Christian Counseling - Memorial Day

"Four score and seven years ago our father's brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now, we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus so far nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us; that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion; that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation. under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." Abraham Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address", November 19, 1863.

Nothing more can be said but to have a safe Memorial Day as we honor our fallen.

Christian Counseling - Tolerance Of The Unknown

There are many things in this world we don't know and many we will never know. Is that thought discomforting to you? It is for most people who look for a sense of security that comes from knowing. This knowing provides structure or a way to understand ourselves, others, God and the world. The degree of structure desired varies with individual makeup and seriously impacts many life choices, such as: avoiding spontaneity, over thinking safety, marital choice, parenting and career decisions.

To some point, the unknown is uncomfortable to everyone. We don't like bad surprises, some don't like any surprises at all. If life could be predictable, we would rest easier. We would prepare ourselves for the droughts of life and avoid the evil in the world. However, our lives are very limitedly predictable. A person's great intolerance of the unknown suggests an underlying, strong feeling of insecurity and anxiety.

To manage those uncomfortable feelings people have developed many coping mechanisms. One of them is focusing on a particular image of God or creating a theology which eases the discomfort. For example, you have likely heard a theology that goes something like this: "God is absolutely sovereign over every detail of life. Nothing happens in this world without His stamp of approval (directly or indirectly)." This belief is an attempt to make life more predictable and acceptable, eliminate disturbing surprises, and provide security in knowing that only God-directed events can occur in this world. This helps people cope with their intolerance of the unknown. Do you see anything wrong with this theological (man made) belief? If you don't and you are comforted by this belief, you may not want to read on.

The negative consequences of this belief are numerous. What do you think happens when a severe tragedy occurs in Christians' lives who completely rest in that belief? Most often they deny their emotions, try to convince themselves the entire situation is God's will and intended for good. They cut off their human feelings of hurt, anger and shock. Over time, these unattended troubling feelings acts like a fox that ruins the vineyard of their good relationship (Song of Songs 2:15) with God through fear, doubt, distrust, insecurity and diminished feelings of connection with Him.

Not everything that happens in life is of God. Sin is never his intention, nor are the evil consequences that follow. But they happen in this world more than 6 billion times a day. What He promises is that He will work out any bad circumstance of life for our good when we turn to and invite Him to participate in our healing (Romans 8:28 ). Further, if every detail of life's happenings were completely directed by God, He wouldn't say, "Do not grieve (in the Greek, cause pain to) the Holy Spirit of God" (Ephesians 4:30). If He has absolute control over everything, why would God do this to Himself?

Our faith should not rest in false theologies that distort life in order to comfort us or manage our troubled feelings. We need to be strong enough to tolerate the unknown and unpredictable, which is the way of human life. Our faith should rest in the truth that He sees, He knows and He is at work for our good in all circumstances, even those that are foul and unintended.

Christian Counseling - "Time Heals All Wounds"

Many people believe and live by well-known and popular sayings, such as "Time heals all wounds." Have you taken the time to think about the veracity of such commonly spoken words? How does an abstract thing like time heal? Can it heal?

No, it is a myth. If time could heal there wouldn't be any long-term consequences of pain or serious mental health disorders and you wouldn't be reading this counselor's blog because there would be little to no need for my profession. We wouldn't much need the hand of God to redeem and deliver us from our troubles because we could depend on time to rescue us in a little while. Perhaps all we would need is a few pills to help us through the temporary pain until time did it's thing.

What time does do is diminish the experience of pain by putting distance between the hard event and the present. Over time it's easier to cope with heart-felt grief or bitter loneliness because memories fade and feelings dull, but the damage is done. Tragic events, as well as small and repeated ones, change us, and we rarely forget them. For example, unattended to grief is buried within and causes people to fear future grief. Becoming self-protective is a common reaction to severe pain and can be seen in people's avoidance of intimacy, depression, anxiety, etc. Pain continues to negatively influence its victims over their lifetimes, unless they attend to them and work them out with the help of the God of possibilities.

