Christian Counseling: Forgiveness: What Does God Really Say About It?

"God won't forgive me, if I don't always forgive others. Besides, I need to forgive so I can be released from anger." I have repeatedly heard these words from so many Christians, whether in person, in print or in a sermon. Only once have I heard that forgiveness is not absolutely unconditional, and that was from author Gary Chapman in a radio interview with Focus on the Family. It is also fairly briefly mentioned in his book The Five Languages of Apology. I have not heard the same from anyone since.

I have never believed in absolute unconditional forgiveness, nor have I found such in the Bible. Though I admit it sounds so wonderful, I wanted to believe it. And there is a sense of it in that Jesus unconditionally died for our sins, but forgiveness must be appropriated to the individual. What I have found is numerous believers locked into a common pattern of repeatedly forgiving an offender, due to resurfacing and unresolved emotions, such as: strong grief, anger and the sense of injustice. They tell themselves if they truly forgave they shouldn't reexperience negative feelings or thoughts. I agree, true forgiveness emotionally releases one to care for the welfare of the offender. Yet the unwanted feelings keep coming back. The reason they state is that they are human and the right thing to do is forgive again.

Very, very rarely do I find anyone willing to question if that theological belief is correct (truly Scripturally-based and the clear and only intention of God) or responsible for the emotion impasse and conflict of repeated forgivers of the same offense. Only rarely have I found others who deeply research the subject beyond a book or article or two.

There are numerous Bible references regarding forgiveness, which I cannot fully cover here, but I will review a few of the ones that raise questions about the existence of absolute unconditional forgiveness (AUF) (meaning everyone should always forgive every offense, regardless of whether the offender confessed and repented or not):

1. (Deuteronomy 29:20) ‘“The Lord shall never be willing to forgive him... and the Lord will blot out his name from under heaven.”’

2.  (Psalm 109)  It is too long to record here, but the essence is that David does not forgive a friend who turned against him. Instead, he prays for God's vengeance without being remorseful for his attitude or prayer, nor does God challenge him in that regard.

3.  (Jeremiah 18:23) “Yet You, O Lord, know all their deadly designs against me; do not forgive their iniquity or blot out their sin from Your sight.” Jeremiah goes on to ask for specifics regarding their punishment. There is no forgiveness from him or God and He fulfilled the prophet's prayer of vengeance in full, as recorded in subsequent chapters.


 4.  (Matthew 6:15) "'But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.'" This is most frequently used to support AUF. What is often missed by readers is that God is modeling the withholding of forgiveness, proving here God's forgiveness is conditional. It is understood to mean, He refuses to forgive those who have no heart for forgiveness. Why would He ask us to AUF if He doesn't?

5.   (Matthew 12:31) "'but blasphemy against the Holy Spirit shall not be forgiven.'" Some wrongly say this refers to rejection of salvation, but the words are clear in the Greek and English--don't attribute evil to the Holy Spirit who is good, i.e., by calling Him a devil.

6.   (Matthew 18:15-17) ‘“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”’ Where is AUF?


7.  (Luke 17:3,4) ‘“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”’ This is the essence of God's intended process for forgiveness. We always get ready to forgive another's offense, but grant it only when an offender confesses and repents. Otherwise, his sin remains. Is this not what is required of all who come to Jesus for salvation, first, confess one's sins and second, turn away from continuing them? Is anyone forgiven or saved without confession and repentance? Why wouldn't God simply give AUF?

8.  (Revelation 6:10) "'How long, O Lord, holy and true, will You refrain from judging and avenging our blood on those who dwell on the earth?'" The question come from saints, who could be you and I, who were killed during the great tribulation (7:13,14) and stand in heaven before Jesus and the Father and eagerly ask for vengeance. Again, where is AUF? God doesn't expect it from the saints, nor does He give it Himself without confession and repentance!

There are many more Biblical references, points and questions that can be raised. Such as, if one righteously withholds forgiveness, how does he or she then manage grief and anger without it being harmful? The answer to this and other questions is offered in a more detailed article on forgiveness that can be found in our Shop on the cccrd.com website entitled, Theologies That Wound:  A Study of Biblical Forgiveness (25 pages).

Christian Counseling: Do You Believe In The Human Unconscious?

