Christian Counseling - Generational Change

Consider a man who is having difficulty in his marriage and with his children. As a result of being on the verge of divorce, he embarks on a therapeutic relationship. He first begins therapy at the request of his wife. Actually, it is likely more of a demand than a request. You see, being a father and husband has not come naturally to him because he never had a healthy example of a loving father and husband in his own home as a child. At first, he engages in therapy to simply avert disaster in his marriage. He tries to deal simply with behaviors that would fix the problems as quickly as possible. As therapy progresses, he begins to deal with the darkness that is his own heart and starts the process of deep healing. Rather than simply behavioral change, he is changing his heart. This is a long and often painful emotional process. Yet, the man perseveres through the pain. Through the commitment to therapy, he finds that his marriage has improved, and he has grown as a man.

The above-described change would be enough to make the pain and cost of therapy worthwhile. Yet, that is not the only hope that therapy provides. Some of the benefits of therapy the man may never see with human eyes. This is the generational change that can happen as the result of someone facing their issues.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is the book of Ruth. For one, it is one of the only books that focuses on a woman and the incredible impact that a faithful woman can have. I also love the end. I always enjoy the end of movies when they tell you what happens to the characters in the future, and Ruth ends the same way. (Spoiler Alert). If you have never read the book of Ruth, go read it now before you continue reading this. What is amazing is that at the end of this book that in large part is about simple acts of faithfulness, we see the ultimate payoff. Ruth is part of the Davidic lineage and, as such, part of the lineage of Christ. How about that for generational impact!

The generational change for the man in our story? As a result of the difficult work that he has done to be a better husband and father, his children may never have to experience the pain that he has. You see, they will have a good example of a father and husband in their childhood home. In addition, they will see the courage of someone who was willing to lay down their pride and face themselves. This change does not necessarily end there, but can go on for generations.

Many of you can probably point to a change like this in your family. Whether it was the first person to go to college or the first person to accept Christ, these people in our families open a door of possibilities for all who follow.

If you are thinking about therapy and the process of change, but are hesitant, think about the possible growth that can happen in your life today and the lives of future generations. If you are in therapy and going through a particularly painful time of self-discovery, keep you eyes on the prize and know that the courage and faithfulness you show today will echo through generations.

Christian Counseling - A Response to Newsweek's February 8, 2010 Article, "The Depressing News About Antidepressants"

In 2002, research on the effectiveness of antidepressant medication was conducted by Irving Kirsch and colleagues at the University of Connecticut. In reviewing FDA held data from published and unpublished studies he found that the treatment effect of medication over placebo was negligible for mild and moderate depression, but significant for severe depression. In other words, antidepressants not only don't cure depression, but they offer very little to no benefit to those with less than severe depression. Add that to the high cost of the drug and the side effects, and one must rightfully ask, "What's the point in taking antidepressants, if one is not severely depressed?"

Generally, the placebo (dummy pill) effect accounts for somewhere between 22-35% of the reported positive effect of any treatment. Yes, snake oil can help about one-third of those with depression or any other emotional or physical ailment, provided they believe it will work. This shouldn't surprise Christians because we know that the faith factor in life is incredibly important. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." And Jesus could perform only a few miracles in His own hometown because of the disbelief of the residents.

The ongoing debate about the benefits of antidepressants hasn't much reached the mainstream since it began in 2002. Apart from drug companies, the FDA and drug researchers, most of us had no knowledge of the truth. Further complicating this lack of understanding has been recent research supporting the benefits of antidepressant medication (see January 2010, The Journal of the American Medical Association). Again, the benefits reported to in that article is due primarily to the placebo effect. Also, some of those in the field of research and medicine don't want to tell readers or patients the truth because their depression will resurface when they lose their faith in the drugs.

Some Americans take pride in being "able to handle the truth." Most all of us believe we have the right to the truth. But two years ago I read that about 50% of American medical doctors, much more in China, don't believe in telling their patients much in the way of bad news, as it confounds the benefits of treatment. In truth, without providing knowledge (good and bad) to the patient, he or she cannot give informed consent (voluntary agreement to be treated, which is based on having all available facts in hand, so that one can intelligently make an informed decision). Also, should patients discover their medical doctors withheld vital health information from them, distrust is likely to corrupt the relationship.

