Christian Counseling - The Benefit of Long-term Psychodynamic Therapy

At CCCRD we offer psychodynamic or insight-oriented therapy. It goes beyond attempting to change faulty thinking (cognitive therapy) and a person's actions (behavioral) to changing the heart. This approach seeks to understand the "whys" of peoples' thoughts, feelings and behaviors. By gaining insight into the unconscious and how one's unique history effects a significant influence on life in the here and now, the therapist and client have critical information necessary for long-lasting change. This, in the context of spiritual understanding and God's help, is a force to be reckoned with.

In October 2008, Richard Glass published, "Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Research Evidence: Bambie Survives Godzilla," in The Journal of the American Medical Association. The meta-analysis (a research technique integrating multiple study results into a single result) looked at 23 studies which evaluated the effectiveness of psychodynamic therapy lasting more than one year. The results showed that long-term psychodynamic therapy to significantly be of greater and lasting benefit to those with complex problems than short-term therapies.

As with any study, there are limitations, such as the small number of studies evaluated. But, because of the complexity and cost of psychodynamic research studies, there aren't many to date. On the other hand, these early results are encouraging to those who use this approach and to clients receiving this type of therapy.

For those who desire to change a specific and uncomplicated behavior, like a phobia, short-term cognitive and/or behavioral therapy can be sufficient. The same can be true for those who simply want therapy to help them feel better. For complicated problems and those seeking heart change ("truth in the innermost being and in the hidden part...[to] know wisdom," [Psalm 51:6]), insight-oriented therapy is the treatment of choice.

Christian Counseling - "No matter where you go, there you are."

You cannot escape yourself. Sounds like a great tagline for a movie. If it were only fiction. The reality is that, try as we might, we cannot escape our struggles. We may fantasize about doing so. Fantasies may turn to actions like changing jobs, moving, having an affair. In the end, we typically have added more problems than we've solved.



A student living in New Jersey once told me that she was applying to colleges in California and Washington. To this information I replied, "So, you are trying to get as far away from your parents as possible while remaining in the contiguous United States." It was true. This student had a very difficult life at home and harbored fantasies of escaping. Who could blame her? However, upon further reflection, she came to realize that although home was difficult, she had friends, other family, and a church in New Jersey that held a strong connection for her. Leaving New Jersey would mean leaving everything behind, not just her parents.



Often, like the woman above, we are moving to try to escape negative relationships in life. Although this sometimes can be effective, it would not always be recommended. However, many times we are trying to escape ourselves. This is a tall order. If the problems we experience are internal rather than external, running from them will not work because we cannot run from ourselves. We need to face problems head on in our lives. Much like a boxer in the ring, we cannot turn our backs on our opponent, lest we render ourselves defenseless. If you are dealing with problems in life that you cannot seem to overcome, it may be time for you to get some help. This help can come in many forms, and I will discuss over the next several posts what that help can look like. If you have overcome difficult issues in your life, I would welcome comments as to what worked for you.

Christian Counseling - Protecting Your Marital Vineyard

Solomon's Song of Songs is a personal, insightful, beautiful, poetic writing of passionate love and its great mystery. In his writing, the lovers' senses have left the earth and sky-rocketed to a heavenly realm. The emotional intensity vanquishes all pain (except when the couple are separated from one another) and its power suggests the existence of eternity.

Love transforms feelings and perceptions by creating rose-colored human sensors that see, hear, smell, taste and touch a world that is born-again. Lovers feel connected to the human race, gain understanding about the incredible love of God, and find meaning and purpose in living. Love makes sense of a chaotic and troubled world...for a little while, at least.

"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards that are in bloom" (Song of Songs 2:15). Would any couple in love want their glorious world to be disturbed by intentionally looking for relational problems, suggested by the presence of foxes? No, they wouldn't, and that's the point of Solomon's words--to caution lovers. Whenever emotions are high or low we are most vulnerable to increased conflicts, new problems and formidable temptations because objectivity is surrendered.

