Christian Counseling - The Wise and Foolish Builder

I would like to come to you today as the wise builder. Wouldn't that be nice; to have it all together. However, it is simply not so.

As some of you may have noticed, I have been absent from writing for a couple months. These past several months have been difficult ones for my family. Every person in my family has had some sort of injury, sickness, or surgery during this time. Some have had all three. I often speak with clients and students about the wise and foolish builders. How we deal with inevitable storms in life is extremely important because how we prepare often leads to how we respond.

Well, I thought I had prepared for the storms of life. Boy was I wrong. Since I had not prepared well, my responses were limited. Many days it seemed like my only options were to choose between fatigue and irritability. Can any of you relate? I would imagine more than would like to admit.

Today, I hesitate to say that my family has weathered the worst of the present set of storms. One way to deal with this is to wipe my brow and exhale with an audible sigh. Another way, the way I am choosing today, is to examine the past several months to look for future lessons. I find that God often uses the most stressful times in my life to teach me how I handle things when they are not so stressful. Maybe this is similar to your experience of life.

Over the next several months, I will endeavor to pursue greater self understanding in regard to the storms that have recently blown through my family. I will attempt to discuss some of these steps through this blog. My hope is that you will join me. Feel free to email me or to share some of your steps of growth in the comments section. Take care.

Christian Counseling - Money: A Conversational Taboo for Christians?

From a respected source I heard that in England some people are rather free to talk about their yearly income without bravado, pride or comparison. It seems to them a natural thing to talk about. In our Christian culture money talk is avoided, as if it's taboo. One of the consequences is that we are left with our own feelings, thoughts and conclusions about it and without support in understanding and managing our attitudes about it. Most often we hear money referenced as the root of all evil (1 Timothy 6:10). Further, that we should not love, covet or desire money, but be free from its power and temptation and be content with what we have (Hebrews 13:5). The implication that many make is that a spiritual person's concern about money should border on nonexistence, except to meagerly provide for himself. These interpretations and resultant beliefs contain truth and error. Take a moment and see if you can sort it out?

The truth is that money is "a" root of evil (NASB), but not "the" root of all evil. For example, people can wrongfully act with vengeance when hurt by someone, which has nothing to do with money. So it is for others who think they are superior and are prejudicial because of their heritage, talents or connections to important people. Desiring money is not a problem as long as it is not obsessive and so powerful as to cause a person to place it on a pedestal and change her behavior to the point of straying from faith, values and committed relationships. If a person thinks he should have no desire for money then he would not, in an employment interview, think of asking about salary and benefits. If a person should be unconditionally content with their income then they would not give a hoot about having enough to save for retirement.

If you think you care too much about money, first check out the level of your care with others. Perhaps your caring is appropriate, or, in the reverse, perhaps you care more than you realize. Getting feedback from a few trusted and knowledgeable others is necessary to confirm or challenge one's sense of reality. Second, if you determine you do care too much, cultivate the following attitudes and behaviors taken from 1 Timothy 6:

1.  Flee the over concern with money and pursue character--righteousness, godliness, love... (:11)
2.  Learn to be content with having food and clothing, but you can still reasonably pursue things (:8).
3.  Be rich in good works (:18).
4.  Be generous (:18).
5.  Be ready to share (:18).
6.  Do not be conceited because you have a goodly amount of money (:17).
7.  Do not fix your hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God (:17).

Also, it is important for a person to gain self-understanding about what money symbolized or means to him or her. Money can represent power, security, self-importance, freedom, etc. By attempting to meet the underlying need(s), the strength of the love of money can diminish, even quite dramatically.

Christian Counseling - Divorced? Ready For Your Next Relationship?

If you are divorced or separated from a live-in or marital relationship and desire to enter into another partnership, please read on. Statistically, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce, but it is higher for second marriages (about 70%) and higher still for third (around 80%). Research finds that couples who live together are less happy than married couples. Despite these realities most couples swear and believe it will be different the next time because they have gained self-understanding, know more about what it takes to make a relationship last and are more determined to stay committed. Good intentions, good thoughts, but...

Why the discrepancy between what divorced people believe and reality? The answer is something known by some, but only skin deep. That is because a good part of pain is housed in the unconcious. Even for those few with a depth of insight gained on their own, it does not seem to make much of a difference. The reason that second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than the previous one is largely due to deep-seated, unresolved pain and trauma. Time does not heal wounds, it only dulls the awareness, but the pain comes shining through in the next relationship when conflict surfaces.

People are painfully bruised in a breakup and the majority of it isn't healed before they are in another relationship. It doesn't take long before the new person presses on their bruise and the new pain opens the flood gate to past pain that are simultaneously and quickly felt, often accompanied by shock and fear. It is common to privately wonder if the new relationship is going to be a repeat of the last.

