Christian Counseling - Preserve Your Marriage While You Still Care

While couples still have some reasonable sense of connection and feeling for their partner is the time to preserve the relationship. This is in contrast to far too many who wait until they are almost hopeless and disconnected from feelings of love, romance and sex. A large number of these battle-fatigued couples enter counseling looking not so much for a therapist but a magician who can pull a rabbit out of the hat or success out of thin air. I really do own a magic-looking wand that sits atop my desk, but I don't know how to use it. I tell my clients when I figure it out I will let them know.

Joking aside, it's tragic for one individual or a couple to wait until he or she doesn't care about their partner anymore. This is perhaps the most significant reason marital counseling is not successful more than about 50% of the time. Some couples rationalize that in their wait they are learning to be tolerant, accepting and unconditionally loving. Without a doubt, these are good qualities, but the majority of couples I have seen are not able to discern when the waiting is helping them learn and develop those characteristics and when it's slowly and subtly destroying their relationship. Consequently, late in the game, they discover they don't care and can't deal with the marriage any longer. It's only then most finally get serious about seeking outside help.

Most of us are familiar with sayings, such as "Make hay while the sun shines" and "...now is 'the day of salvation"' (2 Corinthians 6:2). Common sense wisdom meets scriptural truth in these, which point to the idea that the time for decisive action is when a person discovers something and is emotionally connected and motivated. When a person still deeply cares about his or her partner is the time for pulling out all the stops and taking advantage of all opportunities.

Christian Counseling - The Importance of Fathers

A student asked their teacher recently why the class was not doing a project to celebrate Father's Day. The teacher responded, "Dads don't really care about Father's Day." Is it that dads do not care about Father's Day, or is it that our society does not care about dads?

We do much to celebrate the value of mothers in our world, and rightly so. Mothers deserve to be honored every day for what they do to raise children. However, as we have increased in our value of motherhood, we seem to have decreased in our value of fatherhood. Over the last 40 years, we have treated gender issues as a zero sum game. As mothers have increased, fathers have decreased. In order to be accepting of single parent families, society has lessened the importance of having a father involved in a child's life. Look at any family sitcom of the last 30 years, and you will likely see the father portrayed as a lovable buffoon. Rather than being portrayed as a necessary and important part of the family, he is seen as another child for the mother to take care of in the home. The mother is seen as the logical one who saves the family in every episode. The Cosby Show serves as an exception to this rule.

Mother's do not have to decrease as we increase in our honor of fathers. Both can be honored together. If you missed Father's Day, or did not do celebrate accordingly, remember that any day could be Father's Day. Just pick a day and choose to honor your father. As we celebrate Father's Day, here are some statistics that show the importance of fathers:

• 85% of all children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes. (Center for Disease Control)
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. (Rainbow for all God's Children)
• 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. (U.S. Dept. of Justice)
• Daughters in fatherless homes are 711% more likely to have children during their teenage years, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth, and 92% more likely to get divorced. (Parents or Prisons)
• Children with involved fathers are 70% less likely to drop out of school, more likely to get A's in school, and involved in more extracurricular activities. (Development and Psychopathology)

These statistics are not meant to denigrate single parent families or mothers. As was said above, I do not believe we have to tear one down down as we build up another. That being said, have a Happy Father's Day!!

Christian Counseling - The Left, The New Right And Christians

Chris Matthews of MSNBC hosted a documentary on June 16th entitled, "The Rise of the New Right: A Hardball." In truth, this was both propaganda for the Left and an expose on conservatives who should be greatly feared because of their hatred, rage and militant mentality against the government of the United States.

The docupropexpose hypocritically criticized the scare tactics of the default leaders of the right (Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly, etc.), while they themselves emphasized how fearful Americans should be of conservatives represented by those in the tea party, patriot groups, birthers and militias. They painted these groups as one and the same--a serious threat to our country that needs only a spark to ignite the flammable civil unrest, leading to civil war. This may be true for the fringe elements or true extremists of the Right, but it's not representative of the active, moderate mothers, grandfathers and Christian conservatives. The show frequently associated the Right with radicals, such as Senator Joseph McCarthy and terrorists, like Timothy McVeich (Oklahoma City bombing).

