions in life. A parallel of this is experienced by many in their early relationship with God. The initial connection often leads to an astounding awakening to newness of life, which carries a person for about 17 months (the life of the "love hormone"--oxytocine).  All the emotions of one's being are electrified and sustain the connection as the relationship develops roots. Beyond this simplistic understanding, this life-giving process is as wonderful as it is mysterious.

What lovers, very close friends, parents with newborns and newly converted Christians often experience after the early relational euphoria is a slow-paced, but significant letdown. People languish and pine for days of old when wondrous, comforting feelings kept the relational bond strong and sure. The sense of loss and grief are significant. They question if the relationship can ever be the same without the breathtaking fireworks of those profound and abundant feelings. Many spend years searching for ways to reignite those unmatched feelings of connection until, at some point, they understand they cannot and never will. Most feel guilty or blame the other for the emotional loss. They slip into despair, inactivity and ask if the experience was real or true because it did not last. I have witnessed numerous disheartened people who then abandon the relationships. Not infrequently, Christians wonder why God lets this happen and some even ponder whether or not He exists.

Yet, I believe this is God's design, and, of course, He has a purpose(s). When we are no longer living for or moved by powerful feelings how will we act? Without the motivating feelings we see with depth and clarity what else exists in our hearts. When the wasteful search for resurrecting the strong emotional connection with God or another person is abandoned we are then open to the next phase of relational and spiritual development--relying on our own individual convictions and integrity. Admittedly, this is a very tough transition that is less impressive than living by feelings, from a human viewpoint. From God's view, He sees this person as serious-minded about living righteously, stable and more trustworthy because emotions can suddenly shift and change, mature, and ready for more responsibility, power and challenges. In the end, God is pleased with the person who learns to thrive in this, the highest spiritual state of human living.

Living by conviction and integrity and not feelings surprisingly creates new feelings of self-confidence, more healthy trust in oneself, joy in the relationship, contentment and security in believing one can go the distance of walking with God or another for life.

Christian Counseling - The Relationship Between Trappings and Treadmills

I grew up hearing the idiom, "Keeping up with the Joneses." It refers to people who keep in line with their neighbor's standard of living--he buys a new car, I buy a new car. I was wondering if this phrase was created by ad men hired by bankers or credit card companies to promote borrowing. It turns out its origin is likely connected to the long-running, early 1900's, newspaper cartoon by the same title.

Anyway, those purchased items are the trappings (the outward signs) of success or they may be superfical trappings in that they are rented or owned by financial lending companies. In the latter case, the shallow trappings require a person to work hard and perhaps take a second job to keep them and the socio-economic image they create.

The time and energy devoted to buying and maintaining the trappings can easily lead a person to feel he or she is living on a treadmill (a situation that is boring, tiring or unpleasant and from which it is hard to escape). Day in and day out and year after year, a person gets up, goes to work, returns home, eats, does chores, rests a little and goes to bed. Treadmills are mind-numbing and render life joyless and unexciting.

If you are unhappy in your job, marriage, church, etc. consider the idea that it may be the result of maintaining trappings. A person may intensely dislike his job, but the prestige or big bucks may be too hard to give up. A couple presents themselves as a loving and adoring twosome, but do not live it when they are home alone. Finally, a woman may not be spiritually growing in her church, but fears what others would think if she left?

We are all image bearers of one kind or another. What kind of image bearer are you? Do you primarily model being content with what you have or is it more important to be seen as attaining socio-economic success, and at what cost?

Christian Counseling - Hypoactive Sexual Desire

Those who have a low sexual drive and a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies, as determined by a clinician, that also causes personal distress or interpersonal problems would be diagnosed with Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Self or partner determined diagnosis doesn't make it so. A lesser problem would be that the person has only traits of the disorder. From time to time, we all experience some lessened desire.

Low sexual drive or desire may be global or situational (experienced only with one's partner or one type of sexual activity). This person would rarely, or not at all, initiate sex, be reluctant to participate unless pressured by his or her partner and infrequently engage in sexual activity.

The causes of a low sexual desire are many and often include more than one of the following:
       Biological - thyroid, gonadal, adrenal, menopausal, medications (SSRI anti-depressants), pain, etc.
       Psychological - guilt, disgust, stress, fear, anxiety, depression, being sexually used or abused, etc.