Most every driver has experienced the action of an altered state of mind. Many times over the decades of driving my car I have traveled a few blocks while so engaged in thought I didn't recall doing the driving.  I've asked myself: "How did I safely get through those last two lights without an accident? Who drove the car because it was not my conscious mind?" It's scary and feels a little like being out of control when it's critical to be consciously in control. The same unconscious part can take over when doing routine activities, such as mowing a lawn or washing dishes. Sometimes we attempt to complete a task and discover it's all ready done, and may vaguely remember doing it. Other times people tell us we said things that we swear we would or could never have said, but find we did. And, of course, there is the proverbial "slip of the tongue." The obvious answer to understanding how these things happen is that another part of us takes charge that speaks and finishes tasks. That part is the unconscious.

A parallel to the unconscious is the reality of a spiritual world. We cannot perceive that world through our five senses, which is unconscious to us, yet, as Christians, we know another entire world of spirits think, feel and act. The goal in insight-oriented counseling is to make conscious the unconscious. Similarly, our spiritual goal is to make visible the unseen world of spirituality or to bring heaven down to earth.

What is the unconscious? It is part of our mind and body that houses information. It is a bank where we deposit facts and memories that we do not want to remember because they are too fearful, shameful or guilty, for example. In that part of ourselves we cut off from consciousness wishes, impulses, fantasies, experiences and conflicted emotions, such as rage or overwhelming grief. We also have a preconscious (like a hard drive on a computer, we can search and bring up stored information, such as your cell phone number). There are moments where there is an attempted conscious interchange between consciousness and unconsciousness. When people receive thrillingly good news or catastrophically tragic news they are temporarily caught between the maneuvering conscious mind who momentarily accepts the news and in the next moment disbelieves it in an attempt to place it in the unconscious by denying its reality.

I do not believe that we were created with a divided mind; with separate conscious and unconscious parts. This was created by humans after the Fall when sin, fear, doubt, insecurity, etc. entered our awareness. It is a human adaptation to the evil in oneself and the world. It is a defense mechanism. It helps a young, powerless child cope with things like physical or sexual abuse. But the problem of the unconscious occurs later when it secretly and negatively influences the grown child's thoughts, feelings and behaviors and distorts present realities by blending the past with the present.

Does the Bible say anything about the human unconscious? Yes, indirectly it points to its existence. It reveals the idea that some of our thoughts, feelings and actions are separate from another part of us; that a gulf exists in us that keeps separate certain realities:

1. The heart is more deceitful than all else...who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
2. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. (Romans 7:20)
3. Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults. (Psalm 19:12. Also see Leviticus 5:2. These verses refer to not only to sins one didn't know are wrong, but to ones he or she knows are wrong and didn't know he or she committed. It is possible this could refer to faults that we hide from ourselves.)
4.  Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (Psalm 51:6)
5. But let it be the hidden person of the heart... (1 Peter 3:4)
6. Then God said to him in a dream... (Genesis 20:6)

Do you believe the mind is divided and that we all  have an unconscious? If so, what do you know about how it influences your life today? What do you believe God wants you to do about your unconscious, especially in light of verses that express His desire, such as, "'For nothing is hidden that will not become evident, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light.'" (Luke 8:17) Do you desire truth in the inner most being?

Christian Counseling: Knowing God

Richard Cecil, an Anglican clergyman in the 1700's and 1800's, aptly said, "The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant." I would add, "and that we remain more ignorant than knowledgeable throughout our lives, despite whatever knowledge we have acquired."  The wisest man on earth, besides Jesus (who was also God), was Solomon who admitted to his own limitations in Ecclesiastes 7:23-24: "I tested all this with wisdom, and I said, 'I will be wise,' but it was far from me. What has been is remote and exceedingly mysterious. Who can discover it?" This is true not only of wisdom, but any body of knowledge including knowing the Person of God.

Paul Tillich, a twentieth century theologian and philosopher, penned the phrase, "God beyond God." This presents to us the idea that whatever image we have conceived or developed about the Person of God, there is more, far more, infinitely more. After all, God is infinite and no one can grasp infinity but God Himself. The far greater number of His thoughts, judgments and behaviors are beyond us. One of understanding will eventually come to admit we humans all live a life largely in ignorance of who God is. What we largely know of Him is contained in the limited, approximately 1600 pages of Biblical revelation, which is coupled with our interpretation, imagination and wish.