The research seems pretty clear that antidepressants (most of those prescribed today) aimed at increasing the brain's serotonin or epinephrine has very little to no effect on depression. The same article mentioned above reported there is an antidepressant medication approved in France, which showed the same dismal effects, even though it aims to decrease those brain chemicals. The bottom line is, perhaps levels of serotonin and epinephrine are not related to depression. Looking for a bit of good news by now?

There is strong evidence that mild to severe depression can be successfully treated by psychotherapy, and it's not just a placebo effect. For sure, it is not a cure all, and it doesn't work for everyone, but then again, nothing does. A Christian might think that if he or she lives rightly, depression and other illnesses should remain at bay. They may also believe that they should be able to avoid or pull themselves out of mental health or emotional problems quickly because of their faith and God's promises, such as the abundant life. However, there is only a little truth in that kind of reasoning (I am not referring to scripture or God). The additional reality is that "all of creation groans" (Romans 8:22) and that "in this world you will have trouble" (John 16:33) in all areas of life including mental health.

Depression negatively affects marriage and family relationships, work productivity, and enjoyment of life and causes physical illness, such as coronary heart disease. Be wise, get the help you need.




What have you found that has helped you manage or overcome depression?

Christian Counseling - Successful Treatment Outcome: One Essential Characteristic

There are many characteristics that effect treatment outcome and only a few which are essential, such as a therapist's experience and competence or a client's motivation and participation. But the one research supported characteristic having the greatest impact on outcome is the therapeutic alliance--the relationship or goodness of fit between client and therapist. About a third of change happens as a result of the alliance.

A common belief of many therapists is that "It is the relationship which heals." It is not the therapist's knowledge or experience, though they are important, that best guarantees treatment success, but the quality of relationship between a client and therapist.

What comprises a good therapeutic alliance? It is a complex issue. Because people are different, so is what a client desires or needs to establish a connection with a therapist. For example, is alliance based on logical parameters (agreeing to and working on a set of goals) or a feeling of attachment? Ideally, it should be both. Some therapist characteristics that build alliance include: trust, collaboration, respect, caring, genuineness, empathy, acceptance and nonjudgmental attitude. The client/therapist relationship is enhanced when these characteristics belong to both parties, not just the therapist.

Evaluating the therapeutic alliance is critical when choosing a therapist. Of course, the only way you can properly determine that is to see him or her for a session or two. If a person has not established a fair amount of alliance by the fifth session, he or she should talk with the therapist and seek resolution. If it's not resolved, the person may be better off looking for another therapist. An exception to this would be if a client has significant difficulty in trusting and attaching to others. In this case, it may take months or, for some, years to establish a therapeutic alliance. Progress can still be made without much alliance, but it will be limited or slow going until the alliance is formed. Then again, for these people, perhaps the overarching goal of treatment might be or should be understanding and developing relational attachments.

Christian Counseling - Marital Ennui

"Love Will Keep Us Together." In the early 70's Neil Sedaka wrote and released this song. Shortly thereafter Captain and Tennille made it a hit. "Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone. When the others are turning you off who'll be turning you on? I will, I will, I will, I will be there to share forever. Love will keep us together." This lifelong commitment is a part of almost every vow couples make to each other. But for Christians and otherwise, about one-half fail to keep it.


The love that is popularized in songs and is a must for most couples considering marriage is the romantic kind; the feeling of affection. This early love is glorious, necessary and bonds people, but the power of its passion is unstable and doesn't last. In a previously blog I mentioned after 17 months or so oxytocin ("love hormone") is on the wane. The world, including many Christians, views this feeling love to be the most important ingredient for a happy, stable marriage. In one way, it is surprising that many Christians hold this view because they are taught agape love (a Greek word referring to a logical decision process, not related to feelings) is the highest form of love. It is this kind of love which committed God to Israel and moved Jesus to come to earth. We have control over this type of love, but we don't have control over the feelings of love.