The research on this disorder is anything but conclusive regarding effective treatments. It seems to me that an individual plan for each couple is best suited. That is not unlike the approach Jesus took in talking with people about their problems or questions--no single approach works for all people because everyone is unique. Research suggests that increasing a person's sexual desire is anything but easy to do. This is not meant to discourage people from pursuing help, but to align their expectations with reality. Treatment can provide at least some help, sometimes significant help.

It is a common belief that if a couple can work out their non-sexual relational problems that sexual desire and activity will follow. The research doesn't support this. It seems sexual desire and activity are separate, to a good measure, from the quality of one's emotional relationship. However, this is not often  the case for a new relationship where sexual desire grows in the garden of a loving and safe relationship. Down the road a few years couples who experience a good amount of sexual conflict must learn again how to develop their sexual relationship.

Christian Counseling - A Love That Changes Everything

Forever there will be writers and speakers telling of the almost unending things a couple can do to rekindle love, romance and sexuality. Sometimes it only takes a spark to ignite the flame, but more often it is only a flash in the pan experience. One key to having a lasting effect is a person's thoughts need to be seated in a reality that permits the feelings to join in. Humanly speaking, there is no greater motivator than feelings. Without them, most will cease behaving in ways the mind and its commitments esteem. If a person thinks he or she simply needs to suck it up, endure negative feelings and do what's right, it is unlikely that any good, reinforcing feelings will follow. That attitude is one of legalism that lacks a good motive, is short-lived and often expects the other to change or reciprocate. Perhaps worse yet, are others who wait for their feelings to shift or change first in order to move toward a relationship. This waiting is futile. So, what's the answer?

For us as imperfect humans the answer is also imperfect, but it has considerable power and hope--unconditional love! You may ask, "Isn't that the same as what you previously cautioned against--acting lovingly without feeling, which is legalistic?" Here's the difference. The attitude and thinking aren't the same. Let me redefine unconditional love. Scripture refers to it as agape (a Greek word) love--the unmatched, higher state of love that is a decisional process, separate from feeling love (that's phileo-Greek for affection). Unconditional love is birthed when a person resolutely decides to care for the welfare of another without any conditions or getting something in return. The person is free from want and self to give to another as an act of grace, not a legalistic "have to" or "should."

This is how God loves. When we act in similar manner we begin to be enlightened and profoundly moved by the experience. We then know first hand how God loves us, it becomes personal. His love is based on who we are, not what we do. We exist, He commits and we are forever loved and His emotions follow suit. We are significantly changed by the experience of giving unconditional love, which is founded on the attitude that the giving is for life, regardless of what happens in the relationship, even if the other should abandon it. We many not give that love to the other because he or she ended the relationship, but the willingness and some of the desire to do so never comes to an end. Unconditional love is eternal, not temporary or based on experience or the attitude or behavior of the receiver.

Agape love provides a surprising sense of being emotionally protected in giving. It's givers are considerably free from fear of being hurt. Not that they won't be, but it will not crush them. There exists a spiritual dimension in us that knows God has experienced the hurt, knows it full well and comes along side of us that altogether limit the effects of pain and loss. This happens in part because about one-half of all pain is about being alone in our pain, which ends with God being with us and for us. When we surrender to loving as God loves (the best we can) a rich storehouse of pleasurable emotions join the mind and together send us on the ride of a lifetime. Good feelings of love, self-respect and freedom pave the way for continued loving action, but this love is not dependent on emotions for its actions.

Most recipients of this love are drawn by the irresistible attraction of unconditional acceptance and caring that is independent of their flaws and imperfect lives. There are very few who are not awakened, changed and freed by such a love. Think for yourself, isn't this love something you desire? It exists in all of us.

Christian Counseling - Make Me Happy Baby!

Most people deeply desire to be happy and to make others happy too. This is most evident in family life. Children want their parents to be happy and make efforts to cheer them up when they are down. Most parents will protect their children from anything that threatens their well-being and happiness. More often than wives I hear husbands express their longing to please their spouses and make them happy. However, these men frequently experience a sense of failure, guilt and angry because their efforts are not good enough or approved by their wives. Wives complain their spouses' efforts are somewhat inconsistent, lack a romantic touch or discordant with their love language. A fair amount of life conflict centers around the unmet need for happiness, which comes by way of things like peace, understanding, love, security, respect and acceptance. Why is another's happiness so important to so many, and who's responsible for one's happiness?