What God is suggesting is that a couple deeply and completely revel in the matchless experience of love, sexuality and friendship, along with keeping objectivity. That objectivity recognizes powerful feelings can blind a couple from seeing truth. A couple's objectivity evaluates the realities of the relationship and the impact of surrounding influences. It sees the good and bad in each other and the potential ups and downs in the relationship, now and, to some degree, in the future. It is protective, in that it pays close attention to anything that has the potential to threaten, limit or destroy the vineyard of loving feelings, thoughts and behaviors.

Giving thought to and permitting the wondrous world of love to be interrupted by temporarily and consistently coming down to earth from the clouds helps ensure a love that lasts for a lifetime. Take great pleasure in love and keep company with objectivity.

If, as a couple, you have let the foxes near ruin your marital vineyard, resurrect the memories of attraction, hope, commitment and joy of your emotionally intense love. Together, bear up under any initial awkwardness and read Song of Songs. Talk about what once was, what is and what could be.

Christian Counseling - Women in America 2009

From a Christian viewpoint, women have likely been struggling for equality since Eve took a bite. In America, women have "come a long way baby." But, for some, is it too little and too long in coming? It seems there is less inequality in the workplace and at home for women, but they less happy in life.

Consider the recent statistics and comments quoted by a panel on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 program entitled "Women in the Workplace," which aired on October 19th:

1. By the end of this year, women will make up one-half of the work force.
2. Sex-segregated jobs are widespread--women's top three are Secretary/Admin. Assist., Nurse and Teacher.
3. Women earn $.77 for every $1.00 a man earns--the gap starts right out of college and continues throughout life.
4. In 2008, women's earnings fell twice that of men--2% compared to 1%, according to a Time Poll.
5. Suze Orman, a panel member, who hosts her own TV show on money matters, said women accept less money and demand less of employers (more timid about asking for a raise) than men, thus increasing corporate earnings, implying also an increase in corporations' desire to hire women.
6. Arianna Huffington, a panel member and Editor-in-Chief of the Huffington Post, said men bully more than women at the office, but there is no gender bias in their victims. However, women who bully do so 71% of the time with other women. She believed this was the result of gossiping, backstabbing and insecurity leading to competition.
7. Fay Wattleton, a final panel member and President of The Center for Advancement of Women, said there is not enough change on the domestic front, as career women still do more of the home chores than men.
8. The panel appeared to have agreed, American women have gained power, but are less happy. Why? Because they are stressed--driven by guilt and a caretaking role to "do it all."

An October 26, 2009 article in Time magazine, What Women Want Now by Nancy Gibbs, supported the eighth point above. She wrote, "...tracked by numerous surveys,...women have gained more freedom, more education and more economic power, (and) have become less happy." Why? To answer, she quotes a few proposed reasons offered by Justin Wolfers (Univ. of Penn. economist and co-author of The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness): "women are more honest about what ails them," they now "wrestle with the same pressures and conflicts" that cause male unhappiness, and "modern life in a global economy is simply more stressful for everyone but especially for women, who are working longer hours while playing quarterback at home."

Whether you are a male or a female, what is your experience and beliefs regarding these issues? Women, are you, your mother and your female friends happier in life, or less? Why do you think that is?

Christian Counseling - Homosexuality & Christian Attitudes

Christians, gays, homosexuals--if you want to stir up strong emotions and conflicting attitudes on American soil, these words, breathed in the same sentence, can surpass expectations.


Like many of those of the conservative persuasion, for biblical reasons, I don't agree with the gay lifestyle or the loose reasoning that their sexual orientation is only the result of biology. I find it offensive when they misuse scripture to support the idea that God accepts homosexuality and suggest if Christians were loving and tolerant, we would do the same.


Yet, I must say I am disturbed by and sometimes ashamed of Christians who belittle, discount and then discard homosexual people, or any other group for that matter. Just because they don't share our beliefs or choices and some of them regard us as enemies and belittle us with comments (sometimes truthfully), such as: homophobic, judgmental and prejudicial, doesn't give Christians just cause to detest and treat them as enemies. That kind of thinking was prevalent in Old Testament times--love your neighbor and hate your enemy.


