Christian Counseling - Banning Tanning

It is becoming ever more obvious that Man's logic is not the same as God's. The most recent example of this is the FDA considering banning the use of tanning beds for people under the age of 18. There could be multiple reactions to this story. Now, I am am not now nor have I ever been someone who has entered a tanning salon. My exposure to the world of tanning is limited to a "Friends" episode where Ross ventured unsuccessfully into a salon. One would only have to take a look at the Casperesque whiteness of my skin to know that tanning is not something that I think of very often.

As a society, we see people who are tan and thin as being more attractive. This is an interesting phenomenon since, prior to the 1900s, the opposite was considered attractive. If you look at the art of the 18th and 19th centuries, you will see that people were considered attractive if they were pale and, shall we say, slightly on the chubby side. The reason for this was that if you were pale and heavier, it meant that you had money for food and were not working outside. These were all attractive qualities at the time. Now, some of you may be thinking that I was born in the wrong century. Maybe if I was born earlier, I could have been the George Clooney of the 19th century.

There is another reason that the tanning issue is interesting to me. Actually, I find it more infuriating than interesting as it shows again how far we have moved away from God. We are interested in banning tanning because it is harmful to teens. However, that is not the only reason. If that were the case, we would ban all kinds of things that teens are involved in today. It is not just that it is harmful, it is that we consider teens judgment so poor that they cannot make the determination themselves about what is healthy or unhealthy for them. So, the government is interested in banning something that is potentially harmful for the teen because they do not yet have the ability to consider the long-term consequences of their actions. However, teenagers are encouraged to engage in sexual relationships and allowed to get abortions in many cases without parental consent or notification.

As we approach the celebration of Jesus' death and His glorious resurrection, I am reminded more and more of how our society is desperately in need of a Savior. Please join me in praying for our country. In addition, please pray for our leaders, including President Obama, that they will not just serve the will of the people, but will serve the will of God. Pray that our leaders and our fellow citizens will stand as one in defense of the sanctity of life. God bless you all this Easter.

Christian Counseling - Self-Accusation

Of the few names Satan is known by, "devil" is one that refers to him as a slanderer and accuser. We are all familiar with the scene recorded in Job chapter one where he stands before God and accuses Job of allegiance to Him only because he and all his possessions are protected. In essence, the devil is asking, who wouldn't stay in a relationship with God who completely takes cares of him. Further, the devil is saying, remove that protection and Job, or anyone, would abandon God. We know the rest of the story.

The point here is that of being accused. We know people do this to others for many reasons. Some do it because some accusations are true and need to be shouted from the roof top and some do it because of evil intentions--to hurt another or get something they want. As obvious and harmful as most of these are, there is something potentially even more damaging and insidious--self-accusation.

The good side of self-accusation is its necessity in helping us own our sins so that we can make confession and change our behavior. We tell God about our wrongdoings, ask Him for forgiveness and turn away from doing those things again. If people could limit self-accusation to that, it would be right and healthy.

The downside of self-accusation is that it hurts one's self-esteem and self-image, increases false guilt (feels the same, but there is no real offense), feeds self-doubt, creates anxiety and fear, results in anger directed at oneself and can cause depression. It's insidious in that a few negative self-statements don't really have a negative effect on a person, but do that over months or years, well you get the idea.

It's surprising to me that most people who engage in these negative self-comments aren't aware of how often they do it or how seriously it affects them over time. They become so accustomed to what they do they lose perspective. yet, when they keep a journal of the behavior for a week or two they are often surprised as well.

Changing this behavior is most often very difficult. Largely because it's a complicated issue (what isn't). We can see that in how self-accusation can significantly increase a person's sense of guilt, as well as temporarily decrease the sense of guilt after one has verbally punished himself or herself. It is complicated because it can become an ingrained behavior that is supported by strong beliefs, such as I deserve what I say to myself or this is what God would say to me. Really? God doesn't give us what we deserve, and He calls it mercy. Instead, He gives us what we don't deserve, and He calls that grace. What He wants us to do is to own our own sins, request forgiveness and leave the chastisement to Him, if He chooses to do so (most of the time, He doesn't).