Out of a good heart a person wants to do good things for others and that person also wants to be treated similarly. Those possessing reasonable empathy understand how it feels to be in a world where happiness eludes them and, therefore, they take up the mantle of doing things to bless others. Beyond this is trouble. Some learned the role of caretaking in their growing up families and find extensive meaning and fulfillment and their self-worth in unreasonable giving to others to make everyone happy. Some of that sounds good, but underlying its thin, beautiful appearance is heartache that comes from assumptions, such as:

               I can make a person happy.
               I am responsible for other people's happiness.
              My spouse should make me happy.
               That's how one connects with and feels attached to people.

Reality is that we are not and cannot be responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves, as we don't possess the power or knowledge to do so. The moment we believe another's joy, happiness, peace, feeling loved, etc. is our responsibility is the moment that frustration, disappointment and guilt take control. Perfectionism, commonly accompanied by anxiety and depression, may also find a foothold in our psyche. And we increase the likelihood of the marital blame game for our felt unhappiness. The moment we believe someone else is responsible for our happiness is the moment we give up control over our life and become overly dependent on anothers for how we feel. In either of these two senarios, misery is sure to follow.

No one possesses the power to make others feel anything including happiness, although we can influence other's feelings. Happiness is not a object or gift we can give to another. Making ourselves happy is hard enough and something frequently we don't achieve, but it's impossible to make others happy. Happiness either exists within a person or it doesn't. Happiness is a state of mind, not just a feeling.

The world of feelings are not completely trustworthy, as they come and go and are affected by an infinite number of things (biology, night and day dreams, touch, past experiences, smell, beliefs, etc.). Therefore, a consistent and complete feeling of happiness is beyond every one's control. I believe we have the capacity to influence other's feelings, but not control them. To do so would mean we must override another's free will, something God will not do.

Christian Counseling - Preserve Your Marriage While You Still Care

While couples still have some reasonable sense of connection and feeling for their partner is the time to preserve the relationship. This is in contrast to far too many who wait until they are almost hopeless and disconnected from feelings of love, romance and sex. A large number of these battle-fatigued couples enter counseling looking not so much for a therapist but a magician who can pull a rabbit out of the hat or success out of thin air. I really do own a magic-looking wand that sits atop my desk, but I don't know how to use it. I tell my clients when I figure it out I will let them know.

Joking aside, it's tragic for one individual or a couple to wait until he or she doesn't care about their partner anymore. This is perhaps the most significant reason marital counseling is not successful more than about 50% of the time. Some couples rationalize that in their wait they are learning to be tolerant, accepting and unconditionally loving. Without a doubt, these are good qualities, but the majority of couples I have seen are not able to discern when the waiting is helping them learn and develop those characteristics and when it's slowly and subtly destroying their relationship. Consequently, late in the game, they discover they don't care and can't deal with the marriage any longer. It's only then most finally get serious about seeking outside help.

Most of us are familiar with sayings, such as "Make hay while the sun shines" and "...now is 'the day of salvation"' (2 Corinthians 6:2). Common sense wisdom meets scriptural truth in these, which point to the idea that the time for decisive action is when a person discovers something and is emotionally connected and motivated. When a person still deeply cares about his or her partner is the time for pulling out all the stops and taking advantage of all opportunities.

Christian Counseling - Love: The Road To Life

Have you ever been tempted to give up on love? Most of us have, especially when we are devastated by unrequited love. It happens we find it difficult to trust others and believe we need to protect ourselves from the pain of loss. It happens when we play it safe. We may temped to move on from it when we experience diminishing romantic feelings. This occurs after 17 months of a relationship when oxytocin (the love hormone) ceases to produced by our bodies.

It can also happen when we forget how awesomely important love is to human and spiritual life. Forgetting is more likely to happen to men because we are cursed with the obsessive worry and pursuit of work and providing for the family. It is less likely to happen to women because they are cursed with a very deep and painful longing for relationship (Genesis 3:16-19).

Sometimes we need to go back to the basics, like the former, famous coach of the Green Bay Packers, Vince Lombardi, would say to his players after a loss, "This is a football." You can't play the game without it. So too, you can't be a Christian without love. This is love (agape-behaviors based upon decisions, not feelings), and its extreme importance (quoted from my article - "Stages of Spiritual Development" that can be found on our website at cccrd.org):

The fulfillment of the law (Romans 13:10).
The goal of our instruction (I Timothy 1:5).
The source of life (I John 4:7).
The perfect bond of unity (Colossians 3:14).
The calling card of evangelism (John 13:35).
The essential characteristic of maturity (I Corinthians 13:13).
The new (John 13:34) and greatest commandment (Matthew 22:36,37).
The proof that we are, and hallmark of being, a Christian (I John 4:7-12).
Synonymous with God ( I John 4:16).
The evidence of our love is obedience to Christ (John 14:15).
It covers all transgressions (Proverbs 10:12).
It is incapable of doing wrong (Romans 13:10).
The most powerful force in forgiveness and reconciliation (II Corinthians 5:18,19).
It is the only thing we should owe to others (Romans 13:8).
God's lovingkindness is everlasting (Isaiah 54:8).