In the New Testament, Jesus corrects the idea of hating your enemy by speaking some strange and difficult words, '"But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you"' (Luke 6:27,28). This concept is not for the faint-hearted, those who still drink milk or people who are so easily offended and angered by injustice that they lose perspective of mercy, grace, inherent respect, rights, etc.

Christians should take a leadership position and model agape love (an action or decision-based love, not a feeling). That activist love can be very tough to express toward antagonists, but it is His will. Why would He ask such a thing? Because genuine love has the power to move the heart and spirit of a human being like no other force can, and not just the heart of the other person, but ours as the giver.

This love is not a weak, passive, doormat kind of love, it is strong and assertive and accompanies some serious boundaries. It courageously stands up for the truth and righteousness. It fervently seeks legal means to protect the definition of marriage as between a man and a woman. It recognizes and willingly defends the rights of all, Christian and gay. It earnestly searches for a moral way to balance upholding righteousness and human rights.



Instead of being afraid of what and who you may not know (a gay person), get up-close and personal; put a face and a life to that tag of, "He's a homosexual" or "She's a lesbian." Instead of being dominated by anger at the unrighteousness of their sin, allow yourself to see the whole person. You will discover, they are not so different from us, save their orientation.


A mature Christian "makes even his enemies to be at peace with him" (Proverbs 16:7). This passage doesn't mean we possess all the power to make it happen or are the only ones responsibility for peace. It tells us we should seek, develop and exhibit peace in our relationships; that we should value peace to such an extent that our enemies are stunned by it. This unexpected and sometimes undeserved gift can quiet a storm, generate safety, open up a discussion or, at the least, mutually plant seeds of understanding, which can take root in all of us.

Christian Counseling - Compensatory Parenting

In many families that do not function well, there are diametrically opposed parents. One tends too be domineering and the other permissive. Why is this? Typically, the parents are parenting in response to one another. If dad thinks that mom lets the kids get away with murder, then he responds by "laying down the law". If dad is harsh and domineering, mom responds by being more permissive in the hopes of balancing the scale. While this is common, it does not work. There are several reasons why.

1. The parents are actually parenting in opposition to one another. Rather than responding to the children's behaviors, they are actually responding to each other.

2. The children become confused. If one parent punishes the children harshly, and the other does not for the same offense, what is the child to think? They will typically not focus on the rightness or wrongness of their actions. Rather, the focus again is on the parent and their response instead of on the behavior or attitude of the child.

3. Oppositional parenting often reflects deeper marital discord. Many times parents who parent in opposition to one another are working out relationship issues with each other through their parenting. This is unhealthy for the children as well as the marital relationship. For these couples, trying to get on the same page as parents is merely rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Without addressing the underlying marital conflicts, there can be little to no hope of parenting effectively.

In the end, trying to balance out a spouse by being the opposite does help the children. In the, end, they do not have any good parents. You do not balance a harsh parent by being permissive or vice versa. The only way to balance out the other parent is by being an appropriate parent. In future posts, I will discuss in more detail what appropriate parenting looks like.

Christian Counseling - Be a Man

Most all of us have heard or perhaps used the phrase, "Be a man." The tone and motive of that kind of talk varies from a shaming manipulation to an encouragement. As with some other present day sayings, this likely had a biblical origin.

In I Samuel 4 the Philistines are fighting against Israel. The Ark of the Covenant was brought into the Israel camp, which resulted in them cheering so loud that the "earth resounded" (:5). This shook the confidence of the Philistines, and they grew afraid. The message given to them (probably from a commander) was, "Take courage and be men, O Philistines, or you will become slaves to the Hebrews" (:9).

