Christian Counseling: Church: Sunday Morning Praise, Worship and Dissimulation

Praise and worship of God is the order for Sunday mornings and really anytime for those devoted to God. Those who are His, know He is the only One worthy of our adoration. The church is ordained by Him and is special enough to be called His bride. Its value is unmatched, except by God Himself. Yet, according to George Barna research, with 10's of millions of born-again Christians who have left the tradition or institutional church and the million or so that is added to their ranks each year, not all is well, far from it. In truth, the crumbling state of our contemporary church is a dead serious issue and should have denominations quaking in their pulpits.

On any given Sunday morning in most any institutional church, the people enter a building with smiles, engage in a round of greetings and perhaps a couple of brief, positive conversations. They sit passively in their pews and follow the bulletin that outlines the upbeat, corporate service that often begins with a hymn, then perhaps announcements, a second, superficial greeting of those sitting close by, Bible reading, prayers, offering, sermon and other activities often led by a sole leader. At the conclusion, the smiles continue as some make a beeline for the parking lot, some have a couple more brief, positive conversations, and a few discuss church business or follow up previous talks that have a modicum of depth.

Below the surface a lot more is going on. But to see it one has to, and I'll date myself, "Put on your thinking cap!" What is going on? What is missing from the above Sunday morning example? What are you missing in your church experience. Of course, there are individual services, as well as periods of time, where all seems well and one is happy with the way things are going when church is assembled. But that will not last, especially as one gets older, becomes spiritually mature and is better informed.

Before getting to what is missing, it is necessary to understand what else is going on. It is dissimulation. It means concealing or disguising one's thoughts, feelings or character. I am not saying there are no genuine smiles or that every single person conceals everything. But the majority of people in the majority of American churches do conceal their negative thoughts, feelings and characteristics. Dissimulation seems to have become a way of life for most Christians in our country. For them there exist subjects, experiences, truths and realities that are off limits in conversation with each other and in which prayer requests long ago morphed into "unspoken" requests (though on rare occasion they are warranted). Examples of taboo subjects include: anger, fear, money, sex, spiritual questions, doubts, and boredom, marital and family conflicts, anxiety, depression, and especially and foremost avoided are those things having to do with one's own sin nature. An example of such would be the rampant porn addiction that affects leaders and laity alike. The result of dissimulation is manifold and, I believe, connected to why so many are leaving the institutional church.

Dissimulation misses and ignores the present imperative, requiring "confessing your sins to one another" portion of James 5:16. I have little doubt the idea of confessing to others strikes fear into a lot of people. Many will claim there are a thousand roadblocks (containing some mixed faulty and truth-filled thinking) to doing it, like: I only need to confess to God, God is in control of everything, no guarantee of confidentiality, concern with what others will think, being judged, fear of rejection, loss of position in church, difficulty with humbling oneself, etc. The price to pay is too high, fear is too strong and no one is going to be the voluntary guinea pig. This resistant thinking is friends with a lifestyle of "play it safe," which is the opposite of the courage God expects in living for Him, even to the extent of losing one's life. Christian's safety resides in the next life, not this one.

Some will say, "Well you can't have confession on Sunday mornings in a large crowd of people." Really, can't? It's not the first place to start, but...  Some may continue to say, "You can have the openness in a mini-church" (or other small group). Speaking to these small groups, save a few, experiencing some minor depth of mutual self-revelation can seem monumental and feel sufficient, so there is the temptation to leave it there and not push the envelope. Of course, any beginning is good, but it is only a beginning. Most don't know and have not experienced a group unmasking that, if properly handled, leads to church as God intends.  

Christians who engage in dissimulation quash the Holy Spirit, cannot offer genuine relationships or participate in authentic community. They cannot experience the depth of full acceptance, belonging, or unconditional love, except to a limited degree. The Holy Spirit is relegated to a few peeps and scripture is applied only to what the individual allows or the corporate body permits, and that, without the necessary and intended checks and balances created by God that should exist in the church; that is, in part, the voices of everyone contributing to the building up of the church rather than the voices of a leader or two. That's what it takes to grow oneself and the church--a plurality of relationships. Every church body has a form of personal relationships and a general sense of  community, but today most all are far, far from His design. As a professional counselor, I believe that at the root of most non-biological mental illnesses is the inadequacy of past and present relationships. Church is meant by God to be the healing force, first to its own members and second to the the world (by our inviting example) to come and find rest from their burdens and pains of life in an environment of life-giving support and nurture.