Don't give in to the temptation to give up on love. Life without love is like life without God. Instead, seek to understand Ephesians 3:17-19: "...that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Lastly, seek to consistently express love and freely give it away.

Christian Counseling - Good Article on Pornography

Recently, there was an interesting article on the problem of pornography. It appeared on the National Review website. Click on the following link to view the article:

http://article.nationalreview.com/429884/getting-serious-about-pornography/anonymous?page=1

The article discusses the impact of pornography on both men and marriage. For men, the objectification of women has a tremendous impact on how they deal in relationships. The article also describes the personal experiences of the author. The author, described as a female psychologist, details how her husband's addiction to pornography led to his abandonment of the marriage. In addition, the article makes a compelling argument that there is much more in common between pornography addiction and drug addiction in terms of cost: financial, emotional, spiritual, and relational.

Christian Counseling - Generational Change

Consider a man who is having difficulty in his marriage and with his children. As a result of being on the verge of divorce, he embarks on a therapeutic relationship. He first begins therapy at the request of his wife. Actually, it is likely more of a demand than a request. You see, being a father and husband has not come naturally to him because he never had a healthy example of a loving father and husband in his own home as a child. At first, he engages in therapy to simply avert disaster in his marriage. He tries to deal simply with behaviors that would fix the problems as quickly as possible. As therapy progresses, he begins to deal with the darkness that is his own heart and starts the process of deep healing. Rather than simply behavioral change, he is changing his heart. This is a long and often painful emotional process. Yet, the man perseveres through the pain. Through the commitment to therapy, he finds that his marriage has improved, and he has grown as a man.

The above-described change would be enough to make the pain and cost of therapy worthwhile. Yet, that is not the only hope that therapy provides. Some of the benefits of therapy the man may never see with human eyes. This is the generational change that can happen as the result of someone facing their issues.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is the book of Ruth. For one, it is one of the only books that focuses on a woman and the incredible impact that a faithful woman can have. I also love the end. I always enjoy the end of movies when they tell you what happens to the characters in the future, and Ruth ends the same way. (Spoiler Alert). If you have never read the book of Ruth, go read it now before you continue reading this. What is amazing is that at the end of this book that in large part is about simple acts of faithfulness, we see the ultimate payoff. Ruth is part of the Davidic lineage and, as such, part of the lineage of Christ. How about that for generational impact!

The generational change for the man in our story? As a result of the difficult work that he has done to be a better husband and father, his children may never have to experience the pain that he has. You see, they will have a good example of a father and husband in their childhood home. In addition, they will see the courage of someone who was willing to lay down their pride and face themselves. This change does not necessarily end there, but can go on for generations.

Many of you can probably point to a change like this in your family. Whether it was the first person to go to college or the first person to accept Christ, these people in our families open a door of possibilities for all who follow.

If you are thinking about therapy and the process of change, but are hesitant, think about the possible growth that can happen in your life today and the lives of future generations. If you are in therapy and going through a particularly painful time of self-discovery, keep you eyes on the prize and know that the courage and faithfulness you show today will echo through generations.

Christian Counseling - Marital Ennui

"Love Will Keep Us Together." In the early 70's Neil Sedaka wrote and released this song. Shortly thereafter Captain and Tennille made it a hit. "Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone. When the others are turning you off who'll be turning you on? I will, I will, I will, I will be there to share forever. Love will keep us together." This lifelong commitment is a part of almost every vow couples make to each other. But for Christians and otherwise, about one-half fail to keep it.


The love that is popularized in songs and is a must for most couples considering marriage is the romantic kind; the feeling of affection. This early love is glorious, necessary and bonds people, but the power of its passion is unstable and doesn't last. In a previously blog I mentioned after 17 months or so oxytocin ("love hormone") is on the wane. The world, including many Christians, views this feeling love to be the most important ingredient for a happy, stable marriage. In one way, it is surprising that many Christians hold this view because they are taught agape love (a Greek word referring to a logical decision process, not related to feelings) is the highest form of love. It is this kind of love which committed God to Israel and moved Jesus to come to earth. We have control over this type of love, but we don't have control over the feelings of love.