Similar words were spoken by David to Solomon in I Kings 2:2--'"I am going the way of all the earth. Be strong, therefore, and show yourself a man."' In this passage and in I Samuel, "Be a man," is an encouragement, which is connected to strength and courage. Why do we men need this? Because we have fears, and we need support in overcoming the ruling force of those fears.

In the Hebrew, "man" refers to a mortal man, a fellow, chap or male. In these contexts, the words for courage and strength mean the "man" was to be a leader, valiant, heroic and excellent. This man was not to be driven by fear, weakness or passivity. The courage of the Philistines was to be shown on the battlefield, but Solomon was a man of peace, not a warrior. Therefore, young (early 20's most likely) Solomon was to evidence his courage by fighting the spiritual battle within--between his flesh and following the Lord and His commandments. The latter was his father's encouragement.

If someone challenges you to be either a man or become a wimp or weak, do not give in to their corrupt manipulations. But if it is meant as an encouragement, take it as such. You have someone on your side helping you to be the best person (man) you can be.

The "rugged individualism" of the 1800's still influences men to be the strong, silent and independent type. However, scripture (i.e., I John) points out that we also need each other and are not meant simply to go it alone, but go it with others. Join with some other men or start a men's group where you can be properly challenged and supported and develop your character. Be strong, be a man, for your character is your lasting legacy and the only thing you will take with you when you leave the land of the living.

Parenting - Unconditional Time

I spoke with a boy once who told me that his father would always come to his baseball games. He and his father would ride home together after each game. If the boy had a good game, his dad was like a "Chatty Kathy" doll on the way home, and their conversation was positive. However, if the boy had a bad game, there was absolute silence on the ride home. What did the boy learn? To hear him tell it, he was loved if he played well, and he was not loved if he did not play well.

Many of us can recount situations similar to this from our own childhoods. If you received a report card that had one B and the rest As, your parent may have said, "What's the deal with the B." Sadly, many of us can recount stories like this from our own experiences as parents. In our fast-paced, fast-food world, as parents we feel like we are constantly putting out fires. We don't seem to have the time to give freely to our children. What ends up happening is that we have a largely conditional relationship with our children. They learn that they are loved for what they do, not who they are. Certainly, we get excited as parents when our children do well. There is nothing wrong with that. However, we cannot solely get excited when our children do good things.

How do we address this issue? There is no substitute for time spent with our children. My counsel for parents is that they need to carve out some time that they are going to spend individually with their children that is not dependent on the behavior of the children. For instance, I recommend going out for breakfast, lunch, or even coffee with our children once per week. As they get older, especially through their teenage years, we continue to do it, even if they do not show up. We can tell our teenagers, "I'll be at the coffee shop every Thursday at 5pm, whether you come or not." If they do not show up, we have some time to ourselves (which I know is also in short supply). However, we cannot make this time contingent upon whether they come every week or not. This is one of those times as parents, that we cannot afford to have hurt feelings. Our children need to know that some part of our relationship with them is not conditional.

I would welcome other ideas and posts about what you have done to foster this type of unconditional relationship with your children. I would certainly welcome questions and also ideas for potential topics for future posts. Perhaps in the sharing as a community, we can all be encouraged to face our fears of rejection and our hurt feelings. In doing so, we can extend the grace (unmerited favor) of God to our children.

Christian Counseling - Vengeance

What do you do with scriptures which reference vengeance? If you are like most Christians, you tuck it away, knowing that acts of vengeance exclusively belong to God, and believing that even the desire for it is wrong. Instead, you probably have been taught to forgive all offenders.

The problem with the above theology is that it is only partially correct. Christians need to discern between what people say (tradition, error or truth) and what the Bible says (truth). Here are some key references to Biblical vengeance:

1. I Kings 2:1-9 - David asks his son, Solomon, to avenge the murders of others close to him by killing two men, which Solomon fulfills. Solomon's acts might be understood as righteous by the fact that King David had governing authority to carry out the work of God and when Solomon became King he had the same authority.

