Christian Counseling - The Sense of Community Lights The Way

In the 80's, President George H. W. Bush spoke about a "thousand points of light," which referred to the many people who's beacons shine because of their societal contributions. Acts such as these give the world another reason to believe in America's great and generous spirit and help solidify its exceptionalism. People's light inspire others to similar action in their communities and/or serve as an attraction beckoning people to come and live in the Land of the Free.

As Christians, we are given the honored title and responsibility of being the "light of the world." In a world that's dark, light attracts. What light attracts the most? There is nothing like the light of genuine community. A diverse group of people who are unified by love around spiritual truths and the wondrous presence of God. Unfortunately, this is not the state of the institutional church in America who has lost sight of true community, but seems to be the property of only a few small groups. The powerful and telling words of Jesus reflect the importance of community in His priestly prayer in John 17:23, "I in them and You in Me, that they [Christians] may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me." Christians in genuine community are the spiritual thousand points of light.

A genuine community is open (not reserved in the give and take of love, honest criticism and deep self-disclosure), accepting (without condition, despite being so different in looks, customs and beliefs--there's ample room for individuality), a place of unique belonging (we are family. As Jesus said, family is no longer about biology, but spirituality-- Matthew 12:46-50), committed to God and one another (like the strong unconditional covenant God makes with us and exemplified in the relationship between Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18:1 and 2 Samuel 1:26 and other verses interspersed between them). The focus of such a group is on the here-and-now; that is, the relationships between self, God and others who are present. Group tasks and book studies, etc. can distract people from the primary focus of relationships that are happening in the room. Harmony, safety and love rule in genuine community, even when they are in conflict. Such people don't just showcase the sense of community, they live it with each other, out in the open. Who wouldn't be attracted to that?

Are you in a genuine community of believers who shine like this to each other and those outside? Don't settle  for less. Find, create or reform a group (with a couple of others) and develop that community. Jesus wants it and every person needs it. It starts with one person who is willing to live the life. Is that you?

Christian Counseling - "The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself"

In the America of 2011, fear is an ever-present emotion for many. Fear is an equal opportunity offender. It can impact young and old, rich and poor. What do we have to fear? Well, for many, their fears are economic in nature. For others, their fears are about people we love who are in harms way in far off lands.

Whatever the nature of the fear, its effects on us are similar. Perhaps the worst effects are the feelings of impending dread as well as loss of control. As the fear grips us, we feel less and less in control of our lives. The feared situation and object seems to grow in size as we spend more and more time ruminating on it. As it grows, we feel more and more powerless against it.

The problem with the fear of a future event or possibility is that, since it has not yet come to pass, there is very little we can do in the present to deal with an event that has not happened yet. For example, many people today are concerned with losing their job. In this case, the fear is likely worse than the reality. Think about this for yourself. If you actually lost your job, you would wake up the next day, the sun would still rise, your family would still be there, and you would begin to cope. You would call people you know to begin networking. You might start sending out resumes. Certainly some of the things you would do after losing a job you could do now if you fear losing a job. In fact, it is helpful when you are fearful of something to examine whether there is something you can do today to help loosen the grip of fear.

There is a limit to what we can do today to prepare for something that might happen later. A wise person once told me that if what we feared actually came to pass, we would likely handle the dreaded event better than we handle the fear of the possibility of the event. Finally, I don't mean this next statement to sound trite. Remember that the God we worship is much bigger and more powerful than the whatever we fear. Join me in spending time in His word to gain a deeper understanding of not only His great power, but also His great love for us His children. God bless you as you work to conquer whatever fears grip you.

Christian Counseling - What Drives People Back To Porn Use?

The information in this blog comes from my counseling experience and not research.

It is tragic that many Christians view pornography on the Internet. Its incidence has increased for many reasons, including a growing amount of content that is offered for free, which eliminates credit card use and protects the viewer's anonymity. It is an epidemic, even in Christian circles, even among our leaders.

The timeline from occasional use of porn to addiction is most often short, but is sometimes not discernible because it occurs instantaneously. Some indicators of porn addiction include: a negatively altered user's life, secrets and lies that hide the truth, and a person who weekly (an approximate, not a fixed time) yields to the compulsion to look for sexual excitement.

The factors that attract and drive men and women back to porn use again and again are many. Christians understand one's sin nature pulls people to do things their minds and part of their hearts know is wrong and don't want to do (Romans 7). Some stop their analysis there, make confession and pray they won't succumb again. That formula, though necessary and a part of recovery, by itself is rarely successful. What many fail to deeply understand is that we are also human and there are many psychological drivers of porn use.