Loving our neighbors as ourselves, as the commandment suggests, requires self-love. It is something He wants and expects us to do for ourselves, just as He does for us and He does to Himself. For the most part, self-love, mercy, forgiveness, grace, compassion, acceptance, etc. are incompatible with self-accusation. We all need to develop these attitudes and behaviors until they become part of our character and we find liberty from condemnation, which God so desires for us.

Also, we need self-boundaries, such as, "I will attend to and use self-criticism to gain self-understanding and for the purpose of confession, however I will go no further. I will not beat myself up with words, for then I become like the devil--using self-accusation destructively. Jesus sufficiently paid the perfect and complete price for all the wrongs I will ever commit, and I can't improve on that by punishing myself."

Christian Counseling - Catharsis: Use and Misuse

Catharsis refers to the release of emotions that have been pent-up. It comes from the Greek meaning to purge. Most people believe the expression of strong emotions is healthy and a necessary part of healing. However, in the last few years there have been contrary statements about the harm of expressing anger.

Studies, such as Bushman, et. al. (1), suggested people who are encouraged to release their anger or hostility (catharsis) became more aggressive than people who don't express their feelings. These studies led some in the general public and a number of clinicians to discourage emotional expression of anger and hostility. However, it appears more likely that the problem was not the feeling and expression of anger, but the absence of moral and relational principles to guide the manner of expression and what to do after expression. In other words, the subjects didn't seem to have any guidance about healthy emotional expression and lacked the necessary tools, such as forgiveness and reconciliation, to help them finish what they started.

Another problem with this particular study is the Grand Canyon leap from the idea that catharsis doesn't reduce angry, aggressive emotions to concluding that expression can be harmful and should be avoided because it begets more aggression. Their underlying belief associated with that idea is that catharsis alone is supposed to provide resolution. The truth is it can provide temporary relief from the burden of strong, troubling feelings and help people learn to express themselves, but it's not meant to be the end-all technique of resolve.

Catharsis is meant to be a stepping stone toward healing and change. It is only one leg of journey; one tool in the toolbox. It leads to self-discovery, which lends to motivation and direction. Expressed emotions are meant to assist conflicted people in working out the problems. Indeed, there is a period of time during cathartic discharge when there is an increase in felt emotions.

Most clinicians know that unpacking any emotion will heighten a client's awareness and experience of that feeling. Moving beyond a person's defenses in therapy will surely increase the felt strength of whatever emotions are being addressed, such as: anger, depression, and anxiety. This is normal, expected and often beneficial provided the person continues to process the feelings and associated memories, and not stop at catharsis.

The goal is not just the release of emotions, as the research studied, but to use the power and energy generated from the cathartic experience to take appropriate action. It's the latter action, such as having an appropriate conversation with an offender, that helps bring a final and more complete release of emotions and the opportunity for relational resolution. And that resolution is dependent upon being guided by moral principles and good relational conduct.


(1) Bushman, Brad J.; Baumeister, Roy F.; and Stack, Angela I. (1999). Catharsis, aggression, and Persuasive Influence: Self-Fulfilling or Self-Defeating Prophecies? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Vol. 76(3), 367-376.

Christian Counseling - Are We Really Friends?

Today, like any other, I logged onto my Facebook account to see what my friends were doing. One was getting ready to go on vacation. Another was having medical tests done. Yet another was saying they had a good sandwich for lunch (I may have to de-friend that one). I could not help but ask myself, "When was the last time you actually spoke to any of these people?" The truth is, I have not spoken to any of the people mentioned above in quite some time (actually years).

Perhaps you do a better job of keeping in touch with your Facebook friends than I do. I doubt it, though. If you are like me, between work, marriage, kids, you rarely have time for much else. Facebook gives us the illusion of close relationships with a great number of people. However, we cannot possibly keep in touch with that many people.

