Christian Counseling - Polishing God's Promises

"God is on display to the world, salvation of souls is at stake and I can help save some by making Him more attractive through polishing up His promises." What Christian would espouse such a belief? But I have no doubt there are some. There are others who verbally deny this way of thinking, yet act in a contradictory way.

A few weeks ago, while driving to work, I heard this statement made by a pastor on a local Christian radio station: "I guarantee you if you live rightly with God you will have His protection." All of us have heard similar promises about blessings of all kinds, if we just do what is right. Generally there is some truth in this statement. But as a blanket promise it cannot be found in scripture. Some promises are a compilation of verses that are consciously or unconsciously distorted for the purposes of the interpreter. Why do some think they need to embellish the work and Person of God? Are these people trying to capitalize on bringing more people to God because they enhance His image? God isn't appealing enough on His own merits? Embellishment is a lie of a different color, and there are significant consequences for those who believe such false promises.

Perhaps as you, I was given many polished promises in my early and middle years as a Christian, and I believed them because they sounded so nice and comforting and offered me a sense of security and love. They came from good people. The ideas sounded so wonderful they had to come from God. But shockingly, the heartache overtook me when I allowed myself to face the truth that a number of my beliefs didn't match the reality of my experience or my understanding of the Bible, like what the pastor said on the radio. In truth, there is no guaranteed safety in this world. Consider God's proclaiming Job to be a righteous man, but who greatly suffered, physically and emotionally. Jesus, who was without sin, paid the ultimate price of an extremely painful death, as have other good people who have been martyred. The only promise God makes about our safety is in regard to our salvation, which is fulfilled in the next life, not this one.

I have encountered many clients who needlessly suffered from serious disappointment, anger and doubt when God didn't turn out to be the God presented by others. I have sadly witnessed those who completely abandoned their faith after such a spiritual crisis. Polishing God's promises has far reaching negative consequences for the holders of false, but seemingly wonderful, romantic and soothing beliefs.

Can you identify with any of these polished promises? God will bless and is only happy and pleased when people:

 - stop attending to themselves and give to others
 - never wound another person
 - always forgive everyone, no matter what
 - have need of only faith in Him and the Bible for healing one's wounds
 - realize they don't need anything or anyone but God
 - believe that nothing happens outside of God's will, as He is always in control of everything.
 - consider the past is past, forget about it and move on.

I have no doubt you can create your own list. Care to share one or two of them with others on this blog?
 

Christian Counseling - Beware Media Reporting

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/HeartHealth/diet-soda-linked-heart-attack-stroke-risk/story?id=12868269

Recently, the media began reporting on a study linking diet soda to increased stroke risk. A search of the Internet for "diet soda and stroke" came up with 1,400,000 hits. The above included link provides the best information I could find describing the study and its limitations. The problem with much of the material I viewed on the Internet and on television is that the study is presented as having found a cause and effect relationship between diet soda and stroke. This is simply not true. The data is correlational in nature. Therefore, there is a relationship between diet soda and stroke risk, but the nature of this relationship is not understood. The ABC News article does an excellent job of describing the other possible variables that may account for the relationship between diet soda and stroke.

Another problem with some media reporting is that, while they discussed the limitations of the study, they also encouraged people to cut back on their diet soda intake. Why? If there is no causal link between diet soda and health concerns, why would someone need to curtail their diet soda intake?

Finally, what is also problematic is that studies like this one are then used by some politicians to change public policy. It is likely that, in the near future, a state senator somewhere will write a piece of legislation designed to increase taxes on diet soda, using this study to say that there is an increased public health risk stemming from diet soda intake.

As always, we must be cautious about media reporting of scientific studies, and, when research is correlational in nature, we must consider the other variables that might be influencing the results. Remember, just because the rooster crows and the sun comes up, it does not mean that the rooster causes the sun to come up.

Christian Counseling - Hypoactive Sexual Desire

Those who have a low sexual drive and a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies, as determined by a clinician, that also causes personal distress or interpersonal problems would be diagnosed with Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Self or partner determined diagnosis doesn't make it so. A lesser problem would be that the person has only traits of the disorder. From time to time, we all experience some lessened desire.

Low sexual drive or desire may be global or situational (experienced only with one's partner or one type of sexual activity). This person would rarely, or not at all, initiate sex, be reluctant to participate unless pressured by his or her partner and infrequently engage in sexual activity.

The causes of a low sexual desire are many and often include more than one of the following:
       Biological - thyroid, gonadal, adrenal, menopausal, medications (SSRI anti-depressants), pain, etc.
       Psychological - guilt, disgust, stress, fear, anxiety, depression, being sexually used or abused, etc.

The research on this disorder is anything but conclusive regarding effective treatments. It seems to me that an individual plan for each couple is best suited. That is not unlike the approach Jesus took in talking with people about their problems or questions--no single approach works for all people because everyone is unique. Research suggests that increasing a person's sexual desire is anything but easy to do. This is not meant to discourage people from pursuing help, but to align their expectations with reality. Treatment can provide at least some help, sometimes significant help.

It is a common belief that if a couple can work out their non-sexual relational problems that sexual desire and activity will follow. The research doesn't support this. It seems sexual desire and activity are separate, to a good measure, from the quality of one's emotional relationship. However, this is not often  the case for a new relationship where sexual desire grows in the garden of a loving and safe relationship. Down the road a few years couples who experience a good amount of sexual conflict must learn again how to develop their sexual relationship.