It is seriously problematic that many Christians are seduced by society into believing as long as you have "feel good" love that your partner is a keeper, but if it fails, it is OK to play the field again. Facing the reality of how truly difficult it is to make a marital relationship work is a shock and intolerable to quite a few.

God doesn't want people to be maritally committed only because it's His law, while ignoring feelings. He doesn't want any couple to be greatly unhappy for the rest of their lives because of a troubled marriage. He wants people to see themselves in light of whatever relationship they are in; to change who they are; to become more Christlike; to set relational boundaries and not tolerate their partner's poor behavior that can destroy the "goodness" of a marriage relationship.

When people see themselves in the raw they most often realize that it's not only their partner they are having trouble with and feel unhappy about, but it's also their own troubled world of feelings and faulty thought patterns. Couple those with a history of unmet, premarital needs and family-of-origin emotional pain that is expected to be met or healed by their marriage and disaster awaits. These unrealistically burden a marriage and puts it's life in jeapordy.

Some couples need to end their relationship; that is, they need to end the way it is and not necessarily end it by way of divorce. (Of course, God makes provision for divorce, but that is another subject for another time.) Seek to end the unhealthy parts of marriage by doing everything you can and availing yourself of all resources, then see what troubles remain, and what final decision you want to make. Perhaps, as others, you will find loving feelings buried underneath your grief, disappointment and anger.

Christian Counseling - "That's Life!": Marital Bunkum

Jake asks his wife, "Where do you want to go for dinner?"

Joanie replies, "I don't care, you decide."

"OK! Let's go Mexican."

"We had that last week," Joanie says disapprovingly.

"Well then, where do you want to go?" Jake retorts.

"Really, I don't care...just not Mexican again. And don't be a grouch!"

"I am not a grouch, and you really do care about where we go. No, you choose or I'll end up suggesting some other place you don't think is right," he said with sarcasm.

"Why do you have to start trouble? It's a stupid, little decision about dinner."

"You told me to decide and I did. I wanted Mexican. Maybe you meant to say, 'You can decide as long as I want to go there.' In that case, that's not ME deciding, that's US deciding. Whatever I do isn't good enough for you!"

"Forget it! I'm not hungry!" Joanie says as she walks away mumbling.

Perhaps you find this sadly funny. If so, it's likely because you know the story. It's any couple's story. It can be shocking how quickly a conflict can arise and how deep the hurt and anger can get over the most trivial of issues. Why does it happen?

It happens because this argument is not the first one. There is a history. Failing to understand and resolve past conflicts is like allowing a bear to live in your house. You think he's tame, but, suddenly and unexpectedly, he growls and cuts you with sharp claws. Joanie sees Jake as having a problem with frustration and anger control. Jake feels her disapproval, and doesn't hear enough supportive and caring words from her.

Typically, the couple cycles through taking some time to calm down. One offers an apology, maybe both. They remain a little cool for a while, as they find some neutral things to talk about. The relationship begins to feel normal again, even though the conflict still nags at them. Trust remains broken below the surface, as there is some loss of safety and they believe it will happen again. Couples tolerate this cycle for years, but without attention, it will get worse.

The Song of Solomon tells the tale of two young lovers whose passion is strong, their love powerful. In the middle of the Bride's adoration of her "beloved," she utters a strange imperative, that seems ill-timed. "Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom" (2:15). In Chapter 3 the Bride dreams a troubling scene where insecurity has taken root because they have avoided their problems. If love were not blind and hearts had courage, couples would be capturing the foxes that slowly eat away and destroy their vineyard of love.

What are the foxes in your relationship? How long have they around, and how much have they destroyed the love and goodness of your vineyard? Are you avoiding facing the reality and impact of what has happened, is happening, and what you believe will happen? What are the underlying sources of conflicts? Take decisive action now to protect what remains, and then see if you can build on a good foundation.

Christian Counseling - The State of YOUR Union

We have all had the relationship talk. Women tend to like it. Men tend to dread it. However, "the talk" is necessary. We need to be able to evaluate where our marriages are and where they are going. A word of caution, you need to be having a relationship more than you are talking about your relationship. I know that might sound strange coming from someone who spends all day helping people analyze and overcome issues in their lives. There many reasons why therapists see clients only once per week. One reason is that there needs to be a healthy balance between living our lives and analyzing our lives. Couples who spend almost every night discussing the state of their relationship will often find the air coming out of their marriage.

