Christian Counseling - Anxiety Producing Guilt

All of us experience anxiety (apprehensive mood brought on by perceived threats of impending danger or misfortune) as a temporary and manageable thought or feeling. Yet, for about 40 million Americans, it gets out of control and results in anxiety disorders, such as: generalized, obsessive-compulsive, separation, and social. Almost half of these people also experience depression and three times the incidence of cardiac disease.

Perhaps Christians experience less anxiety because of the loving and accepting relationship with God and because we know our blessed future. However, we are not exempt from anxiety, and many experience guilt from at least one belief that increases anxiety.

The belief is Christians should be anxiety-free. The phrase, "Be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6), is often coupled with the idea that all anxiety must be avoided because it is a sin. Most Christians who feel anxious end up feeling guilty about it. That guilt serves to increase one's anxious feelings. It can be a savage cycle that gets out of control and leads to a disorder.

This is one of those situations where a Greek definition is indispensable. "Be anxious for nothing" is a command, but what is the proper understanding? It means we are not to be distracted by over thinking something. It is not about the feeling of anxiety, but about the way we permit ourselves to behave--to think or dwell on a thought or feeling. It is a care gone too far. A better interpretation might be,"Do not allow yourself to start over thinking or over caring about a potential problem situation." Instead, follow the next couple of verses in Philippians, which is also seen in the example of Jesus.

While Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before His torture, humiliation and death, He experienced anxiety in the recognizable form of hematidrosis--bursting capillaries permitting blood to exit through pores. This stress response is due to a perceived life-threatening situation. Jesus followed Philippians 4:6,7 by turned from thinking about His cares to praying and asking God to help. I don't believe this solved all of Jesus' anxiety, nor will it ours. But at least we can develop competing thoughts and feelings to combat anxiety and not simply give in to it.

Christian Counseling - Are You Addicted to Pornography?

There are likely two assumptions that many will make regarding the question--Are you addicted to porn? The first is that the topic is aimed at men, and the second is the behaviors of the world versus Christians are vastly different when it comes to porn use. Here are some rough and quickly changeable stats retrieved from Focus on the Family's website today:

1. 30% of the 75 million monthly visitors of adult websites are women.
2. 45% of Christians have domestic problems as a result of porn use.
3. 34% of women who read Today's Christian Woman have purposely searched the Internet for porn, while 17% struggle with porn.
4. 54% of pastors confessed to viewing porn in the past year.

The usual course of pornography begins with visiting sexually-related chat rooms, or engaging in phone sex with a stranger, or the accidental or casual viewing of magazines, pictures, clips and videos. The person goes on to develop a desire for more hardcore viewing, then a longing or craving that becomes obsessive and compulsive. These behaviors are almost always accompanied by masturbation. In the last stage of addiction, people will act out their fantasies by seeking multiple sexual partners, and, for some, become sexually violent, which includes rape and murder.

An example of this is Ted Bundy, the serial-killer who, in an exclusive interview the day before his execution in 1989, told Dr. James Dobson that his path of sexual violence, and that of most of the inmates he knew, started with porn. Fortunately, the average person will not follow this course, but porn is a serious and potentially dangerous behavior, aside from spiritual concerns.

How do you know if you are addicted? Here are some questions:

1. Are you preoccupied with sexual thoughts, viewing porn, masturbation and/or needing sex four or more times a week?

2. Does your partner question, feel anxious or complain about your sexual behavior?

3. Does your sexual behavior in any way interfere in your marriage relationship, i.e., diminished frequency or desire for your partner due to porn use and masturbation?

4. Do you hide your sexual behavior from others for fear of their response?

5. Do you have a tendency to be obsessive (thoughts) and/or compulsive (behaviors), and also engage in any porn viewing or other extramarital sexual behavior?

6. Are any of your sexual fantasies or behaviors against the law?

7. Do you suspect or have you ever been sexually abused?

8. Do you spend more than a half-hour a week searching for or in viewing porn.

9. Is there a cycle of abstaining from porn, being tempted, engaging in viewing porn, masturbating, feeling guilty and depressed, and vowing not to do it again?

