Christian Counseling - Goal Setting

"The difference between a goal and a dream is the written word." - Gene Donohue

As we approach the new year, many of us are coming up with resolutions for the coming year. At one time or another, I would imagine that all of us have had a new year's resolution or two. Whether they involve losing weight (my personal favorite), or more consistent time with God, or a multitude of others, we all have had the best of intentions. However, most of us have fallen far short of our intended mark. There are many reasons why. The question is, how can we potentially make this year different? Here are 5 tips as you set your New Year's resolutions using the acronym S.M.A.R.T. To have effective goals, they must be:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Reasonable

Time bound

Let's take exercise as an example. I am using exercise as an example rather than weight loss, because our goals ought to be things over which we have control. We cannot control the numbers on the scale, but we can control what we put in our bodies and how much we exercise. An example of a bad goal statement regarding exercise would be, "I want to exercise more." This is incredibly vague as a goal, and success our failure in achieving this goal is up for interpretation.

A good goal statement would be, "I plan to exercise 3 times per week for 1/2 hour each time for the next month." The goal of exercising 3times per week for 1/2 hour each time is specific, measurable, and time bound. Perhaps most importantly, by making it only 3 days per week and having it last for 1 month, the goal is attainable and reasonable. Many people, when choosing goals, shoot too high or too far. They set themselves up for failure.

I know that the goal of exercising 3 days per week for 1/2 hour does not seem nearly grandiose enough. How far have grandiose goals gotten you in the past? It takes about a month for something that we do to become a habit. If you can keep to a reasonable goal for a month, the chances are significantly increased that you will be able to continue. Sometimes there are emotional roadblocks that we must face in order to achieve our goals. If that is the case for you, I would recommend potentially seeking therapy as a means to work through these issues.

A few other reminders, here are some things to avoid:

1. Drastic Language - "I will never..."

2. Negative Goals - "I want to stop procrastinating."

Finally, when you set your goal, TELL SOMEONE!! Don't worry, telling someone does not make your goal a legally binding contract, but it does help to make it real. You may even be able to encourage one another and grow in your experience of Christian community.

Good luck! Contact me if you need help with setting your goals. Hopefully this can be a year of change for all of us. God bless.

Christian Counseling - Seeking a Happy New Year

"For auld lang syne, we'll take a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne" (meaning for the good old times). This Scottish poem is often sung immediately upon entering a new year; following the stoke of midnight. We look back and honor special, blessed moments and people that now have been immortalized in our private museums of treasured memories. It is good to remember and pay tribute.

Yet, as humans, we have a tendency to cleanse our memories of some of their impurities, leading to our idealization of people and eras. In days past it often seems the glory was brighter, the grass greener and the relationships richer. This is one of the reasons we think former days were better than those in the present. Ecclesiastes 7:10 tells us it is not wise to bask in this type of thinking. It can limit our joy and give us a jaundiced eye concerning the present.

Living in other than the here-and-now, rather than visiting the past and present, is reflective of our own displeasure with life. So, we look to the past for peace and joy or look to the future for relief and celebration when we will have succeeded in our New Year's resolutions. But, for some, the change most needed is to resolve to live in the present--the only moment we can possess and the only moment in which we can act.

Here in, to a large degree, is contentment. A state of mind free from longing for the past or wishing for a future event. It is not that the past has nothing to offer, such as a teacher of history, or that the future should not be anticipated and planned, but to us they exist only in the mind, and are outside of our control. When we over dwell on either of them we miss the moment of life.

We all believe life is short, but many don't intimately know it. Those who do know that life is but a breath have been molded by that reality. The result of which causes them to spend more time in the here-and-now, in search of the only true life. As Henry David Thoreau, these men and women don't want to be surprised at the end of their lives by the frightening reality that they have not yet lived.

Risk to keep life in the realm of an adventure and live extraordinarily.

Christian Counseling - Permission to Relax

This past weekend, we were pounded by snow. For some, as much as 2 feet of snow fell on their homes. I have spoken with many people about how they spent their 2 days in the snow. I heard many stories. There were stories of neighbors helping one another. Others braved the snow to finish their shopping, while many took the opportunity to simply relax. I heard from several people that the snow gave them "permission" to relax. It made me wonder why we feel we need "permission" to relax?

During this time of relaxation, people told me that they watched movies, cooked dinner together, played games with their families, curled up with a good book, and even talked together for hours. For others, including myself, in addition to the indoor activities above, there were sleds, snow balls, snow men, and digging (too much digging). Other than the snow activities (which would look strange without snow), are not the things we do to spend our time when we are snowed in activities we could and maybe should be doing more often. Why is it that many of us need to be forced to relax? God rested after he created the world. If it is good enough for God, it ought to be good enough for us. Yet, many people feel they do not have time to relax. They approach relaxation as a luxury rather than a necessity. I believe, and have come to believe it more each day, that relaxation and rest is a necessity. Lack of sleep and increases in stress are both associated with higher mortality rates. As I have tried to pack 28 hours of activity into 24 hours, I have come to realize that God was right all along. Remember what James Earl Jones said in "Field of Dreams". When asked why people would pay to see a baseball field in Iowa, he said, "for it is money they have and peace that they lack."