Christian Counseling - One Benefit of Social Relationships

Although the benefits of social relating are numerous and far-reaching, a recent study highlights how much they affect longevity. A meta-analysis was conducted on 148 studies that researched the effects of health outcomes and longevity on 300,000 people who averaged 64 years of age.

The study revealed a "50% greater likelihood of survival when compared with those who are isolated or have poor social relationships." Further, it is thought having socializing regularly adds a survival advantage that is equivalent to stopping smoking and twice the benefit of regular exercise or maintaining normal weight.1

One theory as to why health benefits exist for those who socialize, to which I subscribe, is the result of our need for connection. One characteristic of being connected to others is the opportunity to receive trusted support from close friends, family, etc. This is especially helpful when people are most open to and need support--during the trials and stresses of life. Support likely reduces anxiety and depression and offers hope, which have a positive effect on health. Other research shows there is a strong association between depression or anxiety to increased risk for physical health problems, such as coronary heart disease.

It seems to me that most all problems in life (some of them physical) are the result of relationships gone bad. Therefore, the obvious help, sometimes cure, for them are healthy and redeeming relationships with God, others and even oneself (i.e., positive self-image and self-statements). The Bible is clear, there is nothing more important than good relationships. One reason relating is so critical to human life beyond physical health is it makes possible acceptance, love, understanding, joy, salvation, and purpose in life.

  
1 Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. Socal relationships and longevity. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. February 2011: Vol. 27, No. 8, p. 7.   

Christian Counseling - The Unseen God

There is a homework assignment I often give to married couples. I ask them to look for and write down the good things that their spouse does for them during the week. In most cases, it is amazing how quickly their perspective changes regarding their spouse. You see, once we build up a negative image of someone, we tend to take in the information that confirms our hypothesis about them, while disregarding the information that would contradict our hypothesis. Another way to say it is that we tend to find what we look for in life.

There is a second reason an assignment like this can be helpful. When our spouse does something that we struggle with, we can look back at the things that we have written. While it may not and often should not eliminate our anger or disappointment completely, it will help to put the present situation in some perspective.

I have recently been reading the book of Exodus and have wondered what would have happened had the Israelites done their homework regarding God. God continued to bless them, yet, at the first sign that they are not getting everything they want, they start to carve graven images. I have often thought how much easier it would be to follow God if only I could see a burning bush. Many people I have spoken with have said the same. Yet, as years pass, I realize that, often, we are more like the Israelites than we would like to admit.

There is often real and profound disappointment that we deal with in our relationship with God as we open our minds and hearts to have a deeper understanding of who He is in our lives and His role in the world. This is an extremely difficult process for many as our original Santa Clausian ideas of God are challenged by our experience of life. As we wrestle with these issues, we need to remain mindful of God's past and present provision in our lives. If not, we are likely to end up like the Israelites or like a teenage child who, while coming to grips with the fact that mom and dad are not perfect, forgets the good that they have represented in their lives.

Christian Counseling - Time Magazine Brief on Mental Health and Video Games

Time (January 31, 2011, p.17) printed a brief article on "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." The study included 3034 young students in Singapore (up to middle school age) in which Douglas Gentile, a researcher at Iowa State University, participated. He concluded that addicted gamers were more likely over two years to become depressed, anxious and develop social phobias. The researchers classified 9-10% of the participants as "addicted" or "pathological" (though I wonder if the classification should have been excessive playing rather than addiction - confusing). (Some of the study's details were obtained from sources other than Time.)

 Gentile also stated that those who were addicted and stopped gaming had less symptoms of depression, anxiety and social phobia. The simple conclusion made at the end of the article is that gaming causes these symptoms or disorders. But causation cannot be determined by correlation studies, just that there is an undetermined relationship or association. It could be these three mental health problems developed as the result of the common struggle, especially with young people, to develop self-esteem and a positive self-image, which can be challenged by quick reacting computers that can easily trash gamers' serious efforts to consistently win. The repeated defeats can easily lead young gamers to conclude they are a failure, a loser and not as smart as their peers. Over time, these negative experiences can result in feelings of depression and anxiety, especially if gamers rely on winning for self-definition, which I believe often happens.

It is highly possible that addictions or excessive gaming, or being obsessive or compulsive about anything for that matter, are a substitute for the great human need for satisfying and healthy relationships.  Substitutions are chosen, for example, when a person is not socially well-developed or when relationships have deeply and repeatedly wounded a person. It may feel far safer to relate to a game where one has more control or, at least, the illusion of it.

Parental awareness and involvement in their children's gaming habits is a part of good and necessary parenting. There are times they should step in and set boundaries around the types of games and number of hours played (19 hours of gaming a week is the average, though that doesn't mean it's good or healthy, while the study's "pathological" gamers played about 31 hours a week). If or when parents restrict their children's play they also need to redirect them to other things or relationships that help give them balance and develop other skills.

Sometimes gamers, if they cut back or stop gaming, feel restless and bored. It is important for parents to assess these feelings in their children. It may be they have reconnected to feelings they attempted to avoid by gaming, which have been long standing, apart from game playing. Depression and anxiety have many faces, two of which are restlessness and boredom.