2. Psalm 109 - A brutal prayer of vengeance against a man and his family for turning against David. Here, the thoughts and feelings of vengeance are acceptable, there is no mention of his sin or confession. David's action of vengeance is prayer in which he asks God to avenge him.

3. Jeremiah 18:21-23 - He withholds forgiveness from his people and prays that God would also do the same and unleash His vengeance. You can follow God's response in chapter 19.

4. Revelation 6:10 - Standing before the throne of God, the saints cry to Him for vengeance on their murderers, which appeared to have happened during the tribulation period. Verses 9 nd 7:14, 15 tell us these people are saints. Saints, who are in heaven and without sin, withhold forgiveness from offenders and think about, desire, and pray for vengeance.

What do you do with scriptures which reference vengeance? Acting vengefully without the authority to do so is wrong, but there is not one scripture verse telling us vengeful feelings, thoughts or prayers are wrong. Yet, everyone needs to determine if they have good reason for these feelings and to pray vengefully.

Christian Counseling - A Response to Newsweek's Essay (October 12, 2009) on "Ignoring the Evidence"

The subtitle to "Ignoring the Evidence" (Newsweek-10/12/09) asks the question, "Why do psychologists reject science?" Some research psychologists hold that "many clinicians fail to 'use the interventions for which there is the strongest evidence of efficacy' and 'give more weight to their personal experiences than to science.'" Even more scalding are comments, such as, it "is an unconscionable embarrassment" and "It's very threatening to think our profession is a charade."
For some clinicians who fail to remain informed and give due consideration to psychological science, they would do well to rethink the use of it and expand their continued education experience. But, the article, and comments from researchers, took a shaming approach with the hope of discrediting those in the field who fail to do what the research says because they think it is the best psychology has to offer and the moral thing to do (italics mine).

Many clinicians would likely agree a gap exists, perhaps a widening gap, between research and practice. Why is this so? For many and varied reasons. Research is still in its infancy. It does the best it can and continues to improve research methods and tools, but it cannot and never will account for all the confounding variables (self-reports, personality, beliefs, etc.) that alter research outcomes. For example, being in an experimental or laboratory setting verses a treatment or counseling room is and always will be different, and so go the conclusions.

Further, it is rare for unsuccessful research findings to make its way to publication, thus skewing the information available to clinicians. Ethically, this is an abysmal practice, and lends to some distrust of publishers and publications.

Clinicians and clients alike do not want a purely logical, textbook approach. After all, it is a relationship, and it is the relationship that heals. Knowledge or science, as important as it is, is secondary. Because of the complexities of human life and personality, flexibility in treatment is required. Infrequently will clinicians value research recommendations over honed intuitive skills, clinical judgment and leading of the Spirit when they are in conflict with each other.


The clinician has the final authority and responsibility to use his or her judgment, along with the client, in deciding what is best for the client. This is understood and acceptable for those in leadership positions--the pilot of a plane, not those in the tower, has the final say about what is or is not safe for those under his care.

As in most any career field, there must be some matching between the personality of the worker and the assigned tasks and methods by which he or she accomplishes those tasks. A reserved, shy person is unlikely to apply or feel comfortable with a the job of a salesperson. Likewise in therapy, a clinician who relies almost exclusively on logic and feels more at ease in a structured environment would be more likely to offer a cognitive (changing thinking) or behavioral (changing behaviors) approach to treatment. A clinician who tents to be more philosophically-minded is more likely to be aligned with an insight oriented therapy (more in depth, looking to history to answer why people feel or behave as they do). If all clinicians had to provide the recommended research treatment to each client presenting with a specific problem, most every clinician would be required to learn approaches that don't fit his or her personality, and job interest, passion and fulfillment would be compromised. Clients would sense these things, which would negatively affect treatment outcome.

Further, no research study has or ever will say their results apply to every person and/or under every situation. Therefore, the treatment must be tailored to the individual and not, as the article would expect clinicians to do, simply lump that individual in with the researched population.

