Christian Counseling - Love Is All We Need!?

In my book, love is supreme for many reasons. Scripture says it's the summation of the law, a conqueror of fear, a new commandment from Jesus to all of His disciples, the calling card of evangelism, and that we should owe nothing but to love. Humanly, it bonds people together and yields understanding, cooperation,  sacrificial giving and peace. It's a wonderful feeling, and the unconditionality of agape (decisional, logical) love knows no equal in the world of love. Consequently, there are those that believe love is above all, conquers all and all we need. They believe that together with love, compassion, tolerance, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, mercy and other similar words can overcome doubt and evil and convince anyone to follow a different and righteous path given enough time. In some ways it's hard to argue with that and, in part, I don't want to. But I am a philosopher (a lover of truth) and that reasoning falls short of the truth.

One word nixes the view that love and its companions absolutely conquer everything wrong and evil and are all we need--Armageddon. Revelation 16:16 mentions the end time war between the armies of Satan and Christ. Other references reveal Christ will return to earth to engage in war (Revelation 17:14; 9:11). If love could conquer all, there would be no need for war. God's love doesn't conquer all, as some people's free will won't cooperate with Him.  If love could overcome anything, there would be no need to discipline any child, no divorce rate, no prisons and the judicial branch of government would not have been mentioned in the third Article of the Constitution. If love were unconditionally supreme, Christ would not have been born and died for our sins because love would be enough.

We must arm ourselves with love in one hand and a sword in the other, along with cultivating discernment so that we may choose their use wisely. Jesus, upon the return of His disciples after being sent out to preach the gospel two by two, commanded them to carry money, clothes and a sword, literally (Luke 22:35,36). Peter carried a sword even at the end of Jesus' life; in the garden of Gethsemane. There he was told by Jesus to put it away after using it, but not to get rid of it (John 18:11). Love can overcome evil and we should make every attempt to repeatedly express it to everyone in most every situation. But when evil people, who are a threat to our way of life and/or righteousness, refuse to be moved by love we must take a metaphorical sword (words, boundaries, protests, etc.) to protect the innocent and limit their influence on earth. The use of a physical sword can be warranted for defensive, life-threatening situations, but not for offensive purposes (Matthew 26:52 and John 18:11). In our world where good and evil coexist and both sides end in victories and defeats, love and swords are necessary.
  

Christian Counseling - Resisting the Apple in Modern Times

The first woman, Eve, listened to the truth and falsehood spoken by the serpent that the apple (really fruit of unknown origin) would be good for her (become "like God, knowing good and evil"). She concluded it was "good for food," a "delight to the eyes" and "desirable to make one wise" and didn't resist that first bite (Genesis 3:1-6). Thus, the sin nature of all humans was assured and the fall from paradise began. She was unaware of what would happen to her, but it changed everything for the rest of her life and every other human being. Her over trusting and impulsive behavior left her vulnerable.

Today, there are many apples offered to us or that we conjure up in our own minds that have great appeal and to which we, as Eve, are often blind to the consequences. Examples include:
           
                Technology that can serve to connect people, but also puts a PDA between two
                        people communicating, thereby eliminating face-to-face interaction and limiting
                        emotional responses, development of relational skills and one's ability to fully evaluate
                        communication.
                Dependence on government entitlements; that is, for those who refuse to work hard, desire to
                        have someone else take care of them and become self-sufficient.
                Living with a person before marriage. Statistically, these couples don't fair as well as
                         married couples.
                Addictive (physical or psychological) substances and behaviors (sex, alcohol, food,
                         drugs, spending, etc.) that can sneak up on a person and imprison them.

We all have a tendency to be swayed by others to think, feel and act in ways that we secretly, partially or unconsciously desire. Others can help us find the courage to do good or evil. The independent thinker fully evaluates a new idea or action before making the leap. In great measure, a Christian is led by the Spirit, scripture and his or her conscience, but knows any conscience can be misinformed. Seeking understanding, knowledge and wisdom in self, others and God are precursors to decision-making that help ensure a positive outcome and minimize negative consequences.

However, like Eve, we sometimes ignore information we have previously received from God or others who know us and we trust. We do this so that we can do what we really want, even if we know it's not best or perhaps even wrong. The consequences of these choices may not be grasped until sometime in the distant future. Delaying gratification is, at first, difficult because "now" matters more than "then" (the future).

The heart committed to doing what is best, right and good is a heart of integrity, righteousness, confidence and peace. Whittle away at those things by poor decisions and you guarantee future hardships, some of which cannot be calculated or predicted. Let wisdom guide you. Get it at any cost. Become your ideal self. It starts today, in your next decision. Live it out the best you can for 30 days and see if your life is not better for it.

Christian Counseling - Psychotherapy, Stress and Gastrointestinal Disorders

Between 35% to 70% of people, more women then men, experience gastrointestinal disorders at least once in their lifetime and many repeatedly or chronically. A few attributable causes are sensitivity to lactose and/or gluten, stress, infection and cancer.
This writing will focus on the interaction of stress and gastrointestinal distress. Stress is defined as a person's emotional and physical responses to internal or external stimuli or stressors. Stress is not the hard or painful things that happen to us from outside of ourselves, but how we perceive and react to them. Some of the symptoms include shallow breathing, sweating, anxiety, withdrawal, pressured speech,  headaches, slowing of digestion and gastrointestinal disturbances and pain. Stress activates the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response) to respond to the threat. Under normal circumstances the parasympathetic nervous system helps calm the body when the threat is under control. But an abnormal response under severe, prolonged  and/or repeated stress can cause the General Adaptation Syndrome. This refers to a person who lives in the chronic state of hyperalterness, tension and stress.

