Christian Counselling - When God Disappoints

I do not believe there exists or has ever existed one person who has believed in the living God and not felt disappointed by Him. But how can this be if God is, and I believe He is, always right, does no wrong, is loving and just, knows all and is a good Father to us?

Of course the logical and easy answer is that the problem must be us. We create the occasion for disappointment through what we expect and hope He will do or not do. That is the definition of disappointment, along with a feeling of sadness. Yet, if people only blamed themselves in the final analysis, why would the anger, hurt, distrust, doubt and low temp relationship with God continue? Perhaps people haven't forgiven God, as if He needs to be forgiven. Forgiving Him is really about us and how difficult it is to accept who He is and to let God be God.

As people, once we have formulated a belief system and created an image of some thing or person we seriously tend to stick with it. They become a part of us. They define us. We trust them. They give us stability and security. They are life guides and we don't want them messed with. Knowing how the world and God function gives us peace of mind. We want to believe in these collected truths because we don't want to think it possible that we have been deceived, like Jeremiah thought about God (20:7).

As an example, we want to believe and keep the good image of God who would do anything to protect His beloved children, as any loving earthly parent. But, if we are honest with ourselves, disappointment comes when we hear about or personally know an innocent 6-year old child who has ovarian cancer. We desperately want to hold on to the idea that God is the greatest Father protector of all and will eagerly and always come to our rescue. But we discover He doesn't protect in the same way we do. Consequently, the image we have of Him no longer fits. We all struggle to accept the new and often less romantic and more insecure (to us) image of God. Some will find they do not like some of God's decisions and maybe not like Him as much either. But these things do not surprise, dismay or anger God. He knows they are part of any relationship.

These are common life experiences, but if they are traumatic events, as defined by the individual, they lead people into a spiritual crisis. Scary! Many wonder if they will lose their faith or meaning and purpose in life or that special connection with God that gives them peace. Out of great fear, many will seriously falter here and deny their own thoughts, questions and troubled feelings. What happens to them is not a pretty picture. Most all will eventually discover there has been a slow cooling in one's interest in and feelings for God and Christian related activities. Their love will have grown cold. The road back, if it happens, is long, long, long and torturous.

Self-honesty is harder to come by during these times of disturbing revelation, but that is what is required, if one has hope of a healthy resolve. In that place of brutal honesty of one's doubt, hurt and anger I rarely find people lose their faith, but instead grow their faith, though it is done in pain and slow motion. Yet faith, strong and sure faith, gives us hope, confidence and security and is what God desires to find in us. Be honest with God and journey with Him, not alone. Today, in this moment, His tender heart grieves for and His arms are around the broken-hearted.

Christian Counseling - A Comment on the Arizona Shootings

I recently went on vacation so I was not "blogging" when the tragedy in Tucson, Arizona took place. Unlike some who wrote about the shootings without taking necessary time to think things through, I would like to add my comment now. Many have seemed to desire to find a narrative that fits the story. However, many commentators have projected their own biases onto the tragedy. At the risk of doing so as well, a factor that has not been discussed fully is the issue of mental health.

Mental health has been discussed somewhat in that some have said that certainly "crazy" people should not have access to guns. In discussing people like Jared Loughner as "crazy", these commentators are already showing a bias. Dealing with severely mentally ill people is something not to be taken lightly, and, for those who have experienced mental illness or cared for those who have, labelling someone as "crazy" does them and us a disservice.

Also in these discussions of people with severe mental illness, in many cases it was considered a given that those with mental illness are also violent. This allegation is simply not true. Research proves out that mentally ill people are no more prone to violence than the average person. We tend to feel uncomfortable around people that are mentally ill, and, as a result, confuse this discomfort with dangerousness.

What all of this disguises is an issue which is significant. Both in this case and the Virginia Tech shootings, significantly mentally ill people engaged in acts of horrendous violence. An important link is that both came in contact with faculty and security at the colleges that they were attending, but neither got the help that they needed. In Jared Loughner's case, he was told by the college he was attending to no longer come to campus. The people at the school felt there was enough of a danger to ask him to stay away, but, according to the current facts, never had Mr. Loughner taken to an emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. There needs to be better policies in place in school and university settings to aid in getting help for those who are mentally ill.

Why is it important in school settings? First, when talking about people who experience a psychotic break, the onset of these issues is often during college years. Second, just as learning disabilities are often first suspected by elementary school teachers, college professors and staff are often the first to see signs of serious mental illness. These professionals act as often the first line of defense to begin the process of getting the mentally ill person help. What you will often see in these cases are a number of faculty who say afterward that they suspected something, but did not act because either they did not know what to do, or they believed someone else would do so.

I believe that these incidents have happened often enough to warrant some increased education for faculty in identifying symptoms of mental illness and a coherent policy to get students help. For every Jared Loughner who takes the lives of innocent people, there are likely hundreds of mentally ill students who do not hurt anyone, but who do not get the help they need either.

Christian Counseling - Lust, Pride, Guilt, Hatred and Rebellion - They Aren't All Bad

What we humans do to language. We all have a tendency to use words in a similar context in which we heard them. Consider your first reaction to these words: lust, pride, guilt, hatred and rebellion. Bad, bad and bad again! Without thinking though the words we speak we often only see them as good or bad. But, as they say, there are two sides to every story.