What is needed is to grab hold of and work out the conscious and unconscious pain, which requires the help of God and another person who can see and speak the truth. Without this critical insight and resolution of the problems, people are most likely going to reexperience the devastation of another broken relationship or, at least, to unnecessarily suffer in the next one.

I firmly believe that all couples should seek the help of a professional before saying "I do!" One who can help them see the blind spots, how a couple's personalities mesh or not, how their histories influence current thoughts, feelings and decisions, and how all of these things can be used to predict with a fair degree of accuracy what their relationship will be like. However, the truth is that the majority of people in love do not want to look at those painful and threatening realities. They are in a moment of sunshine and want to avoid stormy weather. However, it is a matter of look now or be forced to later on, which will be harder and more troublesome for many reasons.

The good news is that those who have chosen to know the truth about himself or herself and their loved one before marriage go into that marriage more realistically confident and committed. They have far less conflict, pain and doubt because, to a large degree, they do not bring much of their baggage into the new relationship, having resolved it. This and having gained significant knowledge about their future partner and the type of relationship they will experience permit them to make an intelligent and informed decision. This secondary point of decision about committing to the relationship becomes an important memory that is returned to many times over and serves as a needed anchor in unfavorable relational weather.

Christian Counseling - Are You Desperate to Reignite Emotions in a Relationship?

Being "head over heels" in love is the or at least one of the most potent emotions in life. A parallel of this is experienced by many in their early relationship with God. The initial connection often leads to an astounding awakening to newness of life, which carries a person for about 17 months (the life of the "love hormone"--oxytocine).  All the emotions of one's being are electrified and sustain the connection as the relationship develops roots. Beyond this simplistic understanding, this life-giving process is as wonderful as it is mysterious.

What lovers, very close friends, parents with newborns and newly converted Christians often experience after the early relational euphoria is a slow-paced, but significant letdown. People languish and pine for days of old when wondrous, comforting feelings kept the relational bond strong and sure. The sense of loss and grief are significant. They question if the relationship can ever be the same without the breathtaking fireworks of those profound and abundant feelings. Many spend years searching for ways to reignite those unmatched feelings of connection until, at some point, they understand they cannot and never will. Most feel guilty or blame the other for the emotional loss. They slip into despair, inactivity and ask if the experience was real or true because it did not last. I have witnessed numerous disheartened people who then abandon the relationships. Not infrequently, Christians wonder why God lets this happen and some even ponder whether or not He exists.

Yet, I believe this is God's design, and, of course, He has a purpose(s). When we are no longer living for or moved by powerful feelings how will we act? Without the motivating feelings we see with depth and clarity what else exists in our hearts. When the wasteful search for resurrecting the strong emotional connection with God or another person is abandoned we are then open to the next phase of relational and spiritual development--relying on our own individual convictions and integrity. Admittedly, this is a very tough transition that is less impressive than living by feelings, from a human viewpoint. From God's view, He sees this person as serious-minded about living righteously, stable and more trustworthy because emotions can suddenly shift and change, mature, and ready for more responsibility, power and challenges. In the end, God is pleased with the person who learns to thrive in this, the highest spiritual state of human living.

Living by conviction and integrity and not feelings surprisingly creates new feelings of self-confidence, more healthy trust in oneself, joy in the relationship, contentment and security in believing one can go the distance of walking with God or another for life.

Christian Counseling - Scriptural Equalizers

What is the remedy for self-condemnation, pride, poor self-image, self-centeredness, obsessive guilt, self-pity, shame, regret, disliking people and fearing people, to name a few? There are many needed helps and remedies, but here is one that stands out--scriptural equalizers.

The Bible tells us what brings down those with too high of an opinion of themselves and brings up those who lack esteem and a sense of worth--equalizers, and here are a few of them.

Truth.  From God's point of view truth gives us perspective and balance and can keep us centered in the middle in understanding we are seen by God as perfect in creation and in Christ, yet we still possess an active sin nature.

Forgiveness.  No matter how bad one is or low the behavior, God always forgives when one confesses and forgoes or attempts to forgo those same actions in the future. In this sense, no one is above us or below us. He completely removes our guilt and shame. Our secondary task is to accept it and live it.

Grace.  It is said that grace is giving us something we don't deserve. God's grace is impartial; it is for everyone, be it the rain or truth or the opportunity of eternal life. Everyone is equal in His sight, as He plays no favorites with grace.

Mercy.  It has been defined as not getting what we deserve. We all deserve to be separated from a holy and pure God who never does wrong. But His mercy permits His people to stand with Him in the Holy of Holies--His presence.

Christ.  The Greatest Equalizer, the man and God who made all of the above possible, not just for those who are good, Jewish, diligent workers, intelligent or special, but for anyone and everyone--kings and commoners, poor and wealthy, and talented and otherwise. As it has been rightly said, "We all are [equally] precious in His sight."

These and other equalizers put us on the same footing with one another--none better and none worse from God's view from His Throne. We are all His friends and brothers and sisters to each other.