If you answered "Yes!" to any question (1-8), you may be at risk for sexual addiction. If you answered "Yes!" to three or more of questions (1-8) and/or question nine, you probably are addicted.

The majority of people cannot overcome this problem without help from a sexual support group and/or counseling. If you or someone you know has struggled with this issue for longer than six months, and there have been repeated failures to stop the behavior, getting help now, rather than later, is important.

Christian Counseling - Death: A Foe or Necessary Companion?

DEATH! It is easy to understand why most people in our country don't want to think or talk about it. It is a depressing and fearful event that successfully wrestles control from all of us. Even in the Christian community, there is little focus on dying and much on living in eternity. A graveside service only briefly recognizes the existence of our foe and then quickly moves on to remind us of the glory or hope of life in the hereafter. Yet, in the New Testament (NT), life and related words are used 585 times, while death and related words are used 771 times. One might think that since Christians have to die to themselves before they can have life with God, they would be somewhat accustomed to and accepting of death. But for many the avoidance continues, as do the consequences.

Some of the consequences of avoiding facing death include:

1. Being ill-prepared for life. David asked God to teach him to number his days. Without understanding death we are limited in understanding and appreciating life. Pondering our own death need not be morbid, instead it can give us perspective on the preciousness of life.

2. Being ill-prepared for death. Death is a difficult part of life, even more so if we confront it only when it is knocking on our door. Learning to accept death as a necessary companion will make the experience that much easier. Think of what it would be like to never die. It could be a living hell to exist in a world corrupted by evil and where pain flourishes.

3. Giving anxiety and fear a foothold to rule our lives. These feelings may drive some toward unrealistic expectations and demands that medical science heroically save our lives and those of loved ones, beyond the natural span of life. As a result, the quality of life has become an important part of thinking about what constitutes life, not just whether a person continues to breathe. Further, some become obsessive and/or compulsive about health or germs.

4. Some never learn the blessing about letting go of control. In facing and accepting death there is a release from tension, anxiety and fear. It happens when we stop trying to control life and avoid death. Paul said he dies daily. If a person lets go of the most important thing in the world-life-, then and only then is he or she really free.

It may sound strange to consider meditating on your dying, but Ecclesiastes 3:1,2 says, "...there is a time for every event under heaven-a time to give birth and a time to die," and 7:3 says,
"Sorrow is better than laughter..." We can learn to live more happily and graciously when we fully face and accept our own death. We can have some control in facing death by choosing when we will emotionally deal with it, or we can be forced to do it when we have no choice.

Christian Counseling - The Faces of Depression

Why is addressing depression important beyond the obvious--to help sufferers feel better, improve relationships and enjoy life? The answer is that relieving depression helps prevent coronary heart disease. The research is clear, those who suffer from this malady are far more likely to later also suffer serious physical problems that lead to earlier impairment in health and affect longevity.

We are all at least somewhat familiar with some of the common symptoms of depression--depressed mood (sad or empty feelings), loss of interest or pleasure, fatigue, sleep disturbance, changes in appetite, suicide ideology and decreased concentration. Most are also aware that depression can originate from a biological problem, (i.e., hypothyroidism), or a significant loss of someone or something, or the lack of meaning and purpose in life. Yet, what may be less familiar are the different faces of depression, which are physical complaints (seen in the elderly), irritability (observed in children) or feelings of worthlessness. Some less known causes of depression are: anger turned in on the self (anaclytic), excessive guilt (symptom or cause), children or teens having moved several times from one residence to another, teasing and rejection by family or peers, and social fears that lead to great loneliness, to name a few.

More than a few clients who begin counseling are surprised to discover they are depressed. Why don't they see it? Because they may have false preconceived ideas about what depression is and is not, or have limited self-awareness. Also, they may have experienced some recovery, feeling the best they ever have in their lives, and falsely believe they are out of depression. Yet, from a clinical viewpoint, their point of recovery may still leave them in the range of mild to moderate depression.

If you contact your primary care physician for an evaluation and he or she gives you a diagnosis of depression and prescribes medication, you should know they tend to under medicate. General practice physicians are most often conservative when it comes to psychotropic and pain meds. Seeing a psychiatrist who is trained in these specialized medications is most often a better choice. Understand that medication does not heal depression, but helps relieve symptoms. Medication, when used, is only one spoke in the wheel of recovery, talk therapy is another. Together, they are most often the treatment of choice. Therefore, an important person to be added to your treatment team is a seasoned counselor or therapist who is trained in diagnosing and treating depression.