My counseling experience has shown me that central to the human side of every person's occasional use or addiction is the need for more and/or different relational connections. Here are three of several emotions that are very frequently attached to relational connection needs--loneliness, anger and anxiety. To better understand their relationship consider porn use as a relational connection via sex. Consider also porn use as a way to reduce the misery of those three feelings, which are almost always connected to people. We are lonely for people. We get angry with people. And we feel anxious about our relationships with others--what they think, feel and might say or do to us. If we don't work these things out directly with others, we leave ourselves vulnerable to unhealthy alternative ways of connecting with others and things (food, shopping) that can become addictive. These alternatives provide only temporary comfort by reducing the strength of negative emotions, like the three mentioned above.

The solution to the psychological side of porn use is to review one's quality and quantity of relationships and compare them to one's desires and fantasies (comparing the real to the ideal). The discrepancy between them should be minimal. Also, turning toward other people, as well as God, to meet underlying, previously mentioned (and other) needs of pornography use is necessary in overcoming the addiction, especially doing so the moment temptation strikes. 

Christian Counseling - Making Your Vacation Last

Most people who go on vacation can attest to its health benefits, such as: feeling more relaxed, happier, less anxious, more at peace, and more tired (coming down from the adrenaline rush of everyday life) and/or more energized. One of the great treasures of time off is time together, with those you love. Bonding without many of the usual distractions of everyday duties fills one's emotional tank. These wonderful experiences yield other fruit, like the fond memories that are recounted in one's older age and giving people one more reason to be thankful to God about life.

The health benefits of vacation, however, are short-lived. Recent research has shown that within the first week to month, many of the health benefits fade out. One of the studies concluded that job demands contribute to the fade-out. It also suggested that making time for things that are relaxing and enjoyable can prolong the positive effects of vacationing. I suggest regular downtime and maintaining the bonds and intimacy with family and friends, along with developing an attitude that highly values physical and mental calm, which is critical to a happier life and health.

What benefits do you derive from vacationing? What do you do that helps you maintain those vacation benefits?

Christian Counseling - ADHD in Children and Food Coloring

For more than 30 years researchers have investigated the link between food additives, such as food coloring, and children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Even though additional research is needed, the current consensus derived from studies is that the additives account for about 10% of ADHD symptoms or the disorder. They report, "diet alone is probably not the driving force behind ADHD symptoms such as inattention, hyperactivity, or impulsive behavior." 1 

It is also reported that radical diets (eliminating processed foods, additives and a number of fruits and vegetables, such as the Feingold diet) is of no benefit to most children. If parents wonder whether or not diet affects their children, then consider the following common sense advice. Reduce the primary sources of additives (candy, soda, junk food, etc.) to see if it results in a positive change in behavior or reduced symptoms. Maintain a sensible, nutritional diet and support your child's involvement in physical activities.

What is your experience in dealing with your child's ADHD and food additives like dyes? Has it been helpful to reduce or eliminate them or not?


1 Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. FDA: No link between food colorings and hyperactivity in most children. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. July 2011: Vol. 28, No. 1, p. 8.

Christian Counseling - The Perils of Moving

My family is moving this month. While the move will be good for us, the thought of packing up all of our accumulated "stuff" is difficult to say the least. You see, I hate moving. Yes, hate is a strong word but the appropriate one in this case. In fact, moving either myself or helping others move is one of my least favorite activities somewhere near root canal or being forced to sit through a marathon of the "Saw" movies.

However, this process we are going through is not unlike some people's experience of therapy. In order to move from one house to another, we have to go through the years of belongings often throwing things away that we need to leave behind. The older we are and the longer we have lived in one place, the more work this entails. Even though the destination can be exciting, often we think long and hard about whether we want to go forward. No matter how much we think about it before hand, moving is much more difficult that we first imagined and filled with surprises both good and bad. For younger people who have not accumulated as much in terms of things or relationships, moving can be easier. For my 6-year-old daughter, she is excited to "get on with my new life".

For those of you who have been through therapy, you can probably easily see the parallel. Therapy requires counting the cost of moving forward, going through the many emotional "possessions" we have accumulated over the years, and can be discouraging as we go through the process. As we proceed through therapy, we must always be mindful of the destination that awaits us. While where we are may in some way be comfortable, it is not where we can experience the greatest heights and depths of life. As we embark on our physical move, I wish those of you godspeed who have started an emotional move of your own.