As a final comment, but not exhaustive, research is a time-consuming and costly process. Therefore, the majority of psychological studies focus on the more manageable therapies, such as cognitive and/or behavioral. Research of insight or psychodynamic treatment is very limited because it is often even more time-consuming, costly and can be very complex. As one who uses this latter approach, until it has been given equal research consideration with other methods, I will not assume researched recommendations to be the shinning eastern star that all should follow, but a shimmering candle casting a faint light upon a limited study, and always to be used at the discretion of the one who knows his or her client.

Christian Counseling - Leading Small Groups

If you have led a small group, such as a study, prayer or support group, you know the joy that comes with the position. It is a wonderful experience to see others' positive changes because of group interactions and your leadership. A small group is the most effective human change agent available, even more so when the Spirit is invited to be a part. Aside from the possible growth from a catastrophic event, a group experience has the greatest potential to be life-changing.

To achieve or enhance this outcome, a leader(s) must have a knowledge of group dynamics and have developed organizational and relational skill sets. It is not enough to have a good heart, and know the material to be presented, though these are essential. Members look to the leader for spoken and unspoken rules and guidelines about group process and content. Therefore, everything a leader does, says and doesn't influences every aspect of the group--atmosphere, self-disclosure, sense of community, interactions, freedom to be one's self, member growth, etc.

It is most often the subtle, indirect or nonverbal communications of a leader that create, intentionally or not, an understanding as to what is okay and not in the group. For example, a leader of a non-therapy small group must be self-disclosing in order for the members to reveal themselves, regardless of a leaders direct invitation to open sharing. His or her comfortability with conflict, or lack of, informs the group whether or not they are free to discuss problems with other members or suggest changes to the group structure (time, format, etc.).

A group cannot grow beyond the level of the leader. What a leader knows or not, or has and has not worked through in his or her personal life will either propel the group to new heights or prevent them from growing. His or her strengths and weaknesses are absolutely related to the successes and failures of the small group, but are not the only reasons for them. What a leader fears will be avoided in the group, just as his or her openness to members' new thoughts and ideas will encourage group self-revelation and self-acceptance.

Here are a few other essential leader characteristics and skills necessary for a healthy and successful small group:

1. Facilitating change that comes equally from study materials and group interactions.
2. Openness to the power, influence and direction of the group as a whole.
3. Balancing accomplishing tasks and keeping relationships intact.
4. Attending to both group process (member behavior) and group content (issues being discussed).
5. Developing a theory of group dynamics (i.e., stages groups pass through).
6. Flexibility to allow and reveal group conflict and let the here-and-now experience inform and guide problem solving.

These and other characteristics require much self-understanding and study of human behavior, regardless of one's level of development. Having a couple of experienced people to talk with about starting, developing, and managing a group is necessary for the growth of leaders and members.

Christian Counseling - A Slice of Heaven

All physical and emotion pain will finally come to an end when God creates a new heaven and earth (in the Greek, restores them--Revelation 21). At that time, the tribulation period will be long over, the millennial reign passed, God's universal judgment complete, and time, well, time may no longer exist.

Image no desire or need to look to the past to remember the joy of someone or something. Image a complete absence of longing to remember the "good old days" or reconnect with the past--wedding day, birth of a child, sense of peaceful community or other extraordinary event or relationship. Image having no dreams, thoughts about what could be, reason to plan for the future, or goals to reach, and no need for hope. Image no past and no future, just the moment in which you live--full, complete and perfect, free from all need and desire.

In that place Timeless Jesus is always present. He lights up and warms your heart like he lights up and warms the new earth that no longer needs a sun. He is family, and you are home.

In this utopian eternity, joy overtakes and peace overwhelms. Relationships are wholly meaningful and fulfilling, for all know and accept the essence of who you are, as you fully know and accept them. These relationships are what you searched for and sometimes fought for on earth, when you looked for a soul mate, trusting friends and caring family.

All this is the beginning, without end. It will always be the same new, joyous and pleasurable moment--timeless heaven.