It is seriously problematic that many Christians are seduced by society into believing as long as you have "feel good" love that your partner is a keeper, but if it fails, it is OK to play the field again. Facing the reality of how truly difficult it is to make a marital relationship work is a shock and intolerable to quite a few.

God doesn't want people to be maritally committed only because it's His law, while ignoring feelings. He doesn't want any couple to be greatly unhappy for the rest of their lives because of a troubled marriage. He wants people to see themselves in light of whatever relationship they are in; to change who they are; to become more Christlike; to set relational boundaries and not tolerate their partner's poor behavior that can destroy the "goodness" of a marriage relationship.

When people see themselves in the raw they most often realize that it's not only their partner they are having trouble with and feel unhappy about, but it's also their own troubled world of feelings and faulty thought patterns. Couple those with a history of unmet, premarital needs and family-of-origin emotional pain that is expected to be met or healed by their marriage and disaster awaits. These unrealistically burden a marriage and puts it's life in jeapordy.

Some couples need to end their relationship; that is, they need to end the way it is and not necessarily end it by way of divorce. (Of course, God makes provision for divorce, but that is another subject for another time.) Seek to end the unhealthy parts of marriage by doing everything you can and availing yourself of all resources, then see what troubles remain, and what final decision you want to make. Perhaps, as others, you will find loving feelings buried underneath your grief, disappointment and anger.

Christian Counseling - Family Guy Insensitivity

To begin, I do not agree with most of what our society calls "political correctness". In many ways, we have become too sensitive to perceived slights and insults and have become much too easily offended as individuals and as groups. That being said, a recent episode of Fox's Family Guy has not just crossed the line but leaped over it further than Carl Lewis could have ever dreamed. In the episode, the writers not only insulted Sarah Palin, but also her son Trig, who suffers from Down Syndrome. When did it become acceptable to attack the children of public figures? Worse, when did it become acceptable to attack the developmentally disabled children of public figures?

Having worked with many families who deal with the challenges of raising children who deal with developmental disabilities, they deserve our admiration not our scorn. When we have children, we dream many dreams for them: playing sports, excelling in school, getting married, providing us with grandchildren. For those with children with disabilities, may of these dreams will not become reality. While raising their children, they also have to grieve over some of the dreams that may never come true.

In addition, when we think about parenting, we know that at some point our direct role as parents will end (hopefully around 18, but, in this day and age, more likely 25). However, for parents of those with disabilities, their job as parents never ends. They need to think about and make plans for what will happen to their child even after mom and dad have passed.

With all of these struggles, they should not have to deal with people insulting them or their children. In Sarah Palin's case, whether you agree with her politics or not, by raising a special needs child and by raising awareness of the needs of the disabled, she is doing a noble thing.

With advances in pregnancy testing, we are already aborting many children who would be born with Down Syndrome. We need to work toward protecting them both before and after they are born. I have written a letter of complaint to Fox regarding the broadcast of the Family Guy. I would encourage others who feel the same way to do likewise.

Christian Counseling - Brokenness Can Be a Good Thing

In order to be fit for military duty one is trained to give up his or her old thoughts, ways, pursuits, etc.; that is, life. Drill Instructors (DIs) physically and emotionally humble a person until he is broken. They will ride a person, and encourage the platoon to do the same with a hard case, until he cries "uncle." Only then can they rebuild their soldier as they wish. Sound familiar? It should!

There is a similar course Christians must travel--brokenness, death of the old self and being recreated into a new person with character who is readied to productively carry on the work of Jesus. Scripture doesn't present God as a DI or One who breaks people, even though some of the trials of life come from Him. He really doesn't need to do much of that, as there are enough trials and tribulations in the natural course of life.

God's place is to be "near to the brokenhearted" and save the "crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). And He delights and is pleased with sacrifices of "a broken spirit; and a broken and a contrite heart" (Psalm 51:17). But don't expect God to save a people from their pain. His is with those in pain, yet He saves or delivers after the brokenness. A person may resist being broken and needlessly suffer years of pain before they finally give up their ideas, ways and lives.

