Christian Counseling - Make Me Happy Baby!

Most people deeply desire to be happy and to make others happy too. This is most evident in family life. Children want their parents to be happy and make efforts to cheer them up when they are down. Most parents will protect their children from anything that threatens their well-being and happiness. More often than wives I hear husbands express their longing to please their spouses and make them happy. However, these men frequently experience a sense of failure, guilt and angry because their efforts are not good enough or approved by their wives. Wives complain their spouses' efforts are somewhat inconsistent, lack a romantic touch or discordant with their love language. A fair amount of life conflict centers around the unmet need for happiness, which comes by way of things like peace, understanding, love, security, respect and acceptance. Why is another's happiness so important to so many, and who's responsible for one's happiness?


Out of a good heart a person wants to do good things for others and that person also wants to be treated similarly. Those possessing reasonable empathy understand how it feels to be in a world where happiness eludes them and, therefore, they take up the mantle of doing things to bless others. Beyond this is trouble. Some learned the role of caretaking in their growing up families and find extensive meaning and fulfillment and their self-worth in unreasonable giving to others to make everyone happy. Some of that sounds good, but underlying its thin, beautiful appearance is heartache that comes from assumptions, such as:

               I can make a person happy.
               I am responsible for other people's happiness.
              My spouse should make me happy.
               That's how one connects with and feels attached to people.

Reality is that we are not and cannot be responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves, as we don't possess the power or knowledge to do so. The moment we believe another's joy, happiness, peace, feeling loved, etc. is our responsibility is the moment that frustration, disappointment and guilt take control. Perfectionism, commonly accompanied by anxiety and depression, may also find a foothold in our psyche. And we increase the likelihood of the marital blame game for our felt unhappiness. The moment we believe someone else is responsible for our happiness is the moment we give up control over our life and become overly dependent on anothers for how we feel. In either of these two senarios, misery is sure to follow.

No one possesses the power to make others feel anything including happiness, although we can influence other's feelings. Happiness is not a object or gift we can give to another. Making ourselves happy is hard enough and something frequently we don't achieve, but it's impossible to make others happy. Happiness either exists within a person or it doesn't. Happiness is a state of mind, not just a feeling.

The world of feelings are not completely trustworthy, as they come and go and are affected by an infinite number of things (biology, night and day dreams, touch, past experiences, smell, beliefs, etc.). Therefore, a consistent and complete feeling of happiness is beyond every one's control. I believe we have the capacity to influence other's feelings, but not control them. To do so would mean we must override another's free will, something God will not do.

Christian Counseling - Expressing Emotions

People who regularly express their emotions are, generally speaking, more psychologically healthy. I am not speaking of those who would find themselves on the extreme end of the emotional curve. The people on the extreme end who cannot seem to control the expression of their emotions often are not psychologically healthy. Rather, the average person who expresses their emotions regularly is emotionally healthier than those who do not.

First, in order to express our emotions, we need to be aware of what the emotion we are experiencing is. Correctly identifying the emotion that we are experiencing is half the battle. By identifying the emotion we can avoid self-deceit.

Second, choosing to express the emotion allows our inner experience and our outward behavior to be congruent. Without expression of emotion or with the expression of an opposite emotion, we are at war with ourselves. This type of war does not end well. In addition, when we do not express our emotions to others, they will not be able to respond to us appropriately, which can further allow for hurt in relationships to fester. The festering hurt leads to resentment of the other in that they never seem to meet our needs. This resentment will finally lead to contempt for the other, and, often, an end to relationship.

The first step in this process is to check in with yourself regularly during the day. Ask yourself how you are feeling.? Make a note. If you find your inner experience and outward behavior are not consistent, ask yourself, why not? Next week I will discuss some reasons why our inner and outer experience are not congruent.

Christian Counseling - The Role of Fear & Courage in Maintaining the Right of Freedom of Religion

 Around 1620 Pilgrims, known as Separatists, left England for the shores of what would become the showplace of human freedom--America. These brave and determined people and others left their countries to gain freedom of religion.
In 1787 the twelve states approved and signed the Constitution. The first ten amendments are known as The Bill of Rights. The first section of the first amendment says, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." This is largely understood to mean that the government must remain neutral regarding religion, and there should exist a separation between church and state. The "prohibiting" part means the government cannot interfere in the individual or corporate practice of religion or one's choice not to practice.

This fundamental American right has been under fire for decades from the Left and now it may be the current administration is making a policy shift in support of Leftist ideals regarding religion. In the July 2010 issue of Christianity Today an article ("'Freedom of Worship' Worries") highlighted President Obama's and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's use of the phrase "freedom of worship" rather than "freedom of religion." Though they are sometimes used interchangeably, it may not be the case for them.

Freedom of worship is restrictive, where freedom of religion is open-ended. The former is more about the right to privately pray and worship the God of  your choosing, but it doesn't include the right to raise your children in religious faith, preach, evangelize or even gather together with other like-minded believers. The loss of most any right or freedom comes piecemeal over time. It begins with redefining words or phrases that take hold in a generation or two, which makes it possible to pass new legislation that moves away from the intent of our forefathers. This is the erosion of freedom.