If you have experienced some depressive feelings for a period of at least two weeks or for a few days, three or more times a year, or experienced depression in childhood, it is important to your future health that you have an evaluation.

Christian Counseling - Source of Conflicts

Wouldn't it be great if we could have a simple answer to the question, What is the source of human conflicts? There are seemingly so many reasons for them - misunderstandings, assumptions, insensitivity, not caring, etc. But, what if they could all be summarized in a single statement? Well, here it is.

James 4:1-3 says, "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel." And a second and third problem is mentioned - "You do not have because you do not ask" and "you ask with wrong motives."

Many times the things we want are good things, such as: fighting for a better relationship to get the other to see the truth about who we really are; seeking a promotion, but ending up in fierce competition; disciplining children for the 100th time about the same issue, but doing it in angry; or attempting to love someone, but becoming jealous or hurt when we expect them to reciprocate. We may start out with good motives, but we can override them and the relationship to get what we want.

These verses do not condemn good desires or the effort to secure them, but challenges people to look more closely at the underlying motives, which can lead to inappropriate arguments. These verses are not chastising people for wanting or securing pleasure. In and of itself, pleasure is not wrong, but when it leads to undue conflict because of pure self-centered pleasure and no regard for the other person, then it is wrong.

To help manage conflict, be self-aware. Generally, when troubled feelings reach a five on a ten-point scale, it is time to discuss whether or not the conversation should continue at that time. The exception to this general guideline regards the expression of strong emotions over another's serious offence. Here, fair and decent fighting is appropriate, meaning avoiding things like, name calling, punishing withdrawal, or being controlling or passive-aggressive, to name a few behaviors. Instead, always start a conflictual conversation with a positive statement about the relationship, then discuss the problem, and end with another positive or loving statement. This is the Sandwich approach - two slices of bread (positives, first and last), while the middle contains the meat of the issue.

Christian Counseling - Premarital & Preengagement Therapy

Most Christians are familiar with premarital counseling required by pastors before performing a marriage ceremony. It is usually 4-6 visits covering subjects, such as finances and sexuality, and sometimes the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis test.

With the divorce rate at about 50% for all people in America, young couples are rightly cautious. They want to ensure they will end up on the other side of that statistic. However, most do not know what is necessary to secure a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Over the many years of counseling couples I have found a particularly critical commonality among those who are unhappy in their marriage or those who separate and divorce. It is not the superficial symptoms of poor communication, sexual problems, or financial trouble, but the underlying relational dynamics, attitudes and beliefs that express themselves through these symptoms. It is the influence of unresolved past experiences, primarily in one's family of origin. Couples who fail to understand and work out these past, but still alive and present issues, are heading for a storm.

To illustrate, if a boy experiences his mother as emotionally needy and is somewhat dependent on him, he will likely find himself attracted to women who are similar (occasionally the opposite). Usually, this man will play the role of caretaker to a needy, dependent woman. Later on in the marriage he will retreat, especially if he is told it is never enough or good enough. She will feel abandoned and may grow more needy. This would be especially true if her father was physically or emotionally absent from her and the family. Psychologically, this couple would be attracted to and form their relationship on the basis of learned and troubled roles and powerful unmet needs. Their unresolved past experiences would lead to poor decision-making and ensure relational conflict.

Not infrequently, couples subscribe to the idea that "Marriage will help heal me." The reality is that it rarely heals, instead it over burdens the relationship and shatters the bonds of love. What is it that will help heal? Self-understanding--a forerunner to change! Psalm 51:6 says, "Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom."

Our Christian Counseling Center's comprehensive approach takes a couple through their extensive histories in order to discover the impact they had on their individual development. This information is then used to set treatment goals and make predictions about what the couple is likely to experience in marriage.

The best time for couples to work out their problems is before they happen. If you are planning to marry, prepare yourself by understanding and resolving the issues of your past. Don't take them along on your honeymoon or allow them to influence the coming years of marriage.