The ultimate reality of God or the correct image of Him will not be understood this side of heaven, and I wonder if we will ever fully and completely know Him. I wonder if the angels have discovered and experienced new thoughts, emotions and understandings about God as the result of their observing His creating and interacting with human beings. I image that to be the case. I image that in the timeless world of heaven, God will forever be revealing Himself. I image that the wonderful and exciting path of searching out the Person of God will forever remain part of His amazing glory (Proverbs 25:2).

How do we discover who God is? Of course we study the Bible, in depth. We dialogue with God--we speak, He listens and He speaks, we listen (prayer). He lives in Christians, therefore, through one another's behavior, attitude and words we can often see God. We discover Him in nature and all His creation as Romans chapter one tells us. We discover Him by raising unending, hard, unusual and perhaps scary questions and seeking to answer them as best we can. We use our minds and imaginations to piece together disparate events and decisions of God to formulate an impression of His character and learn as we attempt to forecast some future events or actions of God. You can also ponder the process you went through in getting to know someone special and how they got to know you and then apply it your relationship with God. Finally, let the Holy Spirit lead you into all truth. Ultimately, your God beyond God or image of Him will be unique, different than anyone else. Collectively, our images, if we could blend them, would be closer to the true Person of God, so do not be quick to dismiss other's images, but first get to know and consider them.

If ever you find yourself thinking something like, I know the vast majority of things about the Person of God, know that you can add to your self-understanding, the capacity to be self-deceived. There exists a world, no an ending universe of truth about the nature and Person of God. See what you can find. In so doing you will likely find your relationship with Him energized by having a deeper connection to Him, greater trust and faith in His unfailing goodness toward you, an unbreakable emotional bond and a calm and peace that passes understanding.

Christian Counseling: Why Teens and Twenties Are Leaving Church

You may recall the legend of "The Wandering Jew" who made insulting comments to Jesus while carrying His cross and who was subsequently cursed to wander the earth until the second coming. Today, there are many, many wandering Christians who have left the traditional, organized church in search of an alternative church. Each year one million born-again Christians become wanderers, according to Barna research.

David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group headed a five-year study to determine why those 15 years of age to early twenties were leaving church permanently or for an extended period of time. His findings are reported in his book, "You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving Church and Rethinking Church."

Three of five teens and young adults leave the church for a variety of reasons. Kinnaman's research suggested six reasons for their long temporary or permanent departure.

1. Christians are overprotective - "demonize everything outside of the church" and over concerned about the harm caused by movies, music and video games.

2. The Christian experience is shallow - church is boring, faith not relevant to living, and God is missing from church.

3. Churches are antagonistic to science - they perceive Christians as out of step with science or anti-science.

4. The churches teachings on sexuality is simplistic and judgmental - no practical advice on how to live up to expectations of chastity or purity, especially since marriage is often delayed to the later twenties.

5. Christianity is too exclusive - they are close-minded, intolerant and unaccepting of those who are different than themselves, which puts a wedge between them and other races, religions and sources of authority, etc.

6. Church is unfriendly to those who have doubts - it is not okay to express doubts or ask challenging questions. They don't feel safe addressing their most pressing issues regarding their faith.

I wonder if you have experienced any of those concerns yourself? Any suggestions for resolution?    

Christian Counseling: One View Of A Man's Heart

The poet, Don Blanding, wrote these revealing words of a man's struggle with two selves at war with each other. This man in the poem is led by his flesh and not the Spirit, yet it helps us understand what many men battle within themselves and yields insights about how to talk to them about the alternative of Christ who can help calm the two spirits. 




How very simple life would be
If only there were two of me
A Restless Me to drift and roam
A Quiet Me to stay at home.
A Searching One to find his fill
Of varied skies and new found thrill
While sane and homely things are done
By the domestic Other One.

And that's just where the trouble lies;
There is a Restless Me that cries
For chancy risks and changing scene,
For arctic blue and tropic green,
For deserts with their mystic spell,
For lusty fun and raising Hell,

But shackled to that Restless Me
My Other Self rebelliously
Resists the frantic urge to move.
It seeks the old familiar groove
That habits make. It finds content
With hearth and home — dear prisonment,
With candlelight and well-loved books
And treasured loot in dusty nooks,

With puttering and garden things
And dreaming while a cricket sings
And all the while the Restless One
Insists on more exciting fun,
It wants to go with every tide,
No matter where…just for the ride.
Like yowling cats the two selves brawl
Until I have no peace at all.