The illusion might not be so bad if it did not impact our other more significant relationships. However, I have found myself growing satisfied with keeping up to date with people in my life through Facebook. My deeper, more intimate friendships have been relegated to a check of Facebook status. This is not healthy for me or for any of us. First of all, we cannot have intimate friendship with 765 people. Our number of Facebook friends does not indicate who our true friends are. Second, we cannot have healthy relationships in 140 characters or less. We need to spend time physically and in conversation to develop intimate friendships.

Among many things, what Facebook allows us to do is to never feel the sadness of friendships changing or ending. There are many people who have been important to us over the years who we have lost touch with for many reasons. As we think of these friends, there is a mixture of joy in the memory and sadness in the loss. However, being realistic, our lives have changed. Many people are important to us in chapters in our lives. Some continue on and are important throughout the entire book of our lives. Just because someone's chapter has closed does not make that friendship any less real or valuable in the scope of our lives. It is OK for us to move on to new friendships. It is also OK for our friends to have moved on as well.

Take stock of your current friends. Who are the people with whom you would like to spend your time? Keep the list small and be deliberate about seeking those people out. I know it is difficult to find the time to invest in deep friendships. If you're stuck, here's a novel idea, take the time you spend on Facebook and spend that time actually talking with someone on your list. Good luck!

Christian Counseling - Universal Guilt

Guilt is a self-conscious feeling of having done something wrong, of being imperfect. It's a warning device telling us we missed the mark. In the wilderness, when hikers fail to observe and follow trail markers they veer off the safe and intended path, leaving them vulnerable to consequences. Ultimately, a person may lose his or her life. When we fail to adhere to just one of God's markers, our spirits die. Yet, it is great news that we can be rescued by faith in Christ. He puts us back on the right trail.

Guilt is often coupled with a desire to undo the misbehavior through activities, such as confession and making up for the misdeed. Most people believe they deserve to be punishment for their poor behavior. This produces a sense of fear and anxiety over upcoming punishment. Once again, God extends His grace to us by saying there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ.

Theologically, we all have a sin nature and, therefore, we all have inherent guilt, whether or not we feel the guilt. All people in all their relationships are guilty of making mistakes and harming others, regardless of their good intentions. Every parent, child, coworker, boss, husband, wife, pastor, counselor, friend and family member has universal guilt, again, whether or not it's felt.

One of life's great tasks is for all of us to work out our universal guilt. This is done through being open to and ready to communicate with those who offend us or whom we offend, soon er or later to all with whom we regularly relate. The most unattended to and unfinished, problemed human relationship exists between a parent and adult child. Guilt rests on the souls all parents and their grown up children because on one is perfect. Every parent and adult child needs to squarely define their individual mistakes and openly discuss them with one another. This requires a series of exploring conversations and isn't something that can be done in one or two talks.

Expect to encounter resistance within yourself and in the other. For example, I have had several parents tell me that their adult child quickly discounts, excuses or forgives any parental wrongdoing, leaving little room for open and honest communication. In the end, most parents don't feel relieved by these kind of talks. Perhaps God experiences the same thing when His adult children offer confessions, which are often only a few sentences long.

Allowing oneself and strongly requesting the other sit in the thoughts and feelings and explore the history and impact of those experiences will permit a rich exchange from which both can emerge guilt free.

Christian Counseling - Source Of Conflicts II

In September 2009 I wrote about Source Of Conflicts (I). The Bible reference was James 4:1-3:
"What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?" It basically says that we desire things we don't have and go about getting them in ways that create conflict. And it says, "You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives..."

Our carnal or sin nature is one chief reason why we have conflict. But, conflicts also come from God, the devil and people's mistakes. Therefore, we must discern the origin of each conflict to know how to respond. Before king David was king he sometimes found the discernment to be very difficult. For quite some time, David could not figure out if God directed King Saul to kill him or that Saul (man) was responsible for this bloodthirsty quest (I Samuel 26:19).

Some conflicts (trials) come from God. Philippians 1:29, 30 says, "It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for Him, since you are going through the same struggle you say I had, and now hear I still have." I Peter 4:19 says that, at times, we suffer according to God's will. In these conflicts we are to courageously endure for Him who did the same for us. We talk with God about these problems and look for support from other Christians.