Christians, like soldiers in boot camp, after losing their lives are eager to find another. They are open to new thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Jesus led people to lose their lives for God. His words created a disequilibrium within others, causing them to have to rethink their beliefs in order to find homeostasis or inner peace. Such was the situation with the rich man who asked Him about salvation. Jesus threw him a curve ball when He said he needed to give all his riches to the poor. Jesus invited brokenness, but the rich man saved himself from the pain of brokenness by refusing. His brokenness could have resulted in him turning to God instead of finding his own salvation in the comfort and security of his wealth. (Matthew 19:16-22)

What good, but painful brokenness might you be resisting? Don't fear the future, God's presence will be of sufficient comfort, along with those you ask to travel with you. If you believe it is wise and the right thing to do, let go of what you have (idea, relationship, position, etc.). Your faith will help carry you, and in the end, God will deliver you.

Christian Counseling - When Your Heart and Brain Don't Agree

As humans, we all occasionally experience disparity between what we feel and think. Our range of responses to them vary from curious to seriously anxious, depending on the value we place on the issue at hand.

Most of us have experienced or heard of someone who believed God loved him or her, but didn't feel it. We've also known what it is like to be generally angry without it being attached to anything in particular. And some think it is right to fully rely or depend on God, but feel they can't completely trust Him. I'm sure you can fill in many of your own examples.

What causes the incongruence of thought and feeling and what can we do about it? There are two primary reasons this happens--dissociation and the lack of knowledge. Dissociation is a psychological defense. (Our defenses are unconscious until they are brought to light, so you may not immediately connect this with your own behavior even thought it may exist.) Dissociation is a splitting or unplugging of feelings from thoughts. We can disconnect from any part of an experience, which serves to protect us from a harsh, scary, and unacceptable reality. The extreme end of this is dissociative amnesia. It occurs when a person fails to recall important information about oneself, i.e., memories, in the midst of a traumatic situation.

It have been common, in my 30 years of counseling, to find most Christians dissociate their anger for God or consciously minimize it to the point of avoidance. Most view being angry with God as sinful. Yet, it's a frequent reason biblical characters wrestled with God (Jeremiah, Jonah, Moses, Habakkuk, etc.). There is no scriptural evidence supporting God's rejection of or retaliation against people having angry feelings or thoughts about Him. However, carry that out into behavior and God will lovingly provide some discipline.

The lack of knowledge is the second reason that incongruence between thoughts and feelings exist. We all need to be more knowledgeable about ourselves. This comes by way of facing and analyzing the depth of our feelings and thoughts, which permit the cut off parts to surface. This then gives a person the chance to integrate the two into one, or to connect thought with feeling, which leads to a sense of the experience and oneself being whole.

Our knowledge helps us reason that God is never wrong, and that can leave us thinking our anger is unjustified and we are refusing to accept God as He is. Yet, correcting our thinking through getting knowledge doesn't always resolve our anger or other negative feelings, such as doubt or fear of God. This can be a result of other assumed facts which are unrecognized and in error. Sometimes it's simply a matter that we disagree with His choices or decisions. This is the exercise of free will, which God not only permits, but encourages. In our wrestling we have a responsibility to be truthful and respectfully disagree with Him when that is our experience. This helps prevent disparity of heart and mind.

Further, it is important to clarity what knowledge is and not. Our Western understanding of knowledge is not the same as a biblical understanding of knowledge. We Westerners think of it as acquiring facts and information. People say they believe Jesus is God who came in the flesh to save us from their sins, and that it is sufficient evidence of salvation. But scripture's view of knowledge is quite different. The bottom line is that if the facts and information don't translate into transformation, then the person doesn't biblically know. God's view of knowledge is that it must affect the entire person and not just a part of the person, such as the mind or feeling. This is why the demons believe Jesus is God and Savior of the world, but since it only influences their thinking, they don't have salvation. When we truly know something our feelings and thoughts will be in harmony with one another.

The ancient philosophy of "Know thy self" is critical in resolving the incongruences within ourselves. Any differences between thoughts and feelings need to be evaluated. We must also face our cut off or unacceptable emotions and thoughts, correct our faulty theologies, and allow ourselves to wrestle in truth with God and others about our struggles, all of which help prevent disparity.