Over-analysis is a problem for some marriages, but, under-analysis is the problem for a larger proportion of marriages. As life gets busier, many of us do not check in with one another to find out whether we are truly satisfied in the relationship. As a result, problems that could be dealt with early on fester and become larger struggles.

What I recommend is at least a once per year State of YOUR Union discussion. When you choose to do this is up to you. There are many ways you can make this happen: sign up for a marriage conference, take a weekend away from the kids, etc. Take the month leading up to your discussion to think and pray about your own needs and the needs of your spouse. Do you have unmet needs? Does your spouse? Are you happy with the direction of your marriage? Three areas that you can focus on are your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. For example, are you satisfied with your physical or sexual relationship in your marriage. If not, why not? What would make it better?

From this discussion, or discussions, that follow you can then make plans to move forward. Remember, if one person is struggling in the marriage and feels that the marriage is unhealthy, their issues need to be addressed. The exciting thing is that change can happen in your marriage if you address any of the three areas of need discussed above. Each is linked to the other. If you improve one area, the likelihood is that you will begin to make change in the others. There are exceptions to this rule, and, if you find that to be true in your marriage, it may be wise to set up an appointment to talk with someone to gain a deeper level of insight into some of these issues.

Once you find areas that you want to work on in your marriage, one way of looking at setting goals would be to imagine a year into the future. If you reached your goal, what would your marriage look like a year from now? Then ask yourselves what half-way to that goal would look like. Finally, what would be the least amount of noticeable change that would give you hope that you are moving in the right direction.

Feel free to contact me if you have questions or find yourselves having difficulty going through the process. Good luck!! Remember, life is too short to not have your needs and the needs of your spouse met.

Christian Counseling - Romantic Feelings and Antidepressant Medication

One of life's greatest emotional pleasures is the head-over-heels experience of new love. From this we likely get phrases, such as "madly in love" and "love is blind." What is responsible for this experience, and what can inhibit this loving feeling?

Spiritually, many Christians believe God's care and His sovereignty provides direction in our meeting, bonding and decisions about a mate.

Psychologically, we all develop an internal representation of our ideal mate, which is both conscious and unconscious. Most people have a list of spousal requirements (conscious), but filling that list doesn't create the spark that ignites passion. What primarily sets our hearts aflame is a mystery (unconscious).

Biochemically,the brain producing hormone, oxytocin, has been shown to increase feelings of love, attachment, and trust, for example. It is released during a massage and a positive relational experience (even thinking about being in love with a particular person) in women (likely in men, as well) who are generally secure in their relationships. It is also released in women during delivery and in men and women during orgasm. This likely accounts for a good amount of the bonding experience between mother and child and also couples.

It is unfortunate in one sense that the brain betrays us in ceasing production of oxytocin after 17 months or so. However, this gives us the chance to develop mature love that is not based on the instability of feelings of love. Scripturally, it may be a move from phileo (affectionate) love to agape (logical, decision-making) love.

It is also unfortunate that antidepressant medication in the form of SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, such as: Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, and Celexa) decrease levels of oxytocin. It appears these meds interfere in the experience of romantic and sexual feelings and may even prevent a romantic relationship. Should you be concerned about this impacting your present or future relationships, talk with your medical doctor about your options. There are other, though limited, medication alternatives in the treatment of depression, and psychotherapy can help.

Christian Counseling - Necessary Conflict

Many couples avoid conflict like the plague. Why? Well, for many the word conflict itself has a negative connotation. Do a little free association yourself. When you think of the word conflict, what comes to mind? Words like yelling, anger, crying probably come to mind.

Yet, in healthy relationships, conflict is absolutely necessary. Conflict actually helps us to grow in relationships, both with God and with one another. Why does it seem so negative, and why do we avoid it so much? Say a couple has a fight (which is one form of conflict). They say horrible things to each other. They may even go days without speaking. They certainly do not resolve the issue that "started" the fight. Each person leaves with the same thought, "Man, that was ugly. I don't ever want to do that again." As a result, they attempt to let the little things go. They become annoyed with each other from time to time but do not discuss the issues. This builds up over time. Then, one day, something happens, and they start fighting. All the feelings that have been bottled up come to the surface. It goes badly. Afterward, they once again say to themselves, "Man, that was ugly. I don't ever want to do that again." They proceed down the same path of attempting to avoid the issues that come up between them until the next blow up.