There are three researched psychotherapies that show they help in easing gastrointestinal disorders or coping with them. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) research has revealed it helps with coping, but not in reducing pain. Relaxation therapies, such as: muscle relaxation, controlled breathing, visualization, and calming music, have shown to improve symptoms, especially in combination with CBT. Hypnosis research reveals significant gains in reducing symptoms including pain through deep relaxation, autogenics (warming or cooling of physically troubled areas) and positive suggestions.1,2

What have you found to be of help in reducing your symptoms, coping with or recovering from gastrointestinal problems?


1   Contrary to some Christians' view, hypnosis is not an ungodly practice. It does not require a complete surrender to the mind or words of another, nor does it open a person up to the influences of the devil. Under hypnosis, clients always retain control over themselves, unlike you see on stage where people quack like a duck--that's all show business. It is similar to a whisper that can sink deep into the heart. Elijah found God not in the earthquake or wind or fire, but in a gentle blowing or whisper (I Kings 19:11,12).

2  Miller, Michael Craig, M.D. Stress and the Sensitive Gut. Harvard Mental health Letter. August 2010: Vol. 27, No. 2, pg. 6.

Christian Counseling - Loving and Embracing Criticism and A Rebuke

For most it is easy to embrace those people and things they cherish and that help create good feelings, such as a hug or a compliment. But most would avoid or walk away from criticism or the harsher rebuke. Facing them can be a fearful prospect that generates feelings of inadequacy, failure and self-flagellation. So, how can a person ever think of criticism and a rebuke as friends to be loved and embraced?

You might be inclined to think a person like that is masochistic or so defended or overly self-assured that nothing rocks his or her boat. Beyond those ideas is another possibility--a biblical attitude that sees criticism and rebuke as good and healthy. One that holds they are necessary for personal growth, broadening one's mind, curtailing negative behavior, becoming spiritually mature and pleasing God. I could go on to present other solid, logical reasons for desiring them, but here is the key to the desire: an underlying and unquenchable wish to be the best person one can be; to be like Christ. When that is one's life-goal he or she not only permits criticism and rebuke, but grows to look for them, appreciate them and even love them for they uniquely and remarkably help one achieve the goal--the best self possible (Proverbs 9:8,9; 15:5,10; 25:12 and Psalm 141:5).

Initially, developing such an attitude may seem to be a gargantuan task, but any serious-minded and diligent person can do it. First, commit this endeavor to God, and know that His heart is warm toward you and will walk with you every step of the way. Foster a couple of people who will be available to support you when the going gets rough, and it will, for a while. Then invite one or two persons to be open and honest with you about your shortcomings, or you can invite another person to join in the adventure where you help each other grow. Develop a listening ear, look intently for the truth in what is said to you and work on changing one thing at a time. When you see yourself becoming the person you desire you will begin to think of criticism and a rebuke as friends to be loved and embraced, and even more so when they have lost most of their power to threaten and wound.  

Christian Counseling: Is There A Link Between Trauma and Perfectionism?

It has been said that the closest to perfection anyone ever gets is when they fill out a job application. The truth behind the humor is that we all wish for others to see us in a positive light and to like and accept us,  perfectionists even more so. They hide their faults and sins from others, yet strangely, can be ever so quick to see their shortcomings and apologize, frequently even if it is not their fault. Mostly, and severely, they avoid conflict. Their goodness, acceptability and worth is welded to doing everything right. Internally, they must deny their frail and weak humanity. They are easily given to feelings of anxiety, guilt and self-hate and behaviors of self-criticism and self-punishment, such as rejecting good things in life because they do not deserve them.

There are many possibilities about how perfectionism develops in a person, one of which is the result of traumatic childhood/teenage experiences, which can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  In the future, I suspect trauma will be viewed differently in that it will be defined by the individual and his or her response to a threatening emotional or physical situation and not by today's standards of a collective set of criteria developed, for the most part, independent of victims, which includes only a threat of physical injury or death of oneself or others.

Two arenas surface as proving grounds that can lead to one's growth or block development--home and school environment. Home life can be chaotic and threatening, such as when there is physical or sexual abuse, or the home may be a place of insecurity and unsupportive relationships that leave a person vulnerable to traumatic experiences later in life. Peers in school and even the neighborhood can have a profoundly  negative effect on a person's life. We all know that kids can be cruel, but to a sensitive and insecure person it can be shattering. Whether one is bullied or laughed at for making mistakes, it can feel so emotionally threatening to a person's identity and existence that he or she refuses to go to school or begins to think about dying.

For many, the way out of helpless and painful feelings is to become perfectionists. Perfectionistic belief holds if one can perfect, he or she will avoid criticism and rejection and find respect and acceptance. Unfortunately, it is a dead-end pursuit. Not only can a person never achieve it, but the mental energy required to daily live that life style takes a massive toll on the joy in life and one physically. Also, consider that Jesus was perfect, but was hated, rejected and killed. Perfectionism guarantees only a different, more complicating, frustrating, disappointing and eternal kind of pain in life.

Recovering from past trauma is a first step in healing. Adopting a new belief and attitude that "good enough" is the antidote to perfectionism will further help. And learning to manage relationships and conflict through assertiveness will go a long way in assisting perfectionists in giving up an impossible role God never intended anyone to live.


(Note: The info in this blog is anecdotal, not research-based.)