Christian Counseling - Vaccinations and Autism

Last week a prominent European medical journal retracted a 1998 article regarding the link between childhood vaccinations and autism. The article, when published, resulted in parents declining vaccinations for their children. As a result, diseases that were essentially eradicated due to vaccinations began to come back. Measles, for instance, saw a significant resurgence in England as a result of vaccinations being declined.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/03/health/research/03lancet.html

Although future studies have not supported the link between vaccinations and autism, people have continued to believe in the results of the study published in 1998. The lead researcher, Dr. Andrew Wakefield, has been the subject of much controversy regarding his research methods as well as a potential financial incentives regarding his research. The official discrediting of his research by the Lancet, the journal that published the article, will hopefully begin to close the door on the theory that vaccinations are causing autism.

The question remains as to what is the cause of the increase in the diagnosis of autism. One of the difficulties is that the research that is being done is largely correlational in nature. While there may be many factors that are correlated with the increase in the diagnosis of autism, it is important to remember that correlation does not imply causation. Another way of saying this is that just because the rooster crows and then the sun comes up does not mean that the rooster is causing the sun to come up.

The most likely explanation for the increase in the diagnosis of autism is that the diagnostic category of autism itself has changed. The autistic spectrum has broadened. In other words, there is a larger umbrella which now covers more children. The diagnostic category now contains children with very mild forms of the disorder as well as children who are more severely autistic. While more children are being diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorders, there are fewer children being diagnosed with language disorders, for instance. Many of the children with these issues are now falling under the diagnostic umbrella of autism.

When dealing with a diagnosis as devastating as autism, it is important to do careful research to look for answers. However, before we decide on an environmental cause, consider the increase in the diagnoses of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease. Again, some would like to argue that there is some type of environmental toxin at work. However, the most likely explanation for the increase in the diagnoses of these diseases is that life expectancy is increasing. As we live longer, people who would have died of other illnesses prior to reaching an age where they would develop Alzheimer's or Parkinson's are now surviving longer only to eventually develop these devastating diseases.

The causes of Autism is an issue that many people are passionate about. I am thankful that people are passionate about the health and well-being of our children. Our passions need to be guided by reason. As we pursue a greater understanding of the causes of autism and its treatment, we would be wise to consider all possibilities. However, we must also be willing to eliminate certain possibilities should the evidence not support them. Finally, when working with patients, I tell them that I am willing to turn over any rock in order to understand and ameliorate their difficulties. The only thing that I ask of them is that we turn over the big rocks first.

Christian Counseling - "That's Life!": Marital Bunkum

Jake asks his wife, "Where do you want to go for dinner?"

Joanie replies, "I don't care, you decide."

"OK! Let's go Mexican."

"We had that last week," Joanie says disapprovingly.

"Well then, where do you want to go?" Jake retorts.

"Really, I don't care...just not Mexican again. And don't be a grouch!"

"I am not a grouch, and you really do care about where we go. No, you choose or I'll end up suggesting some other place you don't think is right," he said with sarcasm.

"Why do you have to start trouble? It's a stupid, little decision about dinner."

"You told me to decide and I did. I wanted Mexican. Maybe you meant to say, 'You can decide as long as I want to go there.' In that case, that's not ME deciding, that's US deciding. Whatever I do isn't good enough for you!"

"Forget it! I'm not hungry!" Joanie says as she walks away mumbling.

Perhaps you find this sadly funny. If so, it's likely because you know the story. It's any couple's story. It can be shocking how quickly a conflict can arise and how deep the hurt and anger can get over the most trivial of issues. Why does it happen?

It happens because this argument is not the first one. There is a history. Failing to understand and resolve past conflicts is like allowing a bear to live in your house. You think he's tame, but, suddenly and unexpectedly, he growls and cuts you with sharp claws. Joanie sees Jake as having a problem with frustration and anger control. Jake feels her disapproval, and doesn't hear enough supportive and caring words from her.