The alternative to concealing oneself is mutual self-revelation, that is what James 5:16 is partly about--being open, honest and truthful in living one's life out in the open, just as the Bible openly displays its characters. Consider this partial Facebook posting I recently read:

              Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer,                                  
                   Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was
                   moody, Moses stuttered...


And we could easily add to that list other far from perfect, biblical characters. Why does God display the dark side of these men and women? Because that is the example of how we are all to live - in the open, not hidden lives; revealing and not cutting off despicable parts of ourselves. We are not different from one another, we all have a living, active and treacherous sin nature. Why do many Christians agree with that, but publicly act as if that nature was dormant?

For those of you who feel compelled to defend the church from these words, I feel as you, but I will not hide from a discussion of the problems, nor from people, historically and contemporarily, who have incorporated secular principles from culture, religion and business and transformed the church into something unbiblical, especially when I so frequently hear from and see in my clients the silent pain of spiritual crisis and the suffering that results from the repression of feelings and thoughts, from a lack of deep, genuine, healthy spiritual relationships and from the absence of the powerful healing force of authentic community where Christ truly has first place.

I want to see the church thrive, not just try to survive. At this unique time in America, Christians everywhere need to engage in discussion about what church is, means, how it functions and what God is saying to the church today. Seismic activity has hit the church and hurricane winds are threatening (at the time of this writing, the East Coast has had both within a couple of days). Shall we heed the signs and fiercely march toward changing what we can or just hunker down and hope God and others will take care of it all?

What can you do? Here are a couple of starting places.
1. Talk to your small group about the in's and out's of unmasking and self-revelation. First, be informed yourself.
2. Determine you are going to reveal some aspects of yourself, for starters, despite whether or not others agree to do the same. Educate them on what is and is not helpful to you regarding their responses.
3. Form a discussion group of three or more people and study and talk about church, or to say it differently, discuss with each other what you want to give and receive from your group.
4. Consider study materials, such as the writings of: Frank Viola, Neil Cole, Melt Rodriguez, and Tony and Felicity Dale. I warn you that if you are open to what they have to say and ponder it as you look at scripture, you will not be the same.

Christian Counseling - Boundaries of Giving

On our Facebook page (Christian Counseling & Relationship Development, The Center for) I post "A DAILY SLICE OF LIFE." Today's quote and comment is about giving as an antidote to coveting. There are many, many good things that can be said about giving. But, of necessity, we all should ask, "Can giving ever be the wrong?"

Certainly, you will find little to nothing written or spoken about the cons of giving, be it time, talent or material goods. After all, we are told to freely give because we have freely received. We are to give to him who asks and not refuse a borrower. Scripture glorifies the widow's mite, giving all she had. In Acts, we find the early church shared all their goods with each other. And Jesus gave to and encouaged giving to the poor. He even gave the ultimate, His life, for our reconciliation with God. How could anyone ever discourage giving or charge a giver with guilt? It appears giving is always in season in every situation, and, if our feelings are uncooperative, we are pelted with criticisms of being selfish.

But that is not the end of the story. Consider just a few verses and views:

1. "Do not give what is holy to dogs" or "throw your pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6).
2. Jesus did not often give the plain truth, but spoke in parables. He said to his disciples that the knowledge of the mystery of the kingdom of heaven was granted to them, but not to others (Mark 4:11,12).
3. "...if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either" (2 Thessalonians 3:10). We don't give food (or money or anything) to just anyone because he or she does not have it.
4. God does not give us everything we ask for, unless it is according to His will (Mark 6:23). In like fashion, we do not give just anything to anyone who asks.
5. Do we not use discernment in giving? Do we not validate the integrity of a person and his or her need before giving? In tithing, do we not first check out the credibility of a Christian organization (i.e., ministrywatch.com) and insist that a high percentage (about 80%) of every donation go directly to the needy?

Life is complex and so is every situation, even the act of giving. God expects us to be thinkers, to ask questions, seek the deeper truth and not settle for the ease of simplicity.







 

Christian Counseling - Writer's uh...mmm...Block or...?

A little word of caution! This blog does not contain my usual content and its style is uncharacteristic.

At mid-morning I began to write a blog for today. It is now 1 p.m. Writer's block? Yea! There are dozens of reasons for blocking. Mine? Well, today it's about the vestige of perfectionism that slyly rose out of bed with me, secretly drank an energy drink and turned into the likeness of a Tasmanian devil (Tas). Nothing was good enough to write about today, much to his glee and my groans!