One eye turns to the forward track,
The other eye looks sadly back.
I'm getting wall-eyed from the strain,
(It's tough to have an idle brain)
But One says "Stay" and One says "Go"
And One says "Yes," and One says "No,"
And One Self wants a home and wife
And One Self craves the drifter's life.

The Restless Fellow always wins
I wish my folks had made me twins.




Some questions to ponder:


What do you think and feel after reading the poem?


Do some women feel similarly? If so, how is it different than men?


What is it that men really desire underneath the obvious (inner peace and enjoyment of life)?  Below the surface of restlessness could be such things as the desire or need for adventure, exploration, knowledge, security or connection with God.


In what ways do you struggle with two or more selves opposed to each other? This is something with which we all have difficulty and it is often spoke of as a war between flesh and spirit, yet there is more. Psychologically we all have a few divisions of personality, such as the outgoing me and the reserved me, or the happy, carefree one and the more melancholy one, the ideal and the real, etc.  

Christian Counseling: Don't Worry, Be Happy

In 1988, Bobby McFerrin released this catchy song, having a simple, clear and encouraging message--"Don't Worry, Be Happy." It ends with, "Don't worry, it will soon pass whatever it is. Don't worry, be happy. I'm not worried." All of us wish for a guarantee that no matter what bad things come our way they would pass and always leave the door of happiness wide open and us with a smiley face. In some Christian circles, there are those that posit those kinds of thoughts in a spirit of a guarantee. 


I am referring to unfounded, romantic-sounding statements like: we, as Christians, should always be happy because we are so blessed, or we should never be lonely because we know God and He lives within us, or we don't need to be angry, fearful, insecure, anxious, etc. because Jesus gives us His peace and God is in control, and, lastly, God is in control, so anything that happens is His will. (I'll support my criticism in a moment.)


The truth is we Christians have very much to be happy about (the comforting presence of God, guidance of the Holy Spirit, a hope of a sure future in heaven, forgiveness, grace, the Bible, mercy, and the list could go on and on). But it is another matter to suggest or imply we should only be happy and avoid life's problems and troubles by conjuring up simplistic nonsense that ultimately leads to injury and unresolvable conflict. I write these things because any untruth wounds, leads people astray and opens one up to the possibility of a spiritual crisis of faith, i.e., through disappointment. False beliefs, even ones that make us temporarily feel better, are like quicksand in that they steal the life from us and have the ability to do the same to others who are in earshot of those tempting proclamations. 


Consider the numerous distortions of biblical truth that must precede the belief in those unfounded, romantic-sounding statements: 
1.  All of creation groans (Romans 8:22,23).
2.  The promises and blessings of God do make life easier and happier, but they are not meant to be the absolute antidote to troubled feelings and painful trials.
3.  If we should never be lonely because we have a relationship with God, why did God say to Adam it was not good for him to be alone (Genesis 2:18)? Adam walked with God! The truth is this world is not our home, we are strangers and sojourners on this earth (1 Peter 2:11). Heaven is our only home. Therefore, loneliness is a part of life for all of us.
4. Some like to think Jesus was always cool, calm and collected; that nothing ruffled his feathers. Those people also think if we have God in our lives that nothing should really bother us and if it does, it is only an issue of too little faith or immaturity. Do they forget Jesus was a suffering servant who stormed the temple with a whip, asked how long He had to put up with the disciples, was deeply troubled by the spiritually destructive Pharisees and anxious in the Garden before His arrest (hematidrosis- sweating blood due to severe mental stress)? How about Paul who revealed his fears? Do they forget the Holy Spirit grieves (in the Greek, has pain)? Having perfect peace and love does not mean we don't suffer, sometimes significantly, from anger, fear and other inner turmoil. 
5. If God is in control of everything and nothing happens outside His will, why does Ephesians 4:30 say, "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God"? According to the belief, we must see this verse as supporting a troubling thought, that God grieves Himself. Also, we know God is not the author of sin. Sin is never what He wants in this world. It only happens contrary to His will. He is sovereign, but not in control of everything, such as our freewill.