To protect our right to freedom of religion and help guarantee its survival for future generations requires every individual manage their own fears and develop strong courage. Courage, for the most part, is acquired through the consistent practice of embracing and overcoming one's fears. It's not something you can purchase, or simply a matter of faith or rightly expect to suddenly appear when a significant threat arises. Like developing any muscle or personal characteristic, it takes time and concentrated effort.

Entering counseling, especially for the first time, takes moxie and courage that surmounts fear. I believe counseling--facing one's true self--is one of the most, if not the most, difficult experiences of life. Seeing with clarity one's significant strengths and sin nature's potential teaches people how to confront and overcome their fears and inhibitions. It gives them the necessary confidence to go into the world, alone if necessary, and stand with God on their integrity and beliefs. Those who exercise their courage are best prepared to help ensure the continuation of our God-given right of freedom of religion. 

Christian Counseling - Is the Sinful Thought as Bad as the Deed?

David and his 600 men briefly stopped running from King Saul to protect sheep shearers that worked for Nabal, a rich, harsh and worthless man. Afterward, David sent a few of his men to him to ask for food for their good work. Nabal responded by denying knowing David and then scorned them. He and 400 of his men sought to kill Nabal for the evil of giving an insult where a blessing was in order. Abigail, Nabal's wife, was told the story. In her wisdom she gathered food and drink and met David and his men on the way to commit violence. She convinced him not to take vengeance by his own hand. He praised her and God for stopping him. (1 Samuel 25:1-35)

David didn't act out his planned vengeance, but did he commit an evil of the heart? The Old Testament passage doesn't answer this question. Instead, we turn to the New Testament, which sheds more light on the issue.

Matthew 5:28 helps us ferret out if the thought and deed are the same on any level. The verse says, "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust (in the Greek, long for or covet) for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Clearly, what goes on in one's heart is God's basis for determining sin. Out of the heart come evil and good behaviors (Matthew 15:19). When people evaluate others they look to their actions, which can be seen and provide evidence of the heart's condition. God, on the other hand, doesn't need the evidence of behavior because He has the ability to search the heart (Romans 8:27). From this point of view David's thinking, planning and behaviorally moving toward vengeance was wrong because his heart already committed the act. Despite this, does God see a difference between thinking and doing something?

In defining sin, the answer is no. Wrong is wrong and there is no other way to perceive it, but there are levels of wrongdoing, which incur different consequences. In Luke 12:47, 48 we read that a person who knew the Lord's will and didn't do it will receive many blows, but one without that knowledge (ignorant) will receive a few blows. Matthew 5:21,22 tell us there is a progression in sinful communication:  being angry without cause results in being guilty before the court (in the Greek, accusation or judgment by a tribunal); calling another "good for nothing" (worthless) is guilty before the supreme court (Sanhedrin, the high court of the Jews); and calling another a "fool" (mentally dull or stupid) is in danger of hell. Finally, in Matthew 11:20-24 we find that the final judgment of some cities "will be more tolerable" for them than other more corrupted cities.

In the end, wisdom would seem to say that if one thinks and/or plots to do evil, but refrains at the last or resists the impulse of the heart, that it's, on one hand, not as serious a sin because action was not taken and the thought didn't wound another person, but only the thinker. Take the reverse position and ask, If a person thinks about serving God, but doesn't do it, would he or she deserve the rewards for thinking about good works? It appears that one who only thinks sinfully will be judged with a little more leniency. It would seem prudent, therefore, that we treat others in like manner.

Christian Counseling - Summer Structure Part II

Sorry for the delay in this post. I have been compiling some ideas for summer structure for children, Please feel free to email me with your ideas. Some initial comments... First, structure for the sake of structure is not the idea. Having them move a mound of dirt from the back of the house to the front of the house and back again on a timed schedule provides some structure. What is the point of the task? Try to think about what you want them to learn while you have them for the summer. Instead of simply surviving the summer, you can take the time to teach them. Second, try to think about what you would like to learn about them. They are constantly changing. If we don't keep up, we might get lost. Anyway, here are some ideas (in no particular order)

1. Vacation Bible School

2. Summer Acting and Music Camps

3. Neighborhood Co-op - Divide time with several parents to take days to come up with fun or learning based activities.

4. Summer Reading Club - You can do this with only your child or several children and their parents. You can use a book of your choice or a book that your child needs to read for school.

5. Make meals together to teach your children how to cook.

6. Volunteer at a Shelter.

7. Learn a foreign language together.

8. Make a chore/behavior chart for them to earn points for special outings.

9. Make/edit a movie of your summer together.

10. Plant and maintain a garden.

Well, that is 10 ideas. Not a complete list by any means, but a start. If you have other ideas, I would love to hear them. If you need any help with the one's listed here, please feel free to contact me. Have a meaningful and fun summer!