Some conflicts come from the devil. Revelation 12:9, 10 tell us that Satan (devil, dragon and serpent) deceives and accuses people. His purpose is to confuse, frustrate and destroy. In verse 11 we are told to be overcomers of evil through the salvation of Jesus and righteous attitudes and behaviors. We resist him and draw close to God.

Lastly, some conflicts come from people. Beyond the sin nature that rests in the hearts of every person we also make errors and mistakes. People don't intend on hurting anyone when driving and texting, but it happens. We don't mean to offend others with our words, but we do. We manage these conflicts through things, like: getting wisdom, learning to be patient and extending grace--forgiveness, mercy, reconciliation, acceptance, etc.

On the flip side of conflict, there is righteous fighting. We also fight for things, like peace in our relationships and truth to rise above falsehood. For example, Jesus said to his disciples, "'Do not think I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword"' (Matthew 10:34). Here family members are in conflict with each other over whether or not Jesus is the Messiah. Also, in the last days, Jesus will return to fight the battle of Armageddon (Revelation 16:16).

Some of our conflicts are unavoidable, but how we understand and manage them is up to us, and that can mean all the difference in our experience and the outcome.

Christian Counseling - Seeking Nirvana Through Perfectionism

Nirvana is the painless state of perfect happiness. Some believe this can only be achieved in heaven. Others, like the Buddists, believe we can transcend the world, our physical bodies and emotional desires and enter that blessed state during our earthly lives. We all seek, to varying degrees, to be free from emotional and physical pain through a variety of healthy and unhealthy methods--love, shopping, power, sex, reading, counseling, drugs, fantasy, perfectionism, food, spiritual connection, etc.

Perfectionism is the belief that one can and should be without flaw, error and mistake and not fail at anything. It is paradoxical that Christians who seek to be perfect often admit no one can achieve a state of sinless living while on earth. Perfectionists require themselves and/or others to live up to an impossible standard of behavior. The consequences for being unsuccessful include: frustration, anger, guilt, feelings of failure, troubled relationships, anxiety, depression and poor self-esteem and self-image, to name a few.

We are to become Christlike, but how fast and how much is determined by each person's thoughts and desires because God doesn't provide these instructive details. When Scripture says we are to be perfect, it means only "complete," which refers to a lifelong pursuit of being sanctified. Ecclesiastes 7:16 says, Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself?" Solomon, the wisest man ever, knew there are and should be limitations to seeking things, like wisdom and righteousness. The Bible also says Jesus came in order that we might have abundant life. That's "abundant" (in the Greek, advantaged or superior) life, not "perfect" life. Anyway, even if we could attain to being perfect so that we might approve of ourselves and protect ourselves from criticism and rejection, Jesus was perfect, but He was rejected, maligned, hated and killed.

Perfectionism is not a savior. It is a weighty albatross that grounds productivity and joy. The antidote to perfectionism is learning and accepting "good enough." The good enough is about reasonable and realistic adequacy and not about doing just enough to get by.

What has helped you in your recovery from perfectionism?

Christian Counseling - Monitoring Your Teenager

When most of us were growing up, it was pretty easy for our parents to monitor our relationships with peers. If we were talking on the phone, the phone typically had a cord that could only reach so far. If they were in earshot, they could eavesdrop and get some idea of the content of our conversations. Now, with the increase in technology, it has become more difficult. As an example, most teens have cell phones with unlimited texting. With texting, they can be having numerous silent conversations while in the presence of their parents. In addition, they can be texting under the covers well past midnight.

Along with the increased technology, we are also experiencing numerous changes in family structure. The increase in single-parent households as well as the number of dual-income families has decreased the amount of time parents are spending with their children. As a result, parents are often anxious about what is going on in their child's life and looking for other ways to monitor their behavior.

As I work with families, here are some guidelines in terms of monitoring your teenager:

1. There can be no reasonable expectation of privacy for a child on the internet or their cell phone. Information we post online or text to someone can potentially be hacked by someone else or shared by the person we gave it to in the first place. Therefore, parental monitoring of text messaging or email can be appropriate.