What has happened is that the couple has made an inappropriate association. The couple is associating conflict with the terrible fighting that they experience. I would argue that it is not the conflict that is at fault. It is the avoidance of conflict that is a major factor in the explosion that occurs in the relationship. If they were able to handle issues as they come up, many couples would be able to resolve issues without resorting to childish name calling, screaming, etc.

The Bible states that we should not let the sun go down on our anger and that we should not keep a record of wrongs. The best way to do follow those instructions is to deal with problems when they come up, rather than avoiding them until they can no longer be avoided. Don't, in the words of Richard Dreyfuss to the Mayor of Amity in Jaws, "avoid this particular problem until it swims up and bites you on the ___ (word omitted)." Is there something that you are holding against your spouse today that you need to confront?

Christian Counseling - Taking Time to Relax

As I write this, I am sitting in sunny, warm, Florida. Well, it is sunny and Florida, so I guess two out of three isn't bad. I came on this vacation with a plan (as i often do). I brought books that I wanted to read and thought of things that I wanted to see and do. How much have I done that was on my list? Some, but, certainly, not all. Am I ok with the change in plans? The answer is a certain yes.

It is always interesting to me that as I make my plans, I do not plan for the most satisfying parts of a vacation. For me, these include: lingering over a wonderful dinner, sharing new and old stories while staying up late, laughing with the people I love the most, and sharing new memories with my wife and children. In the end it won't much matter what I did on vacation. What will matter is who was with me on vacation.

Isn't that how it always is for many of us? We spend most of our time thinking about projects rather than people. Yet, the significant relationships we have breathe life into us and often give meaning to our lives. Many of you are in the same place in this life as me with parents getting older and caring for and enjoying young children. Remember, this time will never come our way again. Yes, there are problems that we are dealing with in our country, our church, and our careers. Ten years from now, we will likely still have issues that we will be dealing with, for that is the stuff of life. Not that we should ignore the issues as insignificant. However, we need to enjoy and invest in the people in our lives with the same vigor we invest in dealing with life's issues. As Burt Lancaster said in Field of Dreams, "We don't recognize the most significant events in our lives until they've passed." Ask God for eyes to recognize the significant relationships in your life today, and then seek to be deliberate in enjoying them.

Which, by the way, is what I plan to do right now...

Christian Counseling - Antidepressant Medication and Sexual Dysfunction

An ABC News article (August 4, 2009) reported nearly 10% of the U.S. population, about 27 million people, were taking antidepressant medication in 2005. From other reports we find these meds are used to treat a variety of ills including pain, anxiety and sleep disorders. Among possible medication side effects is the decrease in sexual desire and performance.


A Harvard Mental Health Letter article entitled, "Dealing with sexual side effects" (May, 2008) stated that up to 50% of people suffer with sexual dysfunction as the result of depression. SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors--most prescribed class of antidepressants) can help with depression, but also affect sexual function--delay or prevention of orgasm (30-40%), decreased libido (20%) and erectile dysfunction (10%).

Here are some things a person on antidepressant medication can do to increase sexual function:

1. Although 80% of people seek help for depression from non-psychiatric MDs, don't be one of them. It's not their expertise, and it's well known that general practitioners tend to undermedicate when it comes to psychotropic medication (antidepressant and antianxiety).
2. Stay the course. Side effects of new medications can decrease or be nonexistent after a few weeks.
3. Reduce the amount of prescribed medication. Talk with your doctor about this first.
4. Try other antidepressants. There are other medications that have less or no affect on sexual function, such as Wellbutrin, Remeron or Cymbalta.
5. Continue sexual activity on a regular basis. If the activity creates strong negative feelings and thoughts this may not be a good idea. However, if a person can, at least temporarily, accept the reality of his or her decrease in sexual desire or function, then this is an idea worth considering. The saying, "Lose it or loose it" is often true when it comes to sexuality.
6. Talk with God about your sexual life. He won't be embarrassed by this and hopefully you won't either. Be absolutely open in the details and language with Him. If you can find comfort and peace with Him through honest prayer, it will reduce your anxiety, which inhibits desire and performance.
7. Seek psychological help. The treatment of choice for moderate to severe depression remains to be combined medication management and talk therapy. Further, it remains true that the organ most responsible for good sexual function is the brain. Sexuality is not just about sex. It is also about any object or issue that an individual has connected to sex, such as: power, anger, anxiety or loneliness.