Christian Counseling - The Differences and Similarities Between Christian and Secular Counseling

There are major similarities and differences between Christian and secular counseling. The overarching goal of both is to help others identify and resolve personal or corporate problems and enhance their well-being and productivity. Besides some state and church positions, all counselors or therapists are educated with at least a master's degree in the field of psychology or in a related field, such as social work or psychiatry. Also, each counselor operates from their own developed theory about who people are, what they are capable of and what helps them change and heal.

Most clinicians adopt a counseling orientation of someone well-known primarily in the fields of cognitive (changes maladaptive and false ways of thinking), behavior (modifies maladaptive or ineffective patterns of behavior) or psychodynamic (develops self-understanding by making conscious thoughts, feelings and experiences that have been cut off) treatment. There are also eclectic therapists who blend different theories and techniques. Clients should know about a counselor's orientation before making a first appointment.

What makes Christian counseling unique is that counselors have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, receive at least some Bible training, have a positive view of religion, hold spirituality to be about one's relationship with God rather than the secular view of whatever one's values are, incorporate prayer, operate from Judeo-Christian values, believe truth is primarily found in scripture with information from science being helpful, and recognize and make use of the Holy Spirit.

At our center, we primarily provide spiritually-based psychodynamic therapy to our clients, although we also do some cognitive and behavior work as well. Every counselor has a unique set of values and beliefs, which always greatly influence treatment. We believe clients should know and have the right to know what their therapist believes and the values to which he or she subscribes. We are not hesitant about sharing them with first-time callers, during sessions and in our writings. However, you will not find a counselor, or any one for that matter, who believes exactly as you do. Sometimes I don't even agree with myself. For more information, visit our website (cccrd.org) and go to "About CCCRD" where you can read about our faith and philosophy.

It is our firm belief that central to effective counseling and client healing is the idea and practice of "it is the relationship (between client and therapist) that heals." This is why we have put the word "Relationship" in the name of our business and ministry. Most problems people face are the result of past and present relationships gone bad, therefore, it's a new relationship that has the potential to be of significant help.

Christian Counseling - Summer Structure

Now that children are finally out of school (thank you 2ft. of snow for the shortened summer), many parents are trying to figure out what to do with their children. As I talk to parents, some express fear of the unstructured time that summer brings. They say that their children start to act like "train wrecks". One possible reason for this is that we take children from a school environment where they know what is expected of them, and they come to a home environment where the expectations are as hazy as a August afternoon.

If our children don't get in trouble at school, but regularly get in trouble at home, we have to ask why. There are many possible explanations. One is that they know what they can do to stay out of trouble at school. In addition, school is structured. I heard someone on the radio who is a GM for a sports franchise, and he had an interesting theory as to why professional athletes tend to get in trouble with the law during the off season more than during the season. He said that during the season, the athlete's day is extremely structured as they prepare to play. In the off season, they have a lot of time on their hands without much in the way of structure. Sound familiar?

I am not suggesting that we structure our child's life from morning to night. However, we need to have a plan of what each day will bring. Find some things that they can help with to feel productive. We need to communicate our expectations to them, and praise them when the expectations are met.

Some parents struggle with placing structure on their children during the summer. I certainly understand this struggle. We know that the children have worked hard during the school year and need a break. However, to go from a great deal of structure to none at all can be overwhelming for a child. Some structure may be the child's best friend. I would be interested in hearing your stories of how you provide structure for your children during the summer. Post a reply or email me, and I will include your ideas with mine in subsequent posts.

Christian Counseling - Death of a Relationship

Death of a relationship. What comes to mind when you consider its cause? Divorce? Widowhood? Or another type of relationship that ended badly over unresolved conflict? Whatever the answer, most people think that death means the relationship is over and they need only to grieve and accept the loss. Grieving and accepting are two things that need to be done, but when is a relationship really over? Is it ever?

There is a largely unknown 1970 movie called, "I Never Sang For My Father," starring Gene Hackman and Melvyn Douglas. Hackman plays the son who was deeply grieved at being unable to please his very critical father. At the end of the movie the father dies, never having reconciled as the result of his pride and bitterness. In the son's sad recounting of his father's passing and the time that followed he uttered a profound bit of wisdom, "Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship."

We all lose some relationships in the course of our lives, but the connection, memories and dreams (met or otherwise) continue to live within us. It is one reason why many eulogies express the thought that the deceased person will live on and be with us forever. Spiritually, we understand that death ends a physical life and that the created essence of the person continues on into the afterlife. On a psychological level, we internalize a representation of the person and the relationship. The representations are alive within us, as is our interaction with them. For example, nurturing or critical parent tapes, that which we hear in our heads and feel in our hearts that either sooth or cause us trouble, are an internal representation of things heard from or attitudes observed in parents that live on outside of the direct relationship with them. Spiritually and psychologically, relationships never end with their dissolution, whether they were good or bad.

This understanding should give us pause to seriously consider to whom we chose to relate, knowing their lasting impact. It can also give us another way to understand why recovering from grief is so difficult. It takes the average person seven years to work out a significant loss. In the end, one must learn to let go of the external relationship and, thereafter, to rewrite the internal representation of the person and the relationship, which integrates their death as part of the natural cycle of all human life.