Typically, the couple cycles through taking some time to calm down. One offers an apology, maybe both. They remain a little cool for a while, as they find some neutral things to talk about. The relationship begins to feel normal again, even though the conflict still nags at them. Trust remains broken below the surface, as there is some loss of safety and they believe it will happen again. Couples tolerate this cycle for years, but without attention, it will get worse.

The Song of Solomon tells the tale of two young lovers whose passion is strong, their love powerful. In the middle of the Bride's adoration of her "beloved," she utters a strange imperative, that seems ill-timed. "Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom" (2:15). In Chapter 3 the Bride dreams a troubling scene where insecurity has taken root because they have avoided their problems. If love were not blind and hearts had courage, couples would be capturing the foxes that slowly eat away and destroy their vineyard of love.

What are the foxes in your relationship? How long have they around, and how much have they destroyed the love and goodness of your vineyard? Are you avoiding facing the reality and impact of what has happened, is happening, and what you believe will happen? What are the underlying sources of conflicts? Take decisive action now to protect what remains, and then see if you can build on a good foundation.

Christian Counseling - Need-Meeting

Perhaps the most frequently cited passage on managing human need is Matthew 7:25-34. God challenges us not to worry about food, drink, or clothes, for life is more than these things. He tells us He sees and meets the needs of all creation--birds and lilies. Matthew asks, if He does it for them, will He not care even more for us? This thought can help us control our worry and limit becoming obsessed with pursuing our own need-meeting. Following this, He gives us some direction. '"But seek first the kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So don't worry..."' (:33-34).

Many seem to believe that we should "only" seek the kingdom and not seek to satisfy our own needs. These same people probably think self-satisfaction is akin to selfishness. But read the verses again. It begins with, "But seek first." It doesn't say don't seek or completely avoid caring for your own needs. There is a priority and an order of importance. We can be driven by our needs to the extent they become more important than anything or anyone else. Overly focusing on anything can lead to obsessiveness, which can create anxiety. Also, this passage isn't about self-denial, it's about the comforting empathy and provisions of God, which are meant to ease our very real burden about needs (a feeling of being deprived of physical, emotional, and/or spiritual necessities important to the continuation of life).

Should the unemployed, lonely, poor, insecure, rejected, hungry, terminally ill, unloved, ignored people of the world not give a thought to or attempt to meet their own desperate needs? No, proper self-responsibility and self-love move us to seek taking care of our own needs--one shouldn't look to others to pay their mortgage or grocery bill. But we are cautioned not to over think and dwell on them to the point we forget there are other important things in life. One limitation to that last thought is that unmet, legitimate needs can cause such pain and reasonable fear and anxiety that focusing on other nonsurvival issues becomes impossible. For this reason, rescue teams giving aid to victims or those near death from starvation don't talk about God and His kingdom first, they nurse the wounded, feed the hungry and then present the gospel.

Besides miracles, the exclusive way in which God meets our needs is through His creation. Bees make honey, animal hides are used for shoes, and people take up the role of being good Samaritans to meet other's needs. However, when we deplete an area of its natural resources or people aren't attending to the needs of others, needy people are left, for the most part, to fend for themselves when no miracle is forthcoming.

Many contend that God, without exception, will add all the things we need, if only we first seek His kingdom (:33). However, life indeed shows us there are exceptions. Martyred Christians are not always physically protected. Christians have also starved to death and died of thirst. Some never have their needs met, such as for joy, love, belongingness, etc. This presents us with a dilemma.

How are we to understand limitations that sometimes exist regarding the promises of God? How do you? Can you think of other promises that are not absolute? How about Proverbs 22:6--"Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it"?

Christian Counseling - The State of YOUR Union

We have all had the relationship talk. Women tend to like it. Men tend to dread it. However, "the talk" is necessary. We need to be able to evaluate where our marriages are and where they are going. A word of caution, you need to be having a relationship more than you are talking about your relationship. I know that might sound strange coming from someone who spends all day helping people analyze and overcome issues in their lives. There many reasons why therapists see clients only once per week. One reason is that there needs to be a healthy balance between living our lives and analyzing our lives. Couples who spend almost every night discussing the state of their relationship will often find the air coming out of their marriage.