2. I recommend that parents insist that they are added as Facebook "friends" on their teens account. Again, Facebook is not a place to post your most private thoughts as they cannot be expected to continue to be private for long once they are posted.

These guidelines of monitoring are not meant to replace a relationship. As parents, we need to be investing time in our relationship with our children. Monitoring email or text messaging is like following your child around. You can follow them around without having a relationship with them. Many people, when in high school, have a crush on someone, and through observing, not stalking, come to know who their friends are, what they like to do, what they like to eat, etc. However, this does not constitute a relationship. They could know all of this information and still have never spoken with the person.

Finally, there is a significant areas that is off limits when monitoring your teen. This area would be their journal or diary. When someone writes in a journal or diary, they are not intending for anyone else to read what they have written. The writing is designed for them to understand themselves better and express themselves. There is an expectation of privacy that goes with keeping a journal or a diary. Many parents are tempted to read their teen's journal or diary. It is a quick way to get at information that they may never feel comfortable sharing with you. While tempting, this violation of trust in the relationship can, and usually will have significant long-term consequences to the relationship between parent and child.

If you are considering reading your teen's diary, please see it as a sign that there is a brokenness in your relationship that needs to be repaired. In addition, the desire may also reflect significant concern regarding some aspect of the teen's life that needs to be addressed. Address the concerns in a healthy way by attempting to have a conversation with them. If they will not talk to you, consider seeking family therapy to begin to bridge the gap.

Christian Counseling - Managing Anger

Living with someone who is, shall we say, intermittently angry, can be extremely painful. Many in this situation start to change their behavior to not "offend" the angry person. Whether the angry person is a son, daughter, brother, sister, spouse, or child, our behavior will change in an attempt to not "set them off". We try to predict what could possibly make them angry based on past experiences. We avoid situations where they could get angry.

"I can't ask him to go to dinner with my family because I'll never hear the end of it."

"I have to leave my daughter alone to do her homework. If I try to talk to her about, she screams at me."

"Why is it my brother screams and yells, yet he gets his way all the time? It's not fair."

These types of statements are common in families that deal with an angry person. What we eventually come to understand is that managing some one's anger is impossible. Angry people simply get angry. As we try to predict what they might respond in anger to, we end up blindsided by something we could not predict. "I didn't see that coming" is a common refrain.

Rather than trying to manage their anger, we need to think more about how we are going to respond to their anger. We cannot change anyone, but we can make it difficult for them not to change. As the Marine's say in basic training, "We can't make you do anything, but we can make you wish that you had."

Our efforts to manage someone else's anger is an effort to gain control of the situation and remain safe. Since we cannot keep someone from getting angry, we need to focus on ourselves and how we are going to maintain physical and emotional safety regardless of whether the person changes or not. In some cases, this will result in setting emotional boundaries. In other more extreme cases, we may need to forge physical boundaries for our safety. Remember, however, that when we set boundaries, either physical or emotional, the boundaries are designed to protect us, not change the other person.

Christian Counseling - Is God More Pleased With People Who Have More Ability?

Billy Graham, the "great American evangelist," is a scandal-free man of God whose great works are well known--involved in tens of thousands of people coming to the Lord, started the Hour of Decision radio program, co-founded Christianity Today magazine, and prayed with every U. S. president from Dwight Eisenhower to George W. Bush (http://www.answers.com/). Jokingly, I have heard people, as well as myself, ask with a hint of jealousy, "I wonder what rewards await him in heaven?"

What isn't a joke is that some feel they can't measure up to the likes of a Billy Graham. Further, they question or believe that God is more pleased with his children who produce greater works. In the minds of some, the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30 give evidence to God's greater pleasure with those who do greater works.

To refresh your memory, the parable is about a wealthy man who gives five, two and one talents (each talent is 1200 ounces--silver is likely) to three slaves and charges them with managing the money, according to their ability. The first two men double the amount given to them, while the one with one talent hid it in the ground out of fear of his master being a hard man. He earned nothing for him. The owner rewards the first two by saying since they were faithful with a few things, he will put them '"in charge of many things"' and invites them to '"enter into the joy of your master."' But the '"wicked, lazy slave"' forfeited his only talent, and it was given to the one who earned five talents. Does it appear God is more pleased with the faithful slave that gained five talents then the one with two?