Generally, it's true most conservatives are very angry over the economy, Obamacare, out-of-control government spending, and the "towering national deficit." To that list I would add ignoring the majority of Americans' wishes, a big and growing government, influencing us to be afraid of government control and more specific issues, such as burgeoning socialistic entitlements. But Matthews went way beyond this to incite the Right and unify the Left by the completely unsubstantiated comment, "There is a clash of class and racial resentment that is loud, visible and unmistakable (in the Right)." The shows only reference to this was a purposefully veiled statement that any dislike or disapproval of Obama is racially motivated. Even with that they failed to cite one piece of evidence or show one clip from the multitude of available videos of tea partiers or even militias. This is pure propaganda, which remains one of the Left's tactics--to miseducate the public with tainted facts and gross, negative interpretations about the Right.

What does this mean to Christians? We are demeaned, disrespected and are quickly being viewed as enemies of the government. The Left's bitterness for us who are upsetting their well-planned agenda will likely lead to their direct and increased opposition to conservatives. This could prove to be a threat to our freedoms and open Christian way of life. Is this how persecution of Christians begins?

As a whole, moderate conservatives don't hate government. We know it's from God, and we respect it. What is despised and rejected is a controlling and intrusive government that threatens our civil liberties and God-given rights. What most of us hate is not government, but corruption in government. Proverbs 8:13 reminds us about a righteous and legitimate hatred that belongs in the quiver of every Christian--"The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverted mouth, I hate."

Christian Counseling - Vows: A Sign Of Integrity

How often has someone said they would do or not do something for you, but never followed through? All of us have been hurt and frustrated by the unmet commitments of others. What is anger provoking are those deceptive people who never really intended to keep their word, but paid only lip service. These experiences impact future relationships and our sense of peace and security in the world.

People become distrustful of others who break their promises. They begin to think of them as unreliable and undependable. They contemplate how they can protect themselves from being let down and disappointed, perhaps through maintaining surface relationships, but this creates isolation and loneliness. This isn't a small issue.

Some who violate their promises and vows don't think its a big deal. "I'll call you tomorrow!" says a friend or business acquaintance. It's a big deal to the receiver of a promise who is looking forward to that phone call or developing the relationship. It's a big deal to the one who loaned someone their possessions. Sure, we all forget on occasion, but the regular offender of broken promises is different. We all desire trustworthy relationships and learn to weed out those who freely make promises and fail to keep them.

How important are promises or vows to God? Incredibly important. We will give an account for every word that proceeds out of our mouths. Ecclesiastes 5:3,4 says, "When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it, for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow! It is better you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay." Matthew 25:21 records through the parable of the talents one of the ways in which God evaluates our faithfulness. If we are faithful in a few things, or with little things, he concludes we will be faithful in many things or with the big ones. According to our handling of these, so goes his rewards.

To those who make vows. Don't take lightly even a small and simple one. The importance of them is not determined by the giver, but the receiver. The keeping of the least of vows reflects on one's reputation and reveals one's integrity, or lack of it. Let all the words from your mouth be acceptable to God (Psalm 19:14).

To those who receive promises. Don't casually dismiss them, as if they don't matter. They do matter. Work it out with the offender. Remember, a true friend is willing to wound (but not harm) another (Proverbs 27:6). We may wound others with the truth of our well chosen words, but we harm them and our relationship when we fail to address existent problems, such as broken trust.

Christian Counseling - Blessings & Curse Of The Good Life

Most of us similarly define the good in good life--freedom, a decent job, home ownership, friends, marriage, family and, to Christians, a relationship with God in Christ. The good life is often associated with America where a better life can be had in this country than most anywhere else in the world. What is not often considered or understood is that the good life is also a position of temptation that can become a curse.

Solomon said it well, "Give me neither poverty nor riches...That I may not be full and deny You and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or that I not be in want and steal..."(Proverbs 30:8,9). Being too uncomfortable tempts us to do wrong, while being too comfortable takes away the edge of productive anxiety and needed motivation to stand watch over the good life one has secured. Complacency thrives in the ease of life where there is no threat, conflict or battle. Perhaps we need to add to the definition of the good life "necessary trouble." This might prevent us from leaving our guard post unattended where evil enters to steal the life we want and for which we have struggled.

Another curse connected to the good life is, "The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing" (Ecclesiastes 1:8). What we are happy and satisfied with today is old hat tomorrow, meaning we cease to be content with what we have and seek ever more.

Learning the discipline of being content with what we have is the antidote to a good life that is always just around the next bend; that is, the next size house or promotion. This doesn't mean we don't strive to improve our lot in life, but we first fully accept what is (cease to struggle with) and then decide whether or not to pursue an even better life. The latter, if chosen, is gone after only with wisdom and caution at the front line.