Over-analysis is a problem for some marriages, but, under-analysis is the problem for a larger proportion of marriages. As life gets busier, many of us do not check in with one another to find out whether we are truly satisfied in the relationship. As a result, problems that could be dealt with early on fester and become larger struggles.

What I recommend is at least a once per year State of YOUR Union discussion. When you choose to do this is up to you. There are many ways you can make this happen: sign up for a marriage conference, take a weekend away from the kids, etc. Take the month leading up to your discussion to think and pray about your own needs and the needs of your spouse. Do you have unmet needs? Does your spouse? Are you happy with the direction of your marriage? Three areas that you can focus on are your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. For example, are you satisfied with your physical or sexual relationship in your marriage. If not, why not? What would make it better?

From this discussion, or discussions, that follow you can then make plans to move forward. Remember, if one person is struggling in the marriage and feels that the marriage is unhealthy, their issues need to be addressed. The exciting thing is that change can happen in your marriage if you address any of the three areas of need discussed above. Each is linked to the other. If you improve one area, the likelihood is that you will begin to make change in the others. There are exceptions to this rule, and, if you find that to be true in your marriage, it may be wise to set up an appointment to talk with someone to gain a deeper level of insight into some of these issues.

Once you find areas that you want to work on in your marriage, one way of looking at setting goals would be to imagine a year into the future. If you reached your goal, what would your marriage look like a year from now? Then ask yourselves what half-way to that goal would look like. Finally, what would be the least amount of noticeable change that would give you hope that you are moving in the right direction.

Feel free to contact me if you have questions or find yourselves having difficulty going through the process. Good luck!! Remember, life is too short to not have your needs and the needs of your spouse met.

Christian Counseling - Anger: Is It Really An OK Emotion?

Anger is one of the most common human and spiritual emotions that exits, but there will likely be an end to it when the earth and heaven are restored (Revelation 21:4). Its Biblical origin is found in Genesis 3:15 when God cursed Satan, Adam and Eve, and the earth. He "put enmity" between Satan and the woman and between Satan and "her seed"--referring to the coming Christ.

I don't think it possible for anyone who has enjoyed a perfect environment to be cast into a painful new world, as Adam and Eve, without being angry. Angry with each other for not following God's direction, angry with themselves for what they did, and probably angry with God for an incredibly harsh punishment. After all, from their point of view, they slipped up after being deceived by the serpent, they didn't willfully initiate the bad choice. Further, they were likely angry at the pain of childbirth and farming the difficult land, sweating over the heat, and the change in the relationship with God, but the coup de grace was the death sentence--"to dust you shall return."

Perhaps Cain's angry parents (Adam and Eve) influenced the severity of his own angry problem, which culminated in murdering his brother, Able. It was very likely that Cain's hurt turned into anger for God who didn't regarding his offering, but accepted Able's offering.

God doesn't avoid our anger for Him, nor is He quick to condemn or judge us for it. Rather, He opens up a dialogue. God asked Cain, '"Why are you angry?"' This is very similar to the repeated question God asks Jonah. These men didn't turn to God to discuss their thoughts and feelings, but internalized it to their own peril. God desires to keep the flow of relationship going and will directly confront anything that gets in the way. We should have the same mind regarding all our relationships. Many people fear anger because it can be destructive, but the greater threat is that unexpressed and unresolved anger destroys the goodness that bonds people or God to each other, while seriously affecting our physical health.

There is plenty for us humans to get angry about, even with God. The question is not about if we get angry with God, but when? Throughout our lives there are many painful experiences that lead us to feeling hurt by God and then angry with Him over His timing and decisions. Logically, we know He isn't wrong, but should we then ignore and avoid the reality of our feelings? No, never! We must speak respectfully, but openly and deeply about any questions, doubts, and troubled feelings that rise up within us that distances us from God.

When was the last time you were angry with God? What did you do with the feelings? Are you still angry with God about something? If so, tell Him. Tell Him, and stay with it until you have fully expressed yourself and come to some resolution with God, and He with you. In the end, you will likely find He completely accepts you and your anger, and peace will reign between you and God once again.