The contemporary common use of lust centers around a sin of sexual desire (yet most of the Greek words are neutral, referring to longings, pleasures and strong desires, which can be controlled and applied to good things, such as Christ's desire to share the last Passover in Luke 22:15), pride is arrogance and exaggerated self-importance (but it also means self-respect and satisfaction in accomplishment), guilt is a feeling of having done something wrong (it is also a needed warning device, which can lead us back to righteousness, and false guilt can tell us about the need to correct dysfunctional or corrupted beliefs), hatred is anger on steroids and we should never even be angry (but God hates Esau, David hates some people with "the utmost hatred" [Psalm 139:21,22], and Proverbs 8:13 tells us that hatred should be part of a righteous life) and, finally, rebellion is often only viewed as wrongly resisting authority (yet authority can be corrupt and rebellion can be right and necessary, like our forefathers who rebelled against the domination of England and started America).

Even the so-called "terrible twos" and teens who rebel against their parents is often not wholly wrong--some parents are dictatorial, or worse, abusive. Children and teens need a voice, to learn assertiveness and develop independence, even though sometimes they manage it poorly.

For some, rebellious is applied to anyone who challenges God to change His desire or a decision or law in any way. Perhaps they believe we all should simply, only and immediately do whatever God says, just the way He first delivers it. But then why did God change His law to permitting divorce under Mosaic law (Matthew 19)? And why does God strongly desire that we wrestle with Him? (See my article "Blessed Is The One Who Fights With God" at cccrd.org/Library/Free Writings on or after February 1st.)

How many words can you come up with that are only and purely bad in any situation?

   

Christian Counseling - A Silver Lining In The Golden Years

Some complain that the golden years of life are not all they are cracked up to be. Likely included in the list of complaints are the aches and losses associated with physical decline due to aging and unforeseen financial issues due to the state of a troubled economy. The truth is that at every stage of life there exist inherent problems--birth trauma, two-year-old independence, academic performance in the school years, puberty, socialization, leaving home, career building, being single and/ or marital adjustment, raising children, empty nest, growing health concerns and retirement, to cite a few examples. Yet, recent research suggests there is at least a silver lining to the golden years.

Past research has reported most people grow happier as they age. Add to this the positive results of a 2008 study of a telephone survey of 340,000 people age 18 to 85. In this study people reported less anger and stress as they grew older. By 50 years of age anxiety decreased and happiness and enjoyment increased. Yet, it also showed that "Overall life satisfaction declined from ages 18 to 50, and then started improving." A critical point exists for many between 50 and 53 years of age when life satisfaction begins to rise, which, the study showed, is independent of relationships, employment and if children lived at home or not. The researchers speculated the higher degree of life satisfaction might be due to things, such as: "increased emotional intelligence, a greater ability to take things in stride, and the increasing tendency to recall more positive memories and fewer negative ones."1

Like one's spiritual life and fine wine and cheese, happiness and enjoyment seem to age well for most people.



Miller, Michael Craig, M.D.  Study suggests there is a silver lining to the "golden" years. Harvard Mental Health Newsletter. September 2010: Vol. 27, No. 3, p. 7. 

Christian Counseling - The Inner World Where God, Faith, Peace and Healing are Held at Bay

My amazement never diminishes in the recognition of how every person I have ever gotten to know, and that includes me, sabotages themselves by limiting or keeping some of the beneficial things they want and need at a distance. Those things include healing, God, faith, peace, forgiveness, grace, and the list could go on. We are the  only species on this planet that has the universal capacity of preventing or destroying our own well-being. We typically and rightly understand that it happens because of the sin nature that exists in all of us. But there is more. I am referring to the "flesh that is sold into bondage to sin" (Romans 7:14); that is, a part of people beyond the sin nature--the unreasonable and false guilt-ridden, self-flagellating mind and heart or thinking and feeling parts of our human or psychological makeup. Our entire being is sorely affected by our sin nature.

Why does it seem people, including Christians, hold on to guilt, self-hate or self-anger, shame, fear, etc. that exacerbate their negative self-image and keep them suspended in lifelong conflict? Who in their right mind would avoid God, peace, love, or needed help? People! None of is in our right mind! Not only do we all say and do things we never believed we would, but self-forgiveness is a remedy many people do not deeply understand or easily give themselves. I believe there are several reasons we hold on to bad feelings and memories and block our own healing, but common among them are: they are familiar, we don't like change, we don't deserve it and in diminished hope we give up our fight to overcome them. Yet, the key reason is we are afraid to fully face our own inner pain and memories (many believe that doing so will result in feeling emotionally overwhelmed, which would lead to losing control, wrong behavior, bad attitudes, depression, rage, anxiety, ending a relationship, etc.).

When people cut themselves off from the truth about who they are they also shut the door on God, faith, peace and healing, even though they may simultaneously pray that God helps or heals them. Carrying those terrible, suppressed and repressed truths leads to a lifelong sentence of misery that will infect every relationship, including the one with God. Without this understanding, many Christians repeatedly ask: "Where is God's peace that passes understanding? Must I bear this burden for life? Is it God's will? Why won't He heal me?" Some will hate themselves for the problem, and, in part, they are assigning blame to the right person, even though it is unproductive and even destructive.

What God wants for all of us is stated in Psalm 51:6, "Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom." God wants to act on our behalf, but we can also prevent Him from doing so. Not that He is powerless, but that His kind nature is such that He will not override the precious will He gave us. As the father in the story of the prodigal son, He respects our right to choose, even to our own detriment (Luke 15:11ff).  

Christian Counseling - New Year's Resolutions Part 1

As we start out the new year, may of us have chosen to try to change something about ourselves. These resolutions, however, hardly ever work out. In fact, I am sure that some of you have resolved to no longer make any resolutions. For those of you who would like to make some change in your life, here is the beginning of a way to make it happen. In order to set a good goal, the goal must be SMART. That is, any good goals needs to be:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Time-bound

Over the next several days, I will go through each element of a good goal. In the end, while the goals you set using this method may not be grandiose, they will be something that can be accomplished.

"The difference between a goal and a dream is the written word."