What did you do while snowed in this past weekend?

Christian Counseling - Christmas Can Always Be New

The Person of God is as illusive as the wind. Just when we think we know Him deeply, we are surprised by strange biblical revelations. God doesn't take the road most traveled or the least, but the road untraveled.

In preparation for what would we would call the first Christmas, God chose barren Elizabeth in her old age to give birth to a son. He was not to be named after someone in the family as usual, but "John." He wasn't like the other boys. Until his public appearance, the prophet lived in the desert and ate locusts, but to us it would seem he was a little antisocial and obsessive-compulsive.

Jesus is conceived by a middle-class, unwed woman. That is one way to get people talking about the story. From the outset, this entrance of God in the world creates doubt in many, including Joseph, about the impropriety of Mary. How hard it must have been for family and neighbors to believe in a conception by the overshadowing of the Spirit.

God could have arranged for a late cancellation at the inn in Bethlehem to provide for His own Son's birth in something other than a smelly and unsanitary stable. But God is not showy. Instead, He chose a quiet, uncelebrated entrance of Jesus to our world, save the magi.

These men, magi, could have been directed by God to avoid Herod the king in their search for Jesus. Did the light of the star in the east stop shining for a little while, so that they had to ask for directions? From them Herod learned about Jesus and perceived Him as a threat to his own glory and power. He became suspicious, jealous and vengeful. He committed infanticide and mass murder of all infants under two years of age in and around Bethlehem. The age of the victims was determined from information he received from the magi.

If we humans were given the task of setting the stage for the birth of Jesus, we would not have chosen these props. His ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts, heart or anything else. This makes it hard and, in some ways, impossible to understand Him. However, there is a wonderful message in all this. God is above us all in every way. Therefore, it behooves us to keep an open heart and mind this season to the strange movements of the Spirit within us and in the events we encounter. In so doing we will find a freshness to Christmas and an excitement that Elizabeth, Mary and others of their time experienced. We will be met by the reality that "'...nothing will be impossible with God"' (Luke 1:37) and that His surprises are unending. See if you can find His unusual gifts under your tree.

Christian Counseling - Unconditional Support of Your Spouse

It is not so easy to decide whether it is right or wrong to always support your spouse. I have heard reflections from both sides of the fence. First, you should always support your partner because he or she is your first priority besides God, and you have to continue living with him or her. By giving absolute support you save the marriage from unnecessary conflict. A second view holds that a spouse may not be right in his or her perception or decision, and, therefore, you cannot support him or her. Of course, this often leads to disagreements, or worse, feelings of betrayal or being unloved.
Part of the problem is in the way people think about the issue. They take an either or nothing approach; that is, either I side with my spouse or with what I think is right. Often people think about it as a choice between accomplishing a task (protecting what is right) or keeping the relationship (protecting one's spouse). Yea, a great place to be! In that conflictual place you will win something and lose something. A wonderful choice.
Yet, there is a third way of seeing the problem that lends to a better solution. Instead of thinking in pairs--right or wrong, left or right, day or night--think in triangles--right, wrong or appropriate, left, right or straight, and day, night or twilight. In our present issue the pair is truth or spouse, while triangular thinking would see the reality of truth or spouse or both. How do you support both at the same time?
Even if your spouse wants to do something that is clearly wrong, such as planning and carrying out vengeance, it doesn't mean you can't support him or her as a person who is wounded and needs healing. Your message can be clear:

"I won't help you plan this out, but I am angry like you are and I am hurt because you are hurt. I really want you to know I am in your corner and I will remain there with you for as long as it takes. Do you want to further discuss how all this has impacted you or are you open to talking about another way to deal with the problem?"

No matter what choice we make about handling some problems in life, we discover there is rarely a perfect solution, but rather we have choices between better or worse ideas. Can you think of other ways to handle this type of conflict? Can you think of other moral dilemmas that require a different alternative?