The thought, "Don't worry, be happy," can encourage us to look at the positives in life, especially during difficult times, but as an absolute, it only works in the world where the heavens and earth are restored and God does away with pain (Revelation 22:1-4). The latter is a truth you can depend on. It gives me a smiley face.

Christian Counseling: A New Look At Taking The Lord's Name in Vain

Is there anyone in America who is not somewhat familiar with the ten commandments? I suppose such a person would be hard to find. Exodus 20 reveals those commands, the third of which says, "'You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.'"


The common application is that we don't curse saying G.. D... or use use His name--God or Jesus or Jesus Christ--to express angry or negative emotions or even to express surprise ("O my God!"). To some the latter may seem innocent, but if you understand what is behind why God included this commandment in the Ten, it won't seem innocent anymore. Further, there is another application of misuse or vanity in using the name of Jesus worth great consideration. But before I speak about that take a quick look at the Hebrew understanding of the command.

In the Hebrew, the word "take" means to lift up, magnify or extol, which is a sign of respect for something or someone important and special. The word "name" refers to one's fame, honor and character. And "vain" means to use something in a destructive, useless or deceptive way. Said differently, we are not to uselessly, destructively or deceptively magnify any name or the fame or character of the supreme God of the universe.

There are quite a few occasions when I hear Christians using His name in vain in a way they think and often the hearers think is honoring Him. For example, is it not an issue of misuse, vanity, uselessness or deception when people say things like: "Jesus is the answer to every question and every problem...Only Jesus can heal...Jesus is all we need" or saying, "God bless you" to one in need and where no action is taken on behalf of that individual? Let's get realistic. The individual and his or her thought processes, beliefs and faith are interactive with the work of God. It is most often Jesus and our faith, for example. That's why Jesus couldn't do many miracles in His own hometown. Also, people find some healing in secular counseling and medicine and Jesus isn't going to solve my garbage disposal problem. Almost never does God go against the laws of nature and never against true knowledge, but encourages our getting understanding and wisdom. He expects us to participate in life and our future by cultivating these because they help us know what we are responsible for and how to handle situations that can add years to our lives, as Proverbs tells us. Again, it is most often Jesus and us. That is honest and not a deceptive and romantic portrayal of God who does everything and is the answer for everything. In my opinion, this does not diminish the power or glory of God, but adds to our understanding of our place and the part He expects us to take in the world.

I'll use my name to demonstrate the effect of misusing some one's name in a positive way and a negative way. You can replace it with your own name or the name of a loved one to see how it might feel. If every time a person was angry, hurt, afraid, etc., they said derogatorily, "Oh, Frank Mancuso." If you didn't know me, what would you associate with my name? Something negative at least and you would likely develop an insensitivity to my name. In other words, it wouldn't mean much to you over time. It would lose it's intended good feel and it's usefulness.This is what happens when we misuse His name in whatever form it takes. We make His name common, thereby reducing it's effect and power in the hearers. It's a matter of impugning one's reputation by association. In time, associating a "good name" with a negative emotion separates the "good" from the "name".

On the other hand, if people go about telling others I, as a counselor, am the answer to every one's problemed personality or marriage, that I perform miracles in counseling and there is absolutely no one better, what will those false and deceptive statements do to my clients in the end? I love Coke, but there is only one "real thing"--the truth. Either way, if my name is used in the spirit of a fairy tale or derogatorily, it would hurt me and the hearers of such.

There are further consequences of misusing God's name through overstating the work or fame of God. Non-Christians, as well as Christians, experience disappointment, disillusionment, broken trust and sometimes a crisis of faith when God doesn't live up to the romantic claims of who people say He is or what He does. It tarnishes His name, makes Him appear unreliable and unloving and, overall, gives Him a bad rap.

Consider this quote from Benjamin Disraeli who was an 1800's British Prime Minister, "Favor or disappointment has been often conceded, as the name of the claimant has affected us; and the accidental affinity or coincidence of a name, connected with ridicule or hatred, with pleasure or disgust, has operated like magic."

We all would do well to be cautious about when and how we use the sacred names of God. Anyone who cares about himself or herself will do whatever is necessary to protect their good name, so is God by His command.

What do you think?