What heals all wounds? Revelation 21:1-4 expresses that God only, not heaven, not angels, not people and not time can heal our wounds. Although all of these things and beings can ease pain, it will take an act of God to "wipe away every tear" and put an end to death, mourning, crying and pain. His supreme act will take place at the very end of time--after the great tribulation, Christ's thousand year reign, Satan's temporary release on the earth again and the final judgment of every person or spirit. It will happen when the new heaven and earth are birthed by God.

How very difficult it is to image a world without any pain and the fear of it, but it's coming, promise.

Christian Counseling - Creating God In The Image Of Personal Need

As discussed in a previous blog, the God we serve in Christ is an image or representation of Him that we create from biblical truth, life experience and our needs. That image, of course, is far from perfect. Only when we see Him face to face will we be able to replace that image with the real McCoy.

Joel Osteen is the pastor of Lakewood (Mega) Church in Texas. I refer to him as "Mr. Positive." Twice in the past year I have watched interviews of him, one of which was by Larry King. He is consistent in answering questions about looking at the hard and difficult side of life and helping people cope or work out their personal issues. His answers were along the lines of, "Yes, we all have problems, but God is gracious..." He continued the interviews by talking about the sunny side of live while completely avoiding the dark side. To avoid any part of reality (positive or negative) is done so to our determent. While we need to dwell on the good and encouraging things in life, we, like the apostle Paul, should not ignorant of the wiles of the devil or avoid studying Revelation, which exposes the sinister side of humanity.

I don't personally know Joel Osteen, but his dismissal of negative truth cautions me about why anyone would do so. Whatever the answer, it's not pretty. Possibilities that cross my mind are: he is catering to what some people want, reacting to distasteful negative preaching, fearful of conflict or lacking understanding about the depth of people's pain and the process of healing. In the end, he paints a distorted picture of God--life is wonderful and we don't need and, by implication, shouldn't even consider conflicts or problems. One or more of Osteen's needs create this one-sided view of God, leading people to shun a large portion of God's teachings that come from life's hardships.

In varying degrees, all of us distort the image of God according to our needs throughout our lifetimes. Loneliness drives us to the comfort of God's warm presence. Anxiety looks for God who gives peace. Depression gravitates toward God who offers hope. Chaos searches for the God of order. Insecurity pulls for God who is safe and sovereign. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with looking to God to meet our needs. He wants to be there for us, and in Jesus' words He asks, '"What do you want me to do for you?"' (Luke 18:41). The problem lies in overwhelming needs that drive people to distort the image of God by focusing almost exclusively on one or two of His attributes, and this, over many years or a lifetime. The result is a lop-sided theology of God. It sets people up for spiritual crises when their expectations of God don't meet with the experience of reality. It results in our dysfunctional over use of defense mechanisms to cope with life, which causes psychological problems--depression or personality disorders, for example.

What is your image of God? How do your needs influence your created image of Him? What are the common themes of your prayers? Do you overly focus on specific characteristics of God that lasts for years or a lifetime? What aspects of God are you uncomfortable with or tend to avoid?

Christian Counseling - To Pass Or Not To Pass

Among the issues that I deal with in therapy are students in danger of not passing the grade in high school. It is often around this time of year that these problems come to the fore. Often the realization that the teen may not pass is followed by frantic efforts on the part of the school and the parents to work out some arrangement for the student to pass. This effort, while well-meaning, may not be in the best interest of the teen. Yes, it is important that the teen pass the grade. However, it is also important that they learn that their actions have consequences. The teen needs to take responsibility for their own behavior.

We are constantly teaching our children. It is a matter of what we are teaching. There is a distinct possibility that by rescuing them, they may not realize the problems inherent in their behavior, and, thus, may not change going forward. This is an argument that has been made in terms of the government bailing out Wall Street. The danger is that they may repeat the same behaviors going forward and find themselves in a similar situation again and again.

Certainly, there are times when aiding a student in this predicament would be the right thing to do. If the student is repentant rather than oppositional, then helping them through the situation might be the right thing. However, I often find that we as parents are more invested in our children succeeding than they are. If this is the case, then helping can move to enabling. I often ask clients how long they plan to be on the earth. If a person is going to live 80 years on this planet, repeating one year of school or going to summer school is just a blip on the radar screen. If the consequence faced helps them to grow, then the blip would be a lesson well learned.