Of course, an owner, or God, has every right to give what he or she wants to whomever he or she wishes. The issue under review is whether or not people who have and use their greater natural ability and/or greater results producing gifts of the Spirit (pastor, teacher, evangelist, etc.) have an advantage over those who don't possess them? And will God favor and honor those who produce more during their lifetime?

Part of the answer is found in the parable. God gives the same blessing and reward to the first two slaves despite the fact that one earned five talents and the other two (:20-23). There is no distinction made by God in their reward or His attitude toward them. So, why give the one talent of the lazy slave to the one who earned five talents instead of two?

Perhaps if God had two talents to take back He would have split them between the two faithful slaves. In any case, the one who earned two talents is not less honorable, trustworthy or rewarded than the one with five talents. It is not about one being better than the other in God's eyes for both doubled their holdings and both were faithful, the latter being what this parable is about. They both showed their sufficient faith or trustworthiness through their works, irrespective of the differences between the total amounts gained.

What pleases God is that each of us uses what we have and what we are given for Him, according to our ability (:15). Nothing more can be asked of us. This faithfulness finds favor with God, regardless of whether we are involved with winning ten people to the Lord or 10,000.

To further reveal the heart of God concerning this issue, consider what He says about Christians with less honorable and results producing gifts in I Corinthians 12:23, 24, "and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable...But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked." God is not partial. Our works will not be compared to others like Billy Graham, but against our use of what we have and are given, according to our individual ability. He is not more pleased with those having greater ability, but is equally pleased with those who are faithful.

Christian Counseling - Rescuing Is Not Always Helping

We rescue people who are in need of help; those who can't help themselves, such as a drowning person or Haitian earthquake survivors. Discerning between rescuing and helping gets more complex in situations, like a 20's something gets arrested for drinking and driving or adult-children who get themselves into financial debt beyond their means to pay it back.

This often becomes conflictual in marriage as the opposing answer to how to handle a situation with their adult-children is battled out between them. Men and women frequently differ in their view of discipline. Most men take the position of thinking about the task--learning lessons, so rescuing is often secondary. On the other hand, most women think that the relationship is more important than the task. In the above examples, more often men would allow their adult-child to remain in jail and pay the fines (lesson learned), while women would rescue him or her from jail by paying the fines (relationship over task). Similar choices would be made by couples for those in serious financial debt. Two of the problems in these situations are that most women have great difficulty in coping with their son's or daughter's troubled feelings and would feel guilty if they didn't rescue. A second problem is men can lack deep empathy and/or devalue the importance of relationship. Deciding on whether the task or the relationship is most important is not always easy. It is best if one can keep both, but that is not always possible.

Most parents with means would help those who were first time offenders, but if it were the fifth time, we'd likely all agree rescuing wouldn't be appropriate. Sometimes the helpful thing to do is not rescue or save people from their problems, but let them wrestle, learn the skills and develop the confidence that they can save themselves. These can serve as motivations for avoiding bad decisions and future problems.

Inappropriate rescuing enables the violator's poor choices. It teaches them that irresponsibility can pay off and others will save them. It teaches them that dependency is permissible and comfortable. It also teaches them that thinking of oneself without due consideration for others is an acceptable ideology. A key point in discerning between rescuing and helping is asking whether or not the troubled people can help themselves. If they can, then rescuing is most often inappropriate.

The apostle Paul had to separate out rescuing from helping. In I Corinthians 7:7-11, he writes of his struggle with the need to confront the church and his desire not to hurt them. He labels and defines two types of experiential sorrow--worldly and godly. The former has no redeeming value, but the latter leads to change. Since this latter sorrow is good, we should not rescue people from those painful feelings or situations. Instead, we can stand with them and provide support. In the end, Paul gives assent to the idea that helping others is always right, but rescuing, one way of helping, may not always be the right choice.