Please consider leaving an anonymous post with any info that has been of benefit to you about this issue.

Christian Counseling - Finger Pointing As A Failed Marital Bridge of Connection

Bridges are constructed to connect two separate things or people, which makes traveling between them possible. Marriage is the bridge that connects a husband and wife. Couples expect they will be able to freely travel to and from one another according to each others' needs and guidelines. But, when these are not well understood or followed, one or both will feel too disconnected, which will give way to loneliness, insecurity and feeling unloved. If the disconnection is traumatic (an affair) and/or extended over a long period of time, the marital bridge can collapse.


Before a marriage collapses one or both partners will have analyzed the reasons for disconnection and attempted to resolve them. A frequent, but sure to collapse bridge rebuilding or reconnection effort is pointing out flaws in their partner's thoughts, feelings and behavior. Once one spouse begins down this hazardous road, the other often feel compelled to do likewise.


Think about this, rebuilding through finger pointing. Doesn't that sound like an oxymoron, like foolishness? Does finger pointing ever build a relational bridge between people? Isn't it much more likely to result in reduced support and collapse? This approach and its predictable end is as tragic as it is avoidable. The kicker to finger pointing is that often short-sighted fault finders fail to see faults in themselves. Some who do see their own faults won't acknowledge it to their partner. The result is both feel a sense of being completely blamed for all the conflicts. To avoid the unhappiness of disconnection and the destruction of the relationship, a different approach is necessary.

If one partner refuses to accept responsibility for his or her actions, the remaining partner must resist the temptation to become like the weaker one and follow suit. That partner also needs to continue doing what is right by owning and working on his or her faults. Further, it is right to expect the other to do the same. The problem is some people deny responsibility or use the confessed fault of the other against them.

These latter behaviors require firm boundaries that can help protect the goodness of the relationship from being eaten away. For example, a spouse may say she refuses to discuss any problem unless both people first point the finger at themselves and express a willingness to correct their negative contribution. For this to work, both people need to be fairly reasonable. When one is not reasonable a couples resolution may require experienced help, especially if he or she also chronically avoids responsibility and is generally given to projecting or shifting blame to others. These poor behaviors are indications of a more serious problem, that of an enduring personality disturbance, which is unlikely to be remedied solely by a marital partner.

These and other techniques are part of a useful plan that can serve as a blueprint on how to rebuild a marital bridge of connection where trust, safety, fairness and caring can once again freely flow.

Christian Counseling - It Takes Two, But One Will Do

If "It takes two to tango," it would seem reasonable that it takes two to save a marriage. Ultimately that is true, but one must understand there is a timetable for change. There are many things one person can do to make a difference.


It is unfortunate that numerous people don't get help for their seriously troubled marriage because they believe no one can help if only one partner cares or is willing to change. In the short run this is false thinking. It is incumbent on the caring partner who sees a problem(s) to do whatever he or she reasonably can to change the direction of the relationship, and that beyond what the individual can envision alone. That person needs understanding and ideas from friends, family and those experienced in helping couples.


Individual counseling (one person) can bring about significant martial change, if it is strategically-based. This means one person enters treatment to learn about himself or herself, the other partner, underlying or unseen problems that influence the marriage, and how to develop ideas that lead to marital change. In my experience, about 80% of uninvolved partners are willing to enter counseling after his or her partner starts. One reason for the reluctant partners' willingness is their awareness of their partner's seriousness due to having entered counseling. Another is they see changes in their partner as the result of counseling.

One aspect of the counseling process is learning and applying the art of unconditional love. This love is not a weak, passive love, but one that decisively and caringly asserts relational boundaries. For example, the tough love partner protects his or her good feelings for the marriage by refusing to participate in any thing that undermines those feelings, such as the other's unrelenting accusations or an unwillingness to admit contributing to the problems. In those cases, the loving partner immediately ends any inappropriate criticizing talks by walking away, while waiting as long as it takes for an apology. This means no other discussions are to take place until the apology is made, save an emergency. Eventually, the couple will begin a conversation about apologizing, providing the reluctant partner wants to preserve the marriage.

Even if the partner wants to end the relationship, there may still be hope. If you have not see the Christian-based movie "Fireproof" starring Kirk Cameron and Erin Bethea, I suggest you rent it or buy it. If you did see it, you know from the movie's storyline that one person can begin to turn a marriage around. And we know from scripture that nothing is impossible with God when we commit our ways to Him.