Sometimes I secretly wish I was a little (more?) on the narcissistic side because everything I would write would be just great. In that vein, I might even agree that "Life is a bowl of cherries." But I know the Tas would be quick to point out the pesticides on the cherries, the stem is inedible, somewhere in the world there are sweeter ones, and one could choke and die on a pit. At these times, what I wouldn't give to have the problem written in Proverbs 21:2, "Every man's way is right in his own eyes..." How happy, at least for a little while, is one who is blind and ignorant and possesses a massive array of psychological defenses. One of the negative consequences of knowing psychology is that it is very difficult for me to put my defenses to good use without me knowing what I am really doing.

Okay, so where is this going? Well, I cautioned you. So, what is right in your eyes; what do you think? Is this writing about one take on writer's block, a simple slice of humor, about nothing in particular, or is it about a blank slate onto which you can project your own meaning? Of course, the answer lies in the uh...the...title, well, it also has some attempted humor and it's a blank slate too. Heck, if you cracked a smile, I am happy. Just consider this a mini vacation, unlike how my day is going.

Christian Counseling - So Little Time, So Much To Do!

Who hasn't wished for more time in the day or a week? If we, like the Beatles, had "Eight Days A Week" and if we, like them, could spent it on a "want to" like love or something pleasurable instead of a "have to" like a chore, perhaps we would all wholeheartedly agree with the catchy clothier saying, "Life is good."

However, we know the problem is not time, but rather things like: management of time, high expectations,  perfectionism, a hurry up driver, fear of making mistakes, having too many interests, faulty beliefs, difficulty making decisions, attention deficit, expressing and maintaining personal boundaries, and not planning, setting goals, asserting and delegating. Generally, one of the main problems is not saying "No!" to a request for one's time. Saying "Yes!" prevents a person from feeling guilty and self-imposing a negative evaluation of being selfish. Saying "Yes!" often enough leads some into a life of resignation or giving in in order to please others at one's own expense. Eventually, many people get stuck in these conflicted thoughts and feelings, which take on a life of their own.

Some attempt to solve the problem by taking a cognitive or intellectual approach by signing up for a time management course. Though this can be helpful and should be looked at as one of many things needed to be addressed, by itself it will likely fail many because it doesn't sufficiently consider and remedy the emotional side of the problem. Gaining self-understanding and seeking knowledge and wisdom through prayer and the help of others is necessary to quiet the frustration of so little time, so much to do. Ironically, in spite of all the world's inventiveness, time has become more precious than ever and, I predict, the sense of not having enough of it will only get worse in the future. Therefore, the time to act is now.

Christian Counseling - Who Gets The Best Of Your Love?

In my opinion, the best rendition of the song "Best Of My Love" was released in 1974 by the Eagles. The melody is as sad and captivating as are the lyrics--"Here in my heart, I give you the best of my love...But we both see it slippin' away." This is the paragon that highlights what most people believe love is...a feeling. But, it is a feeling that rises up and can evaporate like the morning dew, despite one's best attempt to love well.

Fairy tales from romantic novels and movies promote the idea that the only human love that exists is the feeling one. It is the one that supposedly keeps people together forever because the feelings are so powerful and special. There is not one doubt in me that it is awesome and even extremely helpful in bonding and attachment. But it is only a "part" of love, and it fades over times. At some point, most ask, "Is that all there is? Isn't there something more?" It happens for a thousand reasons, one of which is the love hormone (oxytocin) stops being produced after about 17 months. People then discover that love, like any other feeling, is fickled. It feverishly flies, fearfully flounders and faithfully falls. While romantic love gets seriously challenged, the bonding action of it helps hold people together. But that is most often not enough. The Greek word used in the Bible used for this type of love is "phileo," which refers to feelings of affection.

We are fortunate that God tells us there is another love that is higher than phileo, and He has demonstrated that love toward His Son, Jesus, and to all humanity in sending Him to earth. We need to grasp and religiously practice what the Bible refers to as "agape" love. This is the love that goes on further than the Energizer Bunny, for it does last forever. It won't run out of energy because it is not about feelings. It is about an irretractable, binding commitment or covenant that is based on a decision of the mind and an exercise of the will; it's a head thing, not a heart thing. Thus, agape love is beyond the influence and control of everything and everyone outside of the person who loves and even the object of love, regardless of his or her behavior.

If you, by virtue of practice, possess the greatest form of love, agape, and center it in all your relationships, then everyone fortunate enough to be a part of your world is getting the best of your love.