Christian Counseling - The Land of the Free

Francis Scott Keys wrote the four stanzas of our national anthem after witnessing the battle for Baltimore at Fort McHenry in 1812. In the early morning light he saw the American flag still proudly raised over the fort; the star-spangled banner waving in the wind over the land of the free. Britain's Royal Navy had not defeated them in the night. Tyranny was not to rule over the home of the brave.
American's are genuinely proud of the freedoms and rights that exist equally for all...well, we are still perfecting them. Most of our citizens and government leaders have thought about external forces that could rob us of what our Creator endowed us with, those "unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." But, until recently, we have given little thought to the threats within our own borders that could again lead to our subjugation, be it to socialism or other events emanating from a devalued dollar.
Similarly, Paul admonished the "foolish" Galatians who lost their freedom by those within their ranks who slyly led them to return to the false security of being under the "Law." How easy it is to be "bewitched" by others who promise freedom for everyone, but instead enslave them by laws which cannot save. It is the person and promise of His Spirit that leads us to freedom. (Galatians 3:1-5)
We, as Americans and Christians, must maintain a commitment to protect the freedoms granted us by our Constitution, not by the control of government, and by Christ, not the Law. Galatians 5:1 is a verse of great liberty, "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."
If you live under an obligation of "works," with a lack of joy in life, and feelings of being powerless and perhaps even guilt-ridden, examine whether or not you have become subservient to the often subtle imposition of the laws of the land, church or conscience.

Christian Counseling - Doing Versus Being

It's fairly easy to lose perspective and get trapped by busyness and a "doing" mentality. The never-tiring voices of career and home beckon "Give me a little more time and attention." Like "The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing" (Ecclesiastes 1:8b), so too the tempters of career and home seduce us through imagination into believing that more is better, and that doing or accomplishing can build esteem, enhance our reputation, and relieve us of guilt that comes from the possible failure to satisfy the wants and demands of those around us. But the grievous taskmaster of doing is a liar.


Like an addiction, doing is never satisfied and its appetite is insatiable. Once the adrenal glands are on full alert they drive us to perform, to do. Their bodies cooperate with the false prophet who steals also our minds and hearts, our very lives, through the addictive, but hated pace and the have-to's (I have to go here...do this...stop that...do it perfectly, etc.). Over time its victims are mercilessly led to the edge of the cliff of exhaustion. This kind of life is not what God had or has in mind, nor is it one we could ever agree with because we know something is terribly wrong. We know that kind of life is not life at all. It is drifting mindlessly through the motions, until we are suddenly shocked by the passage of decades, wondering how how our brief and precious lives secretly slipped away.

What happens when people become sick or elderly and can't rely on doing, what then? All this for what? For a little esteem, a little less guilt, a little better reputation in our own mind's eye? Perhaps some think gaining a little is better than gaining nothing and having to carry around some bad feelings of inadequacy and a lack of worth. Perhaps they don't know there is an alternative to the fast-paced, bone-tiring and truly ungodly life of only doing.


"Being!" "Being" is the alternative. Alphabetically, philosophically and biblically, being comes before doing. My blog on December 3rd ("Works is the Apple Proving the Type of Tree") refers to the necessity of faith first and works second; that works is meant only to be done as an outgrowth of faith. You can't get to heaven by works--God's heaven or the one on earth we are trying to establish. In the same way, being is first and doing is second.

Being, as faith, is about character. It is about who you are and not about what you do. It is also about learning to feel good about you and not the things you do. Your character is the only thing you will take with you when you leave this earth. It is the only thing that can't be taken from you or decay. It is one of the unseen things Colossians 3:1,2 tell us to focus on in our lives. Once you have developed a certain characteristic it is yours, unlike doing, which must be repeated over and over.

To say it differently, "be"come like Jesus, the person He was and is. This is God's will for us all. When we become the person we should and want to be we will have gained right perspective, the incorruptible esteem, the lasting good reputation and freedom from guilt because our value is not works dependent.

Finally, Christians are "in Christ." It is about who you are, about being born-again and not about works that get you there. Faith leads us to trust in God's words that He sees us as perfect or complete in His Son, first because of His 30 years of character development (i.e., sinless) and second because of His three years of works (i.e., died for our sins). Our works are secondary to person we are, and it is there in this proper order that we find rest from the false promises of doing who proclaims to be king. The true king is being.

Christian Counseling - When Patience Is Not a Virtue

Patience (in the Greek, cheerful or hopeful endurance) is greatly esteemed in scripture, and with good reason. Of the 48 times the new Testament records the word, there is not one instance of it being presented in a negative light.

I Timothy 6:11 places patience in a short list of other great characteristics--faith, long suffering and charity, for example. We all need patience to accomplish the will of God and receive His promises (Hebrews 10:36). It is patience that will keep us from the season of tribulation coming on the world (Revelation 3:10). God is long in patience (2 Peter 3:8,9). It comes from the pain of tribulations and wants not satisfied (James 1:3). Patience and faith are necessary to endure trials (2 Thessalonians 1:4). And Romans 15:4 tells us that hope requires patience.