There is another problem with rescuing children. Not only may they become dependent on help in the future, but they may also be hindered in their development of empathy. There is a growing body of research that shows when teens do not face consequences of their actions, they are less likely to develop empathy. This lack of developed empathy has been cited in a number of cases of athletes who commit crimes, most recently the UVA Lacrosse player accused of murdering his ex-girlfriend.

Finally, there is wonderful scene in the movie "Glory" in which a drill Sergeant is training a less-talented recruit harshly. The Colonel, who is a boyhood friend of the recruit, questions the methods of the Sergeant. The Sergeant confirms with the Colonel the childhood relationship. He then says, "You two grew up together? Let him grow up some more." We are training our children for a tough and sometimes unforgiving world. We need to make certain that we are helping them grow rather than enabling them to stay the same.

Christian Counseling - Therapy Guidelines for Teenagers Part One

If you find yourself considering seeking therapy for your teenager, here are several guidelines to help you with the process. These are guidelines I share with parents who have some concerns about their child.




First, make sure you look at your child from a global perspective. What this means is that you should not focus solely on one area of their life when deciding whether they might need help. Here are some areas to look at:



1. School Performance

2. Emotional Life

3. Family Life

4. Social Life

5. Spiritual Life



By thinking about their life in these areas, you can have a more well-rounded view of your child. If they are having significant difficulty in one area or moderate difficulty in more than one area, it may be a good idea to seek help for them.



When you take your teenager for counseling, there are usually two situations that might arise. First, it is determined that the child would benefit from counselling, but counseling may not be imperative. If this is the case, I usually encourage parents to bring the child for at least one session. If the child decides they want to continue, then therapy continues. If they decide that they do not want therapy, although they might benefit from it, I usually encourage parents not to force their children to go. There may come a time, in the future, that the teenager decides they want to seek therapy. If they have already gone for therapy once, the process of getting them started becomes easier as they have already met a therapist before.



The second situation is one in which it is determined that the teenager needs therapy. In this case, the problems are severe enough that therapy is not an option but an imperative. In this case, I usually tell parents that they need to bring their child for therapy for at least 6 months, whether the child wants to go or not. The parents need to prepare themselves for the teenager's negative response to going to therapy, but still take them anyway. Although the teenager may be oppositional at first, typically, if they come regularly for therapy, they will begin to open up to the therapist. If the parents are not prepared to do this, then the therapy is usually ended prior to the teenager benefiting from it.

Christian Counseling - Creating God In Your Parents' Image

Our image of God is not something we are born with, nor is it like a finished program we download into our computer and run. Every one's image is created in piecemeal fashion; one idea or part of an idea at a time. Our image of Him changes and grows as we delete one thought or belief about God and add another. It's never complete, never without flaws and only a representation of God, not God Himself. This constructed image undergoes lifelong revisions.

Our image of Him is not just made up of what the Bible says, it also comes from the human or psychological side of us. Just as the world looks to Christians as representatives of God, so we, at a young age, look to our god-like parents who represent other people and God, for good or ill. Their attitudes, beliefs, words and behaviors are introjected (unconsciously incorporating aspects of others into oneself, which become part of one's personality and internal world). This collective image of our parents and significant others is transferred to other people and to God. Our images of people and God are enduring; that is, difficult to change, but not impossible.

If one's parents are unloving, uninvolved and uncommunicative, a child would tend to think and feel the same about God, although other people along the way may also positively influence this image. A kind and giving grandparent may be a saving grace to a child growing up in this kind of unhealthy environment. Without the good grandparent, the child would likely be somewhat relationally distrusting, distant and self-protective and fear committing to people and God.

If you want to know why you feel attached to God or can't connect, look beyond present influences to past relationships, which form the foundation for future relationships. Also helpful is developing new and deep relationships with two or three others where one can learn to trust and experience the joy intended in connecting to others and God.