Despite scripture's positive presentation of patience and its clear messages about its importance, we should, nevertheless, test all spirits to see if they are what they appear. When is patience not a virtue? When patience is not patience. When it is:
1. A euphemism for cowardice. Many fear conflict and do what they can to avoid it, which can deceive oneself and others into thinking it is patience.
2. A mask for anger. Some improperly view anger as being evil and repress it, while others may contain it and plot vengeance over time. Withholding anger may be viewed as being patient, strong and not easily offended. Sometimes this is the case for those giving unconditional forgiveness.
3. A front for spiritual maturity. Those who feign patience seek their own glory and positive image. They may deny the reality of their own lack of self-control, or ability to endure, or strength of obsessive desire and pose as one who is infinitely patient.

We must always be alert, vigilant and thinking. Without such we can easily succumb to a sleepy or a hypnotic state of simply taking in anything trusted others are saying or doing without discerning truth from falsehood and right from wrong. It is our duty to be patient, to research and think through what we are being taught.

We may think about testing other spirits for accuracy, but not apply that thought to ourselves. Ask yourself, why am I enduring this difficult situation? Is it that I am patient or is it something else? By examining yourself you can help ensure your patience remains a virtue.

Christian Counseling - Works is the Apple Proving the Type of Tree

There is only one road or one way to heaven--faith in Jesus Christ. Besides it becoming increasingly politically incorrect to say such things in America anymore, many in our culture remain faithful to the idea that just good "works" will bring the ultimate reward of a Key to the city of God. A key that will open those pearly gates to heaven. How unfortunate for them to be lead by what seems to be a good thing, but in reality is a deception beyond compare. Proverbs says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death." For those who lean exclusively on their own understanding, rather than the truth of scripture, it will cost them their soul.
On the other hand, equally unfortunate, many evangelicals rely only upon faith to get into heaven. Don't jump out of your skin yet, I'll explain. I have met many self-professed Christians who espouse to be believers in the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus who is God, but there it ends. They have a faith, but what kind? Is it possible to have faith, but remain unsaved? Yes, it is possible.
James, and Paul supports his views (Galatians 5:6 and I Timothy 5:8), says in 2:17, "Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself." And in verse 22, "You see that faith was working with his works, and as a result of the works, faith was perfected." James goes so far as to say in verse 24, "You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone." Amazing!
This latter verse gets many into trouble because they buy into the false idea that a person can be fully justified (declared innocent and blameless, in the Greek) by good works or actions of their own. However, the context is that works justify us when we first have been justified by faith. Faith is always first, and that faith must show itself through works or it is "dead" and "useless," as James tells us. Faith without works, and it is faith, is not a saving faith. We must possess a living, breathing faith, which will always show itself through our actions and good works. In that sense, works also justify.
When we examine ourselves and others regarding the viability of saving faith, we should be asking two questions. First, what does one believe about Jesus? And second, what works support one's belief in Jesus? You cannot have one without the other and possess a Key to heaven. Assuming you are a person of faith, in what works are you engaged?
If you find yourself sitting on the sidelines rather than showing forth your works, begin finding ways of expressing and growing your faith. Here is one thing you can do. Consider visiting and joining http://www.manhattandeclaration.org/. It is very rare for me, as a therapist, to recommend an organization, but this one is exceptional.
This nondenominational Christian organization supports courageous people willing to take a stand for cornerstones, such as the sanctity of life, marriage between a male and female and religious freedom, despite social pressures or unrighteous laws of government. It has about a quarter of a million members, so far, that include more than 175 mostly recognized Christian leaders of various churches and organizations, such as: Chuck Swindoll, James Dobson, Kay Arthur, Ron Sider, Josh McDowell, Chuck Colson and Joni Eareckson Tada. Here is an excerpt from their declaration:

Further, let it be known that we will not be intimidated into silence or acquiescence or the violation of our consciences by any power on earth, be it cultural or political, regardless of the consequences to ourselves. We will fully and ungrudgingly render to Caesar what is Caesar's. But under no circumstances will we render to Caesar what is God's.

This organization sees the writing on the wall. Conservative Christians round the world will experience further social censuring and likely the long arm of the law. It isn't unimaginable that in the not-to-distant future there could be something like an appointment of a Censor Czar who, along with his or her workforce, has the congressional power to ban all politically incorrect media--magazines, books, movies, text messages, Internet sites, etc., and to punish violators. These infractions of imposed governmental morality might even be added to the definition of "hate crimes."
It is clear from passages like, Matthew 24:9 and Revelation 6:9, that in the latter days Christians will be persecuted throughout the world. Regardless, as Christians, we need to have faith that God will see us through and always abound in good works and speaking the truth. In those days, courage will be a commodity more valuable than gold. But courage is not something that will magically appear. Courage is a discipline to be developed through practice